On being called a "pricktease"

[BimbledAgain]

The background is we've been dating a couple of weeks. We've not dtd yet but are indulging in some heavy petting on the sofa. I'm not ready to have sex and call a halt to it when he begins to push for way beyond what I want. Later he calls me a prick tease for not following through to sex and tells me it's wrong that he had to go home and masturbate. We later discuss his 'pricktease' comment and he apologises.

Fast forward a few weeks and our relationship is fully sexual (and it's great - amazing in fact), but another discussion ensues where he tells me I shouldn't start any physically intimate activity if I'm not prepared to follow through to full intercourse or if I don't tell him upfront that it's not going to end in full sex, so at least he's prepared to not expect that outcome. Once again I'm called a prick tease for what happened in that original evening.

I find the comments highly disturbing. Is this really how people conduct themselves sexually. I can't imagine ever imposing such obligations on another person for something that to me should happen organically and without expectation.

I posted here seeking a sense of perspective about my feelings on his comments after reading and being very suprised by posts on another forum that suggested 'prickteasing' is very much a thing.

Thank you for all your responses and taking the time to share your thoughts, I've been following carefully everything that's been posted. I don't really wish to discuss anything beyond the original question and am going to drop off from the messaging now. But thank you as ever mumsnet peeps for all the helpful insights and support.

What would he do if you changed your mind and withdrew consent? What does he say about that? You are entitled to withdraw consent and he should respect that.

Pricktease implies that you get something from denying him, an element of control or pleasure. It is not respectful to call you that. I would find that unacceptable and I would have got rid of him at that point.

Are you kidding? If you are consensually intimate with a man but dont want to have sex, your are sexually assaulting him?

so youre saying once you start being intimate, you cannot say stop? And youre saying it like fact!

have you thought this through?

Thank fuck @TwylaSands I was incredulous as well but too gobsmacked to formulate a response

I don't think you understand what "rape" actually means @Boundariessquared

Seriously OP, you found a man that is covered in red flags and warning signs.
He's misogynistic, entitled, and a complete immature twat.

Why are you trying to change him or fix him?

I can't believe you would sleep with him after the first warning sign.

He's an asshole. Why haven't you got rid?

This might be the maddest thing I’ve ever read. And very, very dangerous. Reported.

The comments here are outrageous this poor man is being compared to rapists because he asked to you let him know if you are planning to have sex with him or if it's just "heavy petting". Surely he has the right to know what to expect? Some people don't like to be sexually aroused and then have it halt abruptly because the other person doesn't want to go all the way. I think he should run from you, you don't sound well suited to each other.

In my opinion, calling someone a pricktease for not wanting every moment of intimacy to inevitably lead to full intercourse is meant to pressure them into saying yes when they would rather say no, @terfinthewild - and isn’t coercing someone into sexual intercourse rape?

OMFG, quite obviously posted by a man and quite obviously the biggest load of utter bollocks I've ever read on here.

Seriously, how is this allowed to stand?

He sounds like a respectful relationship tease.

Someone who projects that they see you as a full human being with wants and needs, but actually doesn't see you as a fully-fledged person at all.

The comments here are outrageous this poor man is being compared to rapists because he asked to you let him know if you are planning to have sex with him or if it's just "heavy petting". Surely he has the right to know what to expect? Some people don't like to be sexually aroused and then have it halt abruptly because the other person doesn't want to go all the way. I think he should run from you, you don't sound well suited to each other.

But what if you don't know yourself? She said that at the beginning of the relationship she was waiting until she felt ready, but they're having sex now.

There's plenty of times when I might not particularly want to have sex, but the affection changes my mind, and other times it doesn't.

The idea that I could only show physical affection if I intended to have sex would absolutely seal up my vagina. Obligation and implied contracts are deeply un-arousing.

I dont see how a man wanting to know what her intentions are is being translated to him wanting to coerce or rape her. The guy just wants to know if the plan will result in him being turned on then left hanging. The term "pricktease" is immature and misogynistic, but it doesn't imply he's trying to force her to do anything. He just wants to know what her expectations are so he can manage his own.

In a very simple way, I see it like being told "Let's go out in the car. We might get ice cream". But after a 30-minute drive, you're just dropped off outside your house. Yeah, you were never promised ice cream, but it's still disappointing.
Whereas, if you know there won't be any ice cream, you can just enjoy the drive for what it is, or choose not to go if you don't fancy it.

None of that is trying to force someone to give you ice cream.

So what if she said she did want to have sex but then she wasn't feeling it once it got started, is she not entitled to change her mind?

I find the idea of no physical affection without committing to sex very sad TBH.

I couldn't live like that (and didn't - lack of physical affection is one of the things that killed it with my ex)

Of course she can. But that's not what's happening here is it. This is her saying "I want to make out. You'll just have to wait and see what ends up happening."

And sometimes you go out on a drive with a promise of icecream.

Sometimes you go out on a drive and decide that you want icecream while you're out

Sometimes you just go on a drive and icecream isn't mentioned at all

Sometimes you say "we'll see" and you may or may not get icecream, depending on how the drive goes.

Perhaps someone gets disappointed with the last one, but at least no-one's being expected to down icecream they don't want.

All of these scenarios seem fine to me.

And she would be well within her rights to say that!

Sure. But he's also within his rights to not want that type of relationship or level of communication.

Would you like it if your DH repeatedly came to you for a kiss and a fondle, got you turned on, then stopped when he'd had his fun? Or would you feel a bit disappointed and used? If you then said to him "can you let me know if this is just a make-out session so I don't get disappointed" is that you trying to force him to have sex with you?

Yeah, if you're the driver. If you are the passenger however you might like to know what the plan is so you can decide if you want to go for the drive or not.

This is not working for me - from both sides.

I don't think I'd be able to start and relax into sex (heavy petting) and constantly feel that my OH could just jump up in the middle and start doing dishes or something.
I've done heavy, half-clad petting with exactly that - a clear statement at the start (and in the middle!) that I'm not taking it further.
I'm also all for minimising my chances of getting sexually assaulted and I don't think that sexual activity without clear boundaries, with a "ready to go" man who is basically a complete stranger, and alcohol might or might not be involved... Not for me. I'm sorry but that is on the risky side of behaviours.

However, he's immature and sulky about it and is still hanging about even though there's clear incompatibility. Time to call it a day.

The problem here is treating a kiss and cuddle as being comparable to being told in words "we might get ice cream". A kiss and cuddle is a kiss and cuddle, nothing more and nothing less.

But if she knows she is going to be called a pricktease, @Idontjetwashthefucker, will she really feel free to say so?

In my mind, calling someone nasty names is abusive, and cannot be excused.