I forgave the unforgivable and now I'm not okay

[DooveyDay]

Some years ago in the early-ish stages of our relationship, my partner had an affair that lasted several months. I will not tell the whole story here as it would be too long to read and probably doesn't add much value, but it involved a high degree of betrayal and humiliation.

At the time, and for a long time afterwards, I think it was impossible for me to process mentally that it was all real. I believed myself to be particularly cherished by him (he always said he was lunching above his weight) and this wasn't behavior I predicted from his general character.

As I said, it was early-ish days of our relationship. We were not married, we were not living together, we had no children, we had no financial links. Had he wanted to be in a relationship with the other woman rather than me, it certainly would have been easy to do so. She said she was in love with him.

However, he was adamant that he loved me and not her, and that he'd never wanted a relationship with her. He said it was a terrible mistake that just happened after a series of bad choices. He said I was the love of his life and he begged me to give him a second chance because the thought of life without me in it was unbearable. So, I did.

Had the story ended there, I think I would have healed up from this and we'd have gone on to be happy, but the immediate aftermath in the first six months after discovery was horrific and I think far worse than the cheating itself.

Firstly, it was obvious that he grieved the loss of the affair and found it difficult to let go of it. He made excuses to break his NC agreement and betrayed me over and over again during the time period he was supposed to be helping me heal. There were also times I briefly felt he wanted her and not me, that he was happier with her than me, although he denied this adamantly.

I can see now that his behavior over that period of time caused very deep psychological damage to me. It changed me in way I couldn't see at the time because I was just trying to survive it and make it stop rather than analysing much. Each time I tried to leave he would cry and beg and I would go back on new promises that were broken every time.

Eventually, he turned things around.

He worked with her, so he left his job for my sake and has never had contact with her since. He says now that she is irrelevant to him but that for a brief time he was addicted in a sense to the free adoration she gave him in the false world of the affair. He said it was never love, but more a desire to be admired and approved of and made to feel good in some way.

He stopped drinking completely and took up a lot of couples hobbies with me. He voluntarily changed a lot of things to create security for me, emotionally and in the wider scheme of life. He has spent many years being the perfect partner really, and if not for the history I would feel cherished and very lucky.

As a result of all that happened, I have dealt with hideous depression. I have cut myself off socially. I gave up my once much-loved work. I lost all confidence in myself as a person in more or less every aspect of my life. I have deep issues with trusting others or being vulnerable. I lost my interest in sex almost completely. For me, it feels like my life story ended some time ago and I am just going through the motions.

Through this, he is a rock and pillar. He dotes on me and there isn't anything I could ask for that he does not give. It doesn't matter how bad I feel, he is always there. The life he has given me now is exactly the one I always dreamed of and wanted and yet I cannot shake the pain and sadness that makes me feel like a stranger in it.

Not a day goes by that I don't struggle to understand how he once treated me so cruelly. I don't understand why he did it, why he wanted to do it, or how he was capable of it. He is unable to really explain that to me. He only promises he regrets ever minute of it, he will never leave and he will never harm me again.

I fantasise sometimes about packing a bag and disappearing so nobody has to come near me again. I feel so sad that anybody, let alone him, did things which changed me like this. I also feel bad and guilty that I haven't just "moved on".

I really don't know what to do.

I just wanted to know really if this is something anyone else has ever felt? I feel very alone.

This is very moving to read and I wish you well for the future OP.

I believe that no two relationships are alone and that some of us can draw people to ourselves who can confirm/trigger our darker issues. It could be that he has triggered your own past and that this has had a double or compounding impact on you.

All I would say is - you describe a man who is being loving now; in many ways that's all anyone can look for in anyone. It may be hard to really work out what has been triggered by these past events and what might be be in your past to create this vulnerability.

I always suggest that people should listen to Esther Perel's interviews with couples. What strikes me is that at times the most seemingly 'injured' party can be genuinely unclear about their own issues and can sometimes hold their partner to be entirely the cause. Not that this is always the case - but relationships seem to me to be rarely as simple as any one party presents it.
My father leaving when I was five left me completely unable to trust. It has taken maybe 20ish years to build a trusting heart in me.
Before you act I would wish you some good therapy and couples therapy. All marriages have flaws and a flawed marriage can still have huge potential as you have invested time in it. Better to recover with a loving partner than alone maybe?
A marriage is always to some extent an act of faith. It's doomed without that leap of faith by at least one side.
All the best for your struggle, it sounds enormously painful.

What you describe sounds like depression to me. Your response here just says depression to me too.

You're not enjoying your life, everything has lost its flavour, but you know, what he did was an episode in your story - it shouldn't spoil the rest of your life.

