A true definition of 'single' and why it kicks ass

[Stratos72]

Capital 'S' 'Single' should be defined as a state in which you're not a) still pining for an ex, b) pining for a particular crush, or c) pining for a relationship generally.

Because let me tell you, it feels fantastic. It feels like what human adulthood is actually meant for.

Nature doesn't give a flying fuck whether you're happy, it only cares that you reproduce. That's why it curses you with overwhelming lust, jealousies, you name it.

And that's why you wake up one morning and your life has become nothing other than a series of reactions and obligations - some of which might be irreversible.

That's why you can intellectually know someone isn't worth your time, doesn't respect you, whatever - yet your 'heart' still leaps when they text.

Nature just wants those damn babies.

Next time you break up, I recommend NOT looking to someone else to fill the void AND until you're truly, undeniably, non-negotiably OVER your ex - if only just to experience the feeling of emancipation and freedom for a while.

You can always get back to the drama then if you want. But at least you'll be doing it with your eyes open.

I’ve been single for 4 years and I love my freedom, peace and quiet. I have no desire to ever live with a man again.

However I really miss the physical side but no idea where to find a suitable FWB. I’ve been on OLD on and off for a year but only actually met up with 6 men for dates and only felt any attraction to 1 of them - who told me he has ED.

So as much as the itch needs to be scratched, I have no idea how I find a man to scratch it - I am someone who needs to feel a connection to have sex. I cant jump into bed without feeling a spark and ive not met anyone who ive got that attraction to.

I'm not sure not having sex means you are better than anyone else - as you use your intelligence. I know you quoted the Dalai Lama but to me thisI just comes across as trying to justify living the life he leads l.

Live you life, do what you want and don't justify to anyone

I think most happily single women also have a dread of the inane, overused questions and comments they often have to fend off too - the relationship equivalents of asking a tall person, "What's the weather like up there?"

We often make the mistake of prioritising politeness, finding a way to respond that doesn't cause offence, and yet to me the answer is to cultivate a little 'edge' personality-wise, and be prepared to make them as uncomfortable as they're prepared to make you 😎

@Bloom15 He's not saying he's better. He's just saying there's a toss up between the drama that's usually attached to sexual pleasure, and the inevitably less dramatic life without it.

Tonight I cleaned and packed for a trip while listening to Les Mis loudly and I really felt ok for the first time since he left. I like that.

This arrangement is with my ex and he’s long accepted that it will go no further. We did the whole relationship thing for 13 years and he's proved himself a far more effective parent on his own, so no point going back.
I’ve been single since I left and By all indications, so has he - no one has reported seeing or hearing of anyone else 🤷🏽‍♀️.
I'm not interested in a new family nor is he, so we’re riding it out until my daughter hits uni. Seems to work for both of us.

For me, realising that the times I am happiest are when it’s just me and DS without the psychic drain of having to consider anyone else was the key. The enforced break of Covid, forcing me to stop thinking about having to include my then partner as he made some very selfish and risky decisions (I was teaching in a special school at the time so could not compromise my bubble) was the break I needed. Never again will I cleave myself to a man, we have had almost four clear years and it has been the most enlightening time to realise I am enough, my life is mine to prioritise (I’ve made a huge change to give DS the best opportunities he can have) and I’m completely evangelical about adults being able to realise that they don’t need another adult to complete them. Most of my friends are gay or lesbian and stuck in unhappy marriages / relationships without children and I wish they could see how happy they could be if they just cut themselves free of the feeling that being in a pair isn’t the key to life. Knowing yourself and accepting yourself, flaws and all is the real secret to peace.

@Dweetfidilove thanks. I do love to hear of women living single lives in such an empowered way, so hooray for you and similar women everywhere! I wish I had more women like you in my life IRL!

@Dominicains another woman I would like to say Hooray to! That was brave of you not to compromise when it really mattered, so Bravo to you too.

I don't know why but I always imagine same sex couples are happier, though I know statistically my perception is skew-whiff. I do wonder why they stay when they have fewer ties than couples who are parents.

So my lesbian and gay friends have told me it is because of the sheer tiny dating pool they have and the small chance of matching up, they cling to awful relationships because they’re scared of not finding anyone else. I’m working on that bit - with limited success!!

I have honestly found sharing the other half of my bed with snacks, remote, iPad, iPhone, novels, journal, and cats to be far more rewarding.

Strange thread. Single is essentially the "default" state that everyone knows, not something that is achieved.

