A thread for fwb survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek)

[FWBSurvivor]

This is a thread for people who've had fwb where it hasn't ended in an ideal way? Which is kinda where I am at the moment.

Usually fwb suits me fine and when things come to a natural end I walk away it takes a little time to mend a bruised ego of course if they've been the one to end it. This situation is a little different.

Maybe I let it go on too long (nearly a year, I usually limit to around 6 months) and I did really like him. There were/are good reasons why it could never have become a serious/permanent relationship and I knew that from the start as did he and it didn't seem as if it would be a problem.

But then time goes on and I did come to like him quite a lot. He's chosen to end things as there are things he wants from a relationship which I simply cannot provide unfortunately. Nobody's fault just... life.

But I am feeling a little bruised as a result of things ending and not sure how long this will last or the best way to move forward.

So I thought a thread to chat with others who've been in a similar boat may help. You never know.

Thanks @Isanyonereallyanonymous for answering. I'm sorry to hear your MH isn't great and that you were treated that way by your last boyfriend. I hope you feel better soon.
If you're happy to answer another question, how long/how do you think you will be able to be in this situation with a new FWB without it impacting your feelings/MH?

Oh, when I said I like him in my earlier post, I meant as a person. I’m very good at compartmentalising feelings - if I set out for fb/fwb, feelings aren’t an option I entertain, I’m not looking for it so why complicate matters by entertaining it.
I’ve had 3 or 4 fwb over the years and all have ended because the bloke has caught feelings and wanted more, I have not.
For current fwb, it’s for his sake, I think it’s highly unfair for him to think we have something more than we do and I wouldn’t want to hurt him.
So not worried by having a new fwb and it affecting me directly. It’s just irritating to find a nice situation then someone moves the goal posts.

Thanks @Isanyonereallyanonymous for responding. That's really
Interesting about being able to compartmentalise.

Is there anything in particular you do/tell yourself to be able to make that distinction? Is there a difference in the partners you would consider to be your FWB and someone you would consider for a relationship ship that allows you to detach yourself in that way.

I set out to do with my FwB but after 6 months I realised I hadn't and was much more caught up than I'd intended. He clearly wasn't. So we've ended it. I would have liked things to have been different. But I don't know how they could have been from my end in that I can't help how I've come to feel. But maybe I could have and should have done something differently?

Oh bless you, don’t beat yourself up.
For me I’m very conscious that being in a relationship isn’t good for me, doesn’t bring out the best in me and that I have difficulties, and I don’t want to inflict that on someone so it’s easy to stay detached. I suspect that doesn’t apply to most though!
As far as I can tell, there’s 4 ways of interacting with men. This will be different for everyone but it’s how I see it!
Level 1 - fuck buddy. Perfunctory hellos how are yous, are you free now/x day, just sex. Easy no strings attached. Likely to turn up, do the deed and go or stay for a drink then go. Downside could be easy to feel used as a human fleshlight but fine if both on the same page.
Level 2 - casual half way between fb and fwb. Might swap a few more bits of chit chat day to day or every few days. May spend a bit of time together on the same ‘date’ as just sex but unlikely to socialise for other reasons. It’s nice but the in between chat can feel a bit unnecessary/pretentious personally.
Level 3 - fwb. Might chat more frequently, see each other more frequently and be more intimate together, eg stay overnight or go for a ‘date’. However no plans for a future, to introduce to family etc. Might well overlook things that would put me off if looking to date them. I also draw a line at ever getting too personal myself - happy to give them the gf experience as it were, cuddle or talk about things bothering them, provide sympathy if they’ve had a bad day etc. But I never share anything personal about my life, what’s going on, how I feel etc. If they ask, I’m always good. Tbh as nice as this is, it can be time consuming.
Level 4 - relationship. Intent for long term matching, will they get on with my family, do we match on morals/values etc as well as physical. Will open myself up a lot more.

No idea if any of that is helpful and maybe one day someone will come along who blows my theories to smithereens and causes feelings but for now I’m all good!

Thanks. I felt quite sad reading your level 3. To me that sounds like acting as though you have consideration and care for one another but going through the motions and not really feeling it. This is what my FWB was doing with me. I realise now that he expressed a lot of interest in my life and things I'm going through and made very supportive noises and gestures but was limited in what he shared with me (ie shared lots of anecdotes and stories about his past and thoughts but not really intimate and personal stuff). Problem is I did feel it.

