Husband touching me in my sleep

[donnelly2021]

Hi,
I woke up last night to my H giving me oral sex with his fingers inside me. When I woke up he said he was sorry (he tried to carry on and I was drifting in and out of sleep before waking) and he thought I was awake when I clearly was not...We haven't had a very good sex life recently so maybe it's my own fault for not just giving in (I usually put up and shut up about the pain and just deal with it for an easier life) - we've had many discussions regarding sex and that I felt like a sex doll as intimacy was the only time I received any type of attention from him however due to my health I'm in pain from any sort of sexual act (going through tests with the dr) and he is aware of this...
This isn't the first time this has happened in the last couple of months, it is the 3rd time the other two times I woke to him inside me (having intercourse with me) and the 2nd I woke up before he could enter.
What do I do because I'm scared to say out loud to him what I think it is but he is fully awake so it's not in his sleep...but we have a family and already going through some issues and I really don't need it what to do...

Is rape not physical abuse? Performing oral sex on someone's unconscious body?

Having someone with her means he can't gaslight her into believing she "wanted it". It also offers her support knowing someone believes her and she isn't overreacting/crazy and he can hardly escalate the already appalling situation or attempt to "show" her how much she "likes it".

Stop twisiting what I said.

As you fulwal know my post was in response to
"op have someone with you" ie when OP speaks to her husband of many years and op has not indicated any phycial/verabl abuse

Why would the OP need someone there with them and who should it be

I've said why she should have someone.

He has already inflicted physical abuse on her before. It's feasible he'll do it again.

I literally answered (most) of that in the second part of my post. That is the why. The who? Someone she trusts. A close sibling, close friend, parent, cousin, grandparent etc. someone on her side who won't be swayed by him.

Also it is not "twisting" what you said when you questioned whether he was abusive. You asked, I answered.

And to wrap this up, I didn't actually make the initial suggestion for OP to have someone with her, I just explain why she may want to.

I know you did not but you and others jumped on the bandwagon

There is no reason for OP to have anyone else present when she speaks to her husband of many years and children in another room and I'm standing by that unless OP comes back and states there has been incidents of being attacked verbally abused etc

The number FM's stating "divorce him" etc etc. I'm fed up with the trip often spouted without thinking doe a second that "divorce" is easier said than done. The reason for this, over the years I've heard doxens of women rant in the office, 2if he did this to me, that to me, if that etc., I'll kick him out/leave him/divorce him/cut of his....etc.etc" Come the day they found out dear hubby/aprtenr is a series chect with their best friend etc, most broke down in tears and went off sick and or begged their OH to stay. As I said, its easier said than done

OP will be the best judge if she needs a third party in the convo - and I bet you she does not leave him unless OP has not declared other stuff we may not be aware of.

Exactly, OP is best placed to decide that. So your statement that "there is no need for OP to have anyone" is redundant.

I'm amazed you can't see the correlation between sexually abusive and physically/verbally/emotionally abusive. What, suddenly he has morals and draws the line?
Wouldn't want to say something he can't take back but will happily do many things he can't.

A dangerous person is a dangerous person. How can she possibly trust that he won't hurt her (again)?

As someone who has confronted their rapist before, he decided to show me how much I enjoyed the sex and therefore it couldn't be rape....by raping me again.

This is so shocking. What an absolute creep he is. do you have anyone you can go and stay with? Do you have anyone you can confide in who won't take his side? You should talk to women's aid and explain everything to them. 💐

Ahh so you responded to me but it's me who must keep up. Gotcha.

Also, by constantly stating 'FGS' and telling everyone to grow up and keep up, you're just showing that you've no idea wtf is going on.

You have no idea of who said what and what I was responding to "

"Gotcha" really!! You are playing games and I am trying to help the OP

OP, good luck and I hope its all sorted in the morning

Oh so quoting me and replying doesn't mean you're responding to me?

There is absolutely no way you're trying to help OP. You're more harm than good.

We haven't had a very good sex life recently so maybe it's my own fault for not just giving in (I usually put up and shut up about the pain and just deal with it for an easier life)

It sounds like you are trying to take the blame. Please don't accept his rubbish excuses.

You need to leave - in the meantime I would go and sleep on the sofa in a onesie.

Op for the love of goodness:
Do not discus the rape with your rapist! Just get out of there!!!!!!

If you're sleeping there tonight, put a chest of drawers infront of your bedroom door so he can't get in whilst you sleep.

I dunno what's going on with the recent replies.
If someone rapes you, they are a rapist. Shared history means absolutely fuck all after that.
And no, op shouldn't confront them, it's not safe.

