I forgave the unforgivable and now I'm not okay

[DooveyDay]

Some years ago in the early-ish stages of our relationship, my partner had an affair that lasted several months. I will not tell the whole story here as it would be too long to read and probably doesn't add much value, but it involved a high degree of betrayal and humiliation.

At the time, and for a long time afterwards, I think it was impossible for me to process mentally that it was all real. I believed myself to be particularly cherished by him (he always said he was lunching above his weight) and this wasn't behavior I predicted from his general character.

As I said, it was early-ish days of our relationship. We were not married, we were not living together, we had no children, we had no financial links. Had he wanted to be in a relationship with the other woman rather than me, it certainly would have been easy to do so. She said she was in love with him.

However, he was adamant that he loved me and not her, and that he'd never wanted a relationship with her. He said it was a terrible mistake that just happened after a series of bad choices. He said I was the love of his life and he begged me to give him a second chance because the thought of life without me in it was unbearable. So, I did.

Had the story ended there, I think I would have healed up from this and we'd have gone on to be happy, but the immediate aftermath in the first six months after discovery was horrific and I think far worse than the cheating itself.

Firstly, it was obvious that he grieved the loss of the affair and found it difficult to let go of it. He made excuses to break his NC agreement and betrayed me over and over again during the time period he was supposed to be helping me heal. There were also times I briefly felt he wanted her and not me, that he was happier with her than me, although he denied this adamantly.

I can see now that his behavior over that period of time caused very deep psychological damage to me. It changed me in way I couldn't see at the time because I was just trying to survive it and make it stop rather than analysing much. Each time I tried to leave he would cry and beg and I would go back on new promises that were broken every time.

Eventually, he turned things around.

He worked with her, so he left his job for my sake and has never had contact with her since. He says now that she is irrelevant to him but that for a brief time he was addicted in a sense to the free adoration she gave him in the false world of the affair. He said it was never love, but more a desire to be admired and approved of and made to feel good in some way.

He stopped drinking completely and took up a lot of couples hobbies with me. He voluntarily changed a lot of things to create security for me, emotionally and in the wider scheme of life. He has spent many years being the perfect partner really, and if not for the history I would feel cherished and very lucky.

As a result of all that happened, I have dealt with hideous depression. I have cut myself off socially. I gave up my once much-loved work. I lost all confidence in myself as a person in more or less every aspect of my life. I have deep issues with trusting others or being vulnerable. I lost my interest in sex almost completely. For me, it feels like my life story ended some time ago and I am just going through the motions.

Through this, he is a rock and pillar. He dotes on me and there isn't anything I could ask for that he does not give. It doesn't matter how bad I feel, he is always there. The life he has given me now is exactly the one I always dreamed of and wanted and yet I cannot shake the pain and sadness that makes me feel like a stranger in it.

Not a day goes by that I don't struggle to understand how he once treated me so cruelly. I don't understand why he did it, why he wanted to do it, or how he was capable of it. He is unable to really explain that to me. He only promises he regrets ever minute of it, he will never leave and he will never harm me again.

I fantasise sometimes about packing a bag and disappearing so nobody has to come near me again. I feel so sad that anybody, let alone him, did things which changed me like this. I also feel bad and guilty that I haven't just "moved on".

I really don't know what to do.

I just wanted to know really if this is something anyone else has ever felt? I feel very alone.

I feel like I am just reacting to very real things that happened and which changed the meaning of the world to me.

Yes, that is always hard - to find out that the world isn't how you thought it was. It is tough to accept.

In this case though, what made it hard to make sense of is that it doesn't add up. If you do truly love one person then to cheat on them, lie to them, humiliate them, and essentially do these awful things to them doesn't make sense.

People don't make sense. People are confused, contradictory, and paradoxical. There is no sense to it.
It is very possible to believe that you truly "love" someone and then cheat and lie and hurt them, all while still "loving" them.
Most people are not very capable of "love" - we do the best we can, but damaged and confused people give out damaging and confusing "love".

Perhaps you could focus less on "love", and instead ask yourself is this a relationship that is "good for me" - is is helping you to be your best self? Is it helping you to grow, to be happy, to have a fulfilling life?

If a relationship is not doing good for both people, then no matter how much "love" there is, it is better for them to split up.
"Love" is not everything. "Love" is most definitely not enough. "Being loved" is sometimes not the most important thing.

Relationships have to be healthy and good for both partners. Stop thinking about love. Start thinking about health and healthiness - keep asking "Is this good for me?"

I'm glad you're going to make an appointment with your GP. please be very honest about how you are feeling and the impact it's having on your life.

What's in it for him exactly? He's living with a depressed partner and no sex. Are you sure you feel as secure about him adoring you and giving you the earth as you've posted?

This

Step one - love yourself...

I’m glad you’ll be contacting your GP. Please do it tomorrow, don’t put it off. MH is so tricky, when we’re in the thick of it it feels like nothing can help or is pointless. Honestly that’s not true although it feels like it. Like many others I’ve been there, its horrendous but reaching out for help is the first step.

Hope to get an update tomorrow after talking to your GP.

