The famous 'how are you?' text from the ex...

[PiningPenelope]

Bf and I broke up after a fight last week. I wanted to work things through, he decided end it. I handled it with what I could muster of dignity and accepted his decision.

He's since been responding to my social media Stories, sent the odd message. Then went quiet for a couple of days as I didn't want to accept breadcrumbs and was in a lot of pain.

Then this morning I get 'How are you?'

Now, have any ladies on here ever successfully reconciled with an ex from this place? I am interested in reconciliation but I don't want to beg for someone who doesn't want me.

But I'm worried if I don't respond to him, he will think I've moved on.

Any advice how to respond to the 'How are you?' when the hope is reconciliation?

In my reasonably extensive experience... when a man jumps back in with the "how are you?" text, you can quite confidently interpret that as "I want sex".

Another thing that I used to do when I was in these kind of situations (and I reccomend) is to change their name on my phone.
I used all the below, changing it from time to time depending on how I felt:

• ass*ole
• HE DUMPED ME
• small dick energy
• Selfish Bastard
• Booty Call Incoming
• Moving Forward
• Emotional Unavailable Man

It would make me stops in my tracks if I felt like getting in touch / and make me laugh if I received communication and needed to *remember

I did this! It's genius, instead of softening at his name it just made me laugh and go "fuck no"

And remember OP.. all of us responding aren't doing it because we want a drama or to make you a man hater. We're doing it because we've been there, some of us several times. And we know how it goes. We've felt the longing and the loss of dignity, the settling for crumbs and not moving on, while they Keep. Doing. The. Same. Thing. Until our confidence is in tatters and there is so much more rebuilding to do.
Than if we'd got rid in the first place

"Hi, I accepted the end to our relationship and would like to move forward, I need space for that so I'm going to ask you to please not contact me for the next three months, thanks for respecting my wishes"

If you take him back you're setting a very very low bar. He knows that he can dump you, treat you like dirt and you will always come back. Don't go there. Find someone who is going to respect you.

@dullestofall - small dick energy.

that's my favourite one 😂😅😂

Haha
yes
addiing

• fuck no to the list

but hope I will never have to fo this again

Mine is Booty Call Incoming 😆

I actually changed his name a few days ago to

'Don't answer it's just his ego calling'

And then yesterday I deleted his contact altogether. Felt he didn't deserve the importance..

That’s bloody brilliant! That’s a massively big step you’ve taken to putting your healing first. In the least patronising way possible, bloody well done you!

Well done! Remember you offered to work at it, he chose to just end it. As brutal as that is, he made that choice and as a consequence he is no longer any of your concern. Your focus is on you. And what you need.

Congratulations!!!!

@PiningPenelope

I'm in a very similar situation to you and similar time frame - it's been 10 days!

Yesterday I deleted his contact.

He then messaged to ask if I'd blocked him as on his WhatsApp my picture had disappeared.

I said "No"

He replied some jokey comments.

I then decided to take control and ask him to let me go and be able to move on.

He responded with his decision he still thinks is best, a part of him will always love me and he hopes that one day the world brings us back together!

Omg how to mess with my head!!!!!

@Orchidlie22 what an ego he has! The world has far better for you.

@Orchidlie22 oh babe! What a prick! Reading your message has just reaffirmed that everyone telling me in here not to reply to anything is totally right! Well done for taking back your power! Now block him! 😂

On the upside I've volunteered for a last minute work trip this weekend to a European city! Way to take my mind off things!

Fabulous! just what you need! 🤗

OP - congratulations! This hurts like hell but the only way to get better is to move forward and not give such people ANY supply.

I was madly in love with my ex, he was madly in love with me, too, I was obviously The One. He broke up with me very coldly after 5 years, but still wanted to be friends because we had ‘so much history together’. Zero regards for my feelings. I declined and decided to go full no contact. 1 week later he was spotted on dating sites 😂.

He had made several hoovering attempts since, saying that he had changed and wanted to apologise for his behaviour. I finally (and stupidly) agreed to see him after a few years - I felt my heart was healed and I thought I was ready to be on friendly terms. He apologised, was excited, very chatty, flirty, I thought this is weird. He sent me a many texts afterwards - all borderline flirty. My replies were friendly but nothing more and I was just about to text him and suggest there’s no need for us to stay in frequent touch and that im confused about his intentions when boom: he left a very cheerful message saying that he was engaged! But I meant SO much for him.
Afterwards, I had to do all the hard emotional work again to stop feeling angry with him, and disappointed with myself for falling into this trap again.

