Row with DH because he still hasn’t told his family that we’re expecting a baby

[Newusername7]

I’m 16 weeks pregnant and started to show, it’s quite obvious. I tried to approach the subject about telling his family yesterday. We’re married and he always wanted a baby, so they’d be delighted. However, he is a very private person. He doesn’t like to share much about his life with anyone (although he’s very close with them and calls his parents and also siblings at least once per week..,but only chitchat and making sure they’re alright, he never talks about himself) it took a year for him to tell them that we’re dating and - after we got engaged five years in - several months to tell them that we’re engaged.

I start to feel really uncomfortable engaging with his family without them knowing about the pregnancy, partly because (in my mind) it’s bloody obvious when looking at my belly. So now I feel I either have to avoid going to family outings, or come up with stupid excuse after excuse (‘oh god, I’m so bloated today’, ‘it’s a bit cold in here so I’d rather keep my coat on’).

Anyway, DH got really upset when I tried to explain my situation. He says I’m putting pressure on him and that he didn’t interfere with how and when I tell my own family. He said that I know that he would tell them ‘before May’ (he’s made this timeline clear before) so now he feels I just want to start a fight with him for no reason. He then threatened to call them straight away (it was almost midnight), I had to physically grab the phone and apologise..,I blamed pregnancy hormones and told him that I was unreasonable, but I’m not sure if I was?

He slept in the spare room, doesn’t talk to me, and says that he will tell them now today because I have destroyed his plans of how he wanted to tell them and it doesn’t matter anymore now.

Honestly this sounds like autism. He seems to struggle with change etc. https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/autism/signs/adults/

Good communication and effective conflict resolution are essential to a decent marriage, OP. You must be able to bring up issues without being bullied or punished or your relationship will be toast over the longer term.

@ISeeTheLight so? There is no excuse for abuse.

Sorry I mean the op's husband is being overly dramatic not the op. She is being put in a really awkward position.

Is he ND OP? I know this can be a trait...some people can feel cripplingly awkward about disclosing things even the happiest of news.

It doesn't matter if he's ND.

Once again, ND is not an excuse for being abusive.

My DP didn't tell his family till after the 20 week scan as he was worried something would go wrong (previous MC) and he hadn't been to the 12 week scan (covid) so I think he didn't quite believe it was happening himself till he saw the baby on screen! Having said that, I wasn't seeing his family regularly so it wasn't like they'd guess.

I think I'd stop hiding it from his family but also ask him "what shall I say if I see your sister and she guesses?" then just do whatever he suggests (if it's sensible). Or if she guesses, just say "I can't say anything, DH wants to tell you all in his own time...". His sister must know what he's like?

This.

I'd just carry on as normal, certainly wouldn't be hiding it.

If they comment I'm nonchalantly say "oh, didn't DH tell you??"

Stop covering up. Just tell him if anyone asks, you're not going to lie.

"I'm meeting your sister next week for coffee, I won't openly tell her but I'm also not lying to her if she notices and asks. Up to you how you want to play it between now and then but if there's any fall out that's on you".

He may not understand how obvious it will be to his Mum/sister. He needs to understand (or have it explained) that by 16 weeks women just find it obvious. If he is ND, he genuinely might not be aware of this. It's not ok to expect you to hide it/hide yourself away.

That is a massive problem. Do you really want to raise a child with a man like this?

Absolutely fascinating post from AutismProf !

This sort of content is why I love mumsnet. Thank you. You have just shone insight into my son’s behaviour for me.

However, it seems from the OP’s later posts that this need for control is not just linked to communication.
Her DH also wants to be able to live his life without ever accommodating her or compromising.

”You live your life, I’ll live mine” is an unhealthy dynamic for a marriage.

You are building a life together, you are each supposed to benefit from the partnership, drawing strength from eachother, compromising and reaching “your” (the pair of you) way of doing things.

That does not always mean his way 50% of the time then your way 50% of the time. You should be able to communicate with each other about how you each feel about decisions because you definitely are going to have to make joint decisions about your child.

Doesn't look like OP has much choice in the matter now!

"He then threatened to call them straight away (it was almost midnight), I had to physically grab the phone and apologise"

"He slept in the spare room, doesn’t talk to me, and says that he will tell them now today because I have destroyed his plans of how he wanted to tell them and it doesn’t matter anymore now."

Very worrying indeed. I agree with other PPs who have asked why on earth you would choose to have a child with someone who behaves like this?! This type of behaviour doesn't just come out of the blue. I think the majority of us on here can see exactly what's coming when the baby comes along....

This! There's a difference between being a private person & not wanting to tell supposedly close relatives life changing good news.

As you're married, why does telling his family have to be his job?

You are being unreasonable creating a row over it. Why not just agree to tell his family when you next see them. Chances are they've already worked it out anyway.

@everythingthelighttouches
I should add, understanding the probable "why" isn't a solution in itself.

OP would still need to work out with her DP how they are going to navigate situations which his core coping strategy has evolved to avoid.

However understanding communication load can be fundamental to understanding why a person is or isn't doing something that seems illogical and is otherwise Interpreted (as it has been here) as abusive, manipulative, controlling. It's actually not intentionally any of those things. It's anxiety.

It can’t be that important for him to tell his mom first, if he knows you meet your SIL weekly 🤔.

Carry on as you do and he can deal with the awkwardness when they find out.

However understanding communication load can be fundamental to understanding why a person is or isn't doing something that seems illogical and is otherwise Interpreted (as it has been here) as abusive, manipulative, controlling.

It's not the lack of communication that posters are calling abusive. It's other things Op has said which are major red flags.

He slept in the spare room, doesn’t talk to me, and says that he will tell them now today because I have destroyed his plans

he has a habit of getting disproportionately angry whenever slightly challenged. He likes to do things his way and there’s not much room for other opinions.

If I challenge him on something, he throws a fit, sulks for one day, and then pretends nothing has happened.

Do you watch Emmerdale? Your last 2 paragraphs sound eerily similar to the lowkey gaslighting behaviour that one of the characters is currently experiencing

"Isn't your mum going to be upset you waited so long to tell her if you leave it much longer? She'll be wanting to catch up on pregnancy news and have enough time to plan things. Plus what if she inadvertently books a holiday for around my due date?"

All of those things are potentially anxiety based and linked to his subconscious protecting itself. His coping strategy, learned probably since earliest childhood, is to avoid difficult things. Communicating big news is one of those difficult things. His wife trying to get him to do those things (which is a perfectly reasonably expectation, in a long term partnership, let me be clear) triggers a fear response which is to attack and/or withdraw. Because it's fundamentally his avoidance protecting itself. None of which he can probably Intuit or explain.

I am not excusing this behaviour, I am trying to help OP understand it so that, assuming she wants to make the relationship work, she can start with understanding his subconscious motivation and therefore how to move forward (low key, small steps, where it matters most).

Your last paragraph is very telling, he blames you for ruining his special plans to tell them. I personally don't think that there were any plans to tell the family, he is lashing out and sulking. I'm sorry you are in this position, you have every right to talk about the baby with his family. The excitement, the worries, they are all valid and so are your feelings. There seems to be a hierarchy of emotions here, as in, his emotions are bigger therefore you are expected to tip toe around them rather than address the issues together. When are you going to have your needs met?

it took a year for him to tell them that we’re dating and - after we got engaged five years in - several months to tell them that we’re engaged.

Shame you stayed imo!

Well I certainly wouldn't be hiding it!

I mean in some ways it's not his news to tell as it is you it's happening to!

How bizarre. I can't think of a word/way to accurately describe just how bloody weird his behaviour is. It's just so out of the realm of normalcy.