Row with DH because he still hasn’t told his family that we’re expecting a baby

[Newusername7]

I’m 16 weeks pregnant and started to show, it’s quite obvious. I tried to approach the subject about telling his family yesterday. We’re married and he always wanted a baby, so they’d be delighted. However, he is a very private person. He doesn’t like to share much about his life with anyone (although he’s very close with them and calls his parents and also siblings at least once per week..,but only chitchat and making sure they’re alright, he never talks about himself) it took a year for him to tell them that we’re dating and - after we got engaged five years in - several months to tell them that we’re engaged.

I start to feel really uncomfortable engaging with his family without them knowing about the pregnancy, partly because (in my mind) it’s bloody obvious when looking at my belly. So now I feel I either have to avoid going to family outings, or come up with stupid excuse after excuse (‘oh god, I’m so bloated today’, ‘it’s a bit cold in here so I’d rather keep my coat on’).

Anyway, DH got really upset when I tried to explain my situation. He says I’m putting pressure on him and that he didn’t interfere with how and when I tell my own family. He said that I know that he would tell them ‘before May’ (he’s made this timeline clear before) so now he feels I just want to start a fight with him for no reason. He then threatened to call them straight away (it was almost midnight), I had to physically grab the phone and apologise..,I blamed pregnancy hormones and told him that I was unreasonable, but I’m not sure if I was?

He slept in the spare room, doesn’t talk to me, and says that he will tell them now today because I have destroyed his plans of how he wanted to tell them and it doesn’t matter anymore now.

@Newusername7 I would worry there’s more behind his bizarre behaviour here. Is he not ready to admit he’s about to be a father? Is he secretly struggling with the idea and doesn’t want to make it become a reality by his family knowing? You could understand him wanting to keep it private until the 12 week scan if he had worries, but you are now 16 weeks and it’s his family you want to tell, not distant colleagues. It’s also your pregnancy and you shouldn’t be made to feel like you have to hide it at this stage or not be able to tell people you are close to. I would feel a little resentful that he is ruining this time for you, I think you have given him plenty of time to tell his family and like you say, it’s now at the stage where they will probably notice. He is acting like a spoilt child, and this is not normal behaviour (unless there’s a history of loss previous to this baby) I would say to him that you won’t tell them but if they ask, you also won’t lie and you won’t be covering up or hiding away anymore. Unless there’s more to the story and he’s worried about loss, then he’s being totally unreasonable at this stage. Why does he feel his needs are more important than yours?

Agree with this. He has the right to tell them when he feels it's appropriate, but he doesn't have the right to tell you to lie.

^^ I was just coming on here to right exactly this!

He can’t discuss this with you reasonably and instead sleeps in the spare room to exert a sense of power and control? To punish you for daring to disagree with him? Be careful op please. He does not sound rational and the tension and disagreements ramp up once dc are on the scene and tiredness and stress play their part. He doesn’t sound mature enough to have dc tbh.

You might remind him op that flexibility is a sign of good mh. It’s been shown that individuals who can adapt and bend in the wind to changing situations (rather than snap by remaining rigid) tend to be more resilient and productive. That teamwork and open communication is essential when raising dc.

Do not accept this behaviour op or be too amenable or understanding about it. This is a crucial moment in your relationship. Time to set out your boundaries now. Tell him that if he insists on being so controlling, and sulking like a child when he doesn’t get his own way, you may need to re-think the relationship. Make it very clear that you expect an apology and that from now on he needs to go from “I want” thinking in to “we want” mode. And agree a strategy with you first without going unilaterally down one path or another.

Finally, tell him that he is completely missing the point. How he tells his family is not the main issue here. The main point is that you are both lucky enough to be pregnant with a child that will hopefully bring joy in to your lives and the lives of your respective families. That this is not about him and once he has a child, virtually nothing he does will ever be solely about him ever again. In short, tell him to stop being such a tit and to get over himself.

This sounds bizarre....You’d normally tell this together as a family unit, a happy news to the DH family or your family. Why is this such a big thing? Are you not close to his family? Could you not just let it “slip” out? Weird...

He then threatened to call them straight away (it was almost midnight), I had to physically grab the phone and apologise..,I blamed pregnancy hormones and told him that I was unreasonable, but I’m not sure if I was?

Oh dear.

He's a nasty POS isn't he?

You're apologising for his bad behaviour?

I have destroyed his plans of how he wanted to tell them

Fuck me!

Did he keep you dangling for a proposal done when his was ready/his particular way?

I don't think there is a way of telling parents that they are to become GPs that can be destroyed.

Look out for when baby is here!

Of course it matters if he is ND.

It doesn't excuse bad behaviour but might offer an explanation and something for them both to address.
I didn't see abusive behaviour in OP's original post...?

Agree, he's going to be challenged A LOT by his child! He should deal with these issues before he has a baby.

He could be ND or he could be very immature about having what sounds like very normal discussions. Either way you should be able to have these discussions without fearing his anger! He needs to find help and do the work to manage his anger.

' He then threatened to call them straight away (it was almost midnight), I had to physically grab the phone and apologise..,I blamed pregnancy hormones and told him that I was unreasonable, but I’m not sure if I was?

He slept in the spare room, doesn’t talk to me, and says that he will tell them now today because I have destroyed his plans of how he wanted to tell them and it doesn’t matter anymore now. '

This does not bode well.

