Row with DH because he still hasn’t told his family that we’re expecting a baby

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I’m 16 weeks pregnant and started to show, it’s quite obvious. I tried to approach the subject about telling his family yesterday. We’re married and he always wanted a baby, so they’d be delighted. However, he is a very private person. He doesn’t like to share much about his life with anyone (although he’s very close with them and calls his parents and also siblings at least once per week..,but only chitchat and making sure they’re alright, he never talks about himself) it took a year for him to tell them that we’re dating and - after we got engaged five years in - several months to tell them that we’re engaged.

I start to feel really uncomfortable engaging with his family without them knowing about the pregnancy, partly because (in my mind) it’s bloody obvious when looking at my belly. So now I feel I either have to avoid going to family outings, or come up with stupid excuse after excuse (‘oh god, I’m so bloated today’, ‘it’s a bit cold in here so I’d rather keep my coat on’).

Anyway, DH got really upset when I tried to explain my situation. He says I’m putting pressure on him and that he didn’t interfere with how and when I tell my own family. He said that I know that he would tell them ‘before May’ (he’s made this timeline clear before) so now he feels I just want to start a fight with him for no reason. He then threatened to call them straight away (it was almost midnight), I had to physically grab the phone and apologise..,I blamed pregnancy hormones and told him that I was unreasonable, but I’m not sure if I was?

He slept in the spare room, doesn’t talk to me, and says that he will tell them now today because I have destroyed his plans of how he wanted to tell them and it doesn’t matter anymore now.

When you say he had plans on when to tell his family, is there an event, like a birthday or family occasion in May that he might be waiting for to make the announcement, and he hasn't articulated that to you?
Thats the only explanation I can think of to be honest.

I don’t know how he thinks he’s going to cope with a child challenging him esp when they hit the teenage years.

He can’t blow up and sulk them he needs to grow up.

He is going to really struggle with fatherhood then. Really struggle and if he is unable or unwilling to see that his behaviour is harmful to those around him, then, well, I think I’d be seriously thinking about ending this relationship. But the worry then would be if the child had to spend time alone with him without the OP there.

Don’t cancel any plans like meeting SIL for coffee. Tell him ‘I’m seeing SIL today and she will very likely know I’m pregnant, I’m 16 weeks and it’s hard to hide now. Do you want to drop your mum a quick call/text first?’

Or you tell SIL how he’s being and ask her not to say until he is ready, if she has questions tell her to ask him.

He is being utterly ridiculous and it does give major red flags that he flies off the handle like that. Would he be open to speaking to his GP about it? With the angle of you’re about to enter a stressful situation anyway and he cannot be flying off the handle every time it gets challenging. It’s about to get a whole lot of challenging and he can’t be acting like a spoilt toddler in front of your child. I’d keep a diary of every time he shouts at you to be honest, if you see it in black and white, maybe you will start to realise this is no way to live. If you’re that willing to cancel plans, hide your bump etc then there is an element of you being scared of his reaction. Which is not normal.

Sometimes I hate MN because so so often you hear these stories and we just know it's not going to end well for the woman involved. That the man's controlling, abusive behaviour is just going to get worse. And there is nothing that the rest of us, as a bunch of randoms on the internet, can do about it.

He sulks, he throws tantrums, he punishes you if you ever dare to question him? There is literally no world in which having a baby with this man is going to work out for you. I understand you're unlikely to be ready to hear this, but please, don't stop posting and do keep thinking and at the very least, if you can, start thinking about what you'd need to do to protect yourself - Ito work, finances etc.

I'd also be very worried about the safety of the child, when he is sleep-deprived and the baby won't stop crying or if he is faced with a defiant toddler. Will he lose his temper then?

He sounds horrible and like a fucking weirdo, frankly.

I disagree. If she's starting to show it's becoming farcical. Who tells their family at 5 months pregnant?!

He sounds quite manipulative and controlling with his huff about you ruining the way he planned to announce it and his threat to phone at midnight then sleeping in the other room. Bit emotionally abusive if you ask me. Very immature.

Because his way doesn't work? Goodness knows what he's got built up in his mind about it, but it rather looks like he wants absolute control about when he tells his family, as was the case when he and OP were engaged. His problem, however, is that it cannot be within his absolute control because nature is getting in the way and betraying what is happening. Why does OP have to go along with this silly charade?

