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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband touching me in my sleep

268 replies

donnelly2021 · 22/03/2024 09:42

Hi,
I woke up last night to my H giving me oral sex with his fingers inside me. When I woke up he said he was sorry (he tried to carry on and I was drifting in and out of sleep before waking) and he thought I was awake when I clearly was not...We haven't had a very good sex life recently so maybe it's my own fault for not just giving in (I usually put up and shut up about the pain and just deal with it for an easier life) - we've had many discussions regarding sex and that I felt like a sex doll as intimacy was the only time I received any type of attention from him however due to my health I'm in pain from any sort of sexual act (going through tests with the dr) and he is aware of this...
This isn't the first time this has happened in the last couple of months, it is the 3rd time the other two times I woke to him inside me (having intercourse with me) and the 2nd I woke up before he could enter.
What do I do because I'm scared to say out loud to him what I think it is but he is fully awake so it's not in his sleep...but we have a family and already going through some issues and I really don't need it what to do...

OP posts:
fuckingbastard · 27/03/2024 15:21

Hand hold OP. I pray that you did not go on to confront this bastard.

Original poster
donnelly2021 · 27/03/2024 15:50

I did speak to him about it.
I worded it very carefully to not come across as an accuser so there would not be a defence needed kind of thing.
He said he was sorry and thought I was awake. He said he feels sick that I feel this way (violated) and it won't happen again.
He has also said, because of our (my) issues he does feels it's circumstantial that I feel violated - if we were in a better place relationship wise or my health was better (which is also my fault for not pushing for quicker answers) then it wouldn't have been a problem as we "own" each other and he should - as should I - be able to wake the other person by doing sexual acts because we are each others possession basically...

OP posts:
TiredCatLady · 27/03/2024 15:54

OP I’m so sorry. He’s not taking any responsibility at all and as many PP said would happen, he’s turned it round to make it your fault. It will happen again.

Please, please speak to women’s aid and leave this awful man.

Gettingonmygoat · 27/03/2024 15:55

God lord, your update is scary, he is pushing the blame onto you. He does not own you and none of this is your fault. Please please seek some help. Your husband is abusing you in every shape and form.

Fuzziduck · 27/03/2024 15:56

What is your take on this?

MariaVT65 · 27/03/2024 15:56

Fucking hell. What are you doing about it op?

SamW98 · 27/03/2024 15:58

Jesus Christ his response is fucking chilling So he has refused to take responsibility and instead he has deflected back and blamed YOU for him being a fucking rapist.Absolutely disgusting victim blaming.

Please please get away from this vile abusive cunt OP. Hes probably the most repulsive man I’ve ever read about on here. I feel sick reading your update - how do you feel?

Wiseoldminerva · 27/03/2024 15:59

I think this is one of the most horrific things I’ve read on here. I’m so so so sorry that this is your situation and your husband is such an absolute animal.

Wiseoldminerva · 27/03/2024 16:00

And NO ONE owns you.

Secondstart1001 · 27/03/2024 16:00

The thing is he didn’t wake you up for sex, you were asleep and he knows you have a sleep condition as well as your current situation of sex being extremely painful for you right now.
i would be fine for my partner to wake me up and want sex - I could decline or have sex. You were not given the option to consent and this is what brings you here. You sound like you are in a very vulnerable position but your post indicates less of a turmoil than your first posts. But do think hard about what’s happened and what he has said. Stay safe x

TheCatterall · 27/03/2024 16:03

@donnelly2021 - I can tell you now as someone in a healthy long term loving and sexually active relationship - if my partner did anything to me in my sleep I’d feel violated. I would class it as rape or sexual assault and we’d probably be on ‘game over’.

hes not really sorry or apologising. He’s placating you with what he thinks you want to hear to shut up about it. Then victim blaming you as it’s your fault. Your healths fault. Because if it wasn’t for you his behaviour would be classed as normal apparently.

Absolutely fuck that shit. I’d be asking him if he reckons the police would have the same definition.

make him watch the cup of tea video. Cups of tea don’t change because you are married. You still don't force cups of tea on your asleep unresponsive partner.

Original poster
donnelly2021 · 27/03/2024 16:11

I asked him about last time too, because when we initially went to bed he tried and I said no I didn't want too and wasn't ready (after a big row)
Then I woke up at 3am ish to him inside me but he said I was responding to him - talking even and I asked what I said because I have no recollection and he couldn't remember what I said just that I seemed to respond so now I'm really confused and I don't know what to do. I don't like this opinion of it's "only circumstantial" and should normally be ok...because I don't feel it is... but he said our sex life isn't normal either (once or twice a week and rarely spontaneous blowjobs) and granted sometimes there is longer periods between having sex but because I'm also in pain and I'm not doing enough according to him to stop being in pain I don't desire him enough so seem content being in pain and using it as an excuse not to sleep with him

OP posts:
Wiseoldminerva · 27/03/2024 16:13

Fucking hell he’s disgusting.

