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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dumped, but he's text. No contact or reply?

230 replies

Soggybuiscut · 22/03/2024 22:13

I've just been dumped over the phone about an hour ago by bf of 3 years.
He's now text me some love hearts... Mind fuck.

Do I reply, or ultimately go no contact and just ignore?

I'm obviously in turmoil and want him back, but with perspective do think I deserve better.

OP posts:
Xenoi24 · 23/03/2024 07:40

You're only 31?

Presuming you don't have any kids already, do you want to have them?

He's a really poor candidate for that.

He's a waste of time on that front.

Pepsimaxedout · 23/03/2024 07:41

Reading through all your updates OP, you are better off well rid of him!

No matter what he's trying to do, it shows he cannot communicate well and any future relationship with him would end up in more head fuckery.

Then if he's taking drugs, lying about it and trying to turn that around on you, you are well rid too!

GreenSmithing · 23/03/2024 07:46

Soggybuiscut · 22/03/2024 22:34

The relationship has been good, really good. Then we had a very out of the blue arguement a couple of nights ago - unlike us. Yesterday I rang him and apologised for my part.
Today he rang me, apologised for his part and then started umming and ahhing about the relationship saying he had been thinking lots since the fight. I asked him to be clear and honest as I didn't really understand what he was trying to say.
Eventually he said he just wasn't sure how it would work (us). I said that I don't want to be with someone who isn't sure they want to be with me. I said, if he wants to leave it I'll respect his decision. Though that's not what I want.

He was just silent (coward). And so I wished him good luck and goodbye.

Eventually he said he just wasn't sure how it would work

In the context of the drug use, it seems like what he was trying to say was that he wanted to stay with you and do coke, without you giving him a hard time. And when you didn’t play ball, he basically chose coke. I'm sorry, OP but I agree you're better off without him.

Nicole1111 · 23/03/2024 07:47

If it was about substance misuse then I suspect it won’t be long before he comes crawling back. Essentially he’s using a text book domestic abuse tactic of trying to control you by saying look what happens if you challenge me on this, you get dumped etc. The end goal is to have a compliant girlfriend who does as she’s told and allows him to do what he wants. If you go back your actions will communicate to him he has a pass to do what he wants.

Lurkingandlearning · 23/03/2024 07:47

@LadyGAgain He dumped her over the phone then sent ❤️Text

Axx · 23/03/2024 07:48

Ketamine? How tragic, does he think he's 15? He sulking because you've caught him out. Don't be falling for it. I promise you, your older self will be so thankful for your tough stance now.

Silence is golden.

charliefair · 23/03/2024 07:51

I can't see why you are willing to sort this out and continue in a relationship with him. He is no catch, has treated you appallingly and has a drug habit.

You are well rid of this one.

user8800 · 23/03/2024 07:53

Reply : "who dis?'
Then block and delete

Soggybuiscut · 23/03/2024 07:56

Thank you everyone. I've just had a big cry as I know your right and think I've been denial believing he could put me first.

@Nicole1111 what you've said about compliance is very much what my gut is telling me - or in the least that I won't challenge him in that way again

OP posts:
Copperoliverbear · 23/03/2024 08:02

You don't need him back, you just want familiar, he's a gutless cunt, you are better off without him, ignore, block and move on every happens for a reason, you will go on to much better things.
If you go Back, he will treat you even worse as he knows he can.
My relationship ended after eight years, I was hurt, but I survived and am so much happier, what i had before was not love or respect x

Sneezingdust · 23/03/2024 08:08

Soggybuiscut · 23/03/2024 04:29

@Sneezingdust oh wow thank you. This is helpful and has given me some resolve to keep my dignity intact. Your totally right.

I've been watching Matthew Hussey and he talks about the no contact rule. He says that's anything other than a genuine heartfelt proclamation of regret and saying 'I made a massive mistake, I'm sorry, can we try again?' - anything other than this is just their ego driving them to give you breadcrumbs..
I'm gonna try and go back to sleep...

Glad you found it helpful - hearing that saying many years ago helped me avoid emotionally unavailable time wasters who were never going to be the men I needed or love me properly!

the fight was about substance abuse. Basically I'm 99% sure he relapsed and was lying to me, and he got defensive and called me annoying and controlling and it escalated from there

There’s also a bit of DARVO involved then. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s basically about the perpetrator reversing things to pretend they’re the victim in order to deflect from whatever issue you’ve raised and avoid accountability. It’s a method of control - he wants you to stop challenging his drug use and thinks if he dumps you then reels you back in you’ll not bring it up again.

Btw your day sounds absolutely lovely - enjoy! Cleaning, exercise, and catch ups with friends are always great ideas but especially at a time like this.

Keep returning to this thread if you start to feel tempted to reply later!

Lurkingandlearning · 23/03/2024 08:08

You’d made it clear you didn’t want the relationship to end but couldn’t remain if he wasn’t sure he wanted to continue. He wasn’t sure so that was it.

He would have to be a complete moron to not know how the text would make you feel. You don’t send an emoji that has had romantic meaning in your relationship as shorthand for “wishing you all the best for your future without me”. He knew it would confuse and upset you. Perhaps he was feeling spiteful because you hadn’t begged. It was cruel and for that reason alone really try not to give him any more thought.

Enjoy you pub lunch and evening with your friend.

Copperoliverbear · 23/03/2024 08:12

I didn't see the bit about him being a addict until now
Now I'm even more convinced one million percent you need to stay away.
Drugs will always come first and If you want to settle down and have children why an earth would you want to have children with a druggie, please don't do it to yourself or them.

MikeRafone · 23/03/2024 08:19

Don’t eat the breadcrumbs

shall I tell you why?

it’ll spoil your own appetite when your offered a decent full course meal

Sceptical123 · 23/03/2024 08:25

If you have any self respect - IGNORE

My rule was - you end it, there’s no way back. It’s happened to me a few times and every single time they have contacted me to either apologise/check that I’m ok/share something on social media they think I’d like/want to meet up - no, no, bloody no.

Of course it’s tempting to go back to the way things were, no one wants to be dumped or the relationship they were happy to be in to be ripped from under them - but the thing you’ve got to remember is - he ended it, for a reason.

That reason could be he’s decided it’s too much hassle, too expensive, you’re high maintenance, you’re boring, his friends/family don’t like you, he’s met somebody he wants to/is sleeping with…. anything. But if you think getting back together with someone who has ended the relationship with you will make you happier, you are likely to be very, very wrong and feel worse about yourself than before.

The reason he had for ending it won’t go away, but he may be influenced by other facts that ultimately affect his well-being, not yours - being single isn’t as fun as he was expecting, he misses easily accessible sex and emotional support, other women don’t find him as attractive as he expected them to and aren’t lining up to jump into bed with him, he has less things in the calendar and could do with something more to occupy him…

He doesn’t actually care that he hurt you, he ended it bc it felt right at the time for him and the only reason he’d attempt to start it up again is bc it would be the right thing to do at the time. For him.

I’ve no idea what the conversation was like or the context for the love hearts - my guess would be is that they’re his attempt to assuage his guilt for the upset he’s caused and to keep an opening should single life/the other woman he has his eye on/is bedding doesn’t work out for him. He knows he’s got an easy way back with you if he keeps you hoping that he still cares - 🙄🤢😑 for your own self respect and to protect your newly mended heart from shattering more badly than when he broke it the first time around - don’t be taken in and give him a second chance. He’s ended it once, if you’re so easy-going to just accept this then take him back again he’ll have no hesitation in doing it again. He won’t respect you.

The best way to show him that you’re not affected in the slightest (even if you want to remain under your duvet for the forseeable) is to do nothing.

Don’t respond. Don’t block (as this will show you care enough to do this) show him you’re too pre-occupied with other things to bother. I can guarantee this will get to him. It will make him uncertain. He will question himself. He will wonder if the sadness you had initially at his dumping of you has gone already - was it even real? Did your relationship actually not mean as much to you as he thought it did? Are you over him? Are you out with your friends having a great time without him? Have you met somebody else?

Have you moved on?

In my experience this reaction is very real and that is when they start to ramp up
the contact bc they hate the idea that they didn’t mean as much to you as they assumed and that there’s no way back.

Just do not respond. He probably doesn’t want to get back together. He wants you to assure him he’s not a shit guy - ego boost, that you still care - ego boost, that you’re a fail safe if his new-found freedom falls through - ego boost.

