I forgave the unforgivable and now I'm not okay

[DooveyDay]

Some years ago in the early-ish stages of our relationship, my partner had an affair that lasted several months. I will not tell the whole story here as it would be too long to read and probably doesn't add much value, but it involved a high degree of betrayal and humiliation.

At the time, and for a long time afterwards, I think it was impossible for me to process mentally that it was all real. I believed myself to be particularly cherished by him (he always said he was lunching above his weight) and this wasn't behavior I predicted from his general character.

As I said, it was early-ish days of our relationship. We were not married, we were not living together, we had no children, we had no financial links. Had he wanted to be in a relationship with the other woman rather than me, it certainly would have been easy to do so. She said she was in love with him.

However, he was adamant that he loved me and not her, and that he'd never wanted a relationship with her. He said it was a terrible mistake that just happened after a series of bad choices. He said I was the love of his life and he begged me to give him a second chance because the thought of life without me in it was unbearable. So, I did.

Had the story ended there, I think I would have healed up from this and we'd have gone on to be happy, but the immediate aftermath in the first six months after discovery was horrific and I think far worse than the cheating itself.

Firstly, it was obvious that he grieved the loss of the affair and found it difficult to let go of it. He made excuses to break his NC agreement and betrayed me over and over again during the time period he was supposed to be helping me heal. There were also times I briefly felt he wanted her and not me, that he was happier with her than me, although he denied this adamantly.

I can see now that his behavior over that period of time caused very deep psychological damage to me. It changed me in way I couldn't see at the time because I was just trying to survive it and make it stop rather than analysing much. Each time I tried to leave he would cry and beg and I would go back on new promises that were broken every time.

Eventually, he turned things around.

He worked with her, so he left his job for my sake and has never had contact with her since. He says now that she is irrelevant to him but that for a brief time he was addicted in a sense to the free adoration she gave him in the false world of the affair. He said it was never love, but more a desire to be admired and approved of and made to feel good in some way.

He stopped drinking completely and took up a lot of couples hobbies with me. He voluntarily changed a lot of things to create security for me, emotionally and in the wider scheme of life. He has spent many years being the perfect partner really, and if not for the history I would feel cherished and very lucky.

As a result of all that happened, I have dealt with hideous depression. I have cut myself off socially. I gave up my once much-loved work. I lost all confidence in myself as a person in more or less every aspect of my life. I have deep issues with trusting others or being vulnerable. I lost my interest in sex almost completely. For me, it feels like my life story ended some time ago and I am just going through the motions.

Through this, he is a rock and pillar. He dotes on me and there isn't anything I could ask for that he does not give. It doesn't matter how bad I feel, he is always there. The life he has given me now is exactly the one I always dreamed of and wanted and yet I cannot shake the pain and sadness that makes me feel like a stranger in it.

Not a day goes by that I don't struggle to understand how he once treated me so cruelly. I don't understand why he did it, why he wanted to do it, or how he was capable of it. He is unable to really explain that to me. He only promises he regrets ever minute of it, he will never leave and he will never harm me again.

I fantasise sometimes about packing a bag and disappearing so nobody has to come near me again. I feel so sad that anybody, let alone him, did things which changed me like this. I also feel bad and guilty that I haven't just "moved on".

I really don't know what to do.

I just wanted to know really if this is something anyone else has ever felt? I feel very alone.

I wonder if on some level, "healing and moving forward" means opening myself up to the possibility of someone hurting me this way again.

Yes, it does. Moving forward means accepting that you’ll both be back out in the world, and trusting that he won’t do this again. Believing that he made a mistake and wouldn’t make that same choice today.

If you can’t do that, you can’t move forward with him. You'll get stuck in a loop, like you are now, like you have been for five years. He’ll be trying to make it up to you, you’ll be struggling through every moment, and what he did permeates every moment of your life and feels like it’s now. It never becomes the past. It never becomes easier. You pick the wound, constantly.

People are flawed, and some will hurt you. He has. They won’t all be bad people. But you take the risk for the highs of life. You have to take the downs with the ups. Otherwise there’s nothing, as you’ve found. You’re just stuck. You won’t risk anything so there’s no reward.

I don’t think this has to be the end with him, if you don’t want it to be, but you do have to want to heal. You can’t hide and he can’t repent forever.

An answer to that question doesn't exist. It makes no sense

He's weak and selfish and had poor boundaries, he needs/needed validation??

Some people can cheat on people they "love".

For lots of reasons like those above.

