I forgave the unforgivable and now I'm not okay

[DooveyDay]

Some years ago in the early-ish stages of our relationship, my partner had an affair that lasted several months. I will not tell the whole story here as it would be too long to read and probably doesn't add much value, but it involved a high degree of betrayal and humiliation.

At the time, and for a long time afterwards, I think it was impossible for me to process mentally that it was all real. I believed myself to be particularly cherished by him (he always said he was lunching above his weight) and this wasn't behavior I predicted from his general character.

As I said, it was early-ish days of our relationship. We were not married, we were not living together, we had no children, we had no financial links. Had he wanted to be in a relationship with the other woman rather than me, it certainly would have been easy to do so. She said she was in love with him.

However, he was adamant that he loved me and not her, and that he'd never wanted a relationship with her. He said it was a terrible mistake that just happened after a series of bad choices. He said I was the love of his life and he begged me to give him a second chance because the thought of life without me in it was unbearable. So, I did.

Had the story ended there, I think I would have healed up from this and we'd have gone on to be happy, but the immediate aftermath in the first six months after discovery was horrific and I think far worse than the cheating itself.

Firstly, it was obvious that he grieved the loss of the affair and found it difficult to let go of it. He made excuses to break his NC agreement and betrayed me over and over again during the time period he was supposed to be helping me heal. There were also times I briefly felt he wanted her and not me, that he was happier with her than me, although he denied this adamantly.

I can see now that his behavior over that period of time caused very deep psychological damage to me. It changed me in way I couldn't see at the time because I was just trying to survive it and make it stop rather than analysing much. Each time I tried to leave he would cry and beg and I would go back on new promises that were broken every time.

Eventually, he turned things around.

He worked with her, so he left his job for my sake and has never had contact with her since. He says now that she is irrelevant to him but that for a brief time he was addicted in a sense to the free adoration she gave him in the false world of the affair. He said it was never love, but more a desire to be admired and approved of and made to feel good in some way.

He stopped drinking completely and took up a lot of couples hobbies with me. He voluntarily changed a lot of things to create security for me, emotionally and in the wider scheme of life. He has spent many years being the perfect partner really, and if not for the history I would feel cherished and very lucky.

As a result of all that happened, I have dealt with hideous depression. I have cut myself off socially. I gave up my once much-loved work. I lost all confidence in myself as a person in more or less every aspect of my life. I have deep issues with trusting others or being vulnerable. I lost my interest in sex almost completely. For me, it feels like my life story ended some time ago and I am just going through the motions.

Through this, he is a rock and pillar. He dotes on me and there isn't anything I could ask for that he does not give. It doesn't matter how bad I feel, he is always there. The life he has given me now is exactly the one I always dreamed of and wanted and yet I cannot shake the pain and sadness that makes me feel like a stranger in it.

Not a day goes by that I don't struggle to understand how he once treated me so cruelly. I don't understand why he did it, why he wanted to do it, or how he was capable of it. He is unable to really explain that to me. He only promises he regrets ever minute of it, he will never leave and he will never harm me again.

I fantasise sometimes about packing a bag and disappearing so nobody has to come near me again. I feel so sad that anybody, let alone him, did things which changed me like this. I also feel bad and guilty that I haven't just "moved on".

I really don't know what to do.

I just wanted to know really if this is something anyone else has ever felt? I feel very alone.

I stayed.

We did have a child and I figured I may as well go through the healing process with him, as I could never be free of him completely.

The fallout from affairs is complex (not so much for the person having them, ironically). How do you come to terms with someone who loves you, doing something so unspeakable, not just once, but over and over, for weeks or months or years.

You sound depressed, you're not feeling better even when you're not with him. You might leave him, you might not, but you do need to heal yourself.

We had counselling, then I had counselling. We're 18 years down the line and I'm debating counselling again. I'm not the person I was, I'm still rebuilding bits of my personality and sense of self that were shattered. The added irritation was that I had to deal with other people's judgement of me for staying.