Is it possible he drugs you somehow too?

Wiseoldminerva · 27/03/2024 16:13

You don’t desire him because he’s a fucking rapist.

PossumintheHouse · 27/03/2024 16:16

donnelly2021 · 27/03/2024 15:50

I did speak to him about it.
I worded it very carefully to not come across as an accuser so there would not be a defence needed kind of thing.
He said he was sorry and thought I was awake. He said he feels sick that I feel this way (violated) and it won't happen again.
He has also said, because of our (my) issues he does feels it's circumstantial that I feel violated - if we were in a better place relationship wise or my health was better (which is also my fault for not pushing for quicker answers) then it wouldn't have been a problem as we "own" each other and he should - as should I - be able to wake the other person by doing sexual acts because we are each others possession basically...

This is horrifying. Please, please do not view this as an acceptable response to his behaviour.
He thought you were awake? Lie.
He feels it's circumstantial that you feel violated? Gaslighting.
You "own" each other and can do whatever you like because you're a "possession"? A lie, gaslighting, and rape.
Please leave. Keep asking for help on here.

SamW98 · 27/03/2024 16:16

There’s nothing to be confused about OP - I know it’s hard to hear but your husband is a rapist and is victim blaming you for being a disgusting predatory sexual abuser. His excuses are no different to if he dragged a woman down an alley way and bonded her for walking home alone.

It doesn’t matter how often you do or don’t have consensual sex he is still fucking raping you in your sleep. There is NO EXCUSE for his behaviour. If you reported him, he could go to prison for several years because what he’s doing really is THAT serious. He really is a piece of shit OP.

WinterDeWinter · 27/03/2024 16:18

he's hugging you because he thinks he got away with rape.

pikkumyy77 · 27/03/2024 16:20

This gets worse snd worse. Don’t go to an abuser to try to figure out why they abuse you.

SamW98 · 27/03/2024 16:23

pikkumyy77 · 27/03/2024 16:20

This gets worse snd worse. Don’t go to an abuser to try to figure out why they abuse you.

Absolutely.

OP - you’ve asked your rapist why he rapes you and he’s told you it’s your fault.

Honestly this has to be the worst thread I’ve ever read on MN against some pretty stiff competition.

Hes an absolute fucking animal

namechangeaaargh · 27/03/2024 16:32

Assuming this is genuine (there was a troll posting some very similar things a few weeks ago) then you need to either leave or throw him out and contact the police as it's rape. And contact Women's Aid.

Original poster
donnelly2021 · 27/03/2024 16:33

I'm sorry I've disappointed and gone against some advice on here.
I can't get out right now, I have no family - my parents died when I was young and 4 children who attend school etc so it's abit tricky. I also start my new job which requires training soon and I don't have any support with childcare. It's such a shit position that is quite surreal to be in to be honest I'm still trying to get my head around anything but I needed to speak to him about it to at least say "do not do it again" to try and gain some mental safety I suppose. I feel numb and shaky and I'm just trying to put my head down and get on with household things

OP posts:
Original poster
donnelly2021 · 27/03/2024 16:35

namechangeaaargh · 27/03/2024 16:32

Assuming this is genuine (there was a troll posting some very similar things a few weeks ago) then you need to either leave or throw him out and contact the police as it's rape. And contact Women's Aid.

I'm not a troll (not even sure what that is) I'm just very limited with support and trying to process and plan what I need to do

OP posts:
Coldupnorth7 · 27/03/2024 16:36

Jeez, one or twice a week is plenty. I bet he'd be expecting daily and still moaning if you were not in pain.

You need some help in real life.

Police/women's aid/therapy to get some perspective and actual physical help.

Wiseoldminerva · 27/03/2024 16:36

I feel for you.

What about saying to him “we will not be having sex AT ALL in this bedroom.” And then he really cannot lean on the lame excuse of you not being awake.

ivowtotheemybiscuittin · 27/03/2024 16:37

Tell him that in future unless he has a written agreement signed by you immediately before sex he should assume that you're not consenting and he's committing rape.
He's abusing you and raping you. He knows he is, you know he is. If you don't fancy the idea of being raped for the rest of your life then you need to leave or throw him out. He's not going to stop.
And it doesn't matter if he thinks your sex life is normal or not. Non-consensual sex = rape. Any jury would find him guilty. You are NOT his possession.