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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

A true definition of 'single' and why it kicks ass

233 replies

Stratos72 · 18/03/2024 16:32

Capital 'S' 'Single' should be defined as a state in which you're not a) still pining for an ex, b) pining for a particular crush, or c) pining for a relationship generally.

Because let me tell you, it feels fantastic. It feels like what human adulthood is actually meant for.

Nature doesn't give a flying fuck whether you're happy, it only cares that you reproduce. That's why it curses you with overwhelming lust, jealousies, you name it.

And that's why you wake up one morning and your life has become nothing other than a series of reactions and obligations - some of which might be irreversible.

That's why you can intellectually know someone isn't worth your time, doesn't respect you, whatever - yet your 'heart' still leaps when they text.

Nature just wants those damn babies.

Next time you break up, I recommend NOT looking to someone else to fill the void AND until you're truly, undeniably, non-negotiably OVER your ex - if only just to experience the feeling of emancipation and freedom for a while.

You can always get back to the drama then if you want. But at least you'll be doing it with your eyes open.

OP posts:
GentlemanJay · 15/07/2024 21:11

I love being single. Got lots of friends male and female. Lots of hobbies. I'm staying single.

EmpressaurusDeiGatti · 15/07/2024 21:13

shuggles · 15/07/2024 21:04

@EmpressaurusDeiGatti You must see what an unhealthy way that is to look at things though?

Well it's not a conscious decision. No one makes a conscious decision to eat bad or gain weight.

No, but I was a bloody wreck and made conscious decisions to eat well & exercise as part of my recovery. Then once I was better I made the decisions to carry on.

HowIrresponsible · 15/07/2024 21:14

Stratos72 · 18/03/2024 17:10

Absolutely @cerisepanther73 - I've always loved sitting alone in cafes, travelling on trains alone etc., and always assumed it was a stage, that it was kind of by defininition a temporary thing. But it so wasn't.

Being in a relationship shouldn't stop you doing any of that. I've been single most of my life and yet manage to do my own thing when in a relationship.

Deathraystare · 16/07/2024 19:48

I and most of my female friends are single. Some never married and some are divorced. We are all contented. Got out with friends or by ourselves. One lady, since retirement is more busy now than when she was working and I don't think she is desperately trying to fill each moment.

I do get concerned when I hear of women who rely so much on a man - the woman doesn't drive, doesn't want to be bothered to see how the finances are etc etc, if he doesn't want to do this , that or the other thing then they don't etc.

EmpressaurusDeiGatti · 18/07/2024 16:37

HowIrresponsible · 15/07/2024 21:14

Being in a relationship shouldn't stop you doing any of that. I've been single most of my life and yet manage to do my own thing when in a relationship.

Why is it that whenever there’s a thread about how great it is to be single, at least one person in a relationship will come on & say ‘but I can do all those things too’?

TellingBone · 18/07/2024 16:47

I shall never wash another skiddy underpant

JamSandle · 18/07/2024 16:57

EmpressaurusDeiGatti · 18/07/2024 16:37

Why is it that whenever there’s a thread about how great it is to be single, at least one person in a relationship will come on & say ‘but I can do all those things too’?

Urge to gloat?

EmpressaurusDeiGatti · 18/07/2024 17:28

I think defensiveness. In the same way that on a thread about the benefits of being childfree, parents will always come on & put the opposite view.

Even if the OP wants help coming to terms with the fact that she’s not going to have kids for whatever reason.

HowIrresponsible · 18/07/2024 17:44

EmpressaurusDeiGatti · 18/07/2024 16:37

Why is it that whenever there’s a thread about how great it is to be single, at least one person in a relationship will come on & say ‘but I can do all those things too’?

Why is there always someone who takes issue with nothing?

It's true and I can do all those things.

If you read, what you'll see is that I said I've been single most of my life. Its great.

In the right relationship you shouldn't have to stop doing anything you want. Been in a relatively new relationship for over a year now and I'm not used to being with someone.

We both took separate holidays last year as well as holidays together. We don't live together.

If a relationship stops you being yourself and always has well You've been with the wrong men or chosen poorly.

As for kids you can keep those. God knows why anyone would do that to themselves. Waiting for the pile on of doting parents now...

EmpressaurusDeiGatti · 18/07/2024 17:57

As for kids you can keep those. God knows why anyone would do that to themselves.

Well, we agree on that at least! As for choosing poorly, after 10 years with my (female) ex I was suicidally depressed and if I had any sense I’d have stayed single in the first place.

I can see it wouldn’t be so bad if your partner’s not living with you, but never again as far as I’m concerned.

Ginghamsheep · 19/07/2024 00:50

I think that enjoying being single is perhaps more likely if you have a decent amount of extended family? I don't have any children or any siblings. I do have some friends, but I feel quite lonely a lot of the time. It is a worry what would happen if I were to develop cancer or another serious illness. I would have no support.

