I forgave the unforgivable and now I'm not okay

[DooveyDay]

Some years ago in the early-ish stages of our relationship, my partner had an affair that lasted several months. I will not tell the whole story here as it would be too long to read and probably doesn't add much value, but it involved a high degree of betrayal and humiliation.

At the time, and for a long time afterwards, I think it was impossible for me to process mentally that it was all real. I believed myself to be particularly cherished by him (he always said he was lunching above his weight) and this wasn't behavior I predicted from his general character.

As I said, it was early-ish days of our relationship. We were not married, we were not living together, we had no children, we had no financial links. Had he wanted to be in a relationship with the other woman rather than me, it certainly would have been easy to do so. She said she was in love with him.

However, he was adamant that he loved me and not her, and that he'd never wanted a relationship with her. He said it was a terrible mistake that just happened after a series of bad choices. He said I was the love of his life and he begged me to give him a second chance because the thought of life without me in it was unbearable. So, I did.

Had the story ended there, I think I would have healed up from this and we'd have gone on to be happy, but the immediate aftermath in the first six months after discovery was horrific and I think far worse than the cheating itself.

Firstly, it was obvious that he grieved the loss of the affair and found it difficult to let go of it. He made excuses to break his NC agreement and betrayed me over and over again during the time period he was supposed to be helping me heal. There were also times I briefly felt he wanted her and not me, that he was happier with her than me, although he denied this adamantly.

I can see now that his behavior over that period of time caused very deep psychological damage to me. It changed me in way I couldn't see at the time because I was just trying to survive it and make it stop rather than analysing much. Each time I tried to leave he would cry and beg and I would go back on new promises that were broken every time.

Eventually, he turned things around.

He worked with her, so he left his job for my sake and has never had contact with her since. He says now that she is irrelevant to him but that for a brief time he was addicted in a sense to the free adoration she gave him in the false world of the affair. He said it was never love, but more a desire to be admired and approved of and made to feel good in some way.

He stopped drinking completely and took up a lot of couples hobbies with me. He voluntarily changed a lot of things to create security for me, emotionally and in the wider scheme of life. He has spent many years being the perfect partner really, and if not for the history I would feel cherished and very lucky.

As a result of all that happened, I have dealt with hideous depression. I have cut myself off socially. I gave up my once much-loved work. I lost all confidence in myself as a person in more or less every aspect of my life. I have deep issues with trusting others or being vulnerable. I lost my interest in sex almost completely. For me, it feels like my life story ended some time ago and I am just going through the motions.

Through this, he is a rock and pillar. He dotes on me and there isn't anything I could ask for that he does not give. It doesn't matter how bad I feel, he is always there. The life he has given me now is exactly the one I always dreamed of and wanted and yet I cannot shake the pain and sadness that makes me feel like a stranger in it.

Not a day goes by that I don't struggle to understand how he once treated me so cruelly. I don't understand why he did it, why he wanted to do it, or how he was capable of it. He is unable to really explain that to me. He only promises he regrets ever minute of it, he will never leave and he will never harm me again.

I fantasise sometimes about packing a bag and disappearing so nobody has to come near me again. I feel so sad that anybody, let alone him, did things which changed me like this. I also feel bad and guilty that I haven't just "moved on".

I really don't know what to do.

I just wanted to know really if this is something anyone else has ever felt? I feel very alone.

I’ve only read your posts op and not the entire thread so this may already have been said.

Is it possible that you are unconsciously using your suffering as a way to bind him to you, and keep him faithful. That being whole and happy wasn’t enough, but that showing how much you hurt draws him close. So unconsciously the risk of treating your depression and getting better is also to risk him leaving you?

And no one can say for sure that he wouldn’t.

You described how you imagined your life would be without him - a deep solitude free of demands. I think you’re imagining what you need to heal - even if you can only imagine the first step.

I think, in order to begin to heal, you have to be ready to let him go. Either to leave, or to risk him leaving.

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through

I think you are stuck in a depression that may well be a reaction to previous trauma - you need to see your GP and get help. This is not something you or your partner can fix without help. He behaved very badly and it's understandable that you feel hurt and betrayed 💔 would your partner be open to couples counselling?

Please don’t consider couples counselling at the moment .