You should be enjoying what you have, your adult son, having friendships and maybe looking forward to grandchildren or whatever, not shrinking away into a mostly solitary existence where you're dependent on the guy who betrayed your trust and waiting for death or whatever.

We have a short time on earth. Don't give up on things getting better.

Go talk to your doctor, get therapy, get medication if advised.

Problem is OP, the way you're emotionally living, not seeking help is a form of self harm and punishment for your bloke.

The only options you have are to end things with him and heal or get some help to move forward. Or you'll be stuck in limbo while the years pass you by.

I think if you're the type of person that can't get over this type of betrayal (I am one of those people and it is COMPLETELY acceptable not to 'get over it') then staying with him is only going to cause you to feel this way going forward.

You don't have to get over this OP. It's a horrible, horrible betrayal. If you can forgive and forget, that's fine. Lots of people do. But lots of people can't. If you can't then I think staying with him will only compound the hurt. You're reminded of it every day.

I'm so sorry, I really hope things start to look brighter for you x

OP, in my experience, the answer lies in the fact that he feels that he is "punching above his weight" with you.
That is him admitting to you he is not good enough for you.
He feels inadequate. That's not your fault - you can be absolutely perfect, dote on him, love him, support him. But deep down he feels he isn't good enough and only he can mend that.

Your current state of mind might not be your fault, but it is your responsibility to seek support with. You sound significantly depressed OP. While he did make choices that hurt you, you are in a relationship, and you also have made and continue to make choices that impact you, and him, while you remain together.

You can't hold him over a barrel forever, and you'll waste your own life in the process. Seek professional help.

@3pancakesplz This happened four years ago now.

It is clear to me that he deeply regrets it and is deeply remorseful. To him, it's a horrible bit of the past that is long over now and all he is interested in is our "now" and our future. He has done all he can do, and he continues to be all I should need. I find him immensely attractive still (it's me I find gross). He makes me laugh every day. He makes it all feel better when it feels awful.

I was away in the country last week and mentioned I was feeling blue. I woke up the next day to a package on the doorstep with a present and a little note saying "I love you, today will be better". And that's what he's like all the time. He is kind, gentle, loving, patient, and wants to help me get better. I feel guilty for being stuck where I am. He tells me I am traumatised and it's not my fault.

In a way, my brain might find it easier if he was a bad person or didn't love me. My brain can't put together him being a good person who loves me, with the cruelty he once treated me with. It makes life and people feel very dangerous. And swapping him for someone else would make no difference. If someone as lovely as him could do this, then the truth is that anybody can.

There was nothing I could do to protect myself from this. That's a scary realisation, that I suppose others have come to terms with.

It seems highly likely you have depression. Treat the depression - see a doctor. Then from there you can decide what to do.

Leave. There's no statute of limitations in reacting appropriately to things that hurt you.

@DooveyDay I totally identify with what you're experiencing. There is always some well-meaning but really bad words of advice when this happens. What I have found important:
What he did isn't about you, it is about him. You ask how could he do this to you? It's because there is, or was, some problem in his psyche. It might be something like him hitting a certain age and feeling like he wasn't useful. He found something which made him feel better, he's good at compartmentalising, YOU didn't enter his head. It was all about him until he got the wake-up call, then he remembered YOU.

He will be feeling ashamed.

He might be the glass half empty kind, so, easy to ignore what you have in your glass when there's the offer of more wine on the way.

You don't have to leave him. It sounds like he's doing exactly what you want. People who say oh he doesn't love you otherwise he wouldn't have cheated are, I am sorry to say this, ignorant, in the sense that they don't fully understand the complexity that can be involved in betrayal.

He does love you. If he didn't, he wouldn't be putting in all this effort.

You are now changed. That can seem horrific and insurmountable. You will mourn your previous self. The following things helped me but have not 'cured' me:

I became unexpectedly busy with work, not through choice, but necessity. I had to get on with it. When I was working, I wasn't thinking about the situation. It was a gift that I was so busy, I was exhausted with work, and that helped to insulate my mental health.

I would occasionally get respite from focussing on the positives in life, but that is hard to maintain, but at least you get a little respite.

I'm sorry to say but I've had to compartmentalise that part of my life. I think that has resulted in some memory problems but I think that's the only way people like us can protect ourselves from mental breakdown.

You are not alone. It is the most brutal and strangest phenomenon I have ever encountered. It is betrayal PTSD.

Hi OP, I've had depression a couple of times, both times healed with CBT/counselling.

I remember describing to one counsellor that life was like walking a tightrope over a black pit of death and despair and that even if today is ok, even if today I manage to stay on the tightrope, at some point terrible things will happen and the pit of darkness will swallow me...

I also batted away every suggestion that I received for things that might help with "no, that won't work/ there's no point/ I don't need that".

