A true definition of 'single' and why it kicks ass

[Stratos72]

Capital 'S' 'Single' should be defined as a state in which you're not a) still pining for an ex, b) pining for a particular crush, or c) pining for a relationship generally.

Because let me tell you, it feels fantastic. It feels like what human adulthood is actually meant for.

Nature doesn't give a flying fuck whether you're happy, it only cares that you reproduce. That's why it curses you with overwhelming lust, jealousies, you name it.

And that's why you wake up one morning and your life has become nothing other than a series of reactions and obligations - some of which might be irreversible.

That's why you can intellectually know someone isn't worth your time, doesn't respect you, whatever - yet your 'heart' still leaps when they text.

Nature just wants those damn babies.

Next time you break up, I recommend NOT looking to someone else to fill the void AND until you're truly, undeniably, non-negotiably OVER your ex - if only just to experience the feeling of emancipation and freedom for a while.

You can always get back to the drama then if you want. But at least you'll be doing it with your eyes open.

@Stratos72
I really like being single i can dance in my house and sing act like silly with sheer happiness,

whithout feeling i have to act feel a certain way to accommodate shit head type of man,

Who thinks 🤔 he is something speacial...

It's freaking wonderful
I can have cuddles from family or and friends

even teddy bears 🐻 from charity shop,

even though i am grown up and should have long time ago grown up from appreciating Teddy bears...

Eyes wide open OP.
I think the problem is we don't celebrate being single enough. It's kind of viewed as lacking, when in fact its a very calm and peaceful way to live. I've learnt more about life and myself whilst being single than l ever did in a relationship. Once you learn to love your freedom, you never look back.

Just bookmarking this to read it all later. Brilliant thread!

😀 I picked up a Russ bear at the charity shop too, he lives on my bed. I have no idea why I had such a pull to him when I saw him, but he came home with me and he just makes me happy.

So I totally get this.

It's just because I can and have to give no one any reason for it.

Bookmarking. Great thread! :)

Love this. I'm unexpectedly single after stbxh walked out at the start of Jan. I have glimmers of good things come through and can't wait until I've fully embraced it!

I couldn't imagine being in a relationship again. I would have to give up so much headspace for it.
I don't want to always be thinking about someone else's feelings or thoughts or how my behaviour would impact them.
I don't want to negotiate what food we eat or what we watch or where we go on holiday or how we split domestic responsibility and the drama that comes with it.
I want to make choices that I want, when I want and how I want.
I love being single,

What a great thread!

I’ve read and loved every single post on this thread! Without exception!!

I’m just going to repost a few of the pps that when I read them I thought “exactly, 100%, I wholeheartedly agree!!”:

@oneblindmouse

“I have been single for 16 years. I love the freedom of it. Not tried OLD. Quite happy being single.
Sure if I met someone wonderful I might consider a relationship but I am not looking for one and wouldn't live with someone again.”

@carouselfish

“It's not dealing with a stupid penis.
It's not worrying about another person's perception of me romantically, physically.
It is not taking on anyone else's spending problems.”

Everything @dreammattemousse has said, including these belters:
“I am in control of whether my day is a good one or not.
I'm not being called names anymore'
'I'm not having sex I don't want to have'
'I'm not apologising for simply existing'
relief
Freedom
Peace

@meadowfish

“The freedom to:
not walk on egg shells
organise my days without someone else trying to dictate”

YES YES YES!!!

I am single. I aspire to be Single though. I’m getting there.

Spent my life in relationships. None of them were satisfying beyond the first flush of fun/ lust/ the man making a decent effort. Once they ‘had me’ they got lazy, took me for granted and in the case of the last one, eventually turned very nasty. Yet with them all, the worse they got, the harder I tried. Exhausted myself trying to keep them happy. Wtaf was I thinking?!

Even after the last break-up, which was bloody traumatic, I almost immediately started thinking about where and how to find the next one. Being alone just felt so scary, shameful, and weird. I resolved to ‘heal and grow’ for a while, loose some of the misery weight I’d gained, and to try to be fussier the next time.

I’ve been healing and growing for a year and a half now and you know what? I think I’ll just keep going it alone from now on. I am so much happier than I have ever been in a relationship!! I do feel empowered. Why didn’t anyone tell me that it was possible to be Single and happy?!

My question is even when reproduction is no longer an option due to age, why does your heart still ping? I'm looking forward to getting back to the old me. Life was ok. Bereavement of partner has knocked me right off my feet, scramble up briefly but get knocked down. I often say apart from this awful period, adult life = mainly single has not been unkind to me. I like the usual no drama, the ability to do as you please and have me time

@YouWontKnowMyName
Sorry to hear you have struggled to achieve what you want in the relationship stakes. But I agree with @stratos72 that it’s more hassle than it’s worth.

Women usually have to go through trauma before they come to that realisation. I wish they didn’t have to. I have a friend who feels inadequate and envies me because she’s never been married. Even though I’m divorced, she says I am lucky to have had the experience! From my perspective, not so much!!

I also really agree with @Stratos72 that
“relationship memories can be some of the worst of your life, and there's no getting rid of them. It's not like being caught in an earthquake or car crash, someone DID something to you - and there's no 'relationship police' to go to; it's anarchy out there!”

there bloody should be relationship police!! I’d happily pay extra tax to fund such a service!

