Dating Thread 247

[SamW98]

Continued from 246

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Awww I like the thought that you can make friends along the way 🥰
And I think it's lovely that, although he wasn't Mr right, he's brought you a lot of company and friendship!

Yeah I think I feel better about dating in general since this situation albeit very nervous about having to go through a disaster again! I guess that's just the sim though isn't it? There will always be a risk!

Mr shy basically said that he thought I was really lovely etc etc but there was something missing for him and he had to be honest about that, he did also say that he admitted he had been quite withdrawn because of something which was going on in his life during our dates(I won't post on her), so tbh I have no expectancy to hear from him again! I do miss chatting to him as it'd been alot for a while... but I guess that's just the way it goes isn't it!

Not the way I would have chosen but had to chat for nearly three weeks by the time we met, however meeting him already felt like an old friend!!

And even though he immediately made it clear that if he were to date he only was interested in me(deleted the apps) he also said ten days into talking to me made him realise he still needed to process his relationship break up(back in September, but also separated but not completely moved out or divided assets).

So gave me an option to not continue to talk but I found him so interesting (gradually!)

Then he also said he would be abroad visiting family for three weeks during Easter and the family aren’t even aware of his break up.

Said he would be unlikely able to process everything and deal with his family’s disappointment etc while trying to keep his mind on me plus it puts me in a stupid waiting situation where I don’t even know if it would come to anything!

So I was free to stop talking then again but because it’s the first time since I was with my first husband I found anyone that exciting I just accepted he would be unavailable for three weeks and I would just live my life and focus on other things. I really don’t want him to do anything FOR ME because neither I know him enough yet nor it’s a good tactic to make any important decisions for someone’s rather than your own sake, then you bring all your unprocessed legacy into the new relationship…

Decided to treat it as a break from dating, however yesterday Bumble suddenly told me my snooze (for a week) was over and went and did some swiping out of curiosity….but everyone just looks wrong to me now 🙄 (even though the iron looks wise not exactly to my taste, but I just felt so peaceful and “at home” next to him but also we laughed a lot too)

Anyway he is definitely already a friend whatever happens at the end of three weeks, but I feel like I might not want just friendship and if he still feels not ready to date I probably will have to move on. So far managed to get to a place where I moved beyond anxiety to a place of quiet optimism 🙂

Does anyone know why chat/ conversation would suddenly reappear on match? I had been chatting to someone for a couple of weeks before moving to WhatsApp and just before we met he vanished. I've since blocked and deleted him on WhatsApp but didn't need to do that on match as the conversation wasn't in my list anymore so I assumed he had deleted/blocked me or that he had deleted his profile. Today the conversation is back in my list of chats. I came across his profile a few days ago so it's not that he has been off and logged back on today. Thinking maybe he'd blocked me & for some reason has unblocked me. Don't know why else the chat would have reappeared?

Ohhh that's a strange one ?
My only thought is that account was deleted
The re registered ??

@librauk thanks for the reply. I had assumed he had maybe met someone else and deleted his profile when he vanished but then a few days ago I came across him again and curiosity got the better of me and clicked on it which I know I shouldn't have done but helpfully he'd changed the photos around and one is not great at all so that was good in that it helped me move on 😆

But now today the chat has re-appeared. I've googled it and it does look like you block and then unblock on match so am thinking that's maybe what he has done. Either that or it's just a glitch on the site.

I don't need anyone messing with my head so know I should just delete it myself. Last thing I need is him popping back up again.

The scheduling of the date - not too far in advance might be the trick and I guess the way to navigate is to not bother much when you know you won’t be child free. I’m taking an app break this week and going to continue to msg one seemingly normal fella. If it doesn’t result in a date later this week, I’ll go back on. He has his kids all week.

Yeah I think this might be a sort of solution?

I'm unsure when I should go back on.
I'm still feeling sad about Mr Shy, but at the same time I do want to try again and not sit and dwell 🤷🏼‍♀️

That’s what I was going to say…

It’s so hard isn’t it, I’d say tonight might be a good shout? I’m thinking kids may have gone back to their mums in some cases and you might get a flurry?

I need to be brave and next msg I send to nice guy is going to be a breezy “so, I’m planning next weekend, I’m busy xyz but free here and here, shall we go for that …” urgh it’s making me so anxious about getting another rejection but I’d say better to rip that band aid off than waste another week. I am going to also say something like (and in a breezy way! 😂), once I set plans, I will only cancel if there’s an emergency with work, one of my kids etc… I think balls to it now!

@Bestlife18 do it, take control!!!! If I have learnt anything over the past couple months it's that you won't get anywhere if you don't ask!