The issue though is that there is no one to assist with errands and life admin, and no one to split the bills with. It's extremely difficult for me to buy a reasonable home because I'm reliant on my salary alone. I also speculate that single people are more prone to weight gain.

'I also speculate that single people are more prone to weight gain.'

😂😂😂😂
Now I've heard it all !

Yes the idea that single people are fatter is a weird one @shuggles.

Perhaps you are picturing post break up style comfort eating but single life is not like that for those who've deliberately decided to stay single and left break ups and the emotional rollercoaster of relationships firmly in the distant past.

It is a decision though rather than a default because it is so deeply ingrained in society that humans should be monogamous with someone of the opposite sex. This can sometimes be ideal for child rearing, but relationships (especially with men who are inherently selfish and lazy) are a very hard slog in reality. Yet it's also very hard not to fall into coupledom. Staying single is very hard. The constant judgement. The matchmaking friends who think they are being helpful or see you as a challenge. The 'single tax' costs. That said, the longer I am single, the happier I am, and the more and more I pity people in long term relationships with horrible men.

One thing that I noticed so often in life and definitely on MN is the advice to someone who is single or has recently become single is invariably "don't worry, you'll find someone who loves you like you deserve" or similar.

We need to stop perpetuating that Loving yourself, being fulfilled with your own life and being comfortable with your own company is so important.

I am not saying everyone should all stay single forever but I do think periods of being single in life can actually be very productive and can lead to real growth. Then if you do embark on a relationship it is with clear boundaries and a better sense of self.

Totally agree. There seems to be a feeling that being single is some sort of sad lonely half life perpetually waiting for the ‘right one’ to come along.

It drives me mad when I see threads about someone in a dreadful relationship and the advice given is ‘get out and find someone better’ - like jumping from one partner to the next is the only way.

As someone who had never really had any breathing space between partners most of my life, I’ve found the last few years bring single for first time has today changed how I feel about myself and given me so much clarity that I know I would never settle again and definitely never live with a man. Financially is the hardest but I’m used to it now and for me there’s no other real negatives.

If anyone is feeling sad about being single just go outside and see all of the miserable married people sitting in silence then imagine the pathetic maintenance sex the poor woman has to endure once per week with her ugly husband after washing his skidmarked pants

Ten years Single, three years with cats, & still loving it.

😂agree, so glad it was a speculation.

As myself and if I have to really think about it, most of my single friends are fitter and have lost weight from when we were married. I think we were putting ourselves last and were not looking out for ourselves, as we do now.

I’m glad it was a speculation too! I go to the gym three mornings a week & batch cook most of my meals from scratch, I like working through new veggie recipe books. It gives me a good range of choices when hosting friends, as well.

I think it would have to be someone absolutely amazing for me to enter into a relationship again - I'm in no rush! And there would be significant boundaries - I'm not sure I ever want to live with someone again - although I can see the benefit of 'companionship' (by which I mean someone to sit and have a cup of tea with and talk about the news, or sit and watch TV with, or bounce ideas off)

I think there's pros and cons - it's tough being a single parent, but in 5 years or so they'll be late teens and I'll be free to get out and about a bit more a gain - in the meantime, I'm concentrating on my job (with no whinging from someone if I get the laptop out again in the evening) so I have the funds to retire early - I'm genuinely concentrating on me (and the kids) which I've never had a chance to do in a relationship - I realise that's my choices, but the blokes have always had a sense of entitlement to my time and effort that sapped the resources I had for focussing on myself.

I've never been Single in all my adult life and I'm 47! There has always been some man either in my life, or making my life hell, as in my ex.

I can't imagine it. The older I get, the more I struggle with certain things. Paperwork, dealing with authorities. Having just been finally diagnosed AuDHD, I've always had to use my womanly charms to have a man be a bit of a crutch for me... right or wrong.

I think I'd struggle to survive on my own. I'd probably wither from making terrible decisions and end up dead before my time.

I'm very happily married. Being single would be awful and lonely for me. All power to you Single Women!

I'm very happily married. Being single would be awful and lonely for me. All power to you Single Women!

I hope you stay happily married for a very long time.

Living on my own is a thing of utter joy for me so I’m not going to say I understand, but I’m glad you’re happy.

I agree with you, but it's not easy to achieve.

I love my single life, I really don't want a life that revolves a partner or a relationship, but I still have anxieties when expecting a text , hope when o meet a new possibility etc.

And nature knows full well I won't be having more babies 🤣

I had never been single in my life until I was 51. If you’d ask me a few years ago I could never imagine being happily single but now I embrace it and don’t see myself ever being in a full relationship ever again.