It's a bit much to share vefore 20 weeks unless it's affecting work, if you are high risk or need more support. BUT that he's so unsupportive about this and the anger issues .... definite run for the hills scenario

I know a few women who have waited until 20 weeks to tell family, after their anomaly scan and they know everything is okay. Could it be that? Do you know the reason why he wanted to wait?
Honestly I'd tell him I won't hide my bump nor lie about being pregnant so he needs to tell them before they question why he didn't

He slept in the spare room, doesn’t talk to me, and says that he will tell them now today because I have destroyed his plans of how he wanted to tell them and it doesn’t matter anymore now.

Has he explained what exactly his plans were about his special way of telling them that could not happen before 30th April?

Thing is tho, she’s the pregnant one. It not 50/50 in pregnancy. I would have been upset if my husband dictated how I told people. We had agreed to wait for 12 weeks, but I felt sick and needed to share with colleagues, so I did. I didn’t consult… he’s not the one who wants to be comforted and excused at work. His family, we will tell together, but if it had been a question of me lying or making excuses… well no. I would have insisted we well.

Personally, the issue is less about him wanting to keep it quiet - lots of people want to keep pregnancy news to themselves until 20 weeks or so. It's more about his over reaction to being challenged, the sulking, the tantrums and his insistence that you are not allowed to ever have any kind of say over what he does or how he behaves. That's going to make a relationship hard, and parenting almost impossible.

This is covert control and I’d be very wary of the road ahead with him.

I wouldn’t do this. It’s totally disingenuous ( in fact an outright lie) and is only going to piss everyone off.

Just explain DH you are happy to let him tell in his own time but that you think you are beginning to show and they may feel hurt if they realise. But don’t nag him anymore.

Point out to him that if it gets to the point that they ask you can’t deny it ( they will only ask if certain, else it’s like calling you fat ) and if they do you will just have to say yes but DH had wanted to wait with the “ surprise”. If they think it’s silly that a bowling ball up your jumper is a “ surprise” that’s his business.

But just let it go for now. Some pregnancies can be insecure and so people wait until the 20 week scan at least so it won’t be the weirdest thing to ever happen.

That's rather a large red flag which you are going to need to address. How is he going to be if you don't agree with his choice of name, or if thinks you should bottle feed when you want to breastfeed, or he doesn't think he should have to change nappies or do night calls? Let alone on issues like you going back to work, choice of schools etc.

Maybe consider some couples counselling?

He sounds a bit like a petulant child. I would be concerned about his behaviour long term.

Yes. He made you complicit in lying by omission- fine if you’re not seeing his family but if you see them, then how are you meant to hide a growing bump?!

What implications will his attitude have once the baby is born. Will you have to hide more stuff etc…

I don't see a problem. If he let's you do as you want, but has a strange aversion to discussing what he wants, then just go ahead and let your SIL know. It's not your problem that he hasn't told them.
However, if he gets angry that they heard it from you, then that does mean he is being controlling. That does mean that after all, he was expecting you to change what you say and do with people to accommodate his wishes.
Just tell him straight that his hiding it until May is unrealistic. Point out that you meet his Dsis weekly, and you are not going to change that or hide away from them so it's going to be bloody obvious.
I suspect though that he is controlling, it's just been by stealth so far and you haven't seen or noticed it. You are already making excuses on his behalf. That is concerning.

What a sulky baby he is. Absurd.

I’m worried about this disproportionate anger. That’s a sign of possible narcissism. Any ‘correction’ or disagreement, even mild about something trivial, will be met with insane anger because their fragile ego cannot stand the slightest hint they’re wrong.

My ex once got in a scary strop about something so trivial, it was ridiculous. His anger was beyond anything any reasonable person would feel. I’m really concerned your partner might have traits like this. Mine lost his rag completely when I was pregnant - again over something utterly trivial. They don’t function like normal people. Be very careful.

He sounds deluded - doesn’t he realise it’s going to be obvious whether he tells them or not? Is he expecting you to hide away until May?

He is putting you in an absolutely ridiculous situation now that you're showing. I agree just wear something really fitted next time you see them, that'll resolve it.