I forgave the unforgivable and now I'm not okay

[DooveyDay]

Some years ago in the early-ish stages of our relationship, my partner had an affair that lasted several months. I will not tell the whole story here as it would be too long to read and probably doesn't add much value, but it involved a high degree of betrayal and humiliation.

At the time, and for a long time afterwards, I think it was impossible for me to process mentally that it was all real. I believed myself to be particularly cherished by him (he always said he was lunching above his weight) and this wasn't behavior I predicted from his general character.

As I said, it was early-ish days of our relationship. We were not married, we were not living together, we had no children, we had no financial links. Had he wanted to be in a relationship with the other woman rather than me, it certainly would have been easy to do so. She said she was in love with him.

However, he was adamant that he loved me and not her, and that he'd never wanted a relationship with her. He said it was a terrible mistake that just happened after a series of bad choices. He said I was the love of his life and he begged me to give him a second chance because the thought of life without me in it was unbearable. So, I did.

Had the story ended there, I think I would have healed up from this and we'd have gone on to be happy, but the immediate aftermath in the first six months after discovery was horrific and I think far worse than the cheating itself.

Firstly, it was obvious that he grieved the loss of the affair and found it difficult to let go of it. He made excuses to break his NC agreement and betrayed me over and over again during the time period he was supposed to be helping me heal. There were also times I briefly felt he wanted her and not me, that he was happier with her than me, although he denied this adamantly.

I can see now that his behavior over that period of time caused very deep psychological damage to me. It changed me in way I couldn't see at the time because I was just trying to survive it and make it stop rather than analysing much. Each time I tried to leave he would cry and beg and I would go back on new promises that were broken every time.

Eventually, he turned things around.

He worked with her, so he left his job for my sake and has never had contact with her since. He says now that she is irrelevant to him but that for a brief time he was addicted in a sense to the free adoration she gave him in the false world of the affair. He said it was never love, but more a desire to be admired and approved of and made to feel good in some way.

He stopped drinking completely and took up a lot of couples hobbies with me. He voluntarily changed a lot of things to create security for me, emotionally and in the wider scheme of life. He has spent many years being the perfect partner really, and if not for the history I would feel cherished and very lucky.

As a result of all that happened, I have dealt with hideous depression. I have cut myself off socially. I gave up my once much-loved work. I lost all confidence in myself as a person in more or less every aspect of my life. I have deep issues with trusting others or being vulnerable. I lost my interest in sex almost completely. For me, it feels like my life story ended some time ago and I am just going through the motions.

Through this, he is a rock and pillar. He dotes on me and there isn't anything I could ask for that he does not give. It doesn't matter how bad I feel, he is always there. The life he has given me now is exactly the one I always dreamed of and wanted and yet I cannot shake the pain and sadness that makes me feel like a stranger in it.

Not a day goes by that I don't struggle to understand how he once treated me so cruelly. I don't understand why he did it, why he wanted to do it, or how he was capable of it. He is unable to really explain that to me. He only promises he regrets ever minute of it, he will never leave and he will never harm me again.

I fantasise sometimes about packing a bag and disappearing so nobody has to come near me again. I feel so sad that anybody, let alone him, did things which changed me like this. I also feel bad and guilty that I haven't just "moved on".

I really don't know what to do.

I just wanted to know really if this is something anyone else has ever felt? I feel very alone.

The work group did a lot of partying / drinking and while I believed we were in a committed / loving relationship, he obviously hadn't felt the same at the time. I feel a lot of humiliation over that now. Besotted with me? Yes. Committed to me? No

It sounds like there could be attachment issues op. I’m wondering what his relationship history is and why he transferred away.

You’re describing a man who kept you at arms length, didn’t tell you anything about his past and deceived you into thinking you were in a committed relationship when you weren’t. Your value increased when you were gone and decreased when you were available. He was and is only committed to you when you are not committed to him. Do you realise how fucked up he must be to do that?
You are now depressed, isolated and not surprising there is no emotional or physical intimacy, but despite that he now really loves you and is totally committed to you. Many posters have expressed surprise that he has stuck around as his needs for intimacy and commitment are seemingly not being met and this would be absolutely intolerable for most people.

I propose you consider that his needs are being met. Avoidant people have an anti intimacy toolkit and they employ a range of strategies to ensure that intimacy does not happen. Affairs, lying and secrets are the most common strategies used to achieve the emotional distance they crave. A depressed wary partner who doesn’t want commitment is the ideal for this type.
People often don’t feel safe with an avoidant partner. The contradictory behaviour and lies sets off their own attachment system alarm and if it carries on too long it leads to generalised feelings of fear as your body knows you are not safe. I wonder if a part of you knows this deep down.