For what's it's worth, I didn't want a blending families, long term commitment, shared values type relationship with my FWB. But I wanted the connection we had to be heartfelt and real and to mean something. He acted out that it did, until he realised it'd started to mean something to me.

I believe there's a level between your 3 and 4, not a committed relationship, and which looks very similar to 3 but where neither party is pretending to care or holding anything back.

I'm at 3a then @Isanyonereallyanonymous ? FWB plus? 🤣

We text several times a day, every day, and have done for 4 years. Mostly funnies. We'll discuss the news or groupwatch a film or series. We see each other for a full weekend every fortnight. More on holidays. I stay at his, due to the 80 miles between us.

We share lifes ups and downs. We've supported each other through grief, joy and job changes. We've met each others families and friends. He's met my teenage children for a cuppa. We've got things in the diary until September. Last weekend he said something like "remind me of what I've just said in a few years time when I try to do it" It works for us to call it FWB, as that's the label we're comfy with.

We have no desire whatsoever to live together. We have no desire to move to each others towns. I can't see him as a life partner. He's just right for right now.

Oh I think at level 3 it’s important to like the person. And the interest I show in them is very much genuine. I can’t lie for toffee or do things if I’m not interested so I wouldn’t get very far with a level 3 if I didn’t like and appreciate them on a fundamental level, plus I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone by pretending about any of it/misleading them.
Im intrigued about your comment about wanting a connection and for it to mean something - to me that is relationship territory and very ‘feelings’, interesting you and the next poster both identify a level 3a as it were!

See I read all that and thought isn’t that a relationship? Not being confrontational, but genuinely that sounds like a great relationship to me.
I guess with regard to not living together to me it would depend if that’s exclusive to him in which case I get the mr right now rather than mr right. But if you don’t want to live with anyone again ever then my brain is struggling to get round this being a not a relationship to be honest!
but it works for you guys and that’s what’s most important right!

Doesn't meet your level 4 criteria though @Isanyonereallyanonymous as there's no desire on either part for long term matching.

It may end up being long term, but that will only be because someone more preferable hasn't come along.

We see other people if the opportunity arises. I've had a few dates/ONSs while seeing him. He may also have done so. We don't discuss it if we do.

I also had a year long relationship during the 4 years I've known him. During that, me and FWB chatted regularly, but didn't meet up. As soon as the relationship ended, I was back in FWBs bed within a fortnight.

@OfcourseitsaNC it sounds like a really nice friends with benefits tbf. Like that’s ideal if neither gets feelings as you don’t feel used but enjoy it. So hard to get the balance. I just don’t think I can do it without getting feelings.

@OfcourseitsaNC reading your message makes me really regret ending things with my FWB!

But as @Vvmumofone says, maybe I'm just not cut out for this

I think I'm a 3a also

We message couple of times a week. I'd like more contact but he takes days to respond.

We have been out to the cinema, for walks, food, he's cooked me dinner. We chat about friends, his family, hobbies, his partner etc

We don't see each other a lot. Planning to meet Saturday and that will only be the second time in 3 months.

Happy to concede there is indeed a 3a then! Curious, those of you that have introduced a fwb to family/friends, what have you introduced them as and would you say hold hands, have a quick kiss with them etc around others who know you?

I haven't introduced mine to anyone... and l have no intention of meeting any of his. Simply because this isn't a romantic relationship that is going to last the distance... plus he has his partner who has met his friends etc so I'd feel really awkward meeting them

On another note, l think mine is backing away. Meant to be meeting Saturday. He wants to just go for a walk. Which means no kissing, cuddling and certainly no sex!. We haven't seen each other in over a month so l thought he'd want a bit of fun.... obviously not!

I thought he had been going off me and not finding me as attractive as he isn't messaging like he used to, with dick pics and suggestive messages.

Feel quite gutted about it and really rejected. It gave me such a boost that he wanted to have sex with me

@Isanyonereallyanonymous Most already knew of him as my FWB before they met him, so they knew the terms we were together on. So when family and friends met him in person, I just introduced by name. No PDAs in their presence.

When I've met his family and friends, I've also been introduced by name. I met his cousin unexpectedly and i was introduced to them as "my friend OfcourseitsaNC" The cousin must have seen from observing us that we were seeing each other. The body language and his occasional arm round me made that pretty obvious. He was more than happy kissing me full on the lips in front of his best mate.

