Dumped, but he's text. No contact or reply?

[Soggybuiscut]

I've just been dumped over the phone about an hour ago by bf of 3 years.
He's now text me some love hearts... Mind fuck.

Do I reply, or ultimately go no contact and just ignore?

I'm obviously in turmoil and want him back, but with perspective do think I deserve better.

Hold onto the way you feel now. If you ever wobble, read this thread that you sensibly started and the great responses from the posters plus your own Cons list which, just in its own, speaks volumes. In fact print and cut that bit out and stick it on your fridge. Put another copy in your handbag so, when you're on the tube, bus, etc you can remind yourself what you're escaping from.

Don't respond to any messages from him - your silence says it all and is very eloquent.

BTW: if he ever had access to your keys consider changing your locks (or just the barrels of the locks) so he can't just wonder in.

You can do this - excuse this wart from your life. 🌹

I actually replied last night. I put...

'Its ok name! I believe it's best for both of us to go forward separately, and I intend to move on with my life now. I genuinely wish you happiness and contentment!'

Hes replied this 7am morning with a sad face and then more love hearts. I do expect I'll hear more from him. But maybe I won't.

But that is it now! That is the last thing he will ever hear from me.

Why, you may wonder did I reply? I actually feel internally really comfortable with my reply, because I know it didn't come from a place of fear, hurt, rejection, anger, pain, hope, expectations, malice. I genuinely, wholeheartedly, feel clearer with who I am right now. What I want. What I need to prioritise. And I know I'm a good, kind and strong person. And the reason I wanted to send that message was for no other reason that it felt like the most mature, reasonable, self-assured thing I could do for me. Not for him. For me. Even after everything, I feel this response shows I have integrity and kindness, but also that he has lost me.

At least that's what I'm telling myself. Also Matthew Hussey says in no contact you can reply something along these lines ONCE. 😹

So today the weather is better and I'm getting dressed as modern day Maria Von Trap and going for the big hilly walk to the pub I couldn't do yesterday.

Breathe I really hope he does leave me alone now. I feel like I've moved on today and just want to turn the next page of my life.

Why on earth do you want this prick back?

Why on earth haven't you read OP's posts?

Good reply op. Keep up your resolve. You are worth so much more

@crockofshite I don't! I thought I did in the first 24 hours of the break up. However I do now realise I have been a complete mug and probably need professional support to address why I have such low standards / self esteem as to have stayed with him for so long.
Onwards and upwards anyway!

Enjoy your day out OP, things will get easier and easier as you move forward! Keep that resolve as you are doing the right thing!

Perhaps block his number now you have sent that final text? He will definitely carry on sending you loads of bollocks like he already has over the next few days and weeks.

Glad you've drawn a line under it on your own terms.enjoy your day out today and all the best for the future.

Ignore him now.

Yes, if you can afford professional help would seek it before dating again: if not use the self help, online info etc.

the list of ‘cons’ about him and how he treated you and others is horrifying. You continued the relationship: could’ve avoided at least 75% of it had you made better choices for yourself.

Assume the friends that you consulted recently who didn’t say ‘run for the hills’ haven’t seen the cons list! Would share it with them too.

I think one reply was worth it or you'll be inundated with messages saying I'm worried about you please reply so I know you're okay type bullshit.

Onwards and upwards.

Probably because you didn't have a good solid upbringing or you have had too many people put you down. There's always a reason someone accepts bad relationships and it's never because of you.

@Soggybuiscut

Why, you may wonder did I reply? I actually feel internally really comfortable with my reply, because I know it didn't come from a place of fear, hurt, rejection, anger, pain, hope, expectations, malice. I genuinely, wholeheartedly, feel clearer with who I am right now. What I want. What I need to prioritise. And I know I'm a good, kind and strong person. And the reason I wanted to send that message was for no other reason that it felt like the most mature, reasonable, self-assured thing I could do for me. Not for him. For me.

Then good for you OP. If you feel right about this decision, you are feeling stronger for actually, positively drawing a line under that relationship then that's the tight decision for you. Time to get on with your own life, moving freely forward without a weight dragging you back. 🌹

That's a decent reply. Enjoy your hill walk!

This..

Be prepared for him AND his family to pile on the guilt. He sounds like a person who cannot function without someone propping him up. That's the only reason men like this seek relationships. His family will tire of propping him up til he meets someone else and manages to manipulate them into looking after him.
You've already said it but really spend some time reflecting on the choices you made here. Of course he was trying to teach you a lesson, its worked so many times before hasn't it. He pretty much does as he pleases with no consequence.
His behaviour towards his child would have been enough for me, how did you manage to normalise that?
You can do this. Block and ignore. Your life will only get better without this leech in it.

Fuck me. That cons list.

Im sorry you’re hurting OP but glad for you that you are handling it the way you are! Make lots of plans to keep yourself busy xx

@BirthdayRainbow yes, I thought I had a very stable family life growing up however as I've got older have realised the dynamic between my mum and dad is very well.... She just lives to please him, and he walks all over her.

And my ex before this one, well I had support from Women's Aid to get away from him. He was the shouty screamy, gaslighty guy that I knew I had to get away from and I did.

I've basically been raised to keep others happy, always be kind, always forgive, always look for the best in others. Be a good girl, be a nice person.

Comes at a cost though doesn't it? Yourself.

Skimmed, missed it

Same OP. I am wiser now...work at women's aid and i see these men .
Please consider doing the freedom programme...that may help you to see red flags initially and it works on your confidence

that’s fantastic @Loubelle70 !

@Soggybuiscut keep no contact, do nice things for yourself, and work on your ‘shark cage’ to avoid the losers.

OP you are in inspiration! Many empaths, as yourself, get entangled with narcissistic types. Now is the time to concentrate on you! This is a time to heal. That could be therapy, dancing, taking an art class, exercise etc. When your cup is full, you will attract the right person. All the best to you x

'Its ok name! I believe it's best for both of us to go forward separately, and I intend to move on with my life now. I genuinely wish you happiness and contentment!'

Hes replied this 7am morning with a sad face and then more love hearts. I do expect I'll hear more from him. But maybe I won't.

He is embarrassing himself at this point and is making it so clear his agenda all along is to try and reel you in. He must be a bit gutted his very obvious attempt at manipulation isn’t working and you’re happy to move on 😅

I think you should definitely follow Matthew Hussey’s advice about this in the sense that you make that your very last time contacting him though! I’m not a big fan of blocking people but I suggest if he continues to send these silly texts or indeed any texts at all you just block him immediately . At least for 6 months or so.

It is great that you’re looking into professional support to unpick why you even stayed with this sort of man to begin. Your ex has done you a massive favour as you can now have that distance from him to see your relationship as it really was, and the issues you’ll explore and hopefully overcome are much bigger than him.

Thanks everyone, the support on here is tremendously helpful and I actually appreciate some of the savage comments about him. Ha.

Although I KNOW it wouldn't be the right thing a weak part of me keeps thinking I wish he would show up on a white horse declaring he's wrong and has been a complete idiot and wants to treat me like a queen and beg me to take him back. Stupid brain. Stupid attachment.

I know it's wrong. Re-reading whole thread to snap out of it.

@Sneezingdust thanks so much for your comment! It's helped! My friend has recommended me a councillor who I'm hoping to see this week. Whatever, I'm having a break from men! I've been in relationships since I was 17 - have literally never been single! I think I've totally lost myself to being with crappy men and I need to have some serious alone time to find myself again.

@Sneezingdust also your totally right about the no contact now. Everytime he sends me another message it puts me in turmoil and fills me with fear, hope, anxiety, anguish. I hope he respects me enough to just leave me alone now.