I forgave the unforgivable and now I'm not okay

[DooveyDay]

Some years ago in the early-ish stages of our relationship, my partner had an affair that lasted several months. I will not tell the whole story here as it would be too long to read and probably doesn't add much value, but it involved a high degree of betrayal and humiliation.

At the time, and for a long time afterwards, I think it was impossible for me to process mentally that it was all real. I believed myself to be particularly cherished by him (he always said he was lunching above his weight) and this wasn't behavior I predicted from his general character.

As I said, it was early-ish days of our relationship. We were not married, we were not living together, we had no children, we had no financial links. Had he wanted to be in a relationship with the other woman rather than me, it certainly would have been easy to do so. She said she was in love with him.

However, he was adamant that he loved me and not her, and that he'd never wanted a relationship with her. He said it was a terrible mistake that just happened after a series of bad choices. He said I was the love of his life and he begged me to give him a second chance because the thought of life without me in it was unbearable. So, I did.

Had the story ended there, I think I would have healed up from this and we'd have gone on to be happy, but the immediate aftermath in the first six months after discovery was horrific and I think far worse than the cheating itself.

Firstly, it was obvious that he grieved the loss of the affair and found it difficult to let go of it. He made excuses to break his NC agreement and betrayed me over and over again during the time period he was supposed to be helping me heal. There were also times I briefly felt he wanted her and not me, that he was happier with her than me, although he denied this adamantly.

I can see now that his behavior over that period of time caused very deep psychological damage to me. It changed me in way I couldn't see at the time because I was just trying to survive it and make it stop rather than analysing much. Each time I tried to leave he would cry and beg and I would go back on new promises that were broken every time.

Eventually, he turned things around.

He worked with her, so he left his job for my sake and has never had contact with her since. He says now that she is irrelevant to him but that for a brief time he was addicted in a sense to the free adoration she gave him in the false world of the affair. He said it was never love, but more a desire to be admired and approved of and made to feel good in some way.

He stopped drinking completely and took up a lot of couples hobbies with me. He voluntarily changed a lot of things to create security for me, emotionally and in the wider scheme of life. He has spent many years being the perfect partner really, and if not for the history I would feel cherished and very lucky.

As a result of all that happened, I have dealt with hideous depression. I have cut myself off socially. I gave up my once much-loved work. I lost all confidence in myself as a person in more or less every aspect of my life. I have deep issues with trusting others or being vulnerable. I lost my interest in sex almost completely. For me, it feels like my life story ended some time ago and I am just going through the motions.

Through this, he is a rock and pillar. He dotes on me and there isn't anything I could ask for that he does not give. It doesn't matter how bad I feel, he is always there. The life he has given me now is exactly the one I always dreamed of and wanted and yet I cannot shake the pain and sadness that makes me feel like a stranger in it.

Not a day goes by that I don't struggle to understand how he once treated me so cruelly. I don't understand why he did it, why he wanted to do it, or how he was capable of it. He is unable to really explain that to me. He only promises he regrets ever minute of it, he will never leave and he will never harm me again.

I fantasise sometimes about packing a bag and disappearing so nobody has to come near me again. I feel so sad that anybody, let alone him, did things which changed me like this. I also feel bad and guilty that I haven't just "moved on".

I really don't know what to do.

I just wanted to know really if this is something anyone else has ever felt? I feel very alone.

Whether you will admit it or not you are depressed and have PTSD. I am a retired American military officer and I know what that looks like. Yoga does not fix depression and PTSD. Hiding in the countryside doesn't fix it either. A good psychiatrist and a trauma counselor do. Please, please get help today. I've seen the result of not seeking help. Please don't do that to yourself. You can get well if you choose to.

You need professional help.
That you agreed to forgive was not as easy as you thought, and not something you can bare with out guidance..

You can leave but you have always known that.
You stay for a reason. Do you love your partner and want to stay? Or do you want to stay so to keep your partner true to his word and to be sure he will stay committed?
Do you enjoy living like a gatekeeper?

Find help to feel some real joy in your choice to stay, or leave.