You need to be free to explore all your feelings without consideration of how they are heard.

i also have concerns some of his behaviours are a way of controlling you.

You say he loves you, but do you love him?

You say you are deeply hurt and I’m not sure how you live with that everyday.

DH had depression for two years and I found it very hard to live with, we were both trapped by it. Nothing I did made him ‘better’.

I was ready to leave I wasn’t living I was existing - it’s no way to live.

You need to see a doctor and then you need to find out who you really are and stop placing all your worth in one person.

Your parents loved you, your friends loved you, your child loves you - yet you still crave this man’s love?

It’s like a trauma attachment, when people get kidnapped and rely on their captors even when released.

You need to find a way out to find yourself, maybe consider a break from each other?

Funny how most of the perfectly nice and attractive women I know who did leave or were dumped past 40 remain single many years later, and not through choice. Past a certain age your chances of finding someone plummet.
You might be better single. But sadly there aren't plenty more fish necessarily.

You might be better single. But sadly there aren't plenty more fish necessarily

If I become single after 40, I won’t be going fishing anyway.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It does sound as though you are understandably traumatised by his betrayal. I think I would really struggle too in your shoes and he has treated you terribly but something about your posts has resonated with me a bit. I have PMDD and can feel very low before my period. I am in no way trying to diminish what he has done or the trauma you have endured but I wonder if hormones are contributing to your low mood? I think it’s worth see a GP.

I haven’t read the full thread but I read your posts and wanted to say I could have written similar (also about 4 years post discovery of an affair) and felt v much the same as you for the first couple of years or so. But I now feel generally fine again so you can get back to that place.

For me, I think I had to get to a place of realising that yes, he could do this again, and yes, maybe I’ll never trust anyone ever totally in that naive rose tinted glasses way, but now is good / fine / what I want and I can’t change yesterday or know the future so now is what you focus on. And if the worst happens I won’t be as blindsided and I’ve made my life such that I can be ok on my own if I need to be.

I’d recommend some solo counselling and it won’t hurt to see a GP to see if some anti depressants help. Only you know if staying or leaving is your right choice and it’s ok to do either.

How much of this is you finding a way to punish him or getting the attention and devotion that you feel that you should have got before?

He behaved badly and you probably should have ended things. But you decided to stay but are living a miserable life. Why do you stay? What benefit does it bring you? You need to get support and help to move on and enjoy your life. Your life does not need to with him. And you have a lot of years left and should find a way to be happy.

You are only 47, and this only happened 4 years ago - i thought from what you wrote that it had happened years and years and years ago i.e. 20 years +

I guess you have not married this man ?

This has ( only ) taken up 10% of your life, I would move on now - see a Doctor, and get some counselling - you will feel much better for it, in time.

Onwards and upwards now.

He is not worth it, too many bad memories.

Thanks everyone, I am reading through the responses and will try and answer all the questions here.

Do you work, OP? You could save a little bit by bit so you could leave.
Yes, I work. I would not need to save money to leave. I can leave anytime I want and so can he. After the affair it was a red line for me that I would always have a door open to go if I wished to go. Hence we have two homes. Although we live together in both and my child has a bedroom in both. It soothes me to know I can go if I want to (sorry if that sounds horrible, but there are days it is hard).

You're mixing up now, with then. He's told you that he wasn't sure he loved you at the start, maybe that was your difference

He says he did love me, but that he just didn't feel like things would work out because he didn't picture a happy future for himself. He said he was fatalistic because of that, and so when she made herself abundantly available when I wasn't that he made dozens of micro decisions that he would never make today. He says it was a lack of worth in himself which caused this, rather than a lack of value in me.

Particularly consider why you fall so quickly and deeply from the start
This isn't me at all. I am the opposite way. At the time of the affair DP and I had been dating about 9 months and neither of us had said "I love you". I am very slow with these things!

Your title states you forgave but you didn’t did you? And you still haven’t and probably never will.
Forgiving him doesn't mean the damage to me is gone. I am not sure that's how this works. Coming to terms with something like this is something inside yourself. It has almost nothing to do with forgiving or not forgiving.

Infidelity is abuse and it seems to be accepted as a type of abuse people do by accident. The lying, gaslighting and devaluing is emotional abuse in anyone’s book and there is nothing accidental about it.
It absolutely is. I thought a few times today that I hope anyone reading this whose considering cheating on their partner or spouse thinks again. Dependent on the circumstances, it can cause a lot of damage.