Some people compartmentalise massively.

Some people's "love" is not worth much.

Their "love" doesn't for example include any of the points in that famous poem about love.

As others have said you are deeply depressed and need help. I know you can’t imagine it but you don’t have to feel that way. Anti depressants can be amazing and very useful while you seek therapy. Please contact your GP asap, say you are having mental health issues and need to speak to someone that day. Don’t leave it any longer, you don’t need to spend any more time feeling like this.

Of course, staying with someone who cheated on you comes with a great weight of shame and I am now someone sad, with a very low bar it seems

Actually no, @DooveyDay; what you did was to make what seemed the right decision for you at the time, which is all any of us can do, remembering that you can't know how the alternative would have worked out either

However what you're living with now, regardless of how he's behaving, is the long term effects of his choices - and that can certainly include depression, which is why a chat with a professsional's probably wise

Overall though, sooner or later you'll need to decide whether this is now the life you want, and that's a decision only you can make with what he wants not needing to come into it - and I wish you only the very best with it

And yes, you sound depressed.

Hi OP, I’ve read all your replies to the comments on here and I really would urge you to get professional help. I know lots of posters are focusing on your OH and on leaving him but I don’t think that’s the answer, it’s easy for posters to play the LTB card but they aren’t in your shoes. He loves and cares for you and what you need is help to leave the past behind and to enjoy the time you have together here and now. You may never completely forgive him but you can find a place of peace and acceptance. If you want to spend your future together you can find a way through this but you can’t do it alone please speak to your doctor or a counsellor.

You need to make a decision here one way or the other. Accept that it happened and it was horrible, but it’s over now and put it firmly in the past. Or end the relationship if you can’t get past it. This can’t and shouldn’t go on as it is, it’s not fair on anyone. Easier said than done of course, but you can’t just carry on like this indefinitely, something needs to change.

Even if someone loves you - and you say you would be convinced by the current situation of him loving and cherishing you - you can't make yourself romantically love them back. If you have to try at it, for this long, then it's not right. This is true whether or not a period of poor behaviour was in the frame at some point. He could be the most gorgeous/ reformed/ compassionate man, but if he's not the one you love, then that's how it is.

I think that you fear an honest assessment and conversation, and you fear things for yourself without him, but it would be the most ethical and authentic approach for both of you. Worry about what would be the case, post-relationship, when that eventuality comes. It is almost certainly going to be more different and unguessable than you think in the present time. I am always struck by Hilary Mantel, who divorced her husband but then remarried him later in life. Maybe even something like that could be one way, of many, that will be open.

This seems a strong response to betrayal

I'd suggest counselling / therapy

And agree with PP, never too late to end the relationship if it's not working for you

The thing is, as someone sort of on the other side of this, people are more than one thing. Life is complicated and sometimes things happen that we respond to in unexpected and stupid and difficult ways.

His affair, in the best possible way, was likely little to do with you; it was something in him, a need he fulfilled in the wrong way. When you're in that space the dopamine is sort of overwhelming and you can talk yourself into almost anything, and justify almost anything.

it's over

rebuild your life without him

It’s the broken mirror analogy isn’t it? You can glue it back together but it’ll never look the same.

I get it because it happened to me too - in my case it was online stuff/affair websites and I didn’t leave because I was heavily pregnant at the time.

It’s been over 10 years now and the truth is that what happened, combined with other things he’s done have led to me feeling extremely resentful and often feeling like I hate him. It’s done an absolute number on my MH. I feel like I was such a happy trusting person before all this and it feels like he just ruined my sense of self really.

I also have to say I think all the crying/begging etc your dh did when you found out sounds highly manipulative.

Did he admitted to the affair or did you find out?

Men often want to have their cake and eat it and just because he’s realised what he nearly lost after the fact doesn’t mean he won’t have it in him to do it again if he’s feeling “low” or whatever his excuse was. If he’s susceptible to enjoying attention from other women who’s to say he won’t succumb again if someone turns his head?

You are depressed because you’ve suffered a trauma from the one person you thought you could rely on and who should love you more than anything betraying you in the worst possible way.
You are now having to use cognitive dissonance to try to ignore and forget about what he did in order to be happy and move on. But that is asking your brain to forget the terrible betrayal he inflicted upon you. Not everyone can do that, and that’s ok. You can leave him any time you like - it doesn’t matter how much time has passed and you have probably been processing everything in all this time only to come to the conclusion you still aren’t ok with it. That’s how I feel too.

