Row with DH because he still hasn’t told his family that we’re expecting a baby

[Newusername7]

I’m 16 weeks pregnant and started to show, it’s quite obvious. I tried to approach the subject about telling his family yesterday. We’re married and he always wanted a baby, so they’d be delighted. However, he is a very private person. He doesn’t like to share much about his life with anyone (although he’s very close with them and calls his parents and also siblings at least once per week..,but only chitchat and making sure they’re alright, he never talks about himself) it took a year for him to tell them that we’re dating and - after we got engaged five years in - several months to tell them that we’re engaged.

I start to feel really uncomfortable engaging with his family without them knowing about the pregnancy, partly because (in my mind) it’s bloody obvious when looking at my belly. So now I feel I either have to avoid going to family outings, or come up with stupid excuse after excuse (‘oh god, I’m so bloated today’, ‘it’s a bit cold in here so I’d rather keep my coat on’).

Anyway, DH got really upset when I tried to explain my situation. He says I’m putting pressure on him and that he didn’t interfere with how and when I tell my own family. He said that I know that he would tell them ‘before May’ (he’s made this timeline clear before) so now he feels I just want to start a fight with him for no reason. He then threatened to call them straight away (it was almost midnight), I had to physically grab the phone and apologise..,I blamed pregnancy hormones and told him that I was unreasonable, but I’m not sure if I was?

He slept in the spare room, doesn’t talk to me, and says that he will tell them now today because I have destroyed his plans of how he wanted to tell them and it doesn’t matter anymore now.

I feel exactly the same way as you do. Angry for the op and so frustrated because we know exactly how it's going to play out for her. I am also fed the fuck up of the legions of posters who cry "he clearly has autism", "he's ND" blah blah blah. All this serves to do is put pressure on the op that she should tolerate or excuse his abuse because "he can't help it." There is no excuse for abusive behaviour. None.

Well, that's the problem, isn't it. Fine for him to make the decisions about things that solely impact on him. But it's ridiculous to say you can't even have any impact on decisions that obviously affect you, because you're the one having to lie to maintain his fiction.

I suspect his family already have strong suspicions, given the excuses you are having to make and that it's near-impossible to hide a bump 100% of the time. They've probably noticed that you're not drinking alcohol and taking other standard precautions, too.

He sounds very controlling. Hopefully this won’t be ramped up now you are “trapped” with a baby.

Im wondering if he’s a bit of a mummy’s boy and his reluctance to disclose the pregnancy is based around a weirdness that his family will then know he has sex? I remember my ex who was a mummy’s boy being extremely embarrassed about telling his parents I was pregnant (we weren’t married though).

Just a thought.

You might need to explain what you mean by disproportionately angry, OP, because people here are imagining him getting ready to thump you. There is a big difference between that and him being frustrated at being pushed to do something he's not ready to do

So he'd be fine with you telling his family, but he won't? Just do that then. Otherwise you're going to look like the one who is being odd and hiding it.

Or would he become aggressive if you told your SIL or his mother?

This is a lot of dancing around and tiptoeing and treading on eggshells to manage him and his frankly absurd behaviour.

There are about 8,000 parenting choices to make on any given day and you’re not always going to agree; he can’t throw a fit and sulk for a day every single time, and you can’t necessarily have a deep and meaningful about every single little thing that comes up, particularly if it requires the delicate touch of a hostage negotiator, which is what it sounds like.

I also think that while it’s his family, it’s your pregnancy: your body, your experience. Just tell them instead of hiding it. Make yourself comfortable. He can throw his little controlling rage about it all he wants.

My Mum’s a bit like this @Newusername7 I’ve just had a second baby and my Mum didn’t tell her partner of 15 years that I was pregnant until a few weeks ago! She seems to find pregnancy and relationships awkward and difficult to talk about. She was the same with her other grandchildren too. Once the babies are here she’s besotted and can’t stop talking about them but while pregnant she very strange about sharing the news.

How odd! Have you never asked her why?

What's his reasoning for picking May? Just seemed very far away so he could put off the conversation as long as possible?

