On being called a "pricktease"

[BimbledAgain]

The background is we've been dating a couple of weeks. We've not dtd yet but are indulging in some heavy petting on the sofa. I'm not ready to have sex and call a halt to it when he begins to push for way beyond what I want. Later he calls me a prick tease for not following through to sex and tells me it's wrong that he had to go home and masturbate. We later discuss his 'pricktease' comment and he apologises.

Fast forward a few weeks and our relationship is fully sexual (and it's great - amazing in fact), but another discussion ensues where he tells me I shouldn't start any physically intimate activity if I'm not prepared to follow through to full intercourse or if I don't tell him upfront that it's not going to end in full sex, so at least he's prepared to not expect that outcome. Once again I'm called a prick tease for what happened in that original evening.

I find the comments highly disturbing. Is this really how people conduct themselves sexually. I can't imagine ever imposing such obligations on another person for something that to me should happen organically and without expectation.

Well if he didn't expect sex all the time then he wouldn't be disappointed, would he?

Some people are just happy with the preamble sometimes. He clearly wouldn't be.

And what a mood-killer discussing it every time first would be

Has she communicated that to him? To some people, a kiss and a cuddle is foreplay. To some people, a kiss and a cuddle is the start of something. If people were more clear in their communications in general, we'd all know where we stand.

As someone who doesn't pick up subtle cues, nor naturally understands other people's intentions, I rely on other people to communicate their expectations to me. Me asking for clarity for situations is not me trying to force actions from others.

In the OP's case, they just don't sound compatible. They have different approaches to intimacy and dont seem to be able to communicate well. That's fine. But calling him a potential rapist because he doesn't like not knowing her intentions is a massive leap.

This sounds very like a relationship I ensured for three years. My advice would be to get out.

It is sexually coercive and in my experience got so much worse.

There are decent men out there, get yourself one of them instead of this arsehole.

Well he’s letting you know ‘who he is’ early in the relationship. So that’s a good start. If he gets drunk and you forget to tell him up front that it’s not a ‘full sex’ kiss and cuddle. I wonder if he’ll be justifying him raping you the evening before. You know, that would really be your fault for no following the rules 🙄

Sadly not but she SHOULD be able to say that

I see your "As someone who doesn't pick up subtle cues, nor naturally understands other people's intentions," and raise you my actual clinical diagnosis for autism.

Yet I don't make it a condition of a relationship that my partners tell me upfront every time whether they are committing to sex or not when initiating sexual contact. I take the physical affection at face value. I might ask "how far do you want to go with this?" but that's not the same as demanding an upfront "just so you know, we aren't fucking" because:

1. the question is open-ended and allows for answers like "let's see what happens" and "I don't know".
2. I've taken responsibility for asking instead of dumping the responsibility on her by making it a condition of our relationship that she must tell me upfront.

The safe default behaviour in any sexual situation is to take the current activity at face value and not assume its a promise to escalate, and to ask before you escalate.

Sucking at people skills isn't an excuse for rapey behaviour.

I think he is disrespectful and rude.As others have said I would not want to continue this RL TBH

I am clinically diagnosed autistic too. Except I have learned not to take everything at face value because people aren't upfront with their intentions and expectations, but instead they expect you to automatically understand the things they think is obvious. For example, if a guy invites me back to his place for a coffee after a date, I don't automatically assume he genuinely means coffee, nor do I assume he means sex. I will ask what his intentions are with the invite because when it comes to sex, it is dangerous to assume anything. Especially because it is the woman who gets hurt 99.9% of the time.

For whatever reason, the OP wasn't put off by this guy being derogatory towards her and chose to start a sexual relationship with her. Maybe she had boundary issues. Maybe she has low standards. Who knows. But there is nothing wrong with him wanting to know what is happening, and there is nothing wrong with her not wanting to decide ahead of time. These two wants are just not compatible. It doesn't make either of them wrong or "rapey".

OK, so let's say the OP genuinely thinks she might be up for sex, so she kisses him etc. without saying "There won't be any sex tonight", because she thinks she will want to have sex.

But when it comes to it, she can't get aroused enough. Or she feels unwell. Or the mood just fades. So she says no.

When (not if) that scenario eventually happens, he will call her a pricktease. He will lay on the guilt about how she wasn't upfront with him about not wanting to have sex. He will say that he made clear that he expects advance notice when there won't be sex, and she hasn't provided that advance notice, so she only has herself to blame when he insults her...

^^ All of the above is sexual coercion. Designed to beat down her defences so she begrudgingly allows him to have sex on her.