It’s no wonder our minds get fucked up from this shit.

Give it up - you can’t move on and heal In this relationship. It’s not healthy and living with the weight of severe depression must be exhausting. You need to see a Dr and a counsellor who can help you navigate a new life

You have no kids and 2 homes - honestly a split seems relatively easy in terms of logistics. In your position I think I'd like to try counselling to see if I could overcome it, but give it a timeframe (6 months?) and if it's not worked for you then better to split. I can 100% see where you are coming from on this, I do not blame you at all.

Poor guy. Just leave him, stop punishing him.

Oh give over.

If the “guy” feels he’s being punished and is having such a terrible time he can end things too cant he? But he won’t because likely he knows he’s the one who is getting much more out of this relationship than the op is.

You can’t heal as long as you’re with him. It’s like expecting a knife wound to heal with the knife still in your body. Deep down in your soul you recognise that he hurt you hideously, and no matter how much you want to forgive, you simply cannot and have not.

The depression, the lack of desire for sex, it’s all because you’re in a relationship that is not right for you. You can’t desire someone you don’t trust.

You feel bad about ending the relationship because he left his job etc and wails when you try, but that is all emotional blackmail and it isn’t your responsibility. What you need - not want, NEED, is to heal from betrayal. And that simply isn’t going to happen as long as you’re in a relationship with your betrayer.

If you don’t feel strong enough to leave, see a counsellor and work out what the obstacles to leaving are.

If leaving means being alone, that is ok. It’s better to be alone than to be with him.

I can't see what the DP is getting out of the relationship either tbh. OP, please visit the GP and get antidepressants and trauma counselling. 💐

The reason why you can't get over it, despite all the nice things he's done or behaved since is because what he did changed how you view him as a person. That disappointment, hurt and confusion never leaves some people. It's like shattering a mirror. Something that can't be unshattered.

Sounds to me like he wanted wife material, which was you, and fancied himself as one of those men who can have life long affairs, stringing the other woman along for years whilst he helps himself to thrills, sexual gratification, the drama, the secrecy, and all those highs & lows.

Actually, this is one of the more balanced and considered posts and not everyone is saying to LTB and where they are saying it, they are explaining their reasoning.

OP, your posts make me so sad and angry for you. I just want to scoop you up and give you a very un-Mumsnetty hug.

I don't have much good advice and think I would need a lot of context to bee able to offer a perspective but he has treated you despicably.

Of course it is possible for someone to have not loved you once, and then grown to love you (and that makes all kinds of sense) but without knowing more, all sorts of other things are possible - like he's a bit of a sinister character who actively wants someone broken and isolated (whatever he says) and gets a secret they'll out of the fact he's done this to you and you're now under the thumb while he gets to play saviour. I don't know.

What I do know is that you are important and whole in your own right entirely regardless of him and anyone else and you must rediscover your love for yourself and prioritise your own happiness. You can and should absolutely ignore what may or may not make him happy and be completely selfish in seeking that out again.

Much love to you.

This resonates strongly with me OP. Some of the things you’ve written I could write word for word. I stayed with my cheating husband too - I found out in 2020. I struggle massively to this day - my mental health, my self esteem. With anger, with sadness, with trust. It just takes you apart.

I don’t know what the answer is but some of the responses around healing yourself speak to me. I’ve made the decision to stay with him. I think it would help me to try and compartmentalise what he did more - for both of our sakes.

It of course doesn’t mean that you can’t change your mind. Some days I think I’ll walk away and I just can’t do it. Most days I want us to try.

I have read and re-read and re-read your posts, OP... because they resonate so deeply.

I truly think the "good people do bad things" really applies here...and, from what you've typed, I feel your DH is s good man who's done a (massively) bad thing. But I believe people can (and do) see their mistakes and the damage they have caused and intend to spend their lives dedicated to making amends. I feel your DH is that kind of man.

I'm inclined to agree with PPs that are leaning towards to depression, mainly because I read it and see it in myself. I have a DH who is making just as much an effort as yours and I'm having trouble accepting it and trusting it...but deep down, I know he is sincere. My DH had huge self esteem issues, combined with sexual abuse at boarding school (abandonment etc). He's always taken sex as meaning affection and appreciation. We've done a LOT of work.

I, too, struggle in many of the ways you describe and I'm considering seeking medical help for depression. I want to beat this my DH, I'm not so concerned with trust issues going forward as much as my coping skills with the how/why he'd done what he'd done.

You CAN come through this with a good life with a reformed man x