Im offended on your behalf he has suggested yoga for your PTSD. It seems the more depressed and isolated you’ve become the more he loves you.
He read a book called "The Body Keeps Score" about trauma and it has a long chapter on Yoga, so he thought it might help me. He sees me in pain and he wants to fix it. So he thinks of things that might help. It's his love language. He doesn't love me more now I am depressed and isolated, he just loves me the same whether I am depressed or not. He wants me to get better.

It sounds to me, that the heart of your problem is that you cannot cognitively understand why he would have done what he did. I can't either, yours is rather an odd story. I too cannot understand why, in the very early stage of your relationship when he had nothing to lose, had an affair with this woman whilst so in love with you.
I don't think he was "so in love" with me at the time. Looking back I didn't actually think that he was. I remember thinking he was holding back from day one, and being not quite sure why as he was obviously besotted in quite a sweet (not smarmy) way but still holding back. He didn't tell me much about his past, kept me at arms length. What I thought was that he was a particularly honest, moral, kind, humble person so that's why this was such a shock. He is definitely NOT a shagger if you know what I mean.

When my previous partner (father of my child) cheated on me, I reacted very differently. I saw a text from another woman and more or less left immediately with a ten month old baby. My reaction was simply "he's an arsehole" and I walked away and was happier for it. This was very different. His anguish from the offset was obvious, and I remember in those first months after discovery that it was clear neither of us really wanted it to end and we just wanted another chance.

We'd been dating about nine months when his affair started, and we'd been apart for a few months as he was transferred to an office on the other side of the country. She was a colleague. He worked long hours with her. I had a child at home at the time, so seeing each other was tough and I was very chilled out about all the partying he was doing. It didn't once occur to me he was cheating, and with hindsight I felt such an idiot.

The work group did a lot of partying / drinking and while I believed we were in a committed / loving relationship, he obviously hadn't felt the same at the time. I feel a lot of humiliation over that now. Besotted with me? Yes. Committed to me? No. I learned they are not the same thing AT ALL.

He said he knew he wanted a future with me from early on, but he said was just a messed up person and lived for the moment in a fatalistic way. So when she arrived and made herself very available for essentially worshipping him, I think he just took it and didn't think much about what the cost would be.

Yes, he said he felt horribly guilty, but I think (he hasn't admitted this) that he was also getting something from it that was filling an emotional hole for him and he didn't want to give it up. He says he never thought it was love with her, or anything like it. He describes it as two drunk, fucked up people thrown together and making a huge mess.

What makes me very sad is that I know him, and he'd never shag anyone he didn't feel an emotional connection with - so I carry a lot of pain around that. That she must have given him something beyond sex that was worth doing this. That hurts me astronomically.

Plus he does sound as if he had deep feelings for this woman and grieved for her sorely.
I agonise over this, because if he did have deep feelings for her, then I want to leave. I cannot live with that, if he did. It is just not something I can accept. But he says he did not. He clearly grieved the entire thing in the six months after it all, but he tells me it wasn't love, but a form of dependency on a toxic connection and the chaos of all the shame and pain. I really, still, can't make sense of it and it plagues me. He says he was a mess at the time, and that he can't really fully explain it, but that it's over and she means absolutely nothing to him.

You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but is there a cultural/religious element in play? Are you perceived as a socially acceptable, culturally desirable mate whilst this other lady was somehow a taboo, unacceptable partner in some way?
No, there was no reason at all he could not have been with her if he had wanted to. In fact, being with me was far harder. It meant quitting his job, moving, and dealing with all this crap for years. He says there was never any question in his mind over what he wanted, and when he saw his future it was with me. He made it clear that whether I left or not, he didn't want a relationship with her.

Rather than saying that your bar was low at the beginning, forgive yourself for feeling that to continue in the relationship was the right thing to do.
Thank you for saying this.

Remember... this happened at the beginning of your relationship, when he hadn't yet developed a deep long-lasting relationship with you. Now he has.
This is what he says

I don't think you will ever be the old you again. Sometimes, events change us too much.
Thanks for understanding this. I think this is one of the worst things I am grieving right now. I feel embarrassed I wasn't able to shake this off. However in my deepest heart, I know this changed me in a way I will never recover from. I know I must find a new way of being, and I will miss old me.