@MariaLuna

“Bliss not to have to be a "maid" in the house. No washing his clothes, if I don't feel like cooking and can get a take-away or just eat bits and bobs from the fridge.”

So true! Why the F did we put our needs second to theirs? Understand doing that for DCs, but not partners! Clue is in the name. Yet we people please at large and small scale. Cooking when we weren’t hungry, going places we didn’t want to go, watching programmes we didn’t want to watch and enduring a life we didn’t want to live. And did they do any compromising in return? Did they hell.

@Dweetfidilove
“I have all the freedoms you do and consider myself single, but have someone to ‘scratch my itch’. Does that count? I hope so, as I haven’t found a toy that does an equally satisfying job.”

Would like to hear more about this - does he ever want more? Do you? How do you stop it escalating? Do you do other things together or is it strictly sex?

I am contemplating inviting an ex back into my life for this purpose. But while I think he would agree to my terms at first, he might seek to escalate back into a relationship later and I don’t want that! Also he would likely want to continue sleeping with other people while I think that’s only fair in a non-relationship, I’m not sure that I could handle it in reality. Would I get jealous if I found out he had someone more attractive on the go?

I knew it was possible cos I'd been there. I have only had 2 relationships. In my first one was naive, even though in.mid 40s should have known better. 2nd one aimed to not repeat the crap from.first one . I knew my worth. I gained loads of misery weight too- like this term. . That needs to go for me and my health. If anyone wanted to be in my life they would have to be pretty special.

Like the idea of paying extra tax for the relationship police🤣

@reesewithoutaspoon it is such a drain on headspace isn't it?! I suppose that's one of the reasons why being single is so empowering.

@BCBird sorry for your loss. You sound strong and focused on what makes you thrive. Me time is the greatest healer!

@BCBird yes we were all naive! Although it might have helped if society had let us into the secret that it is possible to be single and happy!

@Dweetfidilove
“I have all the freedoms you do and consider myself single, but have someone to ‘scratch my itch’. Does that count? I hope so, as I haven’t found a toy that does an equally satisfying job.”

Same. It works very well for me. Sex is great. Like OP, the before and after I can live without.

No man is worth giving up my peace for. It's that simple. Great thread.

Absolutely agree! Being 'Single' with a capital 'S' means freedom from the emotional entanglements that can cloud judgment and drain energy. It's about reclaiming autonomy and prioritizing self-discovery over the relentless pursuit of romantic validation. Breaking free from the cycle of longing and opening oneself to independence can be profoundly liberating, offering a chance to recalibrate and thrive on one's own terms. It's a valuable reminder that fulfillment doesn't solely hinge on external relationships but can be found within the richness of personal growth and contentment.

This thread is really inspiring. I hope this isn’t a derail - how do you find peace with being single?

I’m at the point where I know I don’t want another relationship because of how invariably bad they’ve all been and I’ve lost faith in men but I feel really sad about that. I will miss sex and the closeness of being in an intimate relationship that you can’t get from friends.

I concluded last year that I would be happy with just a FWB but even he ended up messing me around and disrespecting my time despite rarely seeing him and having minimal expectations.

@SingleSock I'm going to be a big shot and quote the Dalai Lama at you, not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES 🤓

1. "Sexual pressure, sexual desire, actually, I think is short-period satisfaction and, often, that leads to more complication," he said. Not that he hasn’t thought about it. "Naturally as a human being...some kind of desire for sex comes, but then you use human intelligence to make comprehension that those relationships are always full of trouble."
2. "For monks and nuns, the practice of celibacy is not just a rule. Our target is to try and reduce negative emotions. Sexual desire and attachment are enjoyable, but act as a basis to anger, hatred and jealousy."
3. "In marriage, there is a short period of sexual satisfaction, but there are many ups and downs. Monks or nuns have been trained to master their desires, so there is much less ups and downs. Monks, nuns, naturally as human beings have desires for sex—it is biological. But then, those who marry always have trouble. So, that is the consolation—we miss something, but at the same time, we live better lives. More independence, more freedom."

@SingleSock I hear you. I'm single not Single (yet) and going by pps it takes time to reach the capital S state. But perhaps it comes with a realisation that freedom trumps intimacy. I'm not sure about that myself, so I'm going to start a thread on FWB to see how people manage those relationships/ non relationships. I am still tempted to take a lover and have a couple of candidates in mind who I have confidence would be willing! But I know you are not alone in having bad experiences with that too.

My experience of relationships has been kind of like my experiences with alcohol. There's the anticipation of going out, which feels great, then there's the period that you're drinking but not especially buzzed, then you blink and, if you're honest, you're starting to look at your watch and wondering what's a polite enough time to get yourself home. The actual period of being 'ideally drunk' is so brief it goes by barely noticed 🙄

I'd be screwed as a single woman. I have a 1 year old and I'm a
ND with PTSD.

Relationships should be seen as one life option among many. We place way too much emphasis on them. There is too much pressure to find 'the one', and too much shaming and pitying of those who choose to be single. When two people meet, click, and then love and support one another, it's a beautiful thing to see. Some couples really are soulmates. They're devoted to one another. But I'd guesstimate that only a quarter to a third of people find that.

Love this analogy! I concur!