Now that I'm healed, I can perceive that all the suggestions were valid and would have helped. One of the core symptoms of depression is that it causes this negative lens where no improvement seems possible. You feel that there's no way out.

There was a way out for me. I don't feel that I'm on a tightrope over a dark pit anymore. I think life is amazing and I feel lucky every day for my "one wild and precious life".

You have depression, which is an illness. You can recover from it and heal, just as you would heal and recover if you broke your arm. Your brain and your arm are both just parts of your body and there's no shame in being ill with depression, any more than if you were ill with a broken arm.

Go to the doctor, ASAP, and get a lovely therapist who you like talking to, and start taking steps to feel heal and better again.

Your life is precious and I wish you all the best.

You have depression and you need to seek help for this.
Cutting yourself off from everyone and everything is not a normal response to this kind of trauma. Seeking solace in friends and family would be fairly normal if someone has been cheated on and lied to. Cutting yourself off is only harming yourself.
I think you need to speak to a doctor, get help. Feel better for yourself. Then decide where you go with your relationship. Be that separating or staying together

Moving on doesn’t have to be without him though. You absolutely can move on from this trauma together happier than ever.

in all honesty, aside from the affair, he sounds like a very loving supportive person. I understand you don’t want to be without him, and I fully understand wanting to still be with him, but in all honesty unless you look into getting help with how you feel then you run the risk of one day losing him completely.

i know at times it might feel like you want to punish him for what happened but that can’t go on. Really, the only person who you’re punishing is yourself. You’re already missing out on so much in life.

whilst the actual affair and treatment of you was his fault, it is your responsibility to help yourself deal with what happened. You need help OP, not just for the sake of your relationship but for your life, for your happiness. This is no way to live.

fwiw 4 years isn’t actually that long so it’s completely normal to still have periods of anger and every other emotion people feel when it comes to affairs. What isn’t normal is for it to be controlling your life the way it does.

Op I am so sorry you are in such a dark place. But I agree with @canyouletthedogoutplease

Theres nothing more he can keep doing. You don’t want to leave him, staying together after cheating is a valid choice. But by not seeking help for yourself you are choosing to waste your life.

You need to seek out why you don’t want to get better. It could be many reasons. You could fear that if you got better, he may not dote on you as much, you may fear his attention is only out of guilt, you may like that he has to face what he did everyday and it won’t be so obvious if you get well, you might be trying to push him away, or you believe he doesn’t really love you and if he decides enough is enough and leave you can be proved right. There could be loads of reasons for it.

The fact is that he fucked up. It causes huge amounts of damage. But he can’t go back and undo that. He can only do what he is doing. You can’t change that. But what you can change is what happens from today. And if you continue down this road it is a choice. What he did was betray you. He did that too you. And it can make you feel powerless. But every decision that has been made since, has been a choice you make. You do have the power in your own life. It’s just hard to see sometimes. You have the power to call the Gp or seek out therapy. Life isn’t happening to you. You are an active participant.

My ex loved me but he cheated. He didn't want us to split up, he really tried to keep us together.

Thing is, love is often mis-sold, held up as the most important thing - but some people's love isn't actually worth that much, or their values don't match up with your own.

The cognitive dissonance is a killer. It's trying to believe conflicting things at the same time.

You need to get support with your mental health. If not for yourself, for your partner and for your son.

You are understandably traumatised from a huge betrayal from someone who is supposed to love you the most, no matter how long ago or how he well has treated you since. He could be the best partner in the world, and it doesn't matter - your brain can't make sense of it, betrayal causes huge psychological damage.

Consciously or subconsciously your brain is most likely attaching betrayal to love - "will everyone who loves me hurt me?" It is incredibly damaging and unfortunately you can't heal in the same environment that hurt you.

Please see your GP, get medication if needed, individual counselling (not couples) and get yourself in the right headspace first and foremost. Then when you are feeling like you can function as normal, think clearly, and start to realign yourself with your personal value system, you will hopefully be able to think logically about whether this relationship is hurting you more than it's benefitting you.

It sounds like this is a betrayal that you would never even consider inflicting upon somebody else, so you are living in conflict with your values and beliefs, this is enough to destroy the strongest person.

So sorry you're going through this and I hope you can put yourself and your healing first.

This is so very true.

I felt like you describe, self isolation, never wanting to go anywhere, no motivation, even crying jags.

I was menopausal and had depression, but I also had a difficult marriage and it caused me to dwell and overthink about things that my husband had done in the past.

It’s gets all mixed up. I agree with other posters, you should see your GP and a therapist.

If it’s not depression, (but it really does sound like it to me), then it won’t do any harm to see your GP and get your bloods done at least. Maybe there’s some kind of mood App online you could use. Read online articles.