Whether you will admit it or not you are depressed and have PTSD. I am a retired American military officer and I know what that looks like. Yoga does not fix depression and PTSD. Hiding in the countryside doesn't fix it either. A good psychiatrist and a trauma counselor do. Please, please get help today. I've seen the result of not seeking help. Please don't do that to yourself. You can get well if you choose to.
Thanks for this. I am aware deep down that this is what's happened. I have not given too much detail on all that occurred during the worst of this and I don't want to, but I felt horror and terror that I could not see a way to escape from at the time. I have read some academic articles on PTSD and it explained very well the way I feel that my life story just ended and like I am an alien in my own life now. Thanks for writing this to me, it'll help me find the strength to try and get help.

Do you love your partner and want to stay?
I deeply love my partner, and want to stay. I only think of leaving because I feel I am so changed by this that I am no longer a good partner to anybody and that he would be happier and better off without me.

A great many people go through the trauma of betrayal and worse losses but they don’t use it as an excuse to stop living for years on end.
I know. It makes me feel inadequate that I haven't been able to do this.

Unfortunately you and your partner are trauma bonded and this is not healthy for either of you.
No, we are not trauma bonded. I think it's likely he and the affair partner were though. It was a very toxic situation. He and I are very peaceful and calm together. I don't experience any feelings that I can't live without him or need him. If anything my problem is isolating myself to a point of needing nobody.

I think we might understand more if you explained what he actually did that made it so different to normal affairs?
One thing I learned over the last four years is that all affairs are more or less the same. One person making choices to get something that makes them feel good at the expense of another person. I made a lot of excuses initially for him in my head (maybe as a self defence mechanism) but ultimately he did this because he wanted to. Accepting that has been incredibly hard for me to do. What I have also learned though is that some things can add to the trauma. For example, it going on for months is worse than a one night stand. Finding out from the other woman is worse than a confession. And, being told by the cheater that they are sorry and love you and will never harm you again only to break NC several times when you are trying to recover is particularly traumatic. For me, that was what caused the deepest damage. That he did not immediately turn things around.

One additional question. You say you were betrayed twice before. You moved on quickly from those betrayals. Previous trauma can rear its ugly head when it happens again. Do you have any abandonment or trauma from childhood? Again this can resurface and stop you healing.
No, I don't have abandonment trauma from childhood. DP does. I can't articulate too well why this betrayal broke me and the others didn't. They were certainly more serious relationships. Maybe the short answer is: because this time, the one who betrayed me is the one I think I want to, and am mean to, grow old with. And I know that it will always be tainted now.

With regards to all the comments on leaving him and so on.

Re: him begging me to stay, yes he did. Was it manipulative and unfair? Maybe. I don't think that was his deliberate intention. I think he genuinely couldn't deal with it ending and the aftermath of all this was so chaotic for both of us. We were both just crying all the time for months on end. It was horrible. Wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I did go through the phases of total emotional turmoil and (worse) the rage. During the rage phase I did leave for a few months. During that time he gave me the space I asked for but made it clear he wasn't going anywhere and he'd wait whether I came back or not.

I think he was steadfast, patient, loving and I didn't feel pressured. I felt deeply loved, and that was why I came back.

So are you basically suggesting the op has to try and resolve her unhappiness in this relationship because she’s too old to meet anyone else? I’m one of that over 40s nice women crowd you’re referring to and I promise you I don’t feel “sad” that I haven’t landed another fish. I feel empowered that I made the right choice in breaking free from a man who cheated whilst preserving the appearance of a loving partner and family man. And I suspect that the op has been gradually stripped of her autonomy by a man who has subtly undermined her (e.g. not working, lack of a support network etc). I think we can know truths subconsciously and it is the op’s unwillingness to face these head on that is partially behind her depression. Suggesting that the op should factor future singledom into deciding what she does now is so misguided - like saying “yeah he’s a wrong’un but at least you won’t be a single woman over 40” 🙄

His affair, in the best possible way, was likely little to do with you; it was something in him, a need he fulfilled in the wrong way. When you're in that space the dopamine is sort of overwhelming and you can talk yourself into almost anything, and justify almost anything.

