A thread for fwb survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek)

[FWBSurvivor]

This is a thread for people who've had fwb where it hasn't ended in an ideal way? Which is kinda where I am at the moment.

Usually fwb suits me fine and when things come to a natural end I walk away it takes a little time to mend a bruised ego of course if they've been the one to end it. This situation is a little different.

Maybe I let it go on too long (nearly a year, I usually limit to around 6 months) and I did really like him. There were/are good reasons why it could never have become a serious/permanent relationship and I knew that from the start as did he and it didn't seem as if it would be a problem.

But then time goes on and I did come to like him quite a lot. He's chosen to end things as there are things he wants from a relationship which I simply cannot provide unfortunately. Nobody's fault just... life.

But I am feeling a little bruised as a result of things ending and not sure how long this will last or the best way to move forward.

So I thought a thread to chat with others who've been in a similar boat may help. You never know.

Thank you @OfcourseitsaNC and @shivermetimbers77
@OfcourseitsaNC I'm sorry you went through that too - think it changes us really fundamentally doesn't it?
I know this isn't enough for me. And I'll probably get hurt. I just don't know whether knowing it will make it less hurtful and me more prepared for it. I don't think anyone will ever break me the way my ex-DH did.
FWB is okay for right now I guess.

I have to be honest and I don’t think it will make it any less hurtful. I was really stung by something where I put a lot of effort into reminding myself it didn’t mean anything. But he was nice and we had a good time together and I did become invested.

@mummypigoink I'm so sorry you got hurt.

How are things going with the current conversation with FwB? X

@Clytemnestra21 I’m not really sure.

Fundamentally @Clytemnestra21

Not helped by the fact that when FwB was told about my new man, he severely further knocked my trust in men. Cunt. Good riddance to him.

My poor new man has a very long way to go for me to trust him even a little.

Oh I'm sorry to hear about that @OfcourseitsaNC
How disappointing and depressing. Do you think he's just jealous/sad?
Big hugs to you

Thanks @Clytemnestra21

He said something which means I worked something out. It has resulted in me realising I had wrongly placed my trust in him, and I shouldn't have done. So not jealousy or sadness, his weakness in character.

The knock on effect being me realising I was a fool to yet again trust a man.

All the men I've experienced in my life are weak willed and selfish. I need to look after myself better in future by remembering this.

I'm sorry @OfcourseitsaNC whatever it is sounds really disappointing

I'm in a "all men are arses" frame of mind now @Clytemnestra21 I do feel sorry for my new man!

Why do we let them keep getting under our skin to whatever extent they do?

@mummypigoink how are you doing today? Where's your head at?

Guys need your advice and thoughts on current FWB situation I’m in.

Been seeing each other casually for 3 months full on but a lot longer building upto it. I have feelings but play it cool most of the time. A few times I’ve said I can’t do it anymore but he’s reeled me back in. The last month has been lovely, we’ve been in constant contact and have seen each other 2-3 times a week sometimes we go out.
However every so often through the whole time I’ve known him, he has these episodes where he gets down about life, says he feels he’s wasted it etc as he has no kids, not been married, not lived with someone. But this last week has been quite bad. We were fine texting over weekend about it but Monday onwards he went quite distant with me. So Friday I asked if we could arrange something soon. He said yes. But then said he would let me know when as busy over weekend, normally he asks when I’m free. So I asked if he still wanted to continue. He said he was having a bad time and needed time to sort his head out. I said I’d leave him alone. He said he did not want me to leave him alone but he gets like this sometimes. proceeded to tell me he gets lonely etc, I said come out with me as we both in same boat. He said we’d sort something out. I then said text me later if you want, not expecting him to at all. But he did and said sorry I’ve been distant, it nothing about us, I love spending time with you, I’m not seeing anyone else just going through a hard time. The next day I said I hoped he had a better day to which he said thanks and he knows I’m being kind. I left it with I don’t like to see people down, he needs to work through it and I’d leave him be.

not heard from him since.

Do we think this is legit or just a way of trying to make distance in the hope I get the hint?

If it is legit, how much space do I give him?

I’ve given him ample opportunities to stop it which would be easier for me, so if he wants to stop why can’t he just say so.

im frustrated and thank you for reading this far!

@Vvmumofone he may be legit, he may not. But not acknowledging your last message was poor. The fact you’re questioning it makes me think you should back off and use the time to think what you want. Even if he is legit, do you have the capacity to deal with this? You’re not obliged to fix him, or cut him slack for things he needs to manage.

Thank you @OfcourseitsaNC im currently marking time. There’s a short window while it suits me for things to be how they were, but not for long. So I’m trying very hard to keep some distance. Unlike what most of you are experiencing, he is really a good bloke. Which makes all the difference.

