Dating Thread 247

[SamW98]

Continued from 246

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Some of us pay for the second and third date too!
Which does get very expensive
I don't feel comfortable asking someone I have asked out to pay

Would you allow them if they insisted?

Yes, that would be fine
I would probably want to pay for the first date, but if they were insistant then that would be fine too

Coming back to a question from the last thread- I keep seeing "No baggage". It's an instant swipe left for me. It seems either like they haven't owned their part in past relationships or that they are judgemental about anyone who might have off days mental health wise. Just something about it comes off really negatively.

@friendswiththemonstera I absolutely agree with you

I was thinking the same having come across it in a profile the other night, a bloke said he had “no baggage”, if by a certain age you have no relationship history, kids etc then what?? Probably your only interest was “sleeping well”??!

In general calling someone’s life which made them into what they are now “baggage” is just sad, both for themselves and how they see others

I couldn’t agree more. Love me, love my baggage!

Good morning all, how is everyone feeling today?
I'm still feeling a bit down in the dumps and sad. Maybe no much about Mr shy personally (although still slightly), I think more because I'm back to square one and I was really starting feel excited about moving onto more secure dating :(
Think I'm going to get back on the saddle and rejoin tonight and try and be more positive this time.
I spent the whole time with Mr shy assuming he was going to ghost, and even though it didn't work out he never did ghost me!
I also am going to be more forward this time and if I do get any dates which go quiet I'm just going to take more control with it all instead of sitting waiting.
She says this anyway!.......

@blacksocks33 sorry you are feeling crap, it does knock your self esteem big time. I think the taking control attitude is great and I was going to pose a question to us all today which is - what can we do to stop this agree to meet, text for a week, then poof! I don’t know if there is anything we can do but there surely has to be something we can spot earlier on which might be a tell??

I am not sure I have the right answer... but I think a lot of the time I see people (incl myself) have the attitude, well if I've not heard from them they're not interested and they sit and stress and don't contact either. I think sometimes just calling that out, in a none forceful way, is more helpful.
It's easier saying they doing though isn't it.....

I have cancelled my date for tomorrow, blocked and reported to Bumble.

He contacted me today to see if I was home tonight, I said you’re not coming here. He got arsey - haven’t even met him. He then said about making a night of it and him booking somewhere. I replied that this isn’t happening and hope he finds what he is looking for. He was pushy and made me feel uncomfortable.

It’s really unnecessary.

What an absolute ahole, you had a lucky escape there!

I think @blacksocks33 being more direct is the way forward. I’m just so peed off about setting a date and then so many fizzling out before the time comes. The one for today disappeared!
I just wonder if there is some universal tell that these time wasters all have - what is it? I have found it’s worse with guys whose kids are grown up. In fact, I may have just answered my own question! The one who did turn up had a child, the other 4 who have vanished all had kids that had grown up. Wonder if they just want a woman who can tend to their every need and not want “baggage” as they are so keen to stress 😂

I'm so sad that you've had 2 disasters this bank holiday. It really takes its role doesn't it. And we're just sat left wondering... what's going on?!
And then feel bad about ourselves for not having a tough enough skin 😢 people not in the OLD world just don't get it either. There's no understanding of how extreme the ghosting is!

Maybe setting the dates closer to when asking to give less time for it to fizzle out?

I also think we have to be very mindful that whilst there's plenty of time waters on OLD, surely they all can't be like that 🤷🏼‍♀️

I haven't posted for a while but read every day. Sadly, so many of us seem to experience the same thing over and over again. I had a date with a man a week or so ago. He seemed really nice and messaged before I even got home. He said he had a lovely time and would I like to meet again. We arranged a date for 8 days later, continued to chat everyday and then 2 days before the date poof he's gone. No explanation just ghosted me.

I have come off the apps for a break it was just getting on my nerves. I am speaking to 2 blokes away from the apps but I don't really think they will go anywhere.

Like most of you have said there most be something that gives these time wasters away.

