A true definition of 'single' and why it kicks ass

[Stratos72]

Capital 'S' 'Single' should be defined as a state in which you're not a) still pining for an ex, b) pining for a particular crush, or c) pining for a relationship generally.

Because let me tell you, it feels fantastic. It feels like what human adulthood is actually meant for.

Nature doesn't give a flying fuck whether you're happy, it only cares that you reproduce. That's why it curses you with overwhelming lust, jealousies, you name it.

And that's why you wake up one morning and your life has become nothing other than a series of reactions and obligations - some of which might be irreversible.

That's why you can intellectually know someone isn't worth your time, doesn't respect you, whatever - yet your 'heart' still leaps when they text.

Nature just wants those damn babies.

Next time you break up, I recommend NOT looking to someone else to fill the void AND until you're truly, undeniably, non-negotiably OVER your ex - if only just to experience the feeling of emancipation and freedom for a while.

You can always get back to the drama then if you want. But at least you'll be doing it with your eyes open.

believe me when I tell you that relationship memories can be some of the worst of your life, and there's no getting rid of them. It's not like being caught in an earthquake or car crash, someone DID something to you

This, this and this again.

I'm going back to read the rest of the thread now.

I know it doesn’t work for everyone. My parents were together 56 years until Mum died last year, & still celebrated the anniversary of their first date.

Being single absolutely isn’t a positive for Dad but he didn’t choose it - & just as well for my siblings & me that he didn’t.

You don’t get it. This is a thread about people who love being single & see it as a positive life choice, as opposed to those who just haven’t found a partner yet.

I suppose if someone’s unhappily single they might be more likely to comfort eat.

I was more or less happily married for nearly 30 years. DH never "did" anything terrible to me and I'd still be married if he hadn't died.

I miss him terribly, especially for our DC, but I still much prefer being single, although managing the house and garden alone gets on top of me sometimes how do you get adult DC to move out so you can downsize?

FFS the man who's been keeping me on edge, and who I had decided over the weekend I wasn't going to bother with anymore, has just sent me the loveliest supportive message, over something I've been worrying about (but didn't realise he knew that) grrr.

My XH left 7 yrs ago. I have been completely and utterly content in that time.

Then l got a FWB who has completely messed with my head and emotions this past year.

The sex was crap but it was nice having a kiss and cuddle with someone again.... and l really miss that now.

I actually wish I'd never met him as l was so happy and content with my life and he's thrown a complete curve ball into it.

So anyone in a relationship isn't a proper adult or is just living their life incorrectly?

I do not miss maintenance sex!

Except op has stated this is what human adulthood is for - being single - so by default, anyone who isn't or isn't content to be are wrong.

Lots of the things people lost come from not being in an abusive relationship. That sounds be everyone's goal be in sensual relationship or familial. Or the "being who you want to" from a decent sense of send worth. Everyone should be aiming for that. Not being abused and loving yourself should be the basic goal of all people, not something you can only achieve of you forsake romantic relationships hence forth.

If DH and I don't make it to old age together, I'd like to think I'd feel as happily content being single as you, and that my single friends feel that way inside too so this isn't a moan about singlehood.

It's funny you say this. I'm not especially happy single as newly dumped. But yesterday I was out and witnessed an awful argument between a couple. The guy was so rude and condescending to his partner. It does make you realise that being single is far better than being talked to like you're a piece of .

I love it. My marriage ended quite recently and it was sad but it was making me really ill. The sense of peace now is phenomenal. My father is 85 years old and has been widowed twice. Although he grieved deeply for both of his wives, he says it is the most peaceful time of his life.

I still have lots of love for my stbxh, but being alone is glorious. I am going to sleep for a while and go to the beach with my book.

Sheer bliss.

To observe the reality of married life; simply go to any given restaurant on Valentines evening. Observe keenly, then decide if that is truly preferable to being single.

Oh yes.

For me, it’s just the same as when I’m observing parents having a lovely time with their kids. The ‘good’ bits of being in a couple or having children don’t make me want to change how I live, any more than the bad bits do.