I do have sympathy for what you have been through but:
He treated you terribly but you chose to stay. Sounds like since that ended he has stuck by you and done everything he can to support you.
I think you need to beware of blaming your current mental state entirely on him.

I think that if I had had an affair like this but we had decided to put it behind us and I spent years making sacrifices and being a good partner - and I was still being blamed for everything wrong in our lives then I’d be the one leaving.

I think you need to reassess your ‘victim hood’ mindset and take control of your life and empower yourself.

I think you need to seek therapy, you are depressed, and depression can be from known causes, it’s not just a chemical reaction but many people suffer with depression from a known cause. If you don’t the relationship may end anyway, and I don’t mean to be harsh as he caused this, but I’m sure if does feel to him like you’re constantly punishing him for his mistake. I know it’s not as easy as just forgiving but part of staying means you accept you will eventually move on even if you never can truly forgive. Sounds like some therapy for yourself will help you to see a way forward as right now it feels like you’re not allowing yourself to be happy, and you have a lot to be happy about

“Op I think you definitely need to speak to a dr aswell as a therapist.

you haven’t said how long ago the affair happened? I know you said early days of the relationship but when was that?

im not putting a time line on dealing with an affair, but I get the impression from your posts that it was years ago? If so, I don’t think you’ve moved on what so ever and this isn’t a healthy way to live. For anybody.

he sounds extremely apologetic and remorseful. I’m not excusing any affairs but unfortunately sometimes people make awful mistakes. But we can move past them if you truly want to, but that often means reaching out for help and I honestly think you need to.

you get one life. Please don’t spend it like this.”

This. The betrayal you describe was awful and traumatic but it does sound like you’ve turned it into an excuse to live a very limited life - to leave your job and cut off your friends. A great many people go through the trauma of betrayal and worse losses but they don’t use it as an excuse to stop living for years on end. It’s as if - at some level - you are trying to punish him by demonstrably diminishing your life. It’s natural to have retreated for a short while but your post suggests this is entrenched behaviour which has now gone on for many years. It’s so unhealthy to martyr yourself in this way. As the post above says: life is not a dress rehearsal; this is your one shot. Please don’t waste your precious life in this way. Get help. Get rid of him if need be. Get back out there. Live your life.

Unfortunately you and your partner are trauma bonded and this is not healthy for either of you. You both need to explore therapy, you are both reacting to the situation in extreme ways and you need to unpick it separately before unpicking it together.

I think you should leave. You are just re-traumatising yourself by staying with him. You may find that it will be possible for you to heal and move on when he’s not around.

I don’t believe this comment is helpful . Saying “ he doesn’t love you “ is an opinion , not fact.

Can I just ask how old you are ? I don’t really reply to these threads but this one resonated, especially when you said about memory problems - I became utterly fixated about something that happened in a similar situation, then memory issues, anxiety not wanting to leave the house, couldn’t focus on work despite working 12 hours a day, everything just took so long, I felt like I was wading through treacle - I was suffering massively with peri-menopause but didn’t even realise to what extent until I was put on HRT and now looking back I only now see how bad things were. It might not be the same for you, but hormonal changes in your 40s are just so massive and affect your ability to deal with things (for some people) - maybe worth investigating ? Sending much love x

I think you need some therapy - for you . Not as a couple , not marriage counselling , but to address the unresolved issues you have . It sounds like he has done what you need him to do - you are secure and happy now - but that pain and trauma has been buried by you and never addressed . You were hurt , massively ! You were betrayed and you went through a deep trauma . You need to address this , I hope you are able to . Big hugs 🥰

Sometimes in life we have to take a step back. In the kindest way possible, there is an almost inevitable outcome to this situation and that is if you don’t get a grip on this situation then the relationship is doomed. You will drive him away. You need to find a way to change how you think about things. Yes, no one is denying that what happened was extremely hurtful but you made your decision to stay and whilst you can leave any relationship at any time, it doesn’t sound like you want to end the relationship. You sound like you want to be able to put what happened behind you. That can only be done by reframing how you view it.