You don't sound like you've processed the trauma at all, but to get through it you have to face the pain, feel it and move through it.

I feel so much sympathy for you, but even though someone did something terrible to you, only you can take the action needed to find your way through it.

@DooveyDay Do you work, OP? You could save a little bit by bit so you could leave.
You can trust again. My ex-husband betrayed me beyond all understanding (not with another woman) and I said I would never remarry, but here I am. And finally happy. I still struggle with trust, but I'm getting there.

You're mixing up now, with then. He's told you that he wasn't sure he loved you at the start, maybe that was your difference. You seem to have history for falling quickly, so to you at the time it was this big betrayal of your love, where really yes, you should take care of your heart and not be too trusting with anyone from the start, that is why most people would of had no trouble in dumping at the time, as love would not have normally developed yet. Love should grow over time and be less at the start, so it should be easier to end a betrayal at the start than you found it.
Now, it's fine to make yourself vulnerable maybe after a year, when you know you can trust another. You are taking it to extremes now and only hurting yourself the most.
You've known your friends for years, you can trust them and see them, but are cutting yourself off and rejecting people you love before they do it to you, even when logically that won't happen.
What have you got to lose with therapy? The worst that can happen is nothing changes, so stop putting barriers up on it. Particularly consider why you fall so quickly and deeply from the start. Why the hurt is so dramatic and consuming for you.
People who love you don't do the things he did, but he didn't love you then, he was too messed up to know if he did. He may well love you now, so hasn't since. The answer is simple.

Op, how long ago wa this? How many years have you now both been living in this loop?

it sounds to me like yoh have depression, as in proper clinical depression, the cause may have been the affair, or it maybe you would be depressed anyway even if it had never occurred.

if im brutally honest, i also don’t understand why he stays, to spend years being punished for this, as that is what is happening.

you both need to bear responsibility for your actions, and this includes you, not seeking help,

if I continue to be honest, it sounds miserable and a waste of two lives.

Dear @DooveyDay I have experienced betrayal and it's very long shadow, many years long in my case. You have a strong instinct to protect yourself and also a drive to express and consider your feelings and painful situation by posting this thread.

It seems to me you have said clearly that it is helpful feeling heard here.

It sounds as if you are considering some different courses of action, you aren't necessarily sure what you want to aim for or what relief might be possible.

I feel sure that your suffering can be lessened. There are probably a large number of potentially helpful options. Some may work better for you than others. Some options might play to your strengths or tastes others might seem pointless or potentially harmful.

Do you feel willing to try something you haven't tried before?

I came across the BBC (I think) series with Orna Guralnik when I was trying to make sense of past difficulties. It's filmed couple's therapy with a very expert and impressive therapist. The couples have a lot of different difficulties, some find a way to stay together and improve things but some don't. Its compelling watching and doesn't feel exploitative.

I'm not suggesting you have therapy, couples therapy or counselling. If you did want to look for help of that kind it sounds as if you have the financial resources to afford someone very good.

I am suggesting watching the series (I'll look for a link) because it's so thought provoking and Orna G. is so good at helping people look at their difficulties. There might be something in someone else's story that resonates for you.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episodes/p0b8kmch/couples-therapy

Op reading this i sort of want to give you a shake (in a kind way)

You are not taking responsibility right now for your own life. Stop this path and choose one of happiness.

You are wallowing in sadness and misery living the past. There are so many things that could help you get unstuck...self.help books...counselling

.etc

But In the end all of it comes down to owning your own decisions abour your own life and stop waiting for something outside yourself to change

Your title states you forgave but you didn’t did you? And you still haven’t and probably never will. So why stay?

The best way I can explain why I think I don't want to get better, aside from my brain not really remembering how happiness felt, is that I feel on a very deep level that if I do, and I go back to that person I was that trusted and loved and hoped eternal - that someone might do this to me again

It might be much straight forward than that. It might be that if you get better you will leave him and you don’t want to.

