A thread for fwb survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek)

[FWBSurvivor]

This is a thread for people who've had fwb where it hasn't ended in an ideal way? Which is kinda where I am at the moment.

Usually fwb suits me fine and when things come to a natural end I walk away it takes a little time to mend a bruised ego of course if they've been the one to end it. This situation is a little different.

Maybe I let it go on too long (nearly a year, I usually limit to around 6 months) and I did really like him. There were/are good reasons why it could never have become a serious/permanent relationship and I knew that from the start as did he and it didn't seem as if it would be a problem.

But then time goes on and I did come to like him quite a lot. He's chosen to end things as there are things he wants from a relationship which I simply cannot provide unfortunately. Nobody's fault just... life.

But I am feeling a little bruised as a result of things ending and not sure how long this will last or the best way to move forward.

So I thought a thread to chat with others who've been in a similar boat may help. You never know.

@Chatonette overall I think more good times. He bought me a lot of fun times at a really shitty point in my life. I still really like him. But he’s holding firm that there’ll never be any more than this and I just need to look after myself. It’s hard though. This is the really sad phase I guess

Brought not bought

Put feeling humiliated away. You’ve had good times with someone during a shitty time in your life. There’s nothing wrong with that. He doesn’t want more. Hard to take but that’s not a reason for you to be humiliated. Of course you’re sad but you’ve moved on from more difficult things before and you will get past this.

Agree no reason to feel humiliated at all. You started as FWB and all he’s saying is he doesn’t want more than that. But as soon as you both realised you do, you need to walk away for your own sanity. Maybe the positive is you have realised you are now ready for a relationship?

From experience I will say that you need to stop having sex with him or you will never move on.

That’s a horrible feeling @Clytemnestra21but you’re really doing the right thing . If you carry on with it as it is you will always have that hollow feeling afterwards of wanting more. If you allow yourself to grieve and move on you will give yourself the chance of something different and better further down the line with someone else..
It is hard though. I know that feeling of “what if there isn’t anyone else though ?” And “perhaps this is good enough for now”. That mental trickery we do to ourselves when we miss them or when they send a nice text .. but the horrible feeling of missing him will fade and then you can truly move on.

Thanks all, been itching to contact him. Looked back over our conversation and can see I maybe overreacted a bit.

but I’d prefer him to contact me. And I need to consider that he might not

He’ll contact you when he wants sex @Clytemnestra21you know that. If you want to break the cycle you need to block him.

Can you say how you think you overreacted @Clytemnestra21? I have a feeling we will all think you did not overreact at all but I realise it can feel different from the inside, particularly when you’re missing them..

@shivermetimbers77I was upset and avoided messaging with him for a couple of days but indicated I wasn’t ignoring him but just needed a bit of space. When I was ready I told him I’d been upset because I’d felt like he hadn’t considered me, I’d wanted more affection and he hadn’t responded in a way I’d have liked. His response to that was that I’m asking for too much and we’re in different places emotionally. 🤷‍♀️

@Moresunlessrain maybe you’re right. I don’t like blocking generally, it feels a bit dehumanising. And he isn’t contacting me anyway. But I hear you, might be sensible.

I had a FWB in my 20s just before I met DH and it was great, but it was never enough to evolve into a deeper relationship.

Sadly, I’m now widowed, as of last year, but starting to think about a FWB arrangement again, rather than a full relationship to gently ease back in to the physical and companionship aspect (but no commitment please)

Where have you found your FWBs? I’ve not yet ventured into OLD so that might be the next step

He was deliberately keeping you at arms length even when he knew you needed some affection and well just basic friendship and care. He did not give you that as he sees you only as fulfilling his sexual needs and I bet he’s determined not to blur those lines. I think your instincts were spot on. You aren’t over reacting at all.

you are currently going through a kind of withdrawal. Your brain is craving dopamine which is him. You need to go cold turkey because it is addictive!

@Moresunlessrainevery time I’m tempted to message him I re-read your last post

@youreallygotmethere
Welcome!
I’m sorry for your loss.

Met my FwB online. But prior to that (and after long marriage) also had a very brief fling with someone I met in a club. Good luck with your search.

Hope you're still staying strong @Clytemnestra21 . This is the hardest bit, promise.

I read this yesterday. Made me think of my ex FWB. Hope it gives you a bit more clarity too

Men like that "want the intimacy and all that comes with it without care and all that comes with that"

Keep going chick

Thanks @OfcourseitsaNCI needed some caution this morning. This stage feels quite agonising.
But your quote’s pretty spot on. He doesn’t want more of a relationship than it is - I can handle that. But not really caring about how I’m feeling doesn’t sit right with this level of intimacy over this period. And I can’t match it so I need to withdraw.

It appears from the outside that he wants a Fuck Buddy and you want a Friend With Benefits, possibly more.

Yes, hang in there @Clytemnestra21.. this is the agonising bit, but if there is a mismatch of feelings/care then it’s going to feel more agonising in the long run to stay in it.

In case it’s any consolation , I had an interesting experience recently: an old FWB from 20 years ago got in touch.. He and I had a thing for around 4 years (on and off) , some lovely bits but overall I got attached and wanted more and he didn’t so in the end I ended it, as I knew the cycle would just continue forever if I didn’t step away. Anyway, we occasionally bumped into each other socially in the intervening years , but recently he got in touch to ask for some professional advice . He took me for lunch and it seemed pretty obvious that the professional advice was only one aspect and he was also maybe hoping we could resume our thing together.. He kept trying to flirt and compliment me and although he’s still handsome and charming, I just wasn’t feeling it at all, and I could see him becoming increasingly confused as every time he tried to steer the conversation to something more flirty I just sort of smiled and shrugged it off. Happy to be friends but I don’t want anything other than that.. It felt very liberating to be in this situation with someone I had agonised over/pined for for so long .. Anyway, that’s a longwinded way of saying, keep moving forward @Clytemnestra21and who knows, maybe sometime down the line you’ll be the one shrugging him off too..

That’s one for us all to remember @shivermetimbers77 and well done on staying strong@Clytemnestra21

This makes me feel really sad and disappointed but good to know

Thanks @shivermetimbers77
that must have felt gratifying
i hate endings, and hate that we’re not in contact but you’re right time gives things a different perspective

I’ve just blocked him everywhere

FWB has become F without some Bs.

(Sigh).

So another good male friend, but no sex any more.

He got a big dose of religion.

He is an awesome friend but parts of me need time to grieve.

Well done @Clytemnestra21👏

Thanks @Moresunlessrain