What would happen if you healed and expected a full relationship with him, where there’s real intimacy and only one house? Do you think he would remain just as committed as he is now? Because it’s really easy to be committed to someone who’s not committed to you.

There's a lot of sense in this post. I'm so sorry you're going through what you are OP

It was pointed out that part of the pain is the betrayal of yourself, and you recognised that. But do you see it's still happening?...you're depressed, isolated and in pain and instead of taking these feelings as a very obvious signal, you're wishing it was otherwise. You're feeling bad that you feel this way. You're feeling sorry for him that you can't be happy. Your feelings are sticking your nose in the dirt and saying 'Look!'. It's possible for someone to be caring and loving, and for you to love them in return, and for it still not to be right. Its been 4 years, long enough to know if it's recoverable.

If leaving entirely is beyond the pale for you right now, and if he's willing to wait however long....why not separate for a few months. Get counselling. See how you feel outside of the relationship?

Forgiveness is part of the way forward. Forgiving YOURSELF. That is what you need to start work in. You don’t have to forgive him. You can reconcile without forgiving him and you can forgive without reconciling.

Trickle truth is the killer. Cheating is one thing, the dripping of lies for months is toxic.

This sounds like it was about filling a void inside him. Lack of self worth. Requiring external validation. Cheaters betray themselves first. To lie and sneak around was never a good look (even for 15 years olds snogging someone else’s boyfriend behind the bike shed). Trying to escape and make yourself feel better doesn’t work. It also sounds like he has done a serious amount of work on himself.

So don’t forgive him (it is fine if you haven’t) but forgive yourself. You did the best for you at a time where your partner was stabbing you in the back while smiling sweetly to your face. He then removed the knife and fed you poison (trickle truth). Your reaction is normal.

Also you were cheated on before yet you still trusted him. That shows your character.

work on you. Live by your values. Write them down and live by them each day. Make sure your counsellor understands trauma and doesn’t believe in unmet needs as an excuse. You should look at Emdr too.

I found out my then husband had been unfaithful in the early-ish (about a year) days from an aggrieved member of his family about a year after we got married. We are now divorced. It was the start of the end. Not so much because it happened but because he continued to deny it. We were long distanced and although, supposedly, very in love, I felt I could get past it as it was before I’d moved to be with him. The details and dates (it was more than one occasion and with someone he was casually seeing before he met me) provided were unarguable but yet he did and despite me clearly stating that if he admitted it we’d deal with it and move on, he continued to deny it and I, knowing he was lying, could no longer trust in anything. It went downhill from there and we split up.

He has owned this betrayal and some. I’m not saying that as he’s admitted it you should move on but I wonder where we would have been if my ex had. Maybe we would have split anyway as every time I thought about it I’d imagined them together. Or maybe I would have accepted that people do stupid hurtful things with a complete lack of insight into the potential consequences of the fallout of this but the life and love we built following this awful act is worth moving on from.
But you need a huge amount of support to try to help with this and the first step is seeing your GP and finding a very good Counsellor. You state you sought counselling at the time but wrong time and probably wrong counsellor, it’s very individual and one type doesn’t fit all, you need to find “a fit”.
My friends were my rock. I get the impression you no longer have these? I feel this is a very important area and if you don’t have this kind of support it’s going to be a lot harder still. Is there anyone you trust?
And self love. You need to try it you need to find it. But it can come if you allow it to.
I know you say you don’t want to open your heart for fear of being hurt again but you’re still hurting anyway so how can it get any worse than the darkness you’re experiencing day in day out?
Start with the GP and go from there 💐

I really feel for you @DooveyDay, definitely seek help from your GP who hopefully will refer you to a psychotherapist is need be.

You both deserve to be happy either together or if need be apart.

Oh OP, your posts hurt my heart. It's clear how very sad you are. I hope this doesn't seem condescending but if you have the means to do so then please see a psychiatrist specializing in trauma. I suspect - from my own personal experience - that you have a hormonal imbalance that is seriously inhibiting you from working forward. I was like you, just so desperately sad and existing rather than living. I'm now on a low dose fluoxetine (as well as ADHD meds but that's another matter) and the difference in my head, my thoughts as well as my outward attitude is astounding. I've been existing purely in a sad state for years due to a serotonin (and dopamine) deficit.

