I think I have done a terrible thing

[Vacumwondering]

DP and I been together for 3 years. He was my childhood sweetheart and we separated late teens due to watching different things in life (education/music career).

15 years later, single, we meet back up, both have DC with other people. We fall in love, life is perfect, DC’s get along we are the perfect couple. We move fast. He moved in with me and my DC.

Then his job started to take a turn, horrible manger, unreasonable hours, terrible pay, so I tell him to quit and take some time to figure what he really wants (I earn v. Good salary so bills etc were not an issue short term) plus I love him so why not want best for your love.

Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody. Again for the ‘family’.

That was 8 months ago. Since he has not got another job. A couple of days here and there. I pay for everything. As the woman/mum, I do most of everything. I had to sell my car due, we had to cancel our holiday, Iv had to borrow money from family (as has he) due to financial issues.

im resentful. Have tried to discuss it but it doesn’t really work/nothing changes. And tbh I think Iv fallen out of love. We don’t have any fun anymore, it’s all just work, kids, slog, money issues, petty arguments. We haven’t really spoken in 2 days and I don’t think I really care.

He tells me he loves me all the time etc but I don’t see any of that, he will then make OTT demonstrations of love and I just can’t be doing with it.

But essentially, he doesn’t have a job, wouldn’t be able to have his DC 50/50 without me and my support, he has no home and I feel that by supporting him in these things I have kind of made my bed and it would be heartless to end it now.

Any advice?

Please tell us u are now single OP?

That 'future post from your daughter' really said it all.

Wishing U the best 🤞

Hi all,

feeling strong but lonely. I still have the car but having to ‘share’ it with him which is a nightmare. He still hasn’t done more than feelers for a job.

the mood has shifted though. Now he appears indifferent to me and isn’t as bothered by anything I say. I just need rid but unfortunately need to wait until next month when I can get another car.

been an uphill struggle liaise with this idiot but doing my best to try and look forward to the future!

What financial offer did his parents make you ? or did they change their minds when they realised you weren't going to be paid to have him back.

Well done OP. It's a hard slog and untangling a relationship is a mix of pain and hard work. It will get better. As you regain your home, find yourself with more money and some time to spend on and with your children, there'll be pleasure amidst the loss.
Hopefully he's still with his parents and once you've finally sorted the car issue, you'll be free of this massive drain on you - financial and emotional.

Stay strong, he is a total loser and you’re so much better off! You’ve been brave and come this far - once you’re rid of him AND the car it’ll be easier !

Well done OP. This bit is hard but you can get through it.

Just because you have already sunk a lot of time and money into this situation doesn't mean you have to keep doing it. Tell him it is time for him and his children to leave. Have a friend with you if you are afraid to do it alone. Then go get your life and your financial stability back. This will not improve as long as he is with you.

STOP. PAYING. IT. Right now. Tell him the rest of the payments are on him.

Just be glad you don't have DC with this cocklodger. Next month you will be able to wave him goodbye forever!

What?

People like him would be the ones expecting a pay off from her, he's not going to pay her anything as a pay off.

It’s so depressing. The first few days I was so pleased with myself now it’s all setting in and I’m remembering the ‘good times’.

just sucks. I will be better off financially next month, will get a car etc and finally be able to move on. I wish he had made more effort, I hate that he didn’t, he and I would have been perfect if he just grew up a bit 😔

Unfortunately the financial abuse outweighed the good times, and if he grew up he would probably have been with someone else.
There was a reason you didn't stay together all these years ago.

he and I would have been perfect if he just grew up a bit
That's the trouble with men - they don't fulfil their potential. 😂
Stay strong. Things will get better and better.

Amen!!! Can I have that on a tshirt and mug please 😛

I think that when you have yourself "sorted" yourself with a car etc, and are more financially stable, perhaps in a few months time the sense of relief you will feel will hopefully wipe out those feelings of missing him.
There is no reason why you can't maintain some sort of relationship with him, just never ever let him move in with you again. or let him persuade you to marry him!
The term Cocklodger is bandied around this site a lot, but it truly does describe him!

@Vacumwondering we all feel that stupidity after leaving. I personally spent a decade with an abuser and it took me a long time to get over feeling of blame. I lost it all financially but have learned a very stiff lesson! I will never give so much of myself again in the hope to change another person!

You said it yourself he is indifferent now. So not even bothering to fight for you! Don't feel sad for the tiny breadcrumbs of affection he gave you, you are worth way more! I bet the good times were instigated and paid for by you and he just went along with it anyway! There was a reason he was still single despite apparently being good looking.. he's a bum. And a bum is not an attractive proposition ,(unless it's attached to George Clooney or similar). Cultivate some friendships for trips out, you don't have to be 'alone' and maybe a fuck buddy for the other things. Who needs a live in man these days anyway?

He’s a total loser OP. It gave me the ick reading your posts about him.
I’ve been on my own for ages (single parent working full time) and men like him ensure that I’ll stay on my own for a good while to come. I’m very content tbh.

Reread this thread when you feel sad. Honestly you will feel so much better in time.

What did your kids say when you told them he’s gone?

No he was not perfect and you know it. He is a lazy selfish user who CBA to parent his own kids or hold down a job.

You don’t say his age but he must be at least 30, probably older. So he’s as grown up as he’s ever going to be.

Yes of course you will miss the good times , however few there were. But you have friends and hobbies ( and if you don’t, go out there and get some).

And as for anything else you are missing him for - buy a rabbit ( or whatever the latest model is ) 😁

But he didn't grown up, didn't take accountability or prove a partnership so he's not perfect

You're just going through the grieving process @Vacumwondering, don't doubt yourself.
Ask for the money back that you invested in his car, and reinvest that in a new car for yourself.

It’s so depressing. The first few days I was so pleased with myself now it’s all setting in and I’m remembering the ‘good times’
This too shall pass 💐

he and I would have been perfect if

the thing about perfection is that there can be no IF.

Whatever follows the if is the reality that thwarts any hopes or dreams for perfection.

We so easily keep focusing on those dreams. But the caveats are the reality. What actually exists is the bit that follows the if.

You would have been perfect IF he wasn’t a lazy manchild determined to take the piss. That’s a big, big if.

There’s a bright eyes lyric that illustrates the problem with focusing on the bit that’s not real.

Well I could have been a famous singer
if I had someone else’s voice

He could have been a perfect partner
if he had someone else’s attitude.

I think it's really worth reflecting on the endless list of his faults and the problems he caused, and writing a list so you don't forget. And a list of all the positives that you and your DC can move forward with. (I still have my old list on my phone made when I was desperately waiting for my ex to move out and just thinking of all the things I was yearning to do, or not put up with, when I eventually got shot of his lazy arse from my house. It really is quite shocking!)

And if your aunty had bollocks she’d be your uncle.