On being called a "pricktease"

[BimbledAgain]

The background is we've been dating a couple of weeks. We've not dtd yet but are indulging in some heavy petting on the sofa. I'm not ready to have sex and call a halt to it when he begins to push for way beyond what I want. Later he calls me a prick tease for not following through to sex and tells me it's wrong that he had to go home and masturbate. We later discuss his 'pricktease' comment and he apologises.

Fast forward a few weeks and our relationship is fully sexual (and it's great - amazing in fact), but another discussion ensues where he tells me I shouldn't start any physically intimate activity if I'm not prepared to follow through to full intercourse or if I don't tell him upfront that it's not going to end in full sex, so at least he's prepared to not expect that outcome. Once again I'm called a prick tease for what happened in that original evening.

I find the comments highly disturbing. Is this really how people conduct themselves sexually. I can't imagine ever imposing such obligations on another person for something that to me should happen organically and without expectation.

He had the option to say:

"If you just want to kiss / pet heavily, but don't feel like having sex, I'd be really grateful if you could let me know, as otherwise I can feel a little uncomfortable / disappointed / whatever. Can we think of a way you could communicate that to me? But of course, I would never want you to feel you couldn't change your mind at any point, as I'm not interested in having sex if you don't also feel enthusiastic about it"

Instead of using a misogynist slur to shame you into having sex even when you don't want to...

Honestly it's only been a few weeks, this is his best side you're seeing so I would run for the hills.

Again thank you everyone, I really appreciate you replies. Part of what made me post here is a google search which took me to a forum that looked geared towards perhaps students? .... a number of replies to a similar sort of question had responders saying that you shouldn't give a man the impression he might get sex if you are not prepared to follow through. I was quite shocked to see their responses.. and that's what got me questioning?

That comment should have been the end of the 'relationship'. Now he's said it again. Please listen.

Because they are allowed to change their mind, @EvenMoreFuriousVexation, or because something becomes painful or uncomfortable, or because they just aren’t getting aroused for some reason.

Or because there is nothing wrong with just having a kiss and a cuddle, or even heavy letting, without having to go on to full, penetrative sex.

Every person has the absolute right to withdraw consent to sex at any point - if you don’t believe that, you are condoning coercive sex/rape. Yes. Rape. If someone cannot decide to say ‘No’ to continuing with sex, then the sex is not consensual - and that is rape.

It is frightening what people are prepared to put up with or normalise.

But you know yourself-this isn't OK.

Yikes. What did I just read? End it now.

I’m dating someone who is about 9 years older than me. I’m in my thirties and he is in his forties, and my friends were worried as they thought he may be just after a younger thing who’ll have sex with him etc… he has never behaved anywhere near to this. We have a lot of sex, but we also have a lot of nights of sofa cuddling and kissing etc without going further. He doesn’t push it, he doesn’t complain. We call them “bogus high school make out sessions” as a joke but we both know it’s just some affection when we can’t stay the night and it doesn’t have to turn into sex. We can just be together.

It’s not normal for him to call you names or treat you like that. And it’s really not normal to say you can’t have any intimacy unless it is going to lead to sex. I think he is showing you who is fundamentally is, and that’s not a good base personality. Why are you staying with him?

I agree with this but each to their own. I think his comments are unnecessary as his view can be discussed in a much more mature and respectful way. I don’t think your compatible here so I can see how it’s going to work long term

Surely there is something to be enjoyed from physical intimacy even if you don't dtd?

He said it has to lead to full intercourse every time!!

She didn't say anything about just stopping and getting up. In the later conversation he was again referring to the original time he had called her a prick tease, which was at 2 weeks in, when it's very normal to stop anyway.

And later on in relationships, saying it always has to lead to full intercourse is massively restricting and potentially boring also. Lots of people like a variety, sometimes oral, sometimes hands, sometimes mutual, sometimes focused on one and sometimes people do stop for a tease because they both enjoy it!

Because some people don't want sex on the first night, week, month.

The first time he said that would have been the end for me. I would never have had sex with him after that. Disgusting thing to say. He sounds like a massive creep.

Absolutely.
I wouldn't want to do the same thing every time and like to enjoy physical intimacy in all sorts of different ways.

I couldn't have got passed the first time.. why on earth did you let it progress to the point where he's said he's likely going to rape you if you don't give him a heads up first!

Bloody hell, OP - raise your standards!

I've changed my mind literally in the middle of sex before on a couple of occasions and my DH has stopped immediately and just cuddled instead.

He's not a hero for this or special etc (although I love him dearly) but this is basically the minimum fucking standard.

The idea that you should be willing to commit to full sex at the point of kissing is abhorrent

To clarify, he didn't say it had to lead to full sex every time. But said if he knew up front that it wasn't going to, then at least he would be prepared.

The thing is I don't always know up front if I want it to lead to full sex, it's something that happens organically.

He didn't say this and it was never the implication and nor have I felt it would come to it. He just said he would find it very difficult to be given the expectation of sex (even though this was just thought being physically intimate) and then not having it.

So you never kiss your partner unless it leads to full sex? You'd never just have a bit of a snog and a grope in the kitchen knowing more will come later? Never started something and thought actually, I'm tired / headache / not feeling it?

I actually think only getting half way through the bases in the early days and noticing his response is a good way to get an idea how safe you'll be.

But that's the implication

Because if you are expected to say that its not going to lead to sex, then essentially he's putting you in a position when you are in the wrong when you don't tell him this and then you suddenly decided you don't want sex after all

Is he offering you the heads up? Or is it just men who require this?

But he called you a name because he didn't get what he wanted, and he barely knows you. And that's before we get to the issue of what the issue was.

this kind of situation makes you question your every move. in the hot summer can you wear a skimpy nighty or would he expect sex? if your unloading the dishwasher in your tight lulu's would he expect sex? if you hold hands? if you kiss him when he arrives? what if you're at the movie and put your hand on his thigh? At some point it's ridiculous and will totally stop you from holding his hand, rubbing his shoulders or even putting sun cream on his back...there is no end to when simple touch can become sexual or give sexual vibes.

That's a good point.

😳😳😳😳😳😳😳

Yes I was wondering this too.