On being called a "pricktease"

[BimbledAgain]

The background is we've been dating a couple of weeks. We've not dtd yet but are indulging in some heavy petting on the sofa. I'm not ready to have sex and call a halt to it when he begins to push for way beyond what I want. Later he calls me a prick tease for not following through to sex and tells me it's wrong that he had to go home and masturbate. We later discuss his 'pricktease' comment and he apologises.

Fast forward a few weeks and our relationship is fully sexual (and it's great - amazing in fact), but another discussion ensues where he tells me I shouldn't start any physically intimate activity if I'm not prepared to follow through to full intercourse or if I don't tell him upfront that it's not going to end in full sex, so at least he's prepared to not expect that outcome. Once again I'm called a prick tease for what happened in that original evening.

I find the comments highly disturbing. Is this really how people conduct themselves sexually. I can't imagine ever imposing such obligations on another person for something that to me should happen organically and without expectation.

He sounds utterly vile. How can you respect a man like this?

Bin.

👏👏👏

He's telling you that he thinks it's your fault if you change your mind and he rapes you anyway.

RUN away from this man. Do not walk, RUN.

Because they don't feel ready for sex yet?

Because they realised that they forgot to buy any condoms?

Because they aren't getting as aroused as they hoped they would?

But you don't know him after 2 weeks

A women is supposed to be able to say ''no'' at any stage of intimacy and the man is supposed to comply. Otherwise - what is he doing?

So you’ll be cuddling, he’ll get a boner and all of a sudden expect sex?

absolutely not, you’d be having sex every two minutes!

I actually think only getting half way through the bases in the early days and noticing his response is a good way to get an idea how safe you'll be.

This.

How someone responds to your saying 'no' to something is a good test of the sort of person they are. Always good to establish this as early as possible.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

He sounds like a rapey misogynist

I appreciate his comments indicate that it's either letting him know upfront or then having some obligation to follow through, but it is a very big leap to make to rape.

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist I'm so sorry that happened to you and take on board you comment even in saying it's a very big leap to make.

What do you think an obligation to follow through is, if not rape?

I was once told that if you don't have the freedom to say "no", the fact that you said "yes" is meaningless. He's telling you that you have to say "no" at the very start or else he won't allow you to after that. He wants to restrict your freedom to say "no".

it's either letting him know upfront or then having some obligation to follow through, but it is a very big leap to make to rape.

I'm really, really sorry that you do not see the line of causality from 'obligation to follow through' and yes, rape.

How could accepting an obligation to follow through not be unwanted sexual attention and yes, rape.

Cup of tea consent analogy

Wow I've not heard that expression for such a long time, didn't know people still used it! Tell him he's an entitled little twat and needs to grow up. Then dump him and find yourself an actual adult man to go out with!

He's sounds like a 15 year old. Run for the hills my dear, what a loser?! (Him not you) 😁

This is actually how the conversation went!

I appreciate his comments indicate that it's either letting him know upfront or then having some obligation to follow through, but it is a very big leap to make to rape.

It really isn’t a leap at all. It’s a very thin fine line. The fact he already uses such a misogynistic term as ‘pricktease’ shows you how little respect he has for women regardless of whether you accept that or make excuses for his appalling attitude.

Sadly there’s a long list of women who believed that a man would never rape them and would always take no as an answer

@BimbledAgain I recognise you feel it's a big leap from "you're a prick tease" to rape, but you posted on here for advice because it clearly unsettled you.

Your gut feeling was to reject that term and you knew instinctively it meant bad things about the person saying it.

You googled it, and it sounds like you came across a load of frat boys defending the "prick tease" stance, so you (wisely) decided to ask a wide group of women, of differing ages, experiences, expectations and sex lives what they would think.

Almost unanimously we all feel that it's a short step from "prick tease" to sexual assault or rape, some of us are telling you this because we've been in the position of experiencing that.

You can decide not to follow the group advice here of course. However, I really recommend that you listen to that voice inside of you that's saying "wrong, wrong, wrong" when he calls you a prick tease.

Your gut instinct is incredibly primal and designed to keep you safe, it will have picked up on a lot of other clues as well as the words he says to give that reaction, please listen to it.

Honestly, OP, it’s not as big a leap as you think. Rape isn’t always a big, dramatic event. It can happen really quite insidiously. But it leaves you feeling very unmoored, and hurt, and just absolutely shit.

Don’t let him hurt you. Get rid of him. He’s a misogynist.

Agreed, I've often given younger women the advice to say no to a man about something early on when dating to judge his reaction. It's better to know before you get to sex.

I had to tell one of my male colleagues no the other day, and his sheer visceral rage at me saying no to him genuinely made me wonder about his wife's life

This op. The first time will be ignoring your request to stop becuse he couldnt help it.

I'm listening to what is being said and fully understand the causality that you and others have described.

Hmm I don't think the leap is as big as you think..

Sexual coercion isn't far off and would almost certainly be rape in some cases.

Then leave aside the crime aspect of it and look at the impact it can have on women to have sex when they don't want to or if they 'consent' to acts they don't particularly want because they are worried about the consequences. That can lead to sexual trauma which often isn't talked about.

2 weeks in he called you a prick tease, and now weeks later when you should be more bonded and he should be developing feelings etc he's standing by his stance on it.
And he's not even trying to hide his misogynistic side because he genuinely thinks it's ok. That is extremely worrying.

Which time?
The first time you had the conversation or the second?

I agree with this.
It's all very Jackie Magazine and confused me back in the 1980's.. and still confuses me now. 🥴