A thread for fwb survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek)

[FWBSurvivor]

This is a thread for people who've had fwb where it hasn't ended in an ideal way? Which is kinda where I am at the moment.

Usually fwb suits me fine and when things come to a natural end I walk away it takes a little time to mend a bruised ego of course if they've been the one to end it. This situation is a little different.

Maybe I let it go on too long (nearly a year, I usually limit to around 6 months) and I did really like him. There were/are good reasons why it could never have become a serious/permanent relationship and I knew that from the start as did he and it didn't seem as if it would be a problem.

But then time goes on and I did come to like him quite a lot. He's chosen to end things as there are things he wants from a relationship which I simply cannot provide unfortunately. Nobody's fault just... life.

But I am feeling a little bruised as a result of things ending and not sure how long this will last or the best way to move forward.

So I thought a thread to chat with others who've been in a similar boat may help. You never know.

He sounds totally suitable to me @mummypigoink . If you're both in a similar place in life, and you both agree it's not going anywhere, what's the harm?

Thanks @OfcourseitsaNC @mummypigoink and @Moresunlessrain. The way @OfcourseitsaNC summarises it does make him seem super childish! @mummypigoink to be fair, 'willing' was my word to summarise it, not his. He basically keeps saying 'I don't want a relationship, so what do you want to do?'- therefore just putting it all on me. But yeh, it's not kind or responsible.

I'm in the thick of parenting and work but my heart isn't really in it. I keep checking my phone as I guess I'm hoping he'll contact me. Which is ridiculous because I do want to walk away at this point. I just wanted it to be a bit more special.

@mummypigoink that sounds promising about your new guy!

Ugh I'm sorry to hear he's been such an arse @Clytemnestra21 : he sounds pretty spineless and lacking in any sort of moral compass to be frank.. he is clearly unable to stop trying to meet you for sex, despite knowing how upset it makes you and that you want more. So, as he's unable to do the decent thing it's going to have to be you that ends it and makes the final decision to go no contact. But I know how hard that is to do..you will know when you're ready.

@Clytemnestra21 and @OfcourseitsaNC there’s far too much water under the bridge for it to go anywhere. And once again it’s all being done in secret. I need to hit the ozempic and Botox in the hope that I’ll be presentable enough for a bloke to one day take me for coffee before we sleep together 🤣

@mummypigoink you don't need to do any of those things to be deserving of dates!

I hear you on the secrecy feeling like it indicates something about how they perceive you though. That's one of the things I've finally had enough of.

I get wanting discretion, I'm a private person and don't want people knowing my business. But FwB's reluctance to go out made me feel either 1) he was embarrassed to be seen with me or, worse, 2) there was someone he needed to hide me from. Now neither of those things are necessarily true but there's no way of knowing for sure when people compartmentalise and whilst I didn't think about it too much in the beginning, it came to really gnaw at me. I don't want to be someone's secret.

@Clytemnestra21 yup, know those feelings very very well. Can I suggest automatic systematic habit by garbage, the thrill is gone by Raye, sorry by Madonna, better do better by hardfi and yes by mcalmont and butler as tracks for the moving on playlist!!

@mummypigoink thank you! 🙏

@Clytemnestra21 sometimes you just need an anthem

Hello all
@shivermetimbers77 thank you - it is all a bit ugh
I got a text from him. But very short and not needing a response.
I simultaneously feel really icky about how much I've already relinquished to this situation and want to stop right now and start to move on. But also really want him to contact me. It's a horrible squirmy feeling.
I'm trying to book an activity to look forward to. But fielding relentless child-related bills and feeling outraged at their father's refusal to contribute.
It's gotta get better hasn't it?

It's anxiety I think. That was me anyway. The wanting/hoping/checking they will message and say all the right things and make everything ok. That's one reason why blocking is helpful. As you get through that stage quicker. And move into the grief stage. I hope you are able to book something nice

He’s fucking with your head @Clytemnestra21. There’s really no limit to the emotional stupidity of some men. You’re not his person, he doesn’t want more but he’s not going away, is he? Had this with mine. He did the chasing every time and then out of the blue vanishes. I wasn’t a challenge, there’s no bragging rights in pulling me, so what was he getting from keeping coming back? Now, and with all due respect to you (maybe you’re a supermodel and there are bragging rights!), this all sounds very similar. Maybe it’s me trying to make myself feel better, but there’s something there. You know it, that’s why they don’t run for the hills when you tell them what you want, but they just can’t face the reality of making a decision to commit. Well, screw that. He’s going to regret losing what you could have and you can move on to better things. Do not put yourself two steps back in moving on by caving now. He’s as much of a dick as the miserly father of your children and you don’t need to have two of them in your life.

Get the McAlmont and Butler track blasting and book that nice thing to do.

It will get better!!

Reading this thread it strikes me that these FWB arrangements are mostly just relationships that you’ve tried to pretend weren’t relationships!

In my mind, if you’re with a guy that you have fun and sex with him over an extended period, that’s a relationship whether you call it that or not… and you’re almost bound to connect with them.

Why not just call a spade a spade, and quit trying to fool yourself. The very fact that there’s a lengthy thread on this topic proves that many, if not most, supposed FWBs aren’t really FWBs in practice, at least from a woman’s perspective.

I think you're right. FWB is just a name for a type of relationship. Modern terminology. If there's exclusive, regular sex then it's a spade @OneLemonGuide 😂

Thanks @Moresunlessrain and @mummypigoink
Yeh it is anxiety. It's a tiny bit of hope and optimism that fuels the anxiety isn't it?

I don't want to think he might message and I won't see it because he's blocked. But what's the point? I'm telling myself it's over and if he does message me I shouldn't respond so it's pointless waiting.
And you're right @mummypigoink I need to move on so that something good will happen beyond it.
also agree with @OneLemonGuide that the FwB terminology is misleading. But this thread isn't really about definitions. And I don't think any of us is pretending. The point of this thread is supporting one another when these relationships, that might not have the same official status as marriage/partner type relationships - and so may not elicit the same level of support from family and friends- come to an end.

Well said @Clytemnestra21 , I completely agree: none of us are pretending, we're just looking for support from people who have been there and get it.

Starting to crash now

This is the worst stage. I found intense exercise really helped but obviously the feelings came back again afterwards. What can you do to distract yourself tonight?

Thanks @Moresunlessrain
I'm with youngest child tonight and wishing I was a bit more positive and present.
Exercise is a great shout, setting f the alarm early. And need to do a list of admin tomorrow whilst also spending time with kids.
I'm starting to feel a bit cross at the unkindness.

cross is good @Clytemnestra21

How are you doing @Clytemnestra21 hope you managed to stay busy

Thanks @Moresunlessrain
Yeh, exercises this morning and been busy with kids. I'm okay but he messaged me. Then deleted it. It's quite hard not to message back

He messaged then deleted it? Did you manage to read it? That sounds a bit childish to me. How off putting.

So glad you managed a nice day

What a knob @Clytemnestra21 I’ve really got nothing more than that

Thanks @mummypigoink
@Moresunlessrain he asked if I'm missing him. Then deleted it. Maybe he realised it isn't fair/sensible to ask that now when I likely am.

I haven't responded. But I haven't slept much either.