A true definition of 'single' and why it kicks ass

[Stratos72]

Capital 'S' 'Single' should be defined as a state in which you're not a) still pining for an ex, b) pining for a particular crush, or c) pining for a relationship generally.

Because let me tell you, it feels fantastic. It feels like what human adulthood is actually meant for.

Nature doesn't give a flying fuck whether you're happy, it only cares that you reproduce. That's why it curses you with overwhelming lust, jealousies, you name it.

And that's why you wake up one morning and your life has become nothing other than a series of reactions and obligations - some of which might be irreversible.

That's why you can intellectually know someone isn't worth your time, doesn't respect you, whatever - yet your 'heart' still leaps when they text.

Nature just wants those damn babies.

Next time you break up, I recommend NOT looking to someone else to fill the void AND until you're truly, undeniably, non-negotiably OVER your ex - if only just to experience the feeling of emancipation and freedom for a while.

You can always get back to the drama then if you want. But at least you'll be doing it with your eyes open.

This.

Yessss!

Everyone always says to me "not everyone will hurt you" "one day you'll find someone" "you'll be happy one day".

I'm. Not. Looking.

I am happy!!

As someone newly single, this thread really encourages me and inspires me to pull out the good parts of being single that I'm experiencing rather than focusing on the parts I've found challenging.

• I just booked a holiday for myself to Bali. I'm going to eat, swim, read, right, look pretty because I want to and get a tattoo I've always wanted.

• I don't have to share my food 😄and my food shop costs less.

• I don't feel as guilty when I have a long lie in.

• I don't feel guilty about refusing sex I don't want or weird for having sex I don't want (my sex drive isn't usually as high as my partners).

• I go to sleep playing my podcasts and videos. And I don't hear any snoring!

• I can sleep with the curtains open and the windows open, not silent and blackout.

It depends on the relationship. I've lost a LOT of money to exes (my fault and my choice). A relationship has never made me better off financially. I also tend to gain weight in relationships and look after myself more when single. But a healthy relationship shouldn't take from you. But many relationships do, especially from women, as we carry more of the emotional and mental load and more of the physical/financial risk (pregnancy etc).

What exactly can you lose with men?

Fortunate are those who can ask that question.

Not so much those of us who can answer it

Beautifully worded. The naïveté of that question is breathtaking.

Absolutely love this thread. It's called being "Single at Heart" and for anyone who's interested there is a fantastic Facebook group you can join. Also you could familiarise yourself with the writer Bella de Paulo who is just incredible.

I can only echo everything that I've read up thread about what's so fantastic about being single. I will also add that I'm someone who needs tonnes of headspace. If I've had a bad day at work I don't need someone to come home to, I need time to process it without worrying about anybody else. If I go to a hospital appointment I want to go on my own so I can think about what I'm doing and process any information that might come afterwards good or bad.

There is a whole movement out there about being Single at Heart and it's gathering real momentum!

Thanks for sharing this @ReframeFeelings

I'm going to explore this more!

I think it's really sad that something which ought to be the most natural thing in the world - pair bonding to raise children, living as families and communities - has become so broken and ugly that many of us would prefer to just be alone.

Humans are naturally social animals, and I think it's true that we do suffer when we don't have close physical bonds with others. But how can (heterosexual) women do that when men so often treat us like we're less than human?

I would love a partnership, a true partnership with someone to whom I am equal and deserving of respect (without him having to think about it or read a book or be told.) But these days, most relationships seem to consist of one full human and one support human, and that's not good enough. I don't want that. It feels wrong at the level of my soul. I hate the way men have treated me. When I read threads on here about the hurtful things men say and do to their wives it's bad enough - but then you read the threads where they are 'lightheartedly' chatting about how their husbands can't change a duvet cover or likes to have his dinner on the table at a certain time or whatever, and I think NO. Why do we keep doing this?

I think the singledom movement among women is gaining momentum because most men just aren't good enough. It's not worth sacrificing all the benefits of being single for a man who falls short of being as fair and kind and competent and loving and funny as most women are. In my experience, I've always had to make myself smaller in some way to accommodate a man's feelings. I won't tolerate it now. I won't stand for a man repeating my jokes as if they're his own, or getting in a mood because I achieved something he couldn't, or whatever.

I'm happy being single but there are downsides for me - the expense of it, the fact that there's never anyone to pick up the slack, the loneliness. But the downsides don't necessarily go away when you're in a relationship, and I would hate to sacrifice my singledom and then find I'm still lonely and now I have to manage someone else's feelings too.

People always assume you must be lonely. Not going to lie, it's not easy being a lone parent to kids with additional needs and things can be all consuming at times. Money is an issue at times with only me and not being able to earn much. But the peace and freedom of not having to meet the needs of another adult is a winner. Plan your own time, buy what you like, decorate the house as you wish, go where you like, and not constantly have to worry what they are doing (or not doing) now.

I love this thread! It doesn't have to be a competition that single is better than partnered, but it's good to accept that it is a real choice and a very good one for some ladies (and men I suppose).

At this moment in time I can't see the benefits of living with another man again, I'd like one day to have a partner to enjoy life with but I'll never stop wanting to do my own things too

@Worriedaboutrapecourts
"What exactly can you lose with men?"
*
Fortunate are those who can ask that question.

