Dating Thread 247

[SamW98]

Continued from 246

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I’ve come off all of the apps - my heart isn’t in it

I haven’t experienced the emotional rollercoaster many of you seem to, I just find the whole experience tedious and boring.

I’ve come to the realisation OLD just isn’t for me. I don’t enjoy chatting to random strangers online. And the men on my age range don’t excite me enough to get past a few days messaging before I lose interest.

@Tillievanilly O hope you’ve blocked him. Joking about kidnapping and being a copper is awful.

@blacksocks33 hope you’re feeling ok, it’s always hard

@Loopylooni I dunno. I always feel bad because most blokes pay on the first date when I've gone out with them! It must be an expensive do for them too!

Really sorry so many of you lovely lot are feeling down. It's so tough for so many different reasons. I totally relate to the thing about being actively single @Loopylooni and just being able to focus on my life, totally thought I was happy. Then I start OLD and plagued with anxiety to the point that I am wondering if I was really happy previously or just in massive denial.

I follow a dating coach on social media and she talks about just focusing on what you want/ feel/ need. So when you go on the first date or in the lead up to it rather than worrying about whether they will like you only think about whether you will like them. I mean easier said than done maybe but I feel like my most recent date I almost managed to do that but we met up quickly and it was very apparent he wasn't for me so easier to do.

Sorry to hear that @SamW98, but you sound really sorted so if it's not working for you totally get that you would stop. Is it worth trying real life single type events?

@blacksocks33 I know you are having a break but when you put your profile back up maybe it's worth being really specific about what you are looking for if you aren't already? So fellow board game lover etc? Hope you have something nice planned for today.

Yeah I totally get what you're saying.
OLD is hard work and I think the longer you've been on it the more tedious it feels!
I feel like writting on my bio... NO GHOSTERS or COMMITMENT AVOIDERS or NOBHEADS or PEOPLE WHI CANT REPLY!

But maybe that's a bit stand offish 🙈

@Mckittens yeah you're right! I am in the process of trying to become more forward. I think I definitely have a better idea of the type of person I want! Definitely don't want a laddy-lad or big drinker or anyone on that scene. Just someone who has their own independence and likes the simple things!

I think I'll try again later this week once the dust settles. I gained a bit of confidence going on dates recently so don't want to loose that I guess....

@Mckittens

Tbh the idea of singles events fills me with horror.

I think I’d rather just get on with living my life and if it happens it happens.

Ive got such a busy life anyway. I’m out today, got birthday parties the next two weekends, a week in Greece booked for June - I’m happy with my life to know I don’t need a man to fill a gap.

Tbh I started talking to the guy from 18 months ago and he just irritated me - a 53 year old man telling me he’s woken up with morning glory and sprays Creed now his pants so his cock smells fresh 🤢 oh bore off mate.

Wishing good luck to all of you. I’ll carry on lurking to read your updates

@Mckittens what you’ve said is so very true. I was so nervous before a date on Thursday to the point of almost throwing up. But then when I got to the date, despite us having talked a few times on the phone and him being a very confident businessman, it was so so clear that he was actually nervous too and I think that sometimes we forget that.

Thanks for the new thread! Some shocking men (bj pic and police joking about kidnapping), hope you at least block (or report to the app).

Thanks for the new thread @SamW98.

Sorry to hear how your date panned out @blacksocks33. Good to hear that he told you outright and didn’t just ghost, so you know to move on.

@Pepsimaxedout I take breaks from OLD every now and then, and find it helpful for my well-being as it can be quite intense. Since splitting with my ex in June 2021, I originally joined OLD in July 2023, did it until September, when I left everything. I rejoined OLD during Christmas holidays, think I’m going to come off it in the next few weeks if no joy.

@ScouseMouse86 that man will do the same thing to you; I wouldn’t touch him if I were you.

