On being called a "pricktease"

[BimbledAgain]

The background is we've been dating a couple of weeks. We've not dtd yet but are indulging in some heavy petting on the sofa. I'm not ready to have sex and call a halt to it when he begins to push for way beyond what I want. Later he calls me a prick tease for not following through to sex and tells me it's wrong that he had to go home and masturbate. We later discuss his 'pricktease' comment and he apologises.

Fast forward a few weeks and our relationship is fully sexual (and it's great - amazing in fact), but another discussion ensues where he tells me I shouldn't start any physically intimate activity if I'm not prepared to follow through to full intercourse or if I don't tell him upfront that it's not going to end in full sex, so at least he's prepared to not expect that outcome. Once again I'm called a prick tease for what happened in that original evening.

I find the comments highly disturbing. Is this really how people conduct themselves sexually. I can't imagine ever imposing such obligations on another person for something that to me should happen organically and without expectation.

Why do people even date men.
Bin him.
His sense of entitlement to your vagina and nasty behaviour if it's refused tells you all about who he is and how he thinks of women.

He sounds disgusting and immature, at best.

Probably so he can stop kissing etc as soon as possible because he's not going to get what he wants out of it and then he can blame the OPs not wanting sex as the reason to not give her physical affection unless he gets to have sex

It's all about his pleasure really isn't it and how OP isn't actually worth the effort to him unless he gets a "reward"

He sounds like a bit of a rapey Joe. You can withdraw consent at any stage of intimacy for what ever reason you like. You could spend every minute or every day telling him you can't wait to ride him like a pony and you are well within your rights to say no. I'd be getting rid of this guy quickly , he's trying to guilt trip you into sex and being compliant and believing that you can't say no because you didn't for warn him and then he'll be all sad.

@kkloo "Him expecting sex is a him problem." That's whatI thought too.

No he didn't.

I think this is one of those fundamental differences between men and women. Most men don't tend to start anything physical just for the sake of it. For them, the purpose is to end with sex. The smart ones can and do learn to understand that that is not how it is for most women, and that women can enjoy foreplay in itself without it leading to sex.

I think your guy is realising this now, and would just like know what the goal is for you so he can manage his expectations.

The thing is he is very giving in bed. I just can't imagine if I did make a statement up front to say I don't want sex that he would then lose interest... maybe he would....but it's hard to imagine. But then I thoroughly enjoy just being intimate with someone for and of itself.

I do appreciate all your replies which are restoring my faith in what's 'normal'. Thank you.

This is really revolting.

A grown man who can’t deal with a bit of arousal and intimacy that doesn’t end in shooting his load. What is he, 17?

It’s beyond ick, it’s super rapey.

I do think there’s something to be said for clear communication when it comes to intimacy and sex, setting expectations and boundaries etc. But I don’t think this is a case of lack of communication, I think he’s just a rapey bastard.

get rid.

Look

Can you stop with the rapey usage. It is rape. It is awful. It doesn't need or warrant a little cutesy rename. Rape is rape. There's no grading.

I agree. But using the word “prick tease” - sorry insult, prick tease isn’t him coming to some profound realisation about the sexual differences between men and women. It’s just an act of him using a derogatory term to make the OP feel shit because he was disappointed and rejected.

He could have said “I’m a bit confused, I thought X and you thought Y, can we talk about it so both of us know where we stand” but he didn’t - and he didn’t because hes the sort of man who uses the term prick tease and therefore has zero emotional intelligence

Get rid
2xweeks is too long
Plenty of decent men out there , educate yourself

Yes he did!

"another discussion ensues where he tells me I shouldn't start any physically intimate activity if I'm not prepared to follow through to full intercourse or if I don't tell him upfront that it's not going to end in full sex, so at least he's prepared to not expect that outcome. Once again I'm called a prick tease for what happened in that original evening."

ETA. Just saw the update, so the OP clarified that it doesn't have to be full sex every time but she needs to let him know in advance

I did make a statement up front to say I don't want sex that he would then lose interest.

From the man who told you it was "wrong" that he had to go home and masturbate, and called you a prick tease?

He's already shown you he's not really interested if there is no sex

You know that whole "if he tells you who he is believe it" things

He's telling you who he is and you are finding excuses for him. And I get that, but honestly this is incredibly poor behaviour from him, and on multiple occasions.

I agree. But like I said, the smart ones figure it out, hopefully with maturity. Others are just stupid and react like misogynistic teenage boys with their language or behaviour (the sulking 🙄).

He sounds smart enough to realise this is something they differ on, but not smart enough to communicate that maturely.

Sorry my post may have been confusing. What I meant there was that if I did say that I didn't want sex upfront, it's hard for me to imagine in that scenario that he wouldn't then back off and not be physically intimate with me. Because I enjoy being physically intimate just for the closeness and pleasure it brings, I guess I'm assuming he would enjoy it too, but I don't know. That situation has not arisen since we started having sex.

There is no suggestion that he would rape me, that feels so far from who I know he is, despite the entitlement that I feel is inherent in the views he's expressed.

"Pricktease" is an awful misogynist insult. I'd have ended it there. Why on earth did you carry on seeing a man who thinks you owe him sex?

I would know a lot of the time but sometimes I wouldn't so like you I'd rather let things happen organically.

The fact he needs a heads up would make me think he doesn't enjoy the rest of the stuff that much and it's a disappointment for him, which would turn me off him anyway.

"another discussion ensues where he tells me I shouldn't start any physically intimate activity if I'm not prepared to follow through to full intercourse or if I don't tell him upfront that it's not going to end in full sex, so at least he's prepared to not expect that outcome. Once again I'm called a prick tease for what happened in that original evening."

This man has all the red flags of a potential rapist OP. What on earth are you thinking?

No-one realises the man they are spending time with is a rapist... until he actually does it. Rapists don't come with signs on their heads. They look like normal men, and the only giveaways are when they come out with stuff like this. Pay attention.

There is no suggestion that he would rape me, that feels so far from who I know he is, despite the entitlement that I feel is inherent in the views he's expressed.

I'd be turned off him completely. I wonder how many women he's coerced into sex or tried to shame them or make them feel like they had done something wrong by not having sex early on with him....or when they didn't want to have full sex.

Absolutely.
Bad enough that he said it in the first place...but then the fact that weeks later he mentions it again and refers to the OP being a pricktease at 2 weeks in. That just shows the extreme level of entitlement. He doesn't appear to have any respect for you OP.
At a few weeks in most misogynists wouldn't have slipped up yet but this guy already has. It's an absolutely massive flashing warning sign.

This is the second thread I've read in as many months where a man at the early start of a relationship complains that he had to go home and masturbate because a woman didn't satisfy his needs at the time.

God almighty!!

Just...yuk...what a horrible misogynistic man-baby...

I've been single for many years but yeah thinking back I can't remember a time when I'd have French kissed my husband or started touching him intimately without wanting it to lead to full sex, at the time. Why the hell would I? It would be like cooking a meal then deciding to just leave it on the side uneaten.

I've often been told I have a man's attitude to sex for other reasons and it seems this is just another aspect of it.

I find it scary you saw him again after this comments about going home to masterbate. That was was such a huge red flag.