I hope your child never defies him … for his or her own sake.

This should not be your problem!! Dh, you are being a dick. Comparing it to telling my family who we told WEEKS ago is irrelevant- how exactly did I make seeing my family excruciatingly awkward for you? I’m not lying to <sil>, or anyone else and I’m showing, so if someone else tells your mum before you do THAT IS ON YOU. Not me, the only part I’ve played is going along with your plan. If you dare have a go at me for being visibly pregnant since the pregnancy has got so far along before you’ve told your mum you can pack a bag and go stay with her.

then buy stretchy bump showing maternity dress and wear it everywhere for the next two weeks.

Is he always this weird and frankly unpleasant and controlling? You need to control what you can control here: you can decide to not actively lie, to wear what you like, and if you like just say no I won’t be going to any family events with your family until we are telling your mum. You have made it too awkward for me. You can’t make him not behave like a dick.

Bottom line is you are pregnant not him. Do your family know or are you not allowed to tell them either? This is appalling behaviour and i feel for you and this unborn child. Will this child be months old before he allows you to tell anyone that they arrived safely into this world? How will he be with the child in 15 years time, will he or she have to hide there life until their father gives them the go ahead to share news. As for his anger, do you really want your child to tip toe around him. You both need to sit down and seriously talk and you need to share your news.

I think AutismProf has it exactly right. Your DP has been putting off having The Conversation with his parents because it was just too daunting. But the longer he leaves it, the more daunting it feels. So now he's in panic mode and lashing out unjustifiably at OP.

Maybe there are underlying issues with his family, or his anxiety about the pregnancy/baby situation... Not that it excuses his behaviour.

He should read up on avoidant attachment. I did, and as an avoidant person myself, it helped me a lot. (I didn't tell family about my pregnancy until 15 weeks, and even then just by email. A friend was appalled at that! But my family didn't mind)

Then re-read the OP and click to view her follow up posts. There's no explanation for abuse.

Weird behaviour especially the sulking and emotional manipulation where you end up apologising

Red flag 🚩

I would be explicit with him that you are past the point of easily hiding the pregnancy. Anyone who sees you in person is likely to know and if asked, even indirectly, you will not lie or obfuscate.

so at this point he risks losing control of the narrative and it will not be your fault.

you can accept he isn’t ready to tell his family, but make it clear it isn’t your job to be a secret keeper.

Lots of red flags here. Time to consult a solicitor and get your finances in order. You deserve so much better than this.

Is it noticeably at 16 weeks - it was for my last pg not my first two.

We waited till after second scan with second baby due to unpleasant comments with first and DH being away with work.

Normally didn't see family as lived some distance away but MIL insisted on visiting when DH was away - which meant extra work - but she didn't spot pg or me being more tried. DH wanted to tell her himself when he got back from work trip but if she asked I wouldn't have lied and we had agreed that was fine.

As it was she was shocked she hadn't realised - quickly forgot it all - and unpleasant comments this time came from my side of family.

I do agree with PP that the sulky behavior to gain your compliance is a red flag.

If I challenge him on something, he throws a fit, sulks for one day, and then pretends nothing has happened.

This is really, really concerning. I would recommend relationships counselling around this very soon - before your baby arrives. Babies put a strain on a relationship like you wouldn't believe. Babies and mothers have to come first in those early weeks and months, regardless of his preferences.

Issues like this are exacerbated with the stress of early parenthood. Protect yourself and your relationships by addressing this early!

exactly - we were bullied children, shouted at “because I said so” all left home for uni at 18 never returned, financially supported by grandparents and legacy, years
later wih children of our own we realised the true extent of the damage - inflexible
parenting, which is profoundly suggested will happen here.
ND or not, I wouldn’t be leaving crying baby alone with husband

Are you not allowed to speak to your in-laws independently? In my relationship with mine I have happily called them to pass on the news I was pregnant myself? As much as my HD loves his family, he is idle and rarely calls/emails them. Over the years I’ve just done it.

If you want the them to know, just call them. Your body, your news.

Never have therapy with your abuser, this is shockingly poor 'advice'.

OP won't be back, anyway.

It absolutely IS controlling behaviour. Just because he doesn't care if you go out, doesn't make him not-controlling. He doesn't care if yo go out, so he doesn't attempt to exert control. The moment it's something he cares about, he does. So sulking, tantrums, sleeping in another room.... these are all behaviours to ensure that you do what HE wants.

Meanwhile:
it’s generally not a problem to do anything the way I want. But he sees it as he doesn’t question anything I do, so I shouldn’t question anything he does either.

And how does this work in real life? Even BEFORE a baby, I can see a million ways this doesn't work - what if he takes the car to visit someone when you had a doctor's appointment? Or you invite people over but he decides he doesn't want to see them so he goes out?

And of course, once the baby comes along, this x1000. You aren't allowed to question what he does? So what happens when he decides he's not getting up in the night? When he thinks its okay to go to the gym/play golf/work late 6 nights out of 7, when he doesn't want to get involved in the choice of nursery but then refuses to do drop offs because he doesn't like that journey....?

I'm really really really sorry OP, but this is massive massive red flag behaviour.

In an abusive relationship, the two most dangerous times for a woman are (1) when she's pregnant and (2) when she leaves