This is extremely odd. Leaving the discussion about his potentially ND or controlling tendencies aside, have you told your friends and family about your pregnancy? (Sorry if I've missed this, I haven't read all 10 pages) What about any references on social media, which I'm assuming your SIL/PIL would be on? Obviously that assumes you're on social media. It just seems such an unnecessary stress for you on a practical day-to-day level.

damned right.

he has a habit of getting disproportionately angry whenever slightly challenged. He likes to do things his way and there’s not much room for other opinions.

Oh dear. He'll have a hard time with a baby in the mix.

Hopefully it will make him less uptight.

Very insightful @AutismProf

I'm not ASD but I do display some of the communication load issues you describe. That was very helpful, thank you.

You can’t parent like that, though. You need to be on the same page and agree on your raising of your child. Issues come up and they need to be discussed, perhaps a compromise reached and definitely agreement reached to go forward. It will be destabilising and confusing for a child to be in the middle of all that non-communication, sulking and potentially diametrically opposed parents!

I dont really see your problem here. Continue as normal, if they ask you as its obvious when you meet if you are pregnant just say "you'll have to talk to DH for that info haha". Then I'd be open "yes I was happy to say but he wanted to hold off so I did". It's his issue, not yours.

Some men can also be emotional about pregnancy in the same way women are but we always can attribute it to “ hormones.”
Its a massive adjustment when you realise the responsibility is real and everyone deals with it differently. Yes, DH’s behaviour is curious but I think all the red flag stuff is over the top.

Is it just after the 20 week scan?

I am a bit weird about telling people things and then once I have missed the first obvious opportunity it becomes a whole thing that stresses me out. I wouldn't have a strop with my DP about it though. And surely he realises this can't be hidden much longer though reckon people would understand if you said had been waiting until after the 20 week scan

agree with @JadziaD and @Aquamarine1029 - My ex is definitely ND but as my therapist said it doesn't matter if he is or isn't, the net result was still the same on my mental and emotional health. I am 6 years on from the end of my marriage and I am still traumatised over it, so when I see posts like this I know the OP is going into exactly the same shitshow I was in and it breaks my heart.

Does he want to wait until
after your 20 week scan?

One of my great aunts was similar .

I think it’s an indelicate topic because a baby itself is a nursery topic with matinee blankets and booties, but pregnancy lies in an awkward space between bedroom highjinks involving your front bottom and some unmentionable male bits, and pure New Life.

Oh yes, in that generation the word "pregnant" was never uttered. It was "in the family way" instead.

Sorry I’m trying to answer to questions but I’m losing track with all the posts:

• with ‘disappropriately angry’ I mean that he can get really upset about something rather trivial, like ‘Darling, I think my belly really shows now, I don’t think I can hide it from your family for much longer’. He’s not violent, doesn’t shout or name call, but raises his voice and gets really worked up about something that’s not really a massive issue - it just becomes one because of his reaction.
• yes, I told my family and some friends at 12weeks (no issue for him). I don’t share much on social media.
• I found the posts about Autism very insightful. I agree that this is not an excuse for shitty behaviour but his struggles with conversation might explain why he gets so worked up about it.
• i wouldn’t say we live like flatmates. Unless I’m out with friends, we spend the evenings together, do something together on weekends etc. He’s always happy to just join whatever I suggest. He doesn’t like planning very much so I usually decide what to do.
• I think our problem is very centred around communication. I would like to sort it because as many have pointed out, I already said to him that we need to discuss parenting questions on a daily basis.
• I definitely won’t have such conversations with him in front of the child. I’m financially secure and will be a single mum if he doesn’t get his act together when he sees how parenting conversations go. I feel though he made good progress during my pregnancy and was quite good in discussing questions around pregnancy care etc when they came up, so I haven’t given up hope. He’s generally better at solving a problem on the spot, than discussing a ‘what if’ problem.

OP, since he won't discuss the issue I suppose you have no idea what can be behind his reluctance to tell his family, have you?

He doesn’t like planning very much so I usually decide what to do.

Unfortunately, this happens in a LOT of relationships. And it's fine in the beginning. But then you have a child and suddenly the amount of planning and mental load is quadrupled and the next thing you know, you realise you've got two children because your partner can't or won't step up.

And that's without the added issue that when he's asked to consider alternative behaviours or approaches, he throws a tantrum.