I think I have done a terrible thing

[Vacumwondering]

DP and I been together for 3 years. He was my childhood sweetheart and we separated late teens due to watching different things in life (education/music career).

15 years later, single, we meet back up, both have DC with other people. We fall in love, life is perfect, DC’s get along we are the perfect couple. We move fast. He moved in with me and my DC.

Then his job started to take a turn, horrible manger, unreasonable hours, terrible pay, so I tell him to quit and take some time to figure what he really wants (I earn v. Good salary so bills etc were not an issue short term) plus I love him so why not want best for your love.

Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody. Again for the ‘family’.

That was 8 months ago. Since he has not got another job. A couple of days here and there. I pay for everything. As the woman/mum, I do most of everything. I had to sell my car due, we had to cancel our holiday, Iv had to borrow money from family (as has he) due to financial issues.

im resentful. Have tried to discuss it but it doesn’t really work/nothing changes. And tbh I think Iv fallen out of love. We don’t have any fun anymore, it’s all just work, kids, slog, money issues, petty arguments. We haven’t really spoken in 2 days and I don’t think I really care.

He tells me he loves me all the time etc but I don’t see any of that, he will then make OTT demonstrations of love and I just can’t be doing with it.

But essentially, he doesn’t have a job, wouldn’t be able to have his DC 50/50 without me and my support, he has no home and I feel that by supporting him in these things I have kind of made my bed and it would be heartless to end it now.

Any advice?

[SilverBranchGoldenPears]

I was with someone in a vaguely similar situation. It was like he was opting out of responsibility and my load was getting more and more. Brutally, I’d get rid of him. It won’t improve. He has had plenty of time to step up and he doesn’t. He’s a classic example of cocklodger.

[ForTheMemories]

You have a cocklodger OP. Take action. You are not responsible for this mans children or his housing situation. Don’t let this be your life, drifting along with someone because life has trained you that women should #bekind.

Tell him he’s moving out!

[Changingplace]

I’d be saying as a starter he absolutely has to get a job, eight months doing nothing is unacceptable, is he even looking for anything? You’re not married, if he’s not pulling his weight he’ll have to move out, where to isn’t your issue, it’s his.

[Vacumwondering]

Thank you all for replying.

@Changingplace not really, he was offered some work with a friend but it’s very sporadic, 5 days in the past 8 months. He has put out feelers with other friends but nothing materialises, he now says that due to having one car it will be too hard as I also need the car for work (occasionally as I work from home mostly!) before that it was because of his 50/50 arrangement, even though DC are all school age.

[CharmedCult]

Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody.

Yeah sure. More like he couldn’t pay any maintenance, rather than a burning desire to see his kids more.

You gave him an inch, he’s taken more than a mile.

You owe him nothing. Get rid of this leech before he bleeds you completely dry

[Vacumwondering]

@CharmedCult

Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody.

Yeah sure. More like he couldn’t pay any maintenance, rather than a burning desire to see his kids more.

You gave him an inch, he’s taken more than a mile.

You owe him nothing. Get rid of this leech before he bleeds you completely dry

The thing I struggle with is that I did give the inch!

This is my own doing basically 😫

[Yogatoga1]

Funny this on another thread a woman wants to give up work to spend more time with her kids.


that’s a “no brainer” and the majority of posters are telling her to go for it.

[Changingplace]

@Vacumwondering

Thank you all for replying.

@Changingplace not really, he was offered some work with a friend but it’s very sporadic, 5 days in the past 8 months. He has put out feelers with other friends but nothing materialises, he now says that due to having one car it will be too hard as I also need the car for work (occasionally as I work from home mostly!) before that it was because of his 50/50 arrangement, even though DC are all school age.

Absolutely unacceptable, if he’s not applying for any and every job going next week tell him he needs to leave, when he gets a job he can afford a car can’t he?

[Canweaffordkids]

Agree with PPs

[Vacumwondering]

@Yogatoga1

Funny this on another thread a woman wants to give up work to spend more time with her kids.


that’s a “no brainer” and the majority of posters are telling her to go for it.

I would kinda get that. But the kids are all school age, so it isn’t much quality time really.

[Vacumwondering]

@Changingplace

Absolutely unacceptable, if he’s not applying for any and every job going next week tell him he needs to leave, when he gets a job he can afford a car can’t he?

It’s worse because that’s his car! I had to sell mine, although I pay for the finance on his and the insurance etc

[ForTheMemories]

@Yogatoga1

Funny this on another thread a woman wants to give up work to spend more time with her kids.


that’s a “no brainer” and the majority of posters are telling her to go for it.

Is it the same situation? Link please, I’d like to read it.

[WhoaJayShettybambalam]

Does he know how you feel?

[ForTheMemories]

@Vacumwondering

It’s worse because that’s his car! I had to sell mine, although I pay for the finance on his and the insurance etc

Bloody hell OP!

Hes taken advantage, you’ve messed up by letting him, but you can change it. 💪

[citrinetrilogy]

Sit him down and read him the riot act. Tell him you are sick and tired of all talk and no action, and you will not be funding his unemployed status any longer. Tell him he HAS to get a job, any job, even if it is stacking supermarket shelves all night. Tell him that if he doesn't shape up, get off his lazy arse and go and find a job, then his cushy lifestyle will be coming to an abrupt end.

[Vacumwondering]

@WhoaJayShettybambalam

Does he know how you feel?

Yes, but he kinda plays the victim: ‘you suggested this, why wouldn’t I have taken you up on this, anyone would have done the same’, I try and help when you are at work etc but it doesn’t change anything ultimately

[Vacumwondering]

@ForTheMemories

Bloody hell OP!

Hes taken advantage, you’ve messed up by letting him, but you can change it. 💪

Typing all this out makes me sound like Iv gone mad!

[TheFlis]

@Yogatoga1

Funny this on another thread a woman wants to give up work to spend more time with her kids.


that’s a “no brainer” and the majority of posters are telling her to go for it.

In those circumstances it’s usually a couple who are still together with the Dad supporting them all, not someone expecting a partner of a couple of years who is not the parent being expected to do it.

[Pinkdelight3]

You don't love him. He's drained your love and taken the piss. Be heartless. Cut him loose. It's only been 3 years and his DC are not yours to support. You have your own DC and he's impacting their quality of life and making you unhappy. It's so clear what you need to do with this cocklodger and the only thing stopping you is the very trait that got you into this mess. You gave the inch, stop giving the mile. Draw the line and move on.

[TobyEsterhase]

@Vacumwondering

It’s worse because that’s his car! I had to sell mine, although I pay for the finance on his and the insurance etc

He is taking the piss big style

[ForTheMemories]

@TheFlis

In those circumstances it’s usually a couple who are still together with the Dad supporting them all, not someone expecting a partner of a couple of years who is not the parent being expected to do it.

Yes. I’ve just looked at the thread and the circumstances are completely different to OPs. Why have you misrepresented it @Yogatoga1 🙄

[betterangels]

I wouldn't be staying in a bad relationship because his life would be more difficult if I didn't. Your purpose in life is not to facilitate his.

[Noshowlomo]

He's 50/50 but not really, you are the other 50. You are housing, feeding and supporting his kids for the time he has them. Massive ick

[TequilaNights]

His children have their mum and he can stand on his own 2 feet for once.

Do yourself a favour OP and free yourself from a lifetime of misery.

[betterangels]

@Vacumwondering

It’s worse because that’s his car! I had to sell mine, although I pay for the finance on his and the insurance etc

Please wise up. Please.