Infidelity is abuse and it seems to be accepted as a type of abuse people do by accident. The lying, gaslighting and devaluing is emotional abuse in anyone’s book and there is nothing accidental about it.

It is very worrying that when you were your previous happy self he discarded you and now you are traumatised, isolated and depressed he adores you.

Im offended on your behalf he has suggested yoga for your PTSD. It seems the more depressed and isolated you’ve become the more he loves you.

I simply couldn’t be with him after that sort of betrayal, no matter how “nice” he was to me now. I would know in my heart what he was capable of. I would bring up the affair endlessly so there would be no point in us being together. I’d never move past it. It would be all I thought of in his company. If you can, move on and leave him in the past where he belongs. Only then can you be happy before it’s too late x

Does he often make suggestions about why you feel the way you feel and what you could do to feel better? Like the yoga suggestion. He needs to stop doing that for a start. He's the one who caused all this and yet here he is now with his oh-so-insightful suggestions. Just no.
If you feel that there is something worth salvaging (he makes you laugh, you fancy him, he's considerate etc) then perhaps you could split as such but go back to dating. Take some time out to give yourself some breathing space and take the pressure off from forcing yourself to make it work. Then slowly and carefully try to meet up here and there for dinner etc. See if he's someone that you would want to be with again.
I'm not an advocate of staying after an affair. As you've sadly found out, there is an enormous cost to pay but perhaps this new approach will give you the space to figure out whether you want to stay or go.

Your posts are so heartfelt and articulate, I really feel for you.

It sounds to me, that the heart of your problem is that you cannot cognitively understand why he would have done what he did. I can't either, yours is rather an odd story. I too cannot understand why, in the very early stage of your relationship when he had nothing to lose, had an affair with this woman whilst so in love with you. Plus he does sound as if he had deep feelings for this woman and grieved for her sorely. This is strange, and it is both understandable and sad that his actions have now caused you to lose any faith you had in human nature.

You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but is there a cultural/religious element in play? Are you perceived as a socially acceptable, culturally desirable mate whilst this other lady was somehow a taboo, unacceptable partner in some way? This is the only thing I can think of to explain his actions and if this doesn't apply it's just very odd.

I too think you are depressed and I have been there myself, when you're in it it doesn't feel like you need help. You feel like you don't want medicine to make you artificially happy. That now you see the world "as it is" ie brutal, and that it isn't depression, it's reality. But that's not true, it's your depressed brain telling you that. Having no faith in human nature any more, having no joy in anything,not wanting to go out, seeing only bleakness in life IS depression and I would urge you to please go to your doctor and seek help. Anti depressants won't change who you are or how you feel about your husband, you won't feel like a fake version of you. It will just give you mental clarity, and some strength. And maybe a little joy in the simple things in life again, we all deserve that x

What does your son think of this man?

Rather than saying that your bar was low at the beginning, forgive yourself for feeling that to continue in the relationship was the right thing to do. It obviously was the right thing to do as you now have what you wanted.

Remember... this happened at the beginning of your relationship, when he hadn't yet developed a deep long-lasting relationship with you. Now he has.

It's understandable that you were hurt then but if this is causing you so much pain now is it worth it? You can take control of this. You can choose to walk away. Or you can choose to stay. This halfway house isn't working for you.

Love puts us at our most vulnerable. It's scary to let yourself fall into it wholeheartedly. My concern for you is that your inability to move on will ultimately push him away. Believe him. Believe in him. Or walk away. Your choice.

I guess I sort of get why you haven't left in the intervening years since he mended his ways, but I don't see how you can possibly hope to recover and get over all of this (at least to some degree) except by leaving him. The fact that he's being such a model partner is making you feel guilt for not being ok. That's unfair.

Sorry if I've missed this but how long were you together at the point that he cheated?

It sounds as though you're staying with the hope that he'll be who you want him to be one day. Not the cheat that he is.