That is why what he has told her is unacceptable. It's literally laying the groundwork for sexual coercion.

For example, if a guy invites me back to his place for a coffee after a date, I don't automatically assume he genuinely means coffee, nor do I assume he means sex. I will ask what his intentions are with the invite because when it comes to sex, it is dangerous to assume anything. Especially because it is the woman who gets hurt 99.9% of the time.

You're not wrong there. We are three times more likely than our neurotypical counterparts to be raped because of our inability to read between the lines. I also think that you have misinterpreted what I wrote.

The safe default behaviour in any sexual situation is to take the current activity at face value and not assume its a promise to escalate, and to ask before you escalate.

This a statement about how I think individuals should govern their own behaviour and not making someone else responsible for their expectations. It's how I behave and believe that everyone should behave: if in doubt, check. There would be no rape if everyone did this. This statement does not preclude us, as autistic women, asking extra questions in order to make IMO [https://autisticscienceperson.com/2023/03/06/neurotypical-accommodations-and-unwritten-rules/ unreasonable adjustments for NTs]] who "expect you to automatically understand the things they think is obvious" and so minimise the chance of us falling into an expectation trap. When we do this, we are minimising our risk in a neurotypical patriarchy.

The OP's "D"P isn't taking physical contact at face value with no expectation of escalation, nor is he taking responsibility for managing his own expectations, nor is he minimising his risk of being sexually assaulted. He is making her responsible for managing his expectations. He is placing expectations on her that imply that she is saying "yes" unless she says "no".

The difference is it is much easier for a man to rape a woman or coerce her in to sex....than it is for a woman to do the same.

"can you let me know if this is just a make-out session so I don't get disappointed"

There's presumption of sex inherent to that wording of the question. "How far do you want to take this?" doesn't have that presumption.

The issue lies in making her responsible for his arousal. That’s not ok.

He sounds like a very controlling immature child, this is not adult behaviour,

Yep. First rule of misogyny - Women are responsible for what men do

It's so grim that he felt comfortable complaining out loud to you that he had to go home and masturbate...like you didn't provide a service or something. I'd have dumped him there and then.

I think it was deliberate boundary pushing. He's establishing exactly what sort of behaviour she will put up with.

He sounds sexually coercive op.

The default expectation should not be full penetrative sex, with you having to opt out of it/declare you're opting out.

Such an expectation/view says a lot about his character and attitude to relationships.

I dated a man similar to this ..... I would advise you to get out tbh.

I think the biggest issue for me is that he feels entitled enough to complain about it. Truth be told, I might get a little frustrated with a partner that kept ramping it up then saying "sorry luv, don't feel like it right now", but it's ultimately never an entitlement.

His attitude would make me feel uncomfortable and put me off wanting to be in any way intimate with him.
Throw him back, he's a dud.

The things he is saying are giving off some very incel/red pill vibes. Like he knows those views aren’t likely to be acceptable to you so he is trying to sanitise them a bit.

So if he is prepared to actually say those things to you, I’d be very worried about what he is really thinking and what his attitudes to women are, what type of conversations he has with male friends etc.

I don’t think this one is a keeper…..

Basically you have no interest in the driver, you just see her as a “vehicle” (object) that will get you to the ice cream, why not pay a prostitute and get straight to the point? It’s the only way to “assure” the ice cream. If you want “free ice cream” you’re going to have to be kind to people, show affection and let them know you’re not there “only for the ice cream”.

The key word there is 'dissapointing'... life if full of dissapointments and we all just have to get on with things. And in the scheme of things this can't be the biggest one.

And besides if the driver changes their mind and said 'actually on reflection I'm feeling a bit sick now or whatever I don't fancy icecream now'... that the passenger can't get one for themselves or say 'don't worry, I really wanted icecream but I'll get one for myself later'.

It's not optimum to the passenger, but as above things in life often aren't.

@HollyKnight I dont see how a man wanting to know what her intentions are is being translated to him wanting to coerce or rape her. The guy just wants to know if the plan will result in him being turned on then left hanging. The term "pricktease" is immature and misogynistic, but it doesn't imply he's trying to force her to do anything. He just wants to know what her expectations are so he can manage his own.

he doesn't want to "manage his expectations", he wants to know he's going to be getting full blown sex whenever she shows affection, it's a passive aggressive way of telling her "be ready for intercourse if you show affection otherwise I'll get angry and call you a prick tease. I'm only interested in affection if sex is on the plate, otherwise don't bother". If a guy said that to me I would stop showing him affection, it would be the biggest mood killer ever.