The thing with trust is...it usually comes down to how much we trust ourselves. You can't control whether someone betrays you but you can decide you wont accept betrayal again. You can't 'know' for sure, no-one does. That's the gamble of a relationship. But you can extend trust in a safe way as you see...consistency, loyalty, care and respect from someone over a long period of time. It is possible to recover from betrayal. But I think you'll have to leave him to do it.

You definitely need to see the GP. This is too extreme.

If you had been married 10 years and he cheated on you I would understand the deep levels of trauma more. However as you said you were at the beginning stages of your relationship, I doubt he even loved you then (even though he may have said he did.)
I’m not saying what he did wasn’t wrong, but he didn’t betray the relationship and love you have for each other now.

Your story sounds so similar to mine. And similar timeline in that the cheating was discovered 4.5 years ago, we were already married and I would have said I trusted him 100%, I was so blindsided. I've struggled for years and eventually went to the GP a month-ish ago because I'd stopped seeing people, felt like I wanted to spend my life in bed eyc. I was referred to the mental health nurse who couldn't have been kinder and listened to me. I thought she'd say I needed a therapist to work through things rather than medication but she said she thought antidepressants would be beneficial and of course going through that would affect anyone's mental health. The tablets have allowed me to gain some perspective. They've taken the edge off and while I'm not jumping for joy, I'm not hoping I don't wake up. They've given me the courage to tell my husband we need couples counselling if I have any chance of moving forward ever. Our relationship is now me pushing him away and him feeling unloved and rejected and neither of us is happy. I will never fully trust him again, I will never get over it but I might be able to find a way to live with it and find some peace.
Definitely speak to the GP, it's a starting point.

Your feelings on this sounds incredibly complicated and circular, in the sense that you are going round and round in the same negative loop. I suggest you find someone professional you can unpick this all with if money allows. Second you are allowed to still leave and that might be for the best given how you feel.

@MStarG Please tread carefully with joint counselling. Perhaps consider it for yourself only first.

Consider a double appointment with your GP if you can wangle it OP. You need some real support, I don’t think I’ve ever read this level of anguish over something like this and where it has taken you.

I'm torn with this one as it's hard to know from a few posts on the internet but:

Do you think that doing the 'pick me' dance has set an unhealthy dynamic to your relationship?
The being cut off, the not working. Is this all you or is there a controlling relationship underpinning this? You say he cherishes you but is this really putting your best interests first? It might be but equally that's the kind of language used in controlling relationships.

Or have you developed obsessive thoughts processed focused on this but that are actually part of a wider mental health issue? I know this was massive but it was an early part of your relationship and you had choices. You say he's been a good husband. How many years are we talking compared to the affair?

Either way you really need counselling at the very least to understand the true nature of your feelings before making any decisions.

I am so sorry your life has spiralled into this situation, you sound terribly depressed and the initial reason doesn’t matter that much at the moment. Please go and speak to your gp and be really honest about how you are feeling x

Oh Lordy... I know everyone is going to hate me but here it goes...

I think you both need to take some responsibility.

Early in the relationship he did something horrifically shitty and you stayed.

And even then he continued to be shitty instead of as you said " helping you to heal".

He was an ass and presumably also in his 40's but at that point the responsibility on healing yourself was you.

If he had a shitty childhood that sucks but it's also on HIM to heal himself from that.

You both seem stuck in a cycle of punishment.

You punish yourself and become more listless and depressed, and he punishes himself by staying.

You were betrayed previously by the father of your child and another long term relationship so your response is likely tied up in a lot of trauma not just this.

You also have an adult son who will be watching you suffer and that's worth taking into account.

You've been together four years which is a fairly short relationship. You two are in a toxic circle of codependency.

Unfortunately he can't heal you. To be honest if he had an abusive childhood where he was sexually abused and is now still in this relationship he needs a shit ton of therapy too.

You are in control of you.

It sounds like you are attributing your depression all to him which doesn't particularly seem fair either. Especially given your previous experiences.

OP you have PTSD and need professional help. The fact you have no motivation is why you need to see someone. Let him drag you through the door and let them help you.

I wish you well x

Possibly part of how you feel is because you can’t come to terms with yourself or feel you have let your true self down because you chose to stay with him after his awful betrayal.

You are human, and you need to forgive yourself.

Time is a great healer and it’s still early days. You can both still have a very happy future together.

I absolutely agree that therapy is worth trying (with personal and professional experience informing that opinion). I think people often feel therapy won’t help because it won’t change the facts or their histories. True, it won’t, but as you have said yourself, the facts stay with you in what you feel they MEAN about the world, about others, and about yourself. And that is worth exploring - what are you telling yourself about all of this, and can you be curious about that? Personally I chose psychoanalytic psychotherapy, which is more exploratory and about the things we are doing and feeling that are unconscious, rather than a more symptom focused approach like CBT, but people find different approaches helpful. Be prepared for the NHS route to be tricky these days, it has been underfunded for 15+ years. HOWEVER, don’t assume it’s not worth trying! In some areas you can still get a speedy referral to someone who may turn out to be able to support you in at least the first bit of exploring where you have ended up at this point in your life, what you make of that, and what is possible. It can be hard to do the leg work to find someone in the private sector (especially if you’re looking for low fee/no fee) and this may be something you could ask for help with. Institutions like the Institute of Psychoanalysis have a “find a therapist” page on their websites.