Sorry for this long story but please learn from my mistake: once they choose to be gone, they need to STAY gone. They had their chance. These jo-jo men are worst type: messing up your inner peace to feed their ego.
Always look forward!

@Letsbepractical that's a sad story.
Must have been so tough to get over!

Morning all, little update..just wondered how long it normally takes to genuinely feel a bit better? I keep having really strong heart palpitations. I'm eating normally again and carrying on with work / trying to keep busy. But it feels fake, like a facade. And inside I just feel like such crap. I keep thinking 'tomorrow you will be full of rage and you'll be able to have a fuck off, life's short, let's crack on attitude'..but it doesn't come. I just feel, depressed.

Go and see a dr

Well they say fake it until you make it! It’s not easy at all though.

My last break up it took me at least about 6 weeks before I stopped randomly crying when I thought of him .

It helped that I didn’t contact him at all though and asked him not to contact me - I don’t think he would’ve anyway as he wasn’t happy I ended things but he’s not the type to cross boundaries and I know he doesn’t keep in touch with exes.

Make sure you’re eating well, getting enough sleep and exercising /walking daily, catching up with friends - maybe even book a holiday?

Try doing deep breathing exercises - I find them really calming.

And I agree that seeing a doctor wouldn’t be a bad idea.

@PiningPenelope I've been taking propranolol each morning to help with that anxious feeling. I'd 100% recommend it. I've not cried for the last day so hope I'm turning a corner.

Feeling better will vary from person to person and it does happen eventually.
Hang in there.
If you feel like there is a hole inside you, do your best filling the hole with self care and activities that are healthy and meaningful / good for you.
Grieving is part of the process, there is no shame in that.
And you are better off single than with a man who dumped you.

You dont need to be happy and perfect 24/7 - celebrate the smallest things, the daily things that you did not bat an eye lid before:

• brushed your teeth
• shower
• clean clothes
• healthy eating
• exercise even if it is 5 minutes round the block
• etc

Tell yourself: ‘well done sweetheart, you are doing great, I’m so proud of you’ every time you do anything good for yourself. Talk to yourself, treat yourself like you would do to a daughter going through the same thing.

Set little goals for yourself, little challenges, ie:

• 5 days of yoga at home at exactly the same time everyday
• one new meal recipe per week
• half A4 page of journaling for a month every day before bed

Start a new book, watch movies, go out with friends, join an arts and crafts class, join the gym, go to the theatre

What are the things / hobbies you always wanted to do but never started for some reason? Or gave up?

Is it time to redecorate your home?
Get a new haircut?
Clear out old clothes, underwear, shoes?

The most important thing is don’t feel sad for being sad, it is normal and okay and necessary and it can teach you so much and it is preparing you for the next relationship if you choose to be with someone else again. And I’m sure the next one will be better.

Many years ago, I stupidly allowed myself to be strung along like this for over a year. He cheated, broke up with me and then about 4 weeks later he started with the odd 'like' on social media etc...eventually the 'how are you?' text arrived and I felt such a rush of joy. I was hurting and miserable and sad without him (yeah, yeah, I know!!) and all of a sudden he was back, all would be well, right?! We worked for the same large company (different sites) so we didn't need to see each other or converse at all as our jobs didn't intercept but he started appearing in my work inbox etc. We eventually talked and he was all teary and full of regrets and I even stupidly began to think I could trust him again...until a colleague told me he was actually STILL seeing the person he'd cheated with!

I think after a breakup, regret and nostalgia can be part of the process of moving on and that causes some people to contact their former partners but in reality, those are rarely trustworthy feelings. I'd steer well clear. The decision has been made, your heart isn't there to be played with.

They say whenever you break up with someone you will usually mourn the person for a quarter of the time you were together, I was with my ex 4 years so mourned him for a year. It was hard. Sorry for not sounding very promising but yes, you will be in pain for a while and there’s nothing you can do besides self care,exercise, fun activities to distract you, making new friends and enjoying life as much as you can. Aka: moving on with your life. The pain is real, you will mourn this man, it’s ok and further down the line you’ll feel much better. Hugs.

stay away from drugs and alcohol during this time.