I was in a civil partnership for 10 years, then lived in various shared houses until I could finally afford my own place. The idea of living with anyone else now or having that close a relationship with someone feels suffocating.

Family yes. Close friends, including 2am-in-the-morning-emergency friends, yes. Cats, definitely. And that’s enough.

Edited to add that I think I might have read your post wrong.

Being single isn't what a lot of us necessarily chose.
Marriages fail and that can happen quite suddenly, spouses can pass away.
But a lot of people who are commenting on this thread, including me, have discovered that being single is fine and can actually be great.
It isn't something to be ashamed of or scared of. A few years ago I would have been terrified of being single & would have thought I wouldn't cope but when the situation was forced on me I discovered that wasn't the case and I embrace being single now, genuinely.

So true. It is tragic that so many women endure this life. Often they are only freed when their husband has an affair.

@CleftChin "...blokes have always had a sense of entitlement to my time and effort that sapped the resources I had for focussing on myself."

I feel exactly this way. My ex's always expected me to do the things they wanted to do. Often those things were enjoyable but it was always their agenda.

I always had to squeeze the things I wanted to do into 'in between times' - when the ex was working late or doing some other activity that didn't involve me. That was the only time I got to pursue my own hobbies. And it was always a squeeze, with me having to rush my own things, and compromise.

What I love the most about being single is that I choose what I want to do, when I want, and for how long I want to do it.

Great post. I entirely agree. I'm happily married, but was a long time single and would undoubtedly choose to remain so if I found myself single again.

Completely agree with you all. One thing I've noticed on here is my reaction when a woman finally gets to own her own place (and we all know how hard that is) and some guy wants to move in and pay virtually nothing. I get so angry! How dare they think they can do that?

@Superlambaanana

Perhaps you are picturing post break up style comfort eating but single life is not like that for those who've deliberately decided to stay single and left break ups and the emotional rollercoaster of relationships firmly in the distant past.

I wasn't talking about comfort eating. I mean, when people are single, there is no incentive to stay in shape. I am speaking from personal experience- being in shape makes no different to my romantic prospects, so might as well eat what I want.

It is a decision though rather than a default because it is so deeply ingrained in society that humans should be monogamous with someone of the opposite sex.

Is there any evidence that this is a behaviour that's caused by society, and not biology? The message delivered by modern media is to have lots of different romantic partners and casual relationships. Yet, despite this bombardment, the overwhelming majority of women I know are married to one man.

I really can't agree with you on the comfort eating and no incentive to stay in shape. I don't know about other single people, but I am willingly out and about more now, but doing the things I like to do.

As well as that, I am generally just less stressed and it shows through my health. I'm way fitter and healthier.

But I do get that right after a breakdown / divorce that things can be tough, but at some point a realisation kicks in, a 'this is how it is now so make the most of it'.

(I hit 50 parkrun milestone recently. I had never run all through my married adult life, yet here I am now, on Saturday mornings and love it.).

I always gain weight in relationships.

I wasn't talking about comfort eating. I mean, when people are single, there is no incentive to stay in shape. I am speaking from personal experience- being in shape makes no different to my romantic prospects, so might as well eat what I want.

You must see what an unhealthy way that is to look at things though?

I took up running, and more recently weightlifting and cooking healthy meals from scratch, AFTER getting divorced as a form of self-care and to enjoy seeing what I’m capable of. It’s got absolutely nothing to with other women finding me attractive, it’s about valuing & looking after myself.

Please stop kicking the poor donkey. 🫏

@EmpressaurusDeiGatti You must see what an unhealthy way that is to look at things though?

Well it's not a conscious decision. No one makes a conscious decision to eat bad or gain weight.

Personally, I take care of my body and my appearance for myself and not for anyone else so it’s irrelevant if I’m single or in a relationship, it’s about feeling good about me.

The incentive to look good is to feel good in my own skin, not about pleasing a man.