Same deal with the therapist, and to be honest the chance to talk to a wise non judgmental expert for an hour is wonderfully cathartic.

Even if you think there’s no point, and nothing will make a difference, please believe all us Mumsnetters when we say seek help. Otherwise why did you post?

Best of luck, you are in a hard place and where its difficult to know how to get out.

I have felt a weight of some sort lift, for talking to people about this (which I never do. A few things.

1. I have found solace in being busy at work - albeit work I do not enjoy as much as my old work, but I work very long hours. My partner says this is a coping mechanism, and while not the worst, he thinks I must find a way to heal beyond making myself too tired to think.

2. Yes, I do have awful memory problems. I sometimes can't remember what I did yesterday. I know I went on a day trip but have no recollection. Time works differently for me now. The traumatic events feel like they occurred yesterday, my life story doesn't move forwards.

3. I have no desire of any kind to punish him. He has paid a huge cost already for all this, and punishing him would actually just make me sad. I want him to be happy, he deserves to be.

@Itsonlymashadow
The best way I can explain why I think I don't want to get better, aside from my brain not really remembering how happiness felt, is that I feel on a very deep level that if I do, and I go back to that person I was that trusted and loved and hoped eternal - that someone might do this to me again. On a rational level I do not believe he ever would, but there is some survival instinct inside me that is like an abused dog under the bed biting anyone who puts their hand under.

The reason this affected me in quite the way it did was that I was a particularly trusting person who was very comfortable being vulnerable with others - even with the knowledge they might let me down. I experienced multiple past betrayals from partners. I was cheated on by my son's father and moved on very quickly - I just realised he wasn't the one for me and immediately left without much pain. I was also left once out of the blue by a partner I lived with who just decided he didn't love me anymore out of literally nowhere. That hurt very deeply, but I was able to make sense of it and move forward because it ultimately was caused by him not loving me.

In this case though, what made it hard to make sense of is that it doesn't add up. If you do truly love one person then to cheat on them, lie to them, humiliate them, and essentially do these awful things to them doesn't make sense. To get caught and to put them through six months of more lies, betrayal and cruelty makes zero sense. So perhaps that was why my brain was never able to close the book.

But, you are right, there is also a big part of me that feels if I push him away hard enough and he leaves me then I can be proved right. "You might be trying to push him away, or you believe he doesn’t really love you and if he decides enough is enough and leave you can be proved right". Yes, I feel this. As painful as that would be, it would make sense.

What instead, I see, is a man who loves me deeply. I am cherished. I can see that and feel it every day of my life. But I wasn't loved and cherished by this man once upon a time. What you say is right and people fuck up and he can't turn back time. I just wish there was a way my heart could tell itself a story that made all this add up.

His version? When we met, he was a mess and just wasn't ready. He had all sorts of childhood trauma influencing his choices and he was selfish and weak and didn't really trust that if he fully loved me and let himself do that, that anyone as great as me would stay. He says being with me taught him to love himself, and he would never make those same mistakes ever again.

Don't want to derail the thread but I love this ❤️

Fuck him and his offers of yoga. It grosses me out.

Imagine a man who had systematically broken down their partner’s self esteem with a campaign of abuse, and then apologised and lovingly tended to them and offered endless support. Oh wow - what a good guy 😠

No. Leave him and heal and recover your life and choices.

So sorry @DooveyDay 💐

Some of the posts such as ‘you have a low bar’ are just plain cruel and judgemental nonsense from people who neither know or care for you.

A person suffering with depression will take that in as you clearly have.

If your preferred state is unconscious then I think you should talk to a doctor.

I have been there and it was only after getting help with my depression that I was able to make the tough but necessary decisions.

Sometimes when we have been hurt badly the depression that follows can paralyse us.

Deal with the depression and when you feel better you will see more clearly.

I wish you all the best and please take care of yourself- you are not your worst thoughts.

This sounds like me in the depths of depression. I finally started medication and my life totally changed. Please seek help for this first and then see how you feel. It might give you the strength to heal from the affair and move forward, or it might give you the strength to move on. Either way, you need to address the depression first. You get one life. Don't waste it.

So unhelpful.
Despite the huge mistake he made it is very obvious he loves her.
I am not saying his mistake is reparable (only the OP knows) but he clearly loves her.

OP, have you ever considered consciously using him as support to build your life back up to where you are enjoying being alive again, and then dumping him because you can’t forgive the disrespect?
Your self esteem is through the floor at the moment. You need to find the things that make you feel okay again. He’s destroyed your ability to trust people. But how do you feel about animals? It sounds like you find being in the countryside comforting? Have you considered trying wild swimming or a walking group or something? Something where you might need some social interaction but where it’s acceptable for that to be secondary to your main motivation for being there.