Husband touching me in my sleep

[donnelly2021]

Hi,
I woke up last night to my H giving me oral sex with his fingers inside me. When I woke up he said he was sorry (he tried to carry on and I was drifting in and out of sleep before waking) and he thought I was awake when I clearly was not...We haven't had a very good sex life recently so maybe it's my own fault for not just giving in (I usually put up and shut up about the pain and just deal with it for an easier life) - we've had many discussions regarding sex and that I felt like a sex doll as intimacy was the only time I received any type of attention from him however due to my health I'm in pain from any sort of sexual act (going through tests with the dr) and he is aware of this...
This isn't the first time this has happened in the last couple of months, it is the 3rd time the other two times I woke to him inside me (having intercourse with me) and the 2nd I woke up before he could enter.
What do I do because I'm scared to say out loud to him what I think it is but he is fully awake so it's not in his sleep...but we have a family and already going through some issues and I really don't need it what to do...

I'm so so sorry OP 😔

I'm not the one who needs to grow up.

I am trying to support a very upset and traumatised woman.

You are trying to bully a stranger.

I think we can all see who needs to mature.

Hope you had a night where you were left alone OP

This is rape, there's no other word for it. We'll all tell you to leave for your own safety but if your not ready to I'd seriously consider setting up a camera in your bedroom.

This. Was shocked to read that after all the good advice OP decided that she was going to address it by talking to him 🙈

OP talking to him will achieve absolutely nothing apart from him attempting to shift the blame on to you. Sharing a bed with him again will leave you vulnerable to being raped again.

This happened to someone we know. Guy, her partner, was drugging and raping her and filming it. Only got caught because the videos were sent to the wrong party when she accused him. He did go to jail but it wrecked her physical and MH.

The pain might well be related to nights when you don't wake up.

I would definitely get hold of a camera and see what goes on but preferably report it and get him out of the house asap. No way to live.

I hope you've had second thoughts about having a convo with him op. I hope you're listening to the advice you've got here.

What do you expect to achieve with a conversation with someone who has attacked you several times in your sleep? Who enjoys the memory of it and asks for your knickers in order to get off?

Even if he apologised and seemed genuine (although thats not possible now) and never attacked you again,can you honestly say you'd ever be comfortable sleeping in the same house as him again? And that, the hurt and anger at what he has done to you, would ever allow you to feel comfortable in his presence? Or the fear, safe?

This marriage is over.
And this man is dangerous so you need to get out safely. Do not alert him that you are planning to leave. If he gets arrested, that would help you get away from him safely.

I cant remember if you have kids but- Don't raise kids in a household where their mother has to live as a trapped and broken thing. With her captor. Your children deserve a happy, safe mother. And a rolemodel who removes bad peopl from her life.

Any conversation with him will likely just end up with:

you being made to feel like you are 'overreacting' or 'being unfair' or 'misunderstanding' him. Chances are there will be talk about how if you leave, you are 'breaking the family apart' or 'not willing to fight for us' (ps: heads up- HE broke the family when he assaulted you. And there is no 'us', his actions saw to that).

Maybe there will be a side serving of - DARVO (deny attack, reverse victim with offender). Where he makes out everything is your fault. Or, an abusers personal favorite move, when they Instead of apologising what they did, bring up something you supposedly did wrong to them in the past and shift the conversation onto that.

That's what to expect with a conversation with his sort. Alternatively, he may act sorry and sheepish. But you'll catch something... 'off'. A smirk in the corner of his mouth. Because he's laughing at you. He's laughing at your pain. He's laughing because you think he cares. And that's...hilarious to him. Because he doesn't, and he thinks himself so smart and you, so stupid.

Even if he appears sorry - he will attack you again if you stay.

He's a rapist and he's disgusting. Have you got anyone close to you who you can tell/talk too. This is so wrong x

He's a rapist and you're scared of him. You will never be happy with him in your life.

For your own sanity you need to leave. Do you have anywhere you could stay or could you book into a hotel for a bit?

This man has raped you, repeatedly.

Report him to the police.

He has no respect for you or women in general for that matter and he sees you as an object to use for his sexual gratification.

If he’s willing to do this to his own wife who he claims to love, it would surprise me that he’d think nothing of assaulting a stranger.

I am sorry OP, that sounds truly awful. I am hearing in your replies that you find it difficult to address it with him and probably the authorities as well. Could you at least lock yourself in a spare bedroom for the time being? You need to physically heal. I would also let the medical staff already treating with your pain issues know because the treatment protocol might then change.

Or hide 'evidence

But she has explicitly experienced physical abuse.

That's what sexual assault and rape is

I believe that you are drugged. This means over time he might give you higher doses. Perhaps he does drug you already at high doses and sometimes because you have eaten or because of the timing you wake up. This is rape. Breathe, take your time. You are not safe. Only you can fix this. All the best OP.

I'm afraid I agree with this - it sounds like she's being incapacitated so he can do what he likes to her without her consent.

Thanks it's more the inappropriate timing I have the problem with especially around Dd and DS just yesterday I was watching something with DD in her room and he sent DS upstairs to ask and I quote "how long has the film got left because he wants to wrestle!" I could if died!!!

It's horribly shocking to accept this is happening to you, and it's going to take time. I wouldn't talk to him, I would quietly take steps to give yourself a safety net first.

There is a strong chance he is drugging and filming you. Which is why you need to talk to the Police when you're ready.

OP, been thinking about you today.

I'm sure this thread hasn't been easy to read and it's very plausible that you'll just distance yourself from it. If not now I hope you realise that (most of) these posts come from a good place

OP are you ok?

I hope you are ok and safe OP. Do you think it is a possibility he is slipping you something? It might be the cause of your pain if he is raping you repeatedly. It made me feel sick typing that.
You may paper over the cracks, you may put your head down and get on with it but you will never feel safe. You will never BE safe. Your H is a very disturbed and dangerous man. It won't end well if you ignore this and stay with him. It will destroy you.
I am saddened to see an (obviously male) rape apologist on this thread but it is becoming more and more common unfortunately. Be aware OP that there are a fair few posters on this site that enjoy encouraging women to stay with their abusers.

Are you OK OP? It is difficult to process what you have heard on this thread from the well wishers - not the male apologist - but as soon as you can, please tell someone else - preferably police, GP or whoever treats your pain, or Womens Aid. Your H has messed with your head as well as your body, to the extent that you think you can or should accommodate what he has done. But it is totally unacceptable - be strong enough to realise that. Talking with him will not change anything. You need to act urgently to protect yourself and DC. Sending you love and strong vibes.

How long have you had narcolepsy? From before you met him?

@donnelly2021 I hope you are ok. You sounded like you were in a lot of physical pain as well as being traumatised.