Someone once said no one can make you feel what you don’t want to feel. Not sure how true that is but one thing is sure only you can change your feelings. I say this as someone who has been through the deepest depression following the darkest times in life and including child suicide, subsequent and ongoing marital breakdown etc. Sometimes we just have to accept what we cannot change. You can’t change the past. You can only influence your future. Either leave or get over it. What happened happened and as hurtful as it was it’s not the end of the world. You are still together and it sounds like on the whole he is loving and very caring. You have to garner your own inner strength and stop allowing yourself to wallow in this misery. No one else can do it for you. Try therapy if you must, but do something.

Might there be other issues at play here causing you to feel so low? Don’t know your age but hormonal imbalances due to menopause can really affect your mood and way of thinking. Or maybe something else? Perhaps a chat with your dr would be a starting point for you.

You and him seem to be caught in a perpetual cycle. What he did permeates every area of your life together. Your whole existence is based on the affair: your attempt at recovery; his well-meaning suggestions. You will never heal whilst you’re with him. You will be reminded every waking moment.

I think therapy would benefit you, if only to help you not allow the actions of another person to affect you so comprehensively. No one is 100% trustworthy, and you should never let someone else’s treatment of you define who you are and what you’re worth. The people who love us the most in the world will still hurt us. That’s life. The only person who can give you pure strength is yourself. Therapy would help you accept that fact and make peace with it.

I know some of what you’re going through OP. My dh, and this was after a marriage of 20 years and two young children, left me for another woman whilst working temporarily abroad. I can’t describe how traumatic it was, and it was at that time that I started taking anti depressants, which I still take now. We did eventually get back together 4 years later, and we are now 8 years further down the line. I’m a different person now. I’m harder and I also feel like you, that what happened changed me totally as a person. He treats me like a queen now - pretty perfect, but I still inwardly rage at times that I went through something so traumatic, and that I feel I am still healing now. But I made the choice to take him back, and I kind of just think I would still have this rage inside me if I left and met someone else. I think you just have to be kind to yourself, and maybe seek some kind of therapy that might help you accept that you can’t change what happened, but that you can choose how to move forward.

You have so many things going on here and you need therapy - try EDMR and deal with the trauma aspect. And probably something social like women’s circle meditation. Just do it - get him or your mum to book it for you and just go.

also, admit to yourself you are depressed. You say you’re just experiencing a reaction to something real that happened to you - yes, depression caused by a traumatic life event.

no one depressed recognises they’re depressed until people point it out, and they accept, they are in fact depressed.

you don’t need to decide now but from the outside it’s pretty obvious that your behaviour will eventually push this man away - do you actually WANT him to stay? Or do you hope he’ll release you from this? Essentially you were abused by him but now he’s hugging you close telling you he loves you. It’s impossible for you to trust him now. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy though. He will eventually leave if you’re like this without trying to help yourself. Because NOW you are punishing him - you said you’d forgive but you haven’t so now you aren’t having a normal relationship with him. It’s one hideous circle.

you also are putting SO much on one person. Saying how could this person you trusted more than anyone etc etc - but you were only early in your relationship. You aren’t 14. You weren’t married 30 years? What he did was wrong, but you shouldn’t have invested that much in him so early. Why (ask yourself) did you do that? Was it a rebound from the ex Cheating? Did you think this man was the opposite or something? Does this go back to your childhood? Is this current dp actually abusive but wrapping it up in a neat bow so you don’t realise?

I think we might understand more if you explained what he actually did that made it so different to normal affairs? But regardless you have lots more issues to unpick and are depressed. You don’t have to try to fix it, you just have to turn up to your therapy sessions. To be honest I’d also probably break up with him or at the very least go on a break. Get some space. You will be fine just take baby steps - for the sake of your child. They need their mum, no matter how old they are

Sorry, OP. He betrayed you and caused you such sadness that you cut yourself off from the world.

I really feel you need to speak to a counsellor or psychotherapist to try to process this and figure out what you want now. Your DH can’t help you with this because he caused your pain over and over again. And you simply cannot trust someone who is willing to betray and humiliate you like that.