So my same day date yesterday turned out to be what my friend terms a “Deliveroo date”. As in the man expects you to deliver yourself, enjoy you, then leave! Minimal expense and effort on his part. An hour before we were due to meet, he texted saying he was “tired from the gym”, and would I come to his house for a cup of tea first before we go on to the bar. I made it clear that I’d only be willing to meet in a public place, then I never heard from him again! Went out with a friend for an impromptu dinner and drinks instead, which was good fun.

So sorry to hear that @SamW98, I fully understand where you are coming from. The friend I went out with last night has been doing OLD on and off for about 15 years, and gave up a few years ago. I’ve almost reached that point myself.

Any better news from your date @mumofoneanddone82?

Checking in. Happy Easter everyone. Let’s hope spring and summer, warmth and longer days, bring out the best in everyone 😊🐣💐

This is what it does to me too, messes with your self esteem too. After Friday’s late cancellation, heard nothing back so he must be full of bs! Then the one I had plans to see tomorrow has disappeared too!

The flakiness is driving me crazy. I did hit the app again though and have revisited some I discounted. One guy seems normal and nice so we shall see.

@Bestlife18 oh I'm sorry :( have you chased Monday guy up at all?
I think next time there's no way I'm sitting about wondering, for my own sanity! I'm going to do my best to be more forward, in a none pushy way obviously 🙈
I still feel really sad today, but I kinda feel like I just want to get back on the saddle! I don't want to feel defeated, I'm really ready to meet someone!

@Mckittens Really sorry so many of you lovely lot are feeling down. It's so tough for so many different reasons. I totally relate to the thing about being actively single @Loopylooniand just being able to focus on my life, totally thought I was happy. Then I start OLD and plagued with anxiety to the point that I am wondering if I was really happy previously or just in massive denial

I feel exactly the same! Only now when there is proper investment I got to the point of anxiety, I did three years of psychology and therapy studies and know very well that a relationship is supposed to enhance your life, not give meaning to your life, and if you are an adult with a sorted life it's not even supposed to be able to destabilise you.
But it's easy to say and very different when actually for me it's the FIRST TIME I felt "at home" with someone since early years of dating my first husband when I was 18.

It's not that my life wasn't good enough before that, I reached a really good point (apart from being very horny with nowhere to apply it haha) but also I guess I didn't believe in a possibility of a properly meaningful relationship for myself any more or maybe didn't believe that I could meet a man who I could find truly exciting...and then finding one like that and realising that I only "didn't need a relationship" until the person came along who changed my mind about it, feeling slightly like I have grown little wings and then having to put it all on hold and wait is so difficult.

The only thing I suppose which makes my position easier than of most on here is that he very very clearly did say it was either me or no one else, so he made his feelings and interest very very clear but also made clear he had the rest of the aftermath of his previous relationship break up to sort out and process and that he needed time for it and didn't feel like he could ask me to wait.
And that there would be no communication while he is away visiting family. Plus there are other complications like jobs, distance, age gaps etc....but I think once you are over 35-40 no one comes without "complications". And I feel that I cannot "not wait", I literally cannot imagine now going and looking on purpose for someone else.
Also at the same time I have a "gut feeling" that by the end of April it will work out as in we could continue dating, it's just getting through these several weeks without questioning myself or feeling like I am deluding myself, and then not looking back and blaming myself even if it doesn't work out after all.

Anyway, there are ways to deal with anxiety via engaging your parasympathetic system and I have to regularly apply them otherwise emotions brought up by dating would be all I would be thinking about. Actually having a good old cry @blacksocks33 is very very beneficial, definitely never suppress tears - it's your body's most natural way of releasing stress.

Anyway, advice for everyone to deal with anxiety - apply all or some of these, they definitely help:

https://www.forbes.com/sites/womensmedia/2021/04/15/what-the-vagus-nerve-is-and-how-to-stimulate-it-for-better-mental-health/?sh=24a9105d6250

The ideal I am regularly trying to reach, and something which would help all of us, I think, is instead of feeling anxious about uncertainty trying to see unpredictability of it all with with anticipation and curiosity, like you are about to turn a new page on your life each day and you can just feel something good is brewing for you there, you just don't know what it is, but you trust that's it's somehow going to be in your favour, even though sometimes you would only be able to see it eventually, with hindsight...