Ha ha a deliveroo date. I was offered one of those before I had a name for it.
I asked him if he had a tag on...was under house arrest. He assured me he was a free man. I didn't go obvs

I have a bit of an update, Mr BJ guy texted my number instead as I’d blocked him on WhatsApp. Didn’t like that I’d blocked him and was a bit like I can’t believe you did that in such a cocky way. Apparently she was fine me seeing it and in his words swings both ways and they both want a threesome with me.

The ex has been in contact but just friendly vibes. I like being his mate though and doesn’t hurt as much when his face pops up on my screen.

The 8 years younger guy has been back in contact and apologised about not being in contact as he’s been hosting Easter and been with family. He said he was a family person so that’s a bonus. We’ve said we’ll go on a date next week, so will see how it goes. Don’t want to get my hopes up but he’s ticking the boxes atm

OLD allows people to treat others as disposable, as they know there are literally hundreds more to match with if they just log back on to the apps again!

I tend to find matching, chatting and meeting within 3 days, at least for the first date, means for me, it usually happens. I tend not to go online as much in the middle of the 2 week gap in my childfree time, as I don't really like texting loads (and getting too invested) before meeting.

I met Mr Local for a couple of drinks last night a 10 minute walk from home. I didn't immediately fancy him, though he was nice enough. He asked about a second date while we were there, and I'll probably go to see if feelings develop.

I take a break quite regularly from the apps. I think it’s good to give yourself headspace and not get to invested as they are strangers. I have met 6 guys over the last year. 2 decent ones. 2 didn’t look like their pics. 1 a bit sex obsessed. 1 crazy. I will say I have had quite a bit of therapy and know what I will/wont tolerate. Sometimes it hurts when my expectations aren’t met. I think it’s easy for people to look at this thread and think single life is awful for me the freedom is the best part and I wouldn’t go back to my unhappy marriage!

@blacksocks33 sorry just catching up. I'm so sorry to hear about this. I know this won't help In the moment but it is not you it is him. Without sounding wishy washy this is the universe telling you to hold out to find someone who makes you feel amazing and not feel all this uncertainty xxx sending a massive hug (sorry late to the part didn't realise we'd moved onto a new thread) xxx

Awww thank you ❤️
I'm doing that thing today where I think... maybe I was too quiet or not forward and thinking of all his good points and not the bad 🙈
But yeah, I'm hindsight there was so much uncertainty and that was very stressful for me.
But I hope you're right, I'm SO ready to share my life with someone.
How's things with you?

@blacksocks33 very similar happened to the first guy I spoke with on bumble. We spoke for 7 weeks and met 3 times in that time. Got in really well messaged loads, spoke on the phone for hours...then he announced the day before I was due to go round there and take things further (we had kissed but that was it to that point) that he didn't know if he was ready for a relationship and even though he really liked me, he didn't want to lead me on and could we have a break of a few weeks chatting.

It taught me how much I was ready to be with someone..as i was also really upset.
He did message me again a couple of weeks later and in the last month since he asked to take a break we now message most days but only a few messages at a time instead of 60 plus per day and we have spoken on the phone once. We are actually meeting for a coffee next weekend but are now firmly in the friend zone and I am still seeing how things go with Mr ITW.

What I am trying to say is look at your experience as a positive it has helped you realise that you do want to be with someone and now take things from there.

@2anddone being friendly in the friendzone with that Bumble guy, is it coming from you or him? Do you actually need him as a friend, why did you keep him on?
Just curious because it reminds me a little of my current situation...

@RadiantRainbow it's actually coming from us both! We both got on so well and admitted that it has been a very long time since we have met anyone who we can talk to the way we do each other. He lives 45 miles from me so I don't bump into him and we would have to make an effort to meet up which is great because we do t then fall into the pattern of texting all day and chatting all evening etc.
I won't lie I was going to block him when he messaged and asked for a break of a few weeks...then decided I would give him 10 days and if I hadn't heard then I would...he messaged after 7!
I never messaged him first as he asked for the break and the chat is no different to what you would have with an old friend...absolutely nothing sexual just chat and banter!
We realised even though we both weren't going to be together we didn't want to lose each other as friends so this is how we are at the moment...may not message for long term..may not have a blip if we were to meet up drinking and end up kissing...but know that we are definitely just friends!

@RadiantRainbow what's your current situation?