I suspect that you cutting yourself off from everyone has suited him very well as he gets all your attention and knows you’re not sharing what he did to you with other people who care about just YOU. It’s easier to value yourself and not accept mistreatment if you know others value you.

If you can spend time with other people and be yourself in different situations, it’s easier to see how you might have a different life and to think about if that’s what you want. Do you think you can get reconnected with people you’ve lost touch with - or could you fancy getting a job or volunteering or doing a hobby that gets you out and doing things for you?

It sounds like you’re in no-man’s land full of conflict and depression.

I think you need to decide one way or the other if you want to stay or go.

Make the decision and whichever you decide, you must try to consciously put the past behind you, and do whatever it takes to embrace the future.

Stop this frame of mind taking over and becoming you and your favourite subject.

Little steps everyday.

I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way. This is an account I used to post about an aspect of a similar time that I went through. My partner did something awful to me during my first pregnancy that it has taken me almost 3 years to get over. I relate to your feelings of wanting to be alone, to cut everyone off, to not want to do anything, not to be seen, the shame etc. I tried everything to make myself feel better but it is sometimes impossible when your mind can’t get over the event. Honestly, the only thing that helped me in the end was Sertraline (anti-depressant). I avoided for a long time as I thought medication couldn’t help me as I wasn’t ‘depressed’, but living through a pointless life that this man had forced upon me. After a few weeks I felt much better. Since increasing the dose, I truly feel cured. I can see my situation clearly. I am still with him, still dealing with the trauma but I can rationalise, I have motivation, I don’t fear social interaction, I don’t hate myself and I am detached from him and his actions. Of course medication might not be right for you but please get some help. See a psychiatrist if you have access to private medical care. If not, your GP.

I truly resonate with your feelings, especially that life stopped and you’re now just going through the motions. I felt exactly the same and thought I would never feel better. But you can! Once you feel mentally better you will be able to analyse your situation better and whether the relationship is serving you

In the kindest possible way, you need to speak to somebody. Everything you say sounds like he loves you and he is truly sorry for hurting you. He has spent years supporting you and trying to help you heal. But the two of you doing this alone isn’t enough for you.

A trained therapist will help you make sense of what happened and understand your feelings. I can only explain it as having a knotted ball of wool (your thoughts and feelings), untangling it and rolling it up again neatly. I honestly feel this is the only way you will be able to get some distance from what happened.

In this case though, what made it hard to make sense of is that it doesn't add up. If you do truly love one person then to cheat on them, lie to them, humiliate them, and essentially do these awful things to them doesn't make sense

You did say though that this happened early on in your relationship. And I don't believe that anyone could ever be truly and deeply in love in the early days. Like, lust, and infatuation- yes. But genuine and selfless love I believe has to build over time, long term. This rationale of "how could he do this if he loved me" in the early days of a new relationship doesn't seem to fit.

Please get counseling and see a doctor. Even if you don't think it will help. You have people that love you and would want to see you well. You have a son. Even if you can't find the energy to try for yourself, maybe you can try for him?

It was never your fault it was his. Cheaters cheat due to their own issues and poor character traits. Nothing you can do can MAKE someone cheat. It’s his shame not yours. I respect you for doing what you think is the best thing in a shit situation. You were between a rock and a hard place.

I don’t cheat FOR ME. It is a daily choice I make. It is nothing to do with my husband. My husband is very annoying some days. I know I am capable of cheating but I choose not to. My word, integrity and self esteem are very important to me. So I stand by my word. I am faithful for me. My husband is my collateral damage. I have to live with me forever - so I do right by me.

You sound like you have PTSD it is common after betrayal trauma. EMDR therapy is worth trying. Commit to it and force yourself to go.

Also download the book ‘Love yourself like your life depends on it’ by Kamil Ravikant. Read it and do every task over and over again. You need to change your thought processes. The tasks are very easy you just need to do them.