Not so much those of us who can answer it*

Love it!

@JamSandle sorry to hear you've had a break up but congrats on gaining freedom. Someone who makes you feel guilty for having a lie in is a twat. But I can relate as I wasted a decade on such a loser. Reading was also an activity he subtly undermined as lazy and time consuming (ie not doing what he wanted). And I bought the bullshit for some unknown reason. The sex was also poor. I too have always had a lower sex drive than my ex's, but I do wonder if it was more to do with them all being incompetent and incredibly selfish in bed?!

@taylorswift1989 we keep doing it because men have successfully convinced women that to be 'worthy/ attractive to men/ better than other women' we have to be fun, sexy, always ready for sex, doing most of the housework and child rearing, pretty, girly, never sad/angry/depressed, always up for doing they want to do, high earners (but humble about it and kowtow to them as the superior hunter gatherers), always prepared to compromise for them, intelligent but not too intelligent, make their friends envious, but not so much as to make our man jealous, and to top it all off, we must deride other women who might question the sanity of all of this as 'basic'/ lazy/ hairy feminists etc. And we have bought into this bullshit!!

I have just found every man Ive encountered a disappointment in some way or another. From the low level 'would you like to do X' almost always being met with a No, yet his plans always having to be agreed to immediately - through to outright emotional abuse and terror.

I see the traits of all my ex's in every man Ive ever encountered. So to all those women who believe we can't see that your DH is an asshole at home because he acts so nice in company, yes! we can see it because it's always obvious when men turn on the charm and we can see right through it and are secretly thanking our lucky stars we don't have to go home with him and give him maintenance sex.

@ReframeFeelings thanks for that. Is it a female only space? I don't think I could stomach a Facebook group for singletons where men were lurking about.

No it's called the Community of Single People so anyone can join but it's extremely strictly NOT a dating site. More US members than UK but I really enjoy being a part of it.

There is an off-shoot Women Tolerating No More but they're not affiliated.

@Superlambaanana And secondly, I've paid an emotional price which continues to impact me even though I'm now single. I hate men. I hate saying that because I also hate misogyny and yet I'm guilty of misandry. But I see them for what they really are - selfish, self absorbed, immature, ego centric, sex obsessed, emotionally abusive, rapist, violent, perverted, child abusing, war mongering, blights on society.

But the overwhelming majority of men are not selfish, self absorbed, immature, egocentric, sex obsessed, emotionally abusive, rapist, violent, perverted, child abusing, or war mongering. So if a woman met a man who fits that description, it's just bad luck. But I would question how statistically, you were able to meet multiple men that fit that description. Solely in terms of probabilities, it's extremely unlikely.

It's all down to the biological imperative to reproduce.

Yet, it's very easy for women to have children without having a relationship or friendship with a man... yet, they choose to have relationships with men. So again, I ask the question, if men don't have any appeal, then why do the overwhelming majority of women opt to have relationships with them?

I mean, even if someone was desparate for a relationship (for whatever reason), that doesn't even necessitate having a relationship with a man- women could have relationships with other women.

This thread is starting to lose the point.
It's not about criticising people in relationships or saying that being single is better than being in a relationship, it's about saying that a single life can be as good and as fulfilling in different ways.

It's not about hating men either. Plenty of women behave badly in relationships too. Those kind of comments are not helpful. And I say that as someone who was badly let down by a man.

placemarking

M xx

But the overwhelming majority of men are not selfish, self absorbed, immature, egocentric, sex obsessed, emotionally abusive, rapist, violent, perverted, child abusing, or war mongering. So if a woman met a man who fits that description, it's just bad luck. But I would question how statistically, you were able to meet multiple men that fit that description. Solely in terms of probabilities, it's extremely unlikely.

Tell me you're a man without telling me you're a man...

@taylorswift1989

None of the adjectives "selfish, self absorbed, immature, egocentric, sex obsessed, emotionally abusive, rapist, violent, perverted, child abusing, war mongering" apply to me.

I agree. We should be able to have a thread celebrating the joys of being single while recognising that lots of people are genuinely happy in relationships.

@shuggles so you are a man. What are you doing here?! I find men who hang around MN intensely creepy. Does your partner know you are on here? What does she think about it?

I've recently met quite a lot of women my age and older who are single and think they are some of the most fascinating people.

I definitely need to find more interesting things to do with my time! But today I've had a lovely day reading...hours and hours of it. I can hear screaming kids and snipey parents a few doors down and am so happy to be in front of a fan with my book!

Bit egocentric, at least, trying to make the thread about yourself.

I non romantically love you for this @Stratos72!

I’ve been single more than I’ve been partnered but I’ve still wasted decades pining for, compromising for and recovering from men who in hindsight were not worth a minute of any of it!

I could weep for what my life would be now if I’d used all that time and headspace on me and loving myself.

My last relationship ended because even though he was almost made for me in so many ways and is a good man and friend, I still had to shrink myself and prioritise him to make it work.

Since then I’ve really worked on decentering men and romance and it’s been liberating. I’ll date now and again and have sex but I am no longer waiting for the ‘right’ one.

I’m the right one!

It's not about me. I am simply saying that many men do not have any of those qualities, myself included.