Please see your GP, please see a psychiatrist for an assessment. Medication won't fix everything but it will hopefully help you to get on an even keel to begin to navigate forward.

Unfortunately, I think @MrsDoubtfire24 nailed it.

This is a man who is happy to stay in a relationship without intimacy, he is lovely and kind to you but there is no real commitment, you have separate homes, despite living together, and you have 'a door open to go if you wished to go'. I think you took this acceptance to be an expression of love, but I wonder if this is what provides him with the necessary distance to remain and function in this relationship.

Just as @MrsDoubtfire24 , I too wonder if the affair was a strategy to push you away initially, when your relationship seemed to be going well. This is a strategy frequently used by emotionally unavailable partners to create distance in relationships. The lack of clarity in terms of commitment 9 months into the relationship (you thought you were in a committed relationship, he did not...) indicates the same thing. Avoidant partners are well-known for sending mixed messages and being unwilling to label a relationship despite behaving like they are committed to you. The duplicity you talked about (being 'cruel' and unkind in the past, while now loving and accommodating) is another strategy avoidants use to devalue their partners when these are getting too close. You also mention that his affair had toxic traits and this does not happen in a vacuum. Your willingness to forgive him suggests that you may be the anxious partner, now caught in an avoidant-anxious dynamic.

The problem with avoidant men is that, as soon as you become available, they disappear or attempt to create distance again, as they cannot tolerate closeness and intimacy. I do not know what the solution is (other than leaving him), but I wish you well and I hope you get better.

I have little doubt this man is good for me. All of this mess made him grow, heal, change and become possibly who he might have been had he not had a terrible childhood. We went away for Easter and I got a text from my Mum that said "you two are so lovely together". And we are. I am so sad that whatever is going on inside me is causing this block.

This reply is just bizarre. You are desperately trying to convince yourself (and us) that this relationship is good for you whilst also telling all the ways the relationship has damaged you.

And the affair and aftermath may well have “made him grow, heal”. Fabulous. It has done the opposite for you.

The aftermath of it all sounds quite madly intense; you both cried constantly for months, you screamed and screamed at him, you are still very minimally functional, he seems to have turned into something of a care for you?

Honestly, it all sounds just too hard for...what reward? You're very very unhappy. Could it actually be worse to try to recover away from all this overwrought bullshit?

I have little doubt this man is good for me. All of this mess made him grow, heal, change and become possibly who he might have been had he not had a terrible childhood. We went away for Easter and I got a text from my Mum that said "you two are so lovely together". And we are. I am so sad that whatever is going on inside me is causing this block.

This reply is just bizarre. You are desperately trying to convince yourself (and us) that this relationship is good for you whilst also telling all the ways the relationship has damaged you.

I agree. Good relationships don’t make you feel this way. It’s really sad to see you blame yourself for this block which is a result of him and his girlfriend abusing you and triangulating you. It says a lot about his character that he was attracted to and involved with this abusive woman at all.

Op does your mum know that he cheated on you and continued a relationship with a woman who was abusing you? Surely she knows you have isolated yourself and are very unhappy. Strangers on the internet can see the effect he has had on you, but your mum thinks you’re lovely together?

It’s interesting he says he was punching above his weight yet cheated on you. Because it sounds like you think you’re punching above your weight with the comments about letting him go to be happy with someone else. He really has done quite a number on you if you think he’s any sort of prize.

Who do you really think would want him, with a history like that? He must have been a laughing stock amongst his colleagues with his teenage drama in the workplace.

Yes I felt like that and buried the feelings.I ended up basically depressed. He went through periods of messaging other women as "I wasn't showing him love or affection". He then had another affair and once I recovered from the initial shock and started working on me I made the decision to end the relationship. I have never felt so free. You don't have to stay with him because it happened years ago. You may have thought you were OK with it but your clearly not and its OK to walk away.

IME feeling sad about a relationship issue is worse than feeling angry. Anger can be exorcised. I'm not sure deep sadness can be. It's the betrayal, the disappointment, the feeling of being let down and of vulnerability. One needs to hear oneself before the perpetrator can hear you. Once you have heard yourself, I've found, you know exactly what to do.

How lovely for him. So he’s healing and growing and getting lovelier and more complete

while you get sadder and more depressed and more crushed and more despairing and your misery multiplies

@DooveyDay Let him be however wonderful he’s supposed to be but fight for your own happiness. Get angry, and leave him.

And the reason that couple counselling is not advised in abusive relationship as the process can reveal vulnerabilities that the abuser then uses to their advantage.