Power to those of you who make it work though!

shuggles · 19/07/2024 01:00

@Ginghamsheep It is a worry what would happen if I were to develop cancer or another serious illness. I would have no support.

Have you looked at taking out critical illness insurance or health insurance? Doesn't solve the problem but it could help.

Ginghamsheep · 19/07/2024 01:03

shuggles · 19/07/2024 01:00

@Ginghamsheep It is a worry what would happen if I were to develop cancer or another serious illness. I would have no support.

Have you looked at taking out critical illness insurance or health insurance? Doesn't solve the problem but it could help.

No, but good idea. Will look into it. Thanks for the suggestion.

ilconformista · 19/07/2024 01:05

Child-free and man-free and plan to stay that way.

Superlambaanana · 19/07/2024 07:36

Ginghamsheep · 19/07/2024 00:50

I think that enjoying being single is perhaps more likely if you have a decent amount of extended family? I don't have any children or any siblings. I do have some friends, but I feel quite lonely a lot of the time. It is a worry what would happen if I were to develop cancer or another serious illness. I would have no support.

Power to those of you who make it work though!

I don't know if it's more likely but it probably is easier.

I don't have any immediate family or children and I'm in late middle age, so long past the days of hanging out with friend groups in pubs and clubs. I have to make a conscious effort to make plans with people otherwise the only people I would see on a regular basis are work colleagues and the check out operators in Waitrose!

I am comfortable in my own company but I do feel a pang of envy sometimes for a life with a busy household full of people coming and going, lots of people round the dinner table each night, everyone sharing the load and family events and holidays with big groups of friends of all ages.

But then you only need to spend 5 minutes on MN to realise that is a fantasy for most people and even those who enjoy it only find it satisfying occasionally. Most people's lives are blighted by being trapped with unpleasant partners, divorce. Men having affairs, doing nothing around the house, sulking, spending money selfishly. Children who are ungrateful, dependent on their parents all their lives, or the opposite and never visit, or cause huge upset with selfish or even criminal behaviour.

So while the 'loneliness is worse than smoking' headlines do scare me, I'm very happy with my life and grateful not to have the emotional turmoil and disappointment that partners and children often visit on their (un)loved ones.

Ginghamsheep · 19/07/2024 08:22

Superlambaanana · 19/07/2024 07:36

I don't know if it's more likely but it probably is easier.

I don't have any immediate family or children and I'm in late middle age, so long past the days of hanging out with friend groups in pubs and clubs. I have to make a conscious effort to make plans with people otherwise the only people I would see on a regular basis are work colleagues and the check out operators in Waitrose!

I am comfortable in my own company but I do feel a pang of envy sometimes for a life with a busy household full of people coming and going, lots of people round the dinner table each night, everyone sharing the load and family events and holidays with big groups of friends of all ages.

But then you only need to spend 5 minutes on MN to realise that is a fantasy for most people and even those who enjoy it only find it satisfying occasionally. Most people's lives are blighted by being trapped with unpleasant partners, divorce. Men having affairs, doing nothing around the house, sulking, spending money selfishly. Children who are ungrateful, dependent on their parents all their lives, or the opposite and never visit, or cause huge upset with selfish or even criminal behaviour.

So while the 'loneliness is worse than smoking' headlines do scare me, I'm very happy with my life and grateful not to have the emotional turmoil and disappointment that partners and children often visit on their (un)loved ones.

I do definitely relate to the feelings of wishing I had a busy household. It's hard sometimes to comprehend how different some (or perhaps even most) peoples' lives are to mine. However you are definitely right that the grass is not always greener.

I hate that 'lonliness is worse than smoking' headline too though. It scares me so much. If I smoked I could stop, but avoiding lonliness seems much harder.

This is sad, but I kind of look forward to the day I can move into sheltered accommodation as an OAP and have people around me.

Superlambaanana · 19/07/2024 21:33

Trouble is @Ginghamsheep we'll be too set in our ways by then to enjoy the company of other people all the time!!

I do miss having someone to sit in silence with. I spend some good quality time with friends and extended family but it always involves talking. Obviously you don't meet someone for lunch and sit in silence! But I miss having someone in my house in the evening, just being there, watching tv or reading a book on the other side of the room.

If there was a middle aged, single women's commune-type arrangement with separate individual apartments as well as shared spaces for eating and doing activities together and 'hanging out' I might consider that. But I'm not sure it would work as I imagine people could become tiresome and fall out.

I definitely wouldn't trade my own space, control and contentment for a partner, even a silent partner! The risks are simply too high with men. There is so much to lose. I am determined never to lose anything of myself to a man ever again. And even just that affirmation makes me feel happy and gives me a deep sense of satisfaction and contentment.

shuggles · 20/07/2024 00:22

@Superlambaanana I definitely wouldn't trade my own space, control and contentment for a partner, even a silent partner! The risks are simply too high with men. There is so much to lose.