Get rid of him and do individual therapy. Get back in touch with friends and apologise for cutting them off, explain the situation. Live your life again. He's dishonest and untrustworthy and this will eat away at you.

I stayed too many times, i never forgave or forgot. It took many years to end it. My one piece of advice is to walk away and cut him out your life. You say there is no point as you would never trust another man but you are missing the point, it needs to be about you not another man. You need to heal, you need peace and space to grieve. Your worth is not connected to "being in a relationship" your worth is You. You have one short life, why oh why would you waste that precious life on this man.
I think you need to see a doctor and you need to do it soon. You can have a wonderful contented life if you allow yourself.

You have been deeply betrayed. You will never be the same, not what you were before.
But you now need to take some accountability, only you are doing this to yourself, allowing him to, no one else.

Own it, grow a pair of bollocks, find you self respect and do something proactive. See your GP. Book some counselling. Order great books on this particular subject.
Then you'll be able to decide if you want to leave him.

I feel so bloody sad for you op.

That you have been left so traumatised, you're stuck paralysed. I really feel for you so much.

I think a trauma psychotherapist (not a counsellor, they don't have the qualifications to deal with this) for complex ptsd will be the start of a new you.

I don't think you will ever be the old you again. Sometimes, events change us too much. But a future you who at least has a future. A life. Something of your own. With or without him.

I wish you the deepest of sincerities.

You've been deeply scarred and the only way forward is to focus on yourself and get therapy as soon as is possible. I'm so sad and sorry to hear your story.

There's no point in pp telling you how you shouldn't have stayed in with him in the first instance, we can't turn back clocks.

Please find yourself the best therapy you can afford and go from there.

I think you have been hurt too deeply to heal yourself, you need to seek out professional help.
I also think you need to put some distance between you to heal too.

I’m so sorry you are stuck in this place - it can happen and sometimes we need help moving on - have you tried talking therapy? The unfortunate truth is that the world will hurt you and those you love will hurt you - they’re the only ones who truly can (be it through actions or the loss of them). There is not always sensible reasoning - but by protecting yourself from hurt you also stop yourself feeling joy and love and eventually you forget how to love and value yourself through the narrative in your head. The world and people who love you can also help you heal but you need to engage with that. Don’t get stuck there - ask for help - the rewards are with the effort. Start saying yes to things - meet people outside your normal circle as they will not reflect your version of yourself and the world.

Exactly this. And the years will pass by.
You have choices, one of which is to remain as you are.

Oh OP, the last couple of paragraphs from your last post (12:45) is something that I could have written about my now ex. Different situation - I overlapped with his ex for 3 months at the start of our relationship, which I found out about 9 months into the relationship, he swore that there had been no other indiscretions during our relationship, and I took him back. I found out about another year later that actually he had slept with someone else at the start of our relationship, which he had obviously directly lied about. I ended it, but went back. It was ok for probably 2 years. Then the niggly doubts of what if, how do I know if he has lied to me again, how do I know if he really is where he says he is, if he has lied before then he could again, has he really changed like he promises he has etc etc got louder and louder, and I realised they had been there all along but I had done my utmost to ignore them. By this point, I had pretty much shut myself off emotionally to prevent any further hurt.

Our relationship ended in November, and I can't tell you how good my life is now. I had a really shit couple of months because he was a total dick about money stuff, and I realised that all along he was the guy that I knew/feared deep down that he was, and he had done a great job at charming me into believing otherwise.

He was charming, and loving, and caring, and supportive. I have no idea if it was real, or all just an act. But I don't have to think or worry about that any more, because he is no longer in my life for me to need to.

The anxiety, that I didn't realise was largely down to the relationship, has gone. I have this amazing sense of freedom and so much more space in my head to think about myself and good things rather than worry about my relationship. I feel so much better, lighter, happier, in myself.

I have had some therapy, which has literally been life changing.

If you haven't tried therapy then I'd start there.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs