Dumped, but he's text. No contact or reply?

[Soggybuiscut]

I've just been dumped over the phone about an hour ago by bf of 3 years.
He's now text me some love hearts... Mind fuck.

Do I reply, or ultimately go no contact and just ignore?

I'm obviously in turmoil and want him back, but with perspective do think I deserve better.

@TracyBeakerSoYeah ... Trust me! The conversation was long as I was not pushing to end it at all. I said good luck and good bye after he slowly, mmmmmingly, cowardly made it clear he didn't want to move forward with me or the relationship.

Honestly, right now I'm having to use everything I've got to not go begging to him to make this work. Messages like yours make me feel hopeful that I've read the conversation wrong.

But trust me, I haven't. I did everything but beg for him to give us a chance. He doesn't want to.

What do your friends think OP?

The emojis… he was clearly hoping you’d take the bait. I know because ive done it before 🙈

@Rosiiee one thinks he's playing a game.

Another thinks he wanted the talk to go another way - but I think she's saying that to make me feel better.

Another thinks I'm well rid.

@Rosiiee I would take the bait if I'd think it would lay the path for fixing the relationship.. but I dont think it will. I think it will just feed his ego.

If he wanted me I'd know. I wouldn't be confused.

Honestly I think you should ignore and have a lovely day.

Can't be doing with cowardly people.

Your ‘short take’ OP was that he was either

A) being a coward but trying to break up

Or

B) trying to make me beg and grovel for the relationship as punishment for the fight’

Y and with (B) have a ‘power imbalance’ beyond the fight.

Or perhaps he was considering A but wasn’t sure yet so tried B.

Not arguing much isn’t necessarily a good thing/sign.

Agree with PPs that even if you want to continue the relationship (seems unwise if he’s half arsed) he should ‘do all the running’. Otherwise it’s just dragging out the hurt.

Slightly different scenario The best advice I’vevever had on MN (and been on here with various names since 2005) was when my bf of 18 months (who I was totally in love with after a hideous marriage breakdown) ghosted me was simply not to reply or engage. We had been so close -I simply couldn’t understand it but people on here were so wise and they were right. Silence is much more powerful than any message you could send him. No point in asking him or psychoanalysing him.
It is incredibly difficult not to reply but you will feel so much stronger in the long run.
vent yo your friends and on here but do not tell him his you feel. If he cared how you feel he wouldn’t have behaved like this.

One of the things a RL friend said to me was that he fudntdesreve feedback from me that would help him in his next relationship. So even when (inevitably!!) he later tried to make contact, I thought about that and didn’t respond- let him go and make the same mistakes again.

Good lord, he has absolutely NO strength, eh?
none.
this spineless kind of waffling is so deeply unattractive.

he’s weak, op. Weak and babyish. To throw little hints like he’s 7 years old … really … it’s laughable.

straighten your spine and look forward now. You come across as clearheaded and confident - far too mature for this little weed.

keep walking - don’t send hearts and demean yourself to his stupid little ego game.

with a little time, I have a feeling you’ll be so glad you knew your worth and just dropped this.

Yep...no contact. Or...just say..once...'its sad you feel that way but i respect its not going to work, i agree. Take care.'(No love hearts , no texts afterwards, no replies to any texts he sends)...believe me his ego will be wtf?!!. He wants you to beg for him to stay...that puts you at a disadvantage.

Don’t settle for anyone who isn’t sure about you and needs persuading to remain in a relationship with you. Also don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t recognise your value but then wants to breadcrumb you.

no contact is often the quickest path to feeling better

Was the fight about something you did or didn't? Or how you reacted to something he did? If that's the case, he wanted you to agree that you will behave how he likes in the future. And now he hopes you will go back and beg.

Thank you everyone. Your replies are really helping and giving me strength. I'm not going to reply to him.

@Orangello the fight was about substance abuse. Basically I'm 99% sure he relapsed and was lying to me, and he got defensive and called me annoying and controlling and it escalated from there.

People always warned me addicts will always go back and it would cause problems at some point. They were right and I feel stupid now. It hurts he put all that infront of the beautiful relationship we had.

I've made lots of plans today and intend on keeping myself busy:

Get up big tidy of house.
Gym.
Get nails done.
Big walk and solo pub lunch with good book.
Tonight going out with a friend. Won't drink as I feel like the moment I have any alcohol I'll become very emotional. But will get a bit dressed up and have a nice evening! (Or try to)

It sounds to me as if you're right, you do deserve better. Throw this one back and go out and live a fantastic life.

Good for you and was his substance of choice coke by any chance.

@VanillaSox I'm so sorry that happened to you. Im glad you seem so happy and fulfilled now! There's hope for me then!

Good @Soggybuiscut
That's the way.
I have feeling he was under influence (drugs)...but you don't need that crap. Let him get off his head whilst you enjoy life.

@Northernsouloldies yes coke and sometimes ketamin

That sounds like a lovely day, it also sounds like you are going to look back on this point in your life and think that you are well rid or him. He's weak and shallow and you deserve better.

I'd still think you should reach out to meet him. Have a proper conversation to actually end it properly. You can get more closure that way.

It will also make you realise he is a total loser

Obviously you're well out of it..the coke would account for the arrogance.out of curiosity how oldIs he.

He's 35, I'm 31

Actually, if he has addiction to drugs, I won't bother with him ever again.

You truly are better without him

the fight was about substance abuse. Basically I'm 99% sure he relapsed and was lying to me, and he got defensive and called me annoying and controlling and it escalated from there.

Sorry but imho you shouldn't have gotten or stayed involved with him when you knew about that in the first place.

You're already putting yourself in a very compromised, risky, undesirable position - trying to partner someone like that.