Walk every day in the early morning light.
Read how to help my spouse heal from my affair.
Read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

You need to heal you. He can’t heal you (he can damage you further - but it doesn’t sound like he is doing that). It’s like if you got knocked off your bike and broke your arm. You would HAVE to attend hospital appointments and do the physio and the exercise and change the dressings. It’s not your fault you got knocked off, it’s shit that it happened to you but you need to do the work to fix your arm. Then you would have to practice writing again. This may take time and it’s not your fault but you have to help fix yourself.

As to the why. It’s nothing to do with you or what you do or don’t have. It’s down to his poor characteristics that he allowed himself to cheat. It’s often people pleasing, low self esteem, lack of self control, addiction issues, poor boundaries, seeking external validation, poor at coping and self soothing, resentment etc.

But you can’t make someone cheat. Nothing my husband does can make me cheat. People cheat because they want to. They have a but in their fidelity. I am faithful but not if my spouse won’t find out. I am faithful but it’s not cheating if I pay her. I am faithful but an ex doesn’t count.

Unmet needs is nonsense too - your need for reliability and honesty hasn’t been met. Shagging your postman (always in time and never steals your birthday money and cards) isn’t going to fix your unmet needs. It’s Nonsense, just an excuse. It sounds like your partner isn’t making up excuses. What work has he done on himself? Why did he think it was a good choice for him?

I do believe people can change. They are rare, it’s very unusual as the character traits cheaters possess are not ones that are required to reconciliation. You cannot paper over cracks you have to tear it down and start from scratch.

Go post on the surviving infidelity website.Lots of experienced posters over there who will give you advice. But it isn’t and wasn’t ever your fault. You are the prize here. And the grace you show in your post especially around seeing the good in your partner and what you want for him makes you sound like you would be a good friend for others. People are missing out on that. They really are.

Watch Brene Brown on Youtube to help with the Shame.

The ONLY good think that will come out of this is you loving yourself more. Understanding yourself better. Understanding people better. Using your compassion going forward. So fix that broken arm op. Read. Do EMDR. Book that first appointment today. Journal and journal. Write and rewrite the trauma then burn the paper. Write it down every day - commit to this for the next 6 months.

If you want more book suggestions I do have a few more.

All the best op. I feel the pain in your writing. Go fix that broken arm. Tell us how you get on. Keep writing.

If this man loved you, if he really loved you, he'd have set you up with a psychiatrist and let you go long ago.

He'd realise the huge trauma he inflicted on you and the relationship, understand that he did too much damage and realise the best thing to do would be to leave you to heal. But he doesn't want that, no, he wants to fix you with yoga instead. He wants to buy you presents and tell you you're the bestest ever. He tells you that working long hours and going to the country house means he doesn't get to see you (poor thing) and isn't good for dealing with the PTSD he inflicted on you.

He a twat OP. He has no concept of real love. You're a prize he wants to win back, who knows perhaps your reluctance is what's keeping him so keen. He is happily keeping you in your misery.

You can get over this, please don't believe you can't. I know that because I inadvertently spent 25 years married to a covert narcissist who spent the whole time pretending to love me while trying to sleep with anything that moved - female or male. I cried for 3 years straight when I found out. Then I realised I was wasting my time and that while I would never be the same again, never trust a man again, I was still me and that had a lot of worth. The was still a lot of world to explore and a lot of new things I could do now I wasn't tied to him. Set yourself free OP.

@DooveyDay This man stole your soul. Quite simply. Now your left empty, hollow, and your tormentor has become your saviour. Almost as if he enjoyed breaking you, just then be able to 'take care' of you.

Youve only lost 4 years to this awful relationship. Move on now and find the will to live again. I promise you will. As soon as youre out of this sick, sick dynamic.

One additional question. You say you were betrayed twice before. You moved on quickly from those betrayals.

Previous trauma can rear its ugly head when it happens again. Do you have any abandonment or trauma from childhood? Again this can resurface and stop you healing.

I suggest Van Der Kolks ‘The body keeps the score’.

Also ‘Own your past change your future’. By Deloney.

You are clearly very depressed. This will sound harsh, but it's coming from someone who's been there: no one can help you but you. Not your partner, not strangers on mumsnet. Get to the GP and get yourself some counselling and anti-depressants.