This makes little sense to me, but it's more or less his interpretation of things. Bad, selfish, destructive decisions made to meet a need at the time.

The depression, the lack of desire for sex, it’s all because you’re in a relationship that is not right for you. You can’t desire someone you don’t trust.
I desire him a lot. I trust him a lot too (no idea why, but I do). The lack of wanting sex is because I worry I am not as good at it as she was. Sounds pathetic huh? I think she was quite wild and so on, and I feel comparatively like I am less exciting. Which is dreadful because I used to think I was a fantastic shag.

I truly think the "good people do bad things" really applies here...and, from what you've typed, I feel your DH is s good man who's done a (massively) bad thing. But I believe people can (and do) see their mistakes and the damage they have caused and intend to spend their lives dedicated to making amends. I feel your DH is that kind of man.
I think so too, or I would not be here. Thank you.

Within you is a younger self who was betrayed by him, but who was also betrayed by you yourself - because you didn't protect yourself by leaving him when it happened, or in the aftermath when he was behaving badly.
This post made me cry in the car earlier. So insightful and so true. Thank you

Perhaps you could focus less on "love", and instead ask yourself is this a relationship that is "good for me" - is is helping you to be your best self? Is it helping you to grow, to be happy, to have a fulfilling life?
I have little doubt this man is good for me. All of this mess made him grow, heal, change and become possibly who he might have been had he not had a terrible childhood. We went away for Easter and I got a text from my Mum that said "you two are so lovely together". And we are. I am so sad that whatever is going on inside me is causing this block.

What's in it for him exactly? He's living with a depressed partner and no sex.
I have asked him that. He says that he wants me to be well and happy, but that what I see as "depressed" me is not what he sees. He says I am kind and funny and that when he's not with me his day is worse. He says sick or sad or angry, that any version of me is a lot better than no me at all. And I think that's how he feels, even though it doesn't quite make sense to me as I wouldn't want to be around me.

I’m glad you’ll be contacting your GP. Please do it tomorrow, don’t put it off.
I am registered with the GP in the country, so I will make an appointment for when I go back.

Do you think that doing the 'pick me' dance has set an unhealthy dynamic to your relationship?
This is such a funny comment, because on the day I found out about this affair one thing I was definitely NOT doing was the pick me dance. No way, no how. I was out. I ended it immediately. It took weeks to get me to agree to giving things another shot, and that included multiple promises from him. Then, later, as time went on, he broke them all really - which is, as I said, far worse than the affair itself. I wound up in the pick me dance without ever consciously choosing to be. I somehow didn't leave, and I hate myself for that. I will never understand why I didn't. I just don't know. I think by the time it was clear that things were not going to be as cut and dried as I had hoped, I was traumatised and totally frozen. I'd been through weeks of this bloody woman ringing me at work and screaming down the phone "if he loves YOU so much, why was he fucking ME for months". I eventually left work because it all made me so ill. I look back now like a warzone. Every day having missiles fired at me and having no idea where to run for cover. So yes, I did play the pick me dance, but without consciously realising I was. This is, as someone said earlier, a huge betrayal of myself.

The facts stay with you in what you feel they MEAN about the world, about others, and about yourself. And that is worth exploring - what are you telling yourself about all of this, and can you be curious about that?
That I am fundamentally worthless, if the person I love and who loves me did all this to me - ultimately - for someone who he didn't love and who was not particularly nice (I mean, she was very nasty to me!) and that at any time anyone can do this to me, and I (seemingly) will not defend myself.

The trauma, I believe, is rooted in the reality that I did not adequately defend myself. Which I didn't. I was expecting him to. And he does that in spades now, but certainly didn't in the chaos of all of it actually happening. So life is unsafe now. That is, effectively, what I feel has triggered in my brain. Horror, terror, from which I can't escape because I will freeze.

As @taylorswift1989 & other pps have pointed out this man doesn't truly love you & you deserve so much more.
He just thinks he that he loves you.

I do understand that you don't always 'love' a person in the early stages of a relationship as it's a mix of getting the feels/really liking you/lust/starting to care for you, however what he did wasn't on & isn't on assuming that your relationship was exclusive at the start or soon after the start of you getting together.