What exactly can you lose with men? If a man is unemployed and takes your money, then yes, you can lose that, but the majority of men have their own jobs and finances.

The majority of women are in long-term relationships or are married. I don't really understand what the appeal of men is, but if so many women want to spend time around one, is it fair to assume that they have some kind of benefit?

Maighnuad · 20/07/2024 06:06

For me it’s the need to compromise and consider them. Just split with a guy who would bring in coffee for himself without a thought for me. I’m better than that. So have decided I need to become more comfortable and in love with me. And so I’m doing at least a year single but can see this being more as now 55. And becoming more unable to compromise as time passes.
I’m so fed up with having to think about them when planning things in my life.
Dating for me gets old quickly and the ick is in the air nearly immediately! And I have a cat 🐱 !

combinationpadlock · 20/07/2024 06:10

Ive been very single and very happy my whole adult life - never once been tempted to get embroiled in the mess of fantasy, disappointment, jealousy, compromise and heartbreak I've watched all my friends go through.

It is wonderful just to be me me and free

BookCzar · 20/07/2024 06:31

Been single for 6 years now, ever since my divorce, and honestly can't even imagine myself in any kind of romantic relationship anymore.
Granted, first 2 years of my singledom were emotionally hard since I was still coming to terms with divorce and everything, but after I've processed it thoroughly - never felt happier.
I am 37 and I think I will never want a relationship again. I am focused on my daughter, my work, family and friends and quite enjoy my simple, boring life.

sammylady37 · 20/07/2024 07:17

I am comfortable in my own company but I do feel a pang of envy sometimes for a life with a busy household full of people coming and going, lots of people round the dinner table each night, everyone sharing the load and family events and holidays with big groups of friends of all ages

This is my idea of a total nightmare! I love peace and silence and solitude.

Superlambaanana · 20/07/2024 08:08

@shuggles

"What exactly can you lose with men? If a man is unemployed and takes your money, then yes, you can lose that, but the majority of men have their own jobs and finances.

The majority of women are in long-term relationships or are married. I don't really understand what the appeal of men is, but if so many women want to spend time around one, is it fair to assume that they have some kind of benefit?"

My ex's have cost me plenty of money. Perhaps I was foolish in my choices, but they were all well educated, business people with high incomes. I was 'treated' a bit at first but ultimately I ended up paying more to be in the relationship than they did. I think they were all attracted to me because I'm also a high earner and independently minded, capable etc. They were men who saw themselves as progressive grown ups and thought they wanted an equal as a partner. But that was really just a fantasy- men never want their partner to be an equal - and they all ended up taking advantage.

I've also paid a price in terms of mental/ emotional loss over the years. Firstly during my relationships - they were all without exception a drain on my mental state in the end. Demanding far more attention, consideration, time and energy than they ever gave back in return. The amount of misery I endured is just crazy when I look back. But I kept on keeping on for ages with them all, putting up with far too much for far too long because I always thought it was my fault. I just needed to try harder, spend more time trying to make him happy etc.

It took me a long time to learn that once men fall out of love they either have an affair or turn nasty. They're too lazy and entitled to leave. And mine all ultimately fell out of love with me because they thought they wanted an equal but didn't really and came to resent having an intelligent, independent partner so punished me with emotional abuse.

And secondly, I've paid an emotional price which continues to impact me even though I'm now single. I hate men. I hate saying that because I also hate misogyny and yet I'm guilty of misandry. But I see them for what they really are - selfish, self absorbed, immature, ego centric, sex obsessed, emotionally abusive, rapist, violent, perverted, child abusing, war mongering, blights on society.

So why do so many women pursue relationships with men? What possible appeal can they have when we all know they are inherently bad - that as individuals there is an absolutely huge risk of them doing us far more harm than good, and as a class, they are simply abhorrent in every way?

It's all down to the biological imperative to reproduce. If there is a God, they really were having a laugh when they set this up. Make men disgusting but make women feel they can't live without them and let's see how they all deal with that!

SamW98 · 20/07/2024 08:14

sammylady37 · 20/07/2024 07:17

I am comfortable in my own company but I do feel a pang of envy sometimes for a life with a busy household full of people coming and going, lots of people round the dinner table each night, everyone sharing the load and family events and holidays with big groups of friends of all ages

This is my idea of a total nightmare! I love peace and silence and solitude.

I agree. Being surrounded by people constant is my idea of hell. I can’t imagine living with anyone else again.

I am social and have great friends but I like to come home to peace and quiet and totally switch off. The idea of having to have a conversation or deal with noise all the time doesn’t appeal at all.

PicklesPiper · 20/07/2024 08:19

Just coming on to say, what a bloody brilliant post! 👏