So however difficult it is with that attitude you could always help yourself reframe that things not working out with someone you felt attraction to could only mean that they wouldn't be good for you fundamentally/long term and that them going has freed up the space for someone better 😍and each experience isn't wasted because teaches us something, or potentially spares us a worse experience! we are just not aware of it...

@RadiantRainbow aww thank you! A lot of inspiration on what you've said 🥰
I have shed a lot of tears today. I'm not even sure that all the tears relate to this person because I definitely didn't feel as strongly about him as I feel sad now 🙈
I think that I was just getting my head around enjoying having someone to spend my time with and to text about life etc. But there was also a big gap in communication which I didn't like. In hindsight a chat about feelings should've come well before the 5th date! And the more I think about our date yesterday and how weird he was (compared to the evening before) the more annoyed I get. Why couldn't he just have said something before I went round?! Ah well, coulda woulda shoulda!
I think I'm just most sad about having to let go of the thought that it was finally happening for me..... again 😞
Not sure if anyone relates to what I'm saying! It's a tough game the dating world!
Todays just going to be a right off. Hopefully tomorrow will be better!

Mr Sneaker is sending so many selfies. Like 2 or 3 a day. My friends say I am being miserable and he is just trying to connect with me as we're not having our third date for another 3 weeks (due to holidays).

I think in the early stages I am always thinking "what is wrong with this person that they like me" 😂

@friendswiththemonstera on "what's wrong with me that they like me", that is specifically addressed in this podcast, I really recommend it, I listened to it yesterday - to be honest I had studied it all at length and knew what they were talking about, though there was still a couple of new ideas for me...but actually it's such a good podcast for ANYONE dating, I urge everyone on this thread to give it a go(find it on your podcast apps)

https://lewishowes.com/podcast/matthew-hussey-i-wish-i-knew-this-when-i-was-single-how-to-heal-the-1-pattern-blocking-love/

I've listened to Matthew Hussey before- in fact I feel like I've listened to just about every bit of advice going! The problem is that no amount of theory can change how you actually feel, can it. The selfies bug me..am I just being miserable though as my friends say?

@friendswiththemonstera it depends! If it feels like he is being a little needy and asking for validation where you are not on the same wavelength yet where you are ready to give him that, then I can see where it might feel a bit uncomfortable.

I think if you really liked him and missed him you would welcome the selfies, but it just reads as a mismatch in enthusiasm at this stage and I can see being put out by too many selfies.

To be honest if my guy with whom we have a clearcut mutual interest was sending me three selfies a day I probably would start feeling a little uneasy too! He only sent one unprompted selfie this whole time, over a month of knowing each other and a couple more at my request. I probably sent more unprompted ones hahah, but also probably no more than 5 in the whole 4 weeks...

@friendswiththemonstera would you prefer if he arranged a phone call to sending selfies? Do you have an opportunity to connect in different ways or he feels like he can't text or ring and so him sending selfies is what he feels reduced to as the only way to keep the connection going?

We do text, the selfies are usually a way of saying "this is what I'm up to". I just find them a bit keen and I absolutely hate sending selfies but it feels awkward not to. I never know what to say when i receive them. He's sent maybe 8 or 9 total but in the last few days definitely seems to have somehow got the impression he should send more!

@friendswiththemonstera I definitely wouldn't ever send a selfie back if I didn't want to! Also you if you don't like receiving them (I only reacted by putting a reaction emoji on) I would just leave them without comment of any kind and he'd get the hint eventually that you aren't enthusiastic about getting them.

@SamW98 I'm sorry. It's not you. OLD is brutal for the most part. I felt completely broken by it last Christmas and January, 2024. It's normal and even healthy to give yourself a break or step back completely if/when you need to.

Speaking of Hussey, I just watched this short clip by Dr Julie Smith on relationships

https://youtube.com/shorts/BT3_eao6hTk?feature=shared

I hope it works.