@mummypigoink i know, I guess I just want closure on it and I gave him the opportunity to ends things but he didn’t. But now I feel even more awkward ending it myself if he is having a bad time. I think I will take this week to have a think.

@Vvmumofone good luck. We’re here if you need to vent

@mummypigoink thank you :)

Good on you trying to keep your distance @mummypigoink It's so important to protect yourself in these things. I'm glad you have a short window and know that things will have to change when that closes. FWIW, for 4 years xFwB was a really good bloke too. Until I discovered on Thursday that he wasn't. He was really good at hiding it.

@Vvmumofone sounds like you're trying to protect yourself too. You've been really open with him and given him ample opportunities to respond. You're in control of you, so you do what you need to in response to him. I think taking a week to think it over is a great idea. We're here to bash things out if you want to externally process further.

Hey everyone,
Hope you're all well.
@Vvmumofone I agree with @mummypigoink you don't have to hold space for his issues. You need to prioritise yourself however that looks.

I love this thread and the support it offers ❤️

That sounds grim @OfcourseitsaNC

@Vvmumofone That’s a tricky one.. It sounds like he may genuinely be struggling but it’s interesting that he’s withdrawing and going into himself rather than reaching out…Is he quite avoidant in general?.. I think all you can do at this point is give him some space and keep yourself busy and distracted - he knows where you are and I’m sure he will pop back up in a bit. I have noticed that the men rarely end these sorts of arrangements, as they seem to bloody love the convenience of an FWB- sex and emotional connection on tap with no commitment! So he will probably keep it going for as long as you will put up with it. Depends how long you want to put up with it though!

My situation rumbles on : I didn’t end it in the summer as I had thought I might.. we have then had a few lovely months of feeling very relaxed and connected when we are together, still only meeting once a fortnight but that suits me as I couldn’t do more than that anyway. Texting a bit every day or two. All quite relaxed. Had a particularly lovely meet up last week and since then I have been feeling a bit vulnerable about it all again. Wondering if he is seeing other people. We discussed it a year ago and he said he wasn’t seeing anyone else but a few things recently make me wonder. Spidey senses are tingling and I just would not want to continue with it if he is seeing others. I couldn’t hack that. But something keeps stopping me from bringing it up directly again, I think because I’m scared of the answer and when I’m with him I just get caught up in the fun of the moment and the worries feel a million miles away. It’s only afterwards that I begin to brood like a moody teenager. Honestly I’m too old and busy for this shit 😆 Part of me wants to end it and just go back to being fully single as I was happily for years before him. But part of me would of course really miss it.. so I’m dithering!

@shivermetimbers77 no advice but I really understand that I do and I don’t feeling you’re describing.

Funny how we all seem to be in similar boats…

@shivermetimbers77 the way you describe the dithering resonates with me so much. Spidey senses feeling like something is off. Knowing if there's someone else or he's still involved with his ex I have absolutely no way ever of corroborating. Thinking each time after we've seen each other that perhaps this is the moment to pull back before I get hurt more. And then when we see each other, or he's attentive, it is so lovely and fun and distracting, I enjoy the moment so much I convince myself I don't care about any of my unease. It's like a pendulum and I'm almost getting comfortable with the times when it feels 'off'; which makes me wonder whether I'm a bit hooked on the uncertainty itself.

My news is I've tentatively agreed to a date in a few weeks time. I have never met the person and am feeling a bit of trepidation I won't find them attractive but I feel like I should go just to go on a date. It's a proper date too. Drinks and if we get on an activity. Eek!

Good @Clytemnestra21 you really need to give it a try!!!

Agreed @shivermetimbers77 . Those Spidey senses know. And you're so right about them not ending things as they'd rather cling on to sex and connection. xFWB screwed up a few times in our 4 years. I remember him saying during a couple "I think we're done now" Did he finish it? Nope.

The strange thing is that I didn't either. I liked the familiar sex too much.

25 year old me would be horrified at the life I'm loving now. So much has changed. For the better? Who knows?

And @Clytemnestra21 - have a Morgan Freeman! Well done you. You're going to have to give us all the details after the date.

Thank you @OfcourseitsaNC - dates are scary but I know it's the right thing to do. Just feels weird as in some ways feel like I'll be betraying FwB

Absolutely it’s scary. I was really nervous last week, so much so I had a vodka before I went!!

Scary but adrenaline pumping fun.

The betraying FwB was a weird feeling for me too @Clytemnestra21 .But I figured it was never forever with him, and I needed to explore options.

🥃@mummypigoink