@NeedToAskPlease I may be speaking out of turn here and overstepping, but TBH I haven’t been getting a good vibe about your FWB based on the info you’ve shared. I feel like you deserve someone much better, who is happy to meet your needs and wants in bed. ❤️

@NeedToAskPlease I agree with @PTown It doesn't sound like you're really getting what you want/need from the relationship.
I have ended mine for good and I feel a sense of relief. He popped back up to me yesterday, calling and saying he wanted to meet up after work between 5-7pm but did not send any messages saying when exactly or where. I called him and he said he was on the road running errands (Read - probably off to see someone else) and he would see me around 10pm - on a work night? He is on annual leave. I told him that was not suitable for me so he said 'I'll call you back in a few minutes and we'll meet earlier.'
Two hours and no message or call later I messaged him to tell him it's over and I've subsequently blocked him.
I hadn't heard from him in 10 days prior to this and life was good. The moment he popped back I felt on edge from all the unpredictability of the situation. I was getting anxiety about what his intentions were. He was wasting my time and the worst part of it was - I WAS LETTING HIM.
It's not a relationship if the other person isn't matching your energy. I'm moving on.

@PTown @DiscoveryDiva totally agree with what you're both saying

I haven't felt loved, wanted or desired in years. My XH didn't want me for over decade... so to have someone who gives me a bit of attention is such a boost..... but also he really messes with my head and my thoughts are consumed by him.

I am on dating apps but no joy as yet.

@NeedToAskPlease It's horrible isn't it. Every woman longs to be wanted and desired. We're not asking for much are we. I was married 20yrs and my ex was cold and unaffectionate. Used to make me think I was clingy if I wanted as much as a hug. Like you, it's been nice having someone giving me attention. He couldn't get enough of me in the early days and was very touchy feely but after 3 months the difference has been noticeable. He's definitely getting the affection elsewhere hence the game playing. Most men cycle women so they give you enough just to keep you hooked. He can take his crumbs elsewhere. Nothing attractive about a 40yr old player. He's given me the ick!

Hey@DiscoveryDiva @NeedToAskPlease
Agreed it is horrible!!
I still haven't heard from mine and don't expect to now. I still wake up thinking about him and check my phone constantly from him. I'm full of regret at having ended things by text message and wish we'd spoken on the phone. The negative feelings and thoughts are in overdrive now, my mind's racing with whether he's found someone else, wasn't bothered all along, was just using me etc. all making me feel a bit icky. I wonder if I'll get the ick!

@Clytemnestra21 The ick is real lol! Mine is so bad I've gone back on dating apps to try and find something a bit more like a relationship. Let's see how I fare! Love and hugs to all x

Ooh good luck @DiscoveryDiva
I feel like I want a relationship too. Can't though bear the thought of apps again though

@NeedToAskPlease I'm now in a similar situation to you.

The fwb I started this thread about I'm basically over! Other regular (one that was pissing me off) I've put on back burner as I've met someone new and this seems a whole other level!

Possibly even turning into something...a bit special.

and l subconsciously look at my free time as when l could see him..... forgetting that actually he might not be free... so I'm trying to fill that time by going for long walks.

Brings to mind a certain friends scene with chandler being in what was usually the "girls" role of having committed - but Janice freaked! He was like "I should call her" and Monica and Rachel are like "no! You feel like calling her you take a bath, you do your nails" (so you can't use the phone )

It is hard!

New chap? Doesn't care how often I message or call, messages me and calls me allll the time. Thought I'd hate this - loving it!

Rooroobear hope you're coping with the lack of attention - get under someone else? I'm on the same site & agree with all you said.

DiscoveryDiva a month ago and for many years I'd have said hell no! Now? I might consider it yea. But on my terms. No blending of finances, there are no young children involved.

I'd like to meet someone who l do love but equally l don't want to give up my independence of my own place, finances etc.

I know people who've found this it is possible.

Clymnestra I'm afraid so or you'll be even more hurt.

Needtoaskplease I would not be happy with so little communication. Not because I'm clingy type but I need communication to be regular.

My best advice when he goes off radar like that would be to keep busy.

Absolutely!

Mine has ramped up communication this week. Texting and calling me. Asking if I’m feeling better, making suggestions about going over. May have been because I said I might get back with ex. So that once again, heads a bit wobbly. Why is it so hard!

@FWBSurvivor this is exciting about your new guy!

@Vvmumofone what do you think you'll do?

i'm two weeks into NC and he still hasn't contacted me. It is slightly better but I still think about him way too much - and it bugs me that the ending was so abrupt. I haven't contacted him because I don't want to be the first and he didn't respond to my last message but now I'm wishing I had contacted him sooner. Spending a lot of time wishing things had been different.