This person has already committed violence on several occasions against op. She was asleep on those occasions, but that does not necessarily mean she will be safe whist awake.

Especially seen as he seems more and more emboldened to attack her. This is the third time! (That she knows about).

Also,if she tells him it's rape, he may worry she will leave him or go to the police - and attack and kill her!

So having someone else there at least, is sensible. Tbh though, the conversation she should have, is with the police.

I'm so sorry you're going through this op - the confusion in your posts is almost palpable, it's so sad to read.

I think you know exactly what this is, but I get the fight that must be going on in your mind trying to square what you know is happening to you with the perpetrator of your pain being a man you love. It's such a huge betrayal of your trust; you're shaking because your body is reacting to being repeatedly violated - whilst your brain fights to rationalise what is happening, your body will respond naturally to the stress it's enduring. This is so far beyond stern words, he knows exactly what he is doing.

Please please speak to someone IRL. You've been really brave posting but as wonderful as the women are on here you need real life help to support you through this too. I get reporting him to the police might be too huge for you right now but going through this alone will drive you mad.

This man is seriously dangerous and he's done such a good job gaslighting you that you've handed your underwear over to him like it's a completely normal thing to do (please don't take this as a criticism of you, more of an acknowledgment of how much this man has ground you down) He won't stop, this is exactly who he is and you probably only know a tiny fraction of his depravity.

I've only read your posts so I don't know if others have mentioned it and I don't want to alarm you even further, the situation is already grim enough - but there are specific porn categories for this kind of thing, please check there's no hidden cameras in your room.

I really hope one day very soon you find the strength to leave

He is a rapist, and is committing a violent assault on you because he doesn’t care that you’re in pain. He is a truly evil piece of scum OP. Please contact the police, they will be able to help you. His defence that he thought you were awake is a pile of shit and the police will see through it. You can’t consent when you’re asleep. It’s rape.

@CatamaranViper I believe @DistinguishedSocialCommentator to be a man. Their complete lack of empathy towards OP does not make me want to change that view.

OP has said she is scared of him. He is violent, he has caused OP pain. Please stop commenting, you’re really not helping.

maybe it's my own fault for not just giving in (I usually put up and shut up about the pain and just deal with it for an easier life)

Sorry to drip feed my responses. He’s coercing you into sex that you don’t want and is painful for you, and you’re blaming yourself for this awful situation. This is very wrong. It’s not your fault OP. Please seek help and try to find the courage to leave this awful abusive man.

@DistinguishedSocialCommentator

Your posts are just about as ridiculous as your username

My Partner was a bit like always this trying his luck at night I just tell him straight I'm not in the mood! I'll make it up to you before the school run which he reminds me about the second i open my eyes 🙄🙄🙄

Believe me I understand giving in just to get him off your back and it does feel like the easier option your but you've got to think of yourself

Have you tried talking to him about it and explaining you don't like it?

This really isn't the same thing and is massively minimising what is happening here (albeit probably unintentionally, I'm not having a go - I just don't want the op to be swayed into thinking this is in any way normal). The OPs husband isn't 'trying his luck' - he is raping his unconscious wife.

For the record though, your situation sounds grim too - nobody should be badgering you for sex; you are not obligated to negotiate an alternative time to say no to unwanted sex.

@DistinguishedSocialCommentator are you for real? You respond to the op whose husband is raping her whilst she sleeps with 'good luck and I hope its all sorted in the morning'?

I've reported your posts - derailing a thread where a vulnerable woman is asking for help is fucking shameful.

Fucking hell what have i just read.

Op, this is absolutely not ‘i’ll have a word with him over the weekend’ territory.

HE IS RAPING YOU.

OF COURSE he knows you’re asleep. Because it will be bloody obvious.

Call women’s aid immediately, and then the police. You’re not safe. Do you have any family or friends who can support you?

@donnelly2021 sadly, i fear the OP is not going to involve the police regarding this matter. she is leaving herself open to being continually abused and raped but she does not understand this. if she took the child out of the equation, she might put her logical head on. it doesnt matter if the child adores their father or not, his behaviour with the mother is totally unacceptable and disgraceful! she needs to discuss this with the appropriate authorities now. no amount of talking to her hubby is going to change his behaviour because he has been getting away with this for a while. due to her narcolepsy, she honestly could never be sure how many times he has done this to her!! he knew he was doing wrong and then to ask for her underwear?? wtf is she thinking of giving it to him? I would have immediately put undies in the washing machine!