If you were important to him & were exclusive there was & is no justification in his behaviour.
His internal beliefs that he wasn't good enough for you & that he was punching above his weight is not a justification for letting you down by having a sexual & emotional affair with another woman.

If he wanted someone else he should have finished things with you & then moved on to someone else.
Not keep you & have his extra cake on the side taking his time to choose which person he was going to be with.

He is & still is an absolute narcissistic prick & his actions caused you immense pain.
And yes I do think you do have PTSD or Relationship related PTSD.

Now I could have understood why you'd forgiven him if it he'd had a one off moment of madness & had a one off one night stand that was never ever repeated but a an affair no way.

It's not your fault that he did what he did.
I'm also guessing the affair was either with someone close to both of you & someone that you thought would never have an affair either.
Or
It was with a previous partner of his possibly the previous partner (before you) that had cheated on him & had left him for someone else & your partner had left her because he couldn't live what she had done.

Then ex partner realises that she's made a mistake & wants to reunite with him. So your partner felt conflicted as he still loved her.
Even if this was the cause he should have still ended things with you before he went back to try again with the ex.
Not just 'try' the both of as if you were two pairs of jeans that he'd bought from a shop & wore them both over the week to see which pair he liked best then take the other pair back for a refund.

Although I do think you are nuts to want to stay with him (though I think that might be something to do with your previous relationships & I can see how this relationship has triggered past trauma)

I can also understand why on one level you want to stay with him.
But psychologically you are split & are hurting because you both hate him & love him at the same time.
And you are blaming yourself for his actions.
Some people say that depression is anger turned inwards. I think that is in your case.

So GP, Therapy & LTB or stay with him.
However painful healing is going to be regardless of the outcome.
Don't you deserve to heal @DooveyDay ?

You do deserve to heal, as you are worth healing. Like all of us you are worth it.

I see that we've cross posted @DooveyDay (apologies if you don't like being tagged)

I can understand & agree but also disagree with some of the things you have said.

And yes you've turned your anger in on yourself rather than being angry with him.

Are you afraid of how you will feel & what might happen if you tell/show/make him understand your anger?

Do you feel that staying with him is 'safe' because leaving him would be terrifying because it's the unknown?

@TracyBeakerSoYeah Sorry, I have posted quite long posts so you might have missed the part where I talk about the rage that went on for months. To say the man lived in a permanent earthquake is an understatement. I was a ball of fire and rage and it was allllllll directed at him.

I also left him for months. I have no real anger left at him, because I got it all out. He took it, however much of it there was, and when I was done he was still standing there.

I don't really feel angry at anyone now. Just very sad.

Yes I think I may have missed that (my fault for reading your thread too quickly)

Maybe a daft question but what do you want?
Truly & honestly want going forwards?

At this moment in time don't think of whether it is possible to happen or not or how you could achieve it.
Don't even tell us (though that's your decision)
Just write down anything that comes to mind e.g. what would be the ideal future for you, what would you think or say to someone else in your situation, what do you feel sad about, what is making you happy, what scares you, what gives you hope, expand on why you hurt & why you feel you are hurting yourself, why it make you you feel sad or does it make you feel good (yep I know this sounds perverse but 'ourself' is complicated & can feel & agree with opposing thoughts/actions)
Just write anything whether it be recent or 45 yrs ago , even if it doesn't seem to make sense.

I think I should stop there as I am not a psychotherapist but I'm hoping that these questions might help you in trying to make sense of how & why you feel.
And something to help you with & to bring to Psychotherapy (with a fully qualified Psychotherapist & you can check qualifications/training/experience & areas of interest with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (professional body)

https://www.bacp.co.uk/

That's if you do feel that you want psychotherapy

I have a similar story of betrayal from 8 years ago. I never for a day forget. I have an inner rage. The only time I feel completely alive is when with the grand kids. I hate that I have hidden it from my adult kids. I spend half my day ‘sleeping’ or pretending to be asleep.
Doovey, I do hope that you find a way to move on.
I am so ashamed that I decided to stay.

I think your self-esteem and confidence is broken through what happened OP.