Yep and actually, he might be decent, I’m gonna work it in and then probably be sat crying into a gin again after I get ghosted again 😭😂

@Bestlife18 I hope you don't get ghosted. Some men are raised in families where refusing to communicate equals communication and being cold and unfeeling is thought as 'strong'.

But that type of (non) communication has nothing to do with us. If a guy is cold or he ghosts and even if it works, this would probably show up as an issue in other aspects of a relationship.

Normal decent people can communicate and say "Hey, I like you but at the moment I'm unable to give our connection time and effort it deserves"

So many lovely ladies on this thread work on themselves and on their life. A lot of men (and do correct me if I'm wrong) just don't go to therapy or get introspective.

There's no much point in being with someone cold where you have to anticipate and worry about pleasing him if you fundamentally need love and affection.

Yes I agree with all of this!
I've been having trauma therapy recently for soemthing inrelated and whenever I say "what if@ the therapist pulls me up. Because my "what if" is always negative. What if it actually works out? Isn't there just as much chance?

Look at me being all positive! I'm about to go and cry into my ironing over my lack of love life 😂🙈

That's a good way to think about it. My 'what ifs' are also negatives at times. So it's a different way to perhaps be hopeful about it.

And I totally relate to you. I'm doing house jobs right now and crying about lack of my love life 🙈😅 You're not alone. We will all help each other when possible @blacksocks33

Just had a first date with a different guy- we will call him Mr F. I was attracted to him and we got on well. He asked for the second date while we were there and mentioned multiple times how he'd like to see me again. Only problem is, again, a big disparity in our incomes / lifestyles. I think I'm going to see him again but I don't know if that just outs the brakes on things immediately.

Also, he offered to walk me home and I said no thanks, then he mentioned he would have to wait for ages before his bus came...I didn't say much. Is this just him trying to get me to invite him to mine?

Just putting a little update on my second meeting with Friday date! Went out for a drink and some food, it was lovely to see him but initially felt a bit more awkward. He came back to mine (leave the rest to your imagination) but was incredible! Weirdly, my only concern was he seemed a little too eager (not in a love bombing way) but more he was really excited about the prospect of us and even mentioned deleting the app we met on! After having initial butterflies, I felt really claustrophobic and started saying why I'm not a great prospect as a partner and I needed to take things really slow! Don't know whether I'm self sabotaging and should give him a chance. I'm just so worried about making a wrong mistake, like a I did with an ex (he did say I needed to relax and just see how this goes)!! I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't with dating!

@friendswiththemonstera Perhaps he was just thinking outloud. But you did the right thing, I wouldn't want a walk home either.

Are you looking forward to your second date? You can just get to know him a bit better as you date him again. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

@Bestlife18 please just send the message, ask the question, ask for another date etc etc! The guys that like you won't care and it will weed out the time wasters xxx

@mumofoneanddone82 amazingly - I didn’t have to! He has just asked me! Thank goodness. Keep everything crossed now - just to have one that actually turns up!!

@cassiatwenty you literally just described my ex husband! In detail, totally narcissistic beep!!

@mumofoneanddone82 Ah glad you had a good time this Friday. I don't think it's self-sabotage as much as you considerately telling him to slow down a bit.

@mumofoneanddone82 try not to think of your ex, and how things went. He is a completely different person to this new one so it'll never be the same!
Just do what feels right for you right now!
Have you arranged a third date?

@Bestlife18 fantastic! You deserve this 🥰 where did you find him? Apps?

@friendswiththemonstera Perhaps it was a hint but as you didn't take it, good the he didn't push it. I'd go for another date if you like him. If he's generous in mind and heart, the income disparity may not become a huge issue.

@mumofoneanddone82 ahhh lovely! Sounds like one you can relax into and not overthink, as you both seem to be on the same page 😊😊😊

@blacksocks33 yeah match on the weekend. I went back on to try and move past last weeks mind f*ckery and he had messaged me about a week ago after I joined but I had missed or swiped but he seems normal. I haven’t dropped in and won’t yet that he works with my brother! Not close colleagues but he does actually do what he said he does! So that’s one bonus 😂

Ahhh nice! I have a good feeling for you this time ☺️
Do you have to pay for match? I've never used it before!
All these progress stories are making me feel like it's time to put Mr shy to bed now and rejoin ☺️

@blacksocks33 with Match, you have to pay to converse with anyone otherwise chats are all blurred out. Also paying means you can see who likes you. There can be offers for say £5 a month as a one off. I'm very dubious as I think there are 'planted' people there who message near the end of your paid period then when you pay, they don't reply. It's happened twice to me! Made me think its a con by Match!!!