Taking him back will be a short-term fix, but if you want to feel good about yourself moving forward and get back at him for being a complete bastard (which he may not may not be depending on the circumstances) i g n o r e . . . . . !

—edited bc last para deleted for some reason

Fortitudinal · 23/03/2024 08:26

Well done for your strength @Soggybuiscut

Leave the loser to his drug habit.

PaminaMozart · 23/03/2024 08:44

Everything @Sceptical123 said!!

Soggybuiscut · 23/03/2024 08:50

@Sceptical123 that was hard to read but I know your right. I keep flipping from feeling empowered, like it know it's the right thing for me and strong, to completely then feeling unloved and worthless. It's like a switch.

OP posts:
IReallyStillCantBeBothered · 23/03/2024 08:54

Guavafish1 · 23/03/2024 07:34

I'd still think you should reach out to meet him. Have a proper conversation to actually end it properly. You can get more closure that way.

It will also make you realise he is a total loser

I think she should cut him off and move on. Reaching out creates the risk that he talks her back into the relationship and she really needs him out of her life. Why she would be dating a drug addict in the first place is beyond me and she is in a vulnerable state now.

Rip the bandaid, block him and move on. Do her crying, eat ice cream, reach out to friends and family for support and strength, anything but reach out to a lying manipulative drug addict.

Gingerbread981 · 23/03/2024 08:58

Ignore and block. If he’s after attention- who needs those games?

Sceptical123 · 23/03/2024 09:13

Soggybuiscut · 23/03/2024 08:50

@Sceptical123 that was hard to read but I know your right. I keep flipping from feeling empowered, like it know it's the right thing for me and strong, to completely then feeling unloved and worthless. It's like a switch.

I totally get how you feel. I’ve been sorely tempted several times to figuratively do anything to have them back as it’s such a shock when it seemingly comes out the blue, and the temptation is to put things back to how they were. But like when a partner cheats, things can never go back to how they were bc that person has ruined it. (Not you!) There will always be the fact they’ve made the conscious decision to leave you, that you somehow weren’t enough, or ‘good enough’, for them. Imagine the insecurity you’ll feel knowing that he’s done it once when things weren’t going the way he wanted and can easily do it again. You’ll likely feel even worse the 2nd time around bc you’ll kick yourself for trusting him again and making yourself so vulnerable.

That’s not to say ppl should remain in relationships when they’re unhappy, obviously, but unless it’s a seriously understandable reason - i.e they don’t want children and you do then suddenly have a revelation and change their view / they’re having to move to another country for work to pay for medical treatment for their family member, etc.. why give them the opportunity to break your heart again?

I think it’s possible for ppl, men in particular, to end a relationship expecting to do better or bc it was proving hard work etc. - then genuinely regret it - and fully expect to pick up where they left off - but why trust a flake like that with your emotions and commit to walking on eggshells for the forseeable future? That’s no way to live.

It will be a shit time for a while OP, that’s just the way it is. But it will be shitter for longer or for potentially many more times to come if you get back together with this person and they do it to you all over again.

Ultimately it’s your decision, I’d just advise to look to the future to when you’re over it and happier rather than dwell on the crap emotions you’re experiencing now. They will go. The more you can occupy yourself with other things - friends, family, work, hobbies… the less time and space in your head you’ll have for your ex.

I hope you’re feeling a lot better soon. I’m sure it’ll be sooner than you’re expecting. Stay strong x

beAsensible1 · 23/03/2024 09:17

He wants to break up, but is obviously still in the first reverberations of a break up where you feel at a loss and still want to talk to your closest person etc etc

don’t respond, because ultimately it doesn’t mean anything or change the facts of the situation

Seaoftroubles · 23/03/2024 09:18

So a drug habit, lying, and accusing you of being controlling because you called him out on it? Yes, you are100% better off without him. Onwards and upwards OP, and block him on everything.

opentoadvice88 · 23/03/2024 09:19

Seaoftroubles · 23/03/2024 09:18

So a drug habit, lying, and accusing you of being controlling because you called him out on it? Yes, you are100% better off without him. Onwards and upwards OP, and block him on everything.

100%! Congratulations you’re free of this nonsense and won’t waste any more time.

Moonshine5 · 23/03/2024 09:19

Stay dumped and get some self respect instead

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