You are also traumatised by what happened because it took you by surprise, he wasn't supposed to be the kind of guy who would do such a shitty thing, it seems classless and pointless, and yet he did. And he tainted the future in doing so. His decisions were illogic and I think you're struggling to reconcile them with who you think he morally is. You're looking for answers to what he did within you but they aren't there. You became depressed because of the trauma and being stuck in negative emotions for a long time.

That's what it seems to me.

I think the healthiest thing would be to get on medication and therapies. I also think few months into this you will likely acknowledge that he isn't who you thought/think he was. He is far more imperfect (to put it gently), impulsive, inconsiderate and unreliable than you seem to think. He's already shown you this. Yes, he may have grown since. But he isn't a great guy, this is a fact, he is capable of hurting you deeply. You have a choice of accepting this or not, and leaving.

His decision making at the time had nothing to do with you. You clearly weren't in a committed relationship, being apart, limited in seeing each other, few months into it. It sounds like your perceptions varied. He's still a dick for what he did but objectively, what he's saying is not totally unrealistic. It therefore makes no sense for you to feel inferior, unworthy or insecure because of his completely unrelated conduct or because of what the other woman might or might not be like.

You're in an unhealthy dynamic, IMO you either both draw a line and choose to enjoy life together, or you go separate ways.

You need meds and therapy to start seeing things clearly and I believe you should go separate ways after that. This is the only way for you to recognise your own worth and regain your confidence.

FWIW I relate to a lot of what you said. I went through life-changing trauma (not relationship, but baby losses). I am not the same person I was before. But when something that shatters you to your core happens and especially if you aren't well supported at the time, it's unreasonable to expect that. For a long time nothing was bringing me joy. Nothing, I was dead behind the eyes. I felt worthless as a woman. I had no hope. Eventually I had my son, but this didn't heal me. I had to work on these things myself and at the same time my relationship also went to shit for a long, long time, in some ways similar to yours, but without physical cheating. This and a number of other family issues sent me to a very dark, difficult, negative place. I'm still not as good or happy as I'd like to be. I had to get over many hopes and visions I had before all this happened to me. I had to ground myself and understand it is what it is, I'm dealing with the situation I have, it's worse than I ever expected. But it's up to me to dwell on it and analyse it and agonise over it daily or get help and leave this to one side best I can, gradually learning to see the good in my new reality and clutch to it. I made a conscious decision to do what's best for me now. This doesn't mean I have to always stick to this choice. I prioritise myself now and I can leave when if and when the time is right for me. Any of us can. Sometimes it's harder or it takes longer, but ultimately, we are empowered and we don't have to stand by our decisions for life if they no longer serve us.

I think you know you're fragile and you're leaning on him to some extent. But once you get over your trauma in part at least, your perception of what's best for you will likely change.

Did he have a experience of the care system-=either through fostering or adoption? Xx

@PurplePansy05 that is a very insightful & helpful post

This is all so silly OP. Just dump the cheating dirt bag and move on. Tying yourself up in knots over some lout when you're in your 40s and he's not even the father of your child is beyond ridiculous. Find your self respect (it will be buried under him somewhere) and quit the nonsense. Honestly you've typed out reams of bullshit about how loved and cherished you are and how you have no doubt that this "changed" angel of a man is good for you, all the while you are utterly riddled with sadness and a non-existent self esteem to the extent you can't even have sex anymore even though you want to: he.is.not.good.for.you.

Enough is enough. You've wasted enough time. Honestly, I have huge sympathy for you but I also think you need a huge kick up the arse and if his behaviour hadn't isolated you from your support network them one of them would have given you a good boot by now to get you moving. Get rid for goodness sake.

There is a lot of wisdom here.

Do you see how he is keeping the status of each of you within the relationship imbalanced by being "the functional, well one" while you are "the broken, hurt, unwell one"?

There is no true openness here on his part, or honest accounting for himself. There is no vulnerability on his part, while your soul is laid bare to him. He caused the trauma, rubbed salt in the wound, and is now playing expert/ doctor/ guru and prescribing yoga for you.

Hoovering is where an abusive or cheating partner lures (with promises, flowers, performance of remorse, etc) or manipulates a partner back into a relationship with the purpose of keeping her where he wants her.

An abuser wants power, control, and having a live body there to play games with. It's easier for him to get the old live body back than put forth the effort to find a new one, find her weaknesses, her buttons, and break her down.