I would also say, take this seriously: don’t go to someone twice, not feel it’s working, and decide “therapy doesn’t work”. You might have to meet more than one therapist, you might have to have a conversation with them about the part of you that doesn’t want to do it, and maybe wants to go home and stare at the wall (therapists are used to direct feedback about what it’s like to be in the room talking about this stuff, don’t be too polite, tell them the reality). At this point in depression it would be unusual if there wasn’t a part of you that is going to resist things shifting. Finally I would say don’t rule out anti depressants. I used to feel negative about them and I still feel concerned if someone is taking them instead of exploring the depression. But if you take them as well, in some cases they are the small lift you need in order to be able to think and feel again. To say it is “depression” is literally just a description of the feeling - it doesn’t mean it isn’t caused by or related to real things, it just means that you find yourself in a situation where your liveliness and curiosity and hope are currently depressed, and that can feel SO stuck.

I wish you the very best - I hope you are able to start exploring this, and I hope you find people who are able to help you with that work. There may be a time when you look back on this point from a very different perspective.

It's hard to see the wood for the trees but medical intervention and counselling will certainly help you. It's nearly impossible to look forward when your in the middle of it. Life probably seems like it will never be good again but it will be! You really need to seek help. CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) really helped me with negative thought patterns. I will go over and over things in my head and it obviously makes things worse. I have awful anxiety and tend to catastrophise. There are exercises and therapies it can teach you to stop your brain from sliding back into these horrible thought patterns. Anti depressants may help. I was cheated on in the past but I was younger, broke up with them (happened twice with 2 separate boyfriends) and luckily I moved on though it was grim at the time. It's probably much harder because you stayed with him. Please seek help. It will take time and it will be a slow healing process but anything has got to be better than you're feeling now. Talk to your partner, really talk to him. It sounds like he is at least now supportive and will help you get the help you need to move forward.

@MStarG”Our relationship is now me pushing him away and him feeling unloved and rejected and neither of us is happy.”

This is us. I push mine away so much too.

Wouldn’t wish this on anyone but it’s good to know I’m not alone. Hearing how this affects others is like a lightbulb moment to read, it just resonates so strongly.

I'm sorry OP, I think he sounds awful. He has destroyed your sense of self and then repeatedly refused to do the one truly loving thing he could have done for you, which was to let you leave when you kept trying to do so. His conscious intentions may be good but I think subconsciously he's got you just where he wants you. You are both probably playing out scenarios related to your earlier experiences which you don't fully understand but whatever is going on it is clear that you are profoundly depressed. You should prioritise intensive therapy, preferably physically away from him, and then see how you feel. I have been seriously depressed myself, I do appreciate how hard it is to take the step of seeking help. But how you feel now is not reality.

@DooveyDay

I am extremely familiar with what you have written. And I don’t know how long it’s been since your betrayal, but the situation I am familiar with took 22 years to heal from. 22 years.

In fairness, the man in the story I refer to, was a complete ass for 9 months. 9 months of living and breathing pain for the woman involved. Following this, the man made a choice to do better and he did. For the next 22 years he behaved like a gent. He still does. He gave up everything he enjoyed to make his other half feel loved, valued and protected and it still took her 22 years to say ‘I feel ok now’.

Perhaps it would have been better if she left. I don’t know. But they are where they are.
She chose to stay. He has treated her like a princess since. He hasn’t so much as been on a night out. Not even his brother’s stag. Done his hours at work and returned to spent every other minute with her. But she still lived with sorrow, resentment, periods of anger, hatred, low self esteem and everything else, for all of that time.

She never did counselling. Maybe it could have helped. If I asked her now, she is finally happy, confident, secure. It just took much longer than we ever thought possible for her to get there. Sometimes the trauma of betrayal is too great. And isn’t that sad. What a waste.

OP, this is sound advice. Please consider showing a friend what you've written here, you've got a lot to deal with and it'll help having some support.

Having someone betray your trust can be a really traumatic experience and I don't think the feelings that you have are unusual given what he did.

It sounds like you're punishing yourself and you're punishing him too, maybe in the hopes that he might say or do something that fixes what he's already done.

But I don't think anything he could say/do would make you feel better (unless he can figure out a way to go back in time) you will probably always have doubts about his love and commitment in the back of your mind.

Some people can move past infidelity and some people can't. But there comes a point when you have to decide whether it's worth it or not to continue this relationship.

If you can't move past it then you're going to spend the rest of your life feeling bad about yourself and resentful of him, even if you have a good life together it doesn't mean anything if you're this unhappy.

So you are becoming socially and physically isolated and spending all your time thinking how his actions affected you and trying to understand his thoughts and motivations. Then he's sending you flowers to your isolated house which you are holding onto as a sign of how great he is. He is putting up with your constant doubts and questioning by being a perfect partner who seems to be becoming your whole emotional outlet.
Creating an unhealthy dependency that you should get out of as soon as you can