I think I have done a terrible thing

[Vacumwondering]

DP and I been together for 3 years. He was my childhood sweetheart and we separated late teens due to watching different things in life (education/music career).

15 years later, single, we meet back up, both have DC with other people. We fall in love, life is perfect, DC’s get along we are the perfect couple. We move fast. He moved in with me and my DC.

Then his job started to take a turn, horrible manger, unreasonable hours, terrible pay, so I tell him to quit and take some time to figure what he really wants (I earn v. Good salary so bills etc were not an issue short term) plus I love him so why not want best for your love.

Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody. Again for the ‘family’.

That was 8 months ago. Since he has not got another job. A couple of days here and there. I pay for everything. As the woman/mum, I do most of everything. I had to sell my car due, we had to cancel our holiday, Iv had to borrow money from family (as has he) due to financial issues.

im resentful. Have tried to discuss it but it doesn’t really work/nothing changes. And tbh I think Iv fallen out of love. We don’t have any fun anymore, it’s all just work, kids, slog, money issues, petty arguments. We haven’t really spoken in 2 days and I don’t think I really care.

He tells me he loves me all the time etc but I don’t see any of that, he will then make OTT demonstrations of love and I just can’t be doing with it.

But essentially, he doesn’t have a job, wouldn’t be able to have his DC 50/50 without me and my support, he has no home and I feel that by supporting him in these things I have kind of made my bed and it would be heartless to end it now.

Any advice?

Why is he asking friends for jobs, he needs to go out and fucking apply for them.

I think you should go to couples counselling and you need to make it very clear that if he is a 'kept man' he needs to contribute a huge, basically full time, amount to the household including the mental load

Don't go to couples counselling - get rid!

I did catch that, but I meant that he's presumably claiming he can't work cause he doesnt have the "household" car to use because you have to use it for your work.

You could get a second car if he worked, was my point.

But I don't think you should stay with him so it's rather irrelevant.

Did you read the bit where the OP has already had to borrow money off family due to this guy leeching off her?

And you think she (because he doesn’t work and has no money) should pay for couples counselling to figure out a way he can continue sponging off her?

Are you for real?

Even if the counselling was free, it probably won't change him.

And it won't change how he's acted to date...which would kill love and give major ick in anyone.

Who is the registered keeper of the car, and who purchased it?

If it's you, it's your car. Congratulations.

He needs to go, and i wouldn't give him 3 months notice as suggested above. Id struggle with giving him a week. He's taking resources that should be going on your kids.

Why do people suggest couples counseling when the men are clearly duds.

Cheater - couples counselling
Addict/gambler - couples counselling
Abusive - couples counselling
Cock lodger - couples counseling

None of these are appropriate for couples counselling. You're just wasting even more of the woman's life.

Op has bank rolled him enough, at the expense of herself and her kids, she shares no kids with him, she should just gtfo of dodge and be glad she's not tied to him like his unfortunate ex.

he is the registered keeper and the finance is in his name. When he didn’t work I started to pay it and it’s now been 8 months later and it’s till paying it

This guy is a type of con man.

But he's not a good enough con man not have pushed a bit too far for a bit too long; and triggered his victim.

You have probably over invested in this because of the sense it's 'meant to be' and he's the one because of the way you found your way back to each other. Unfortunately you were different people who wanted different things then, and you still are. He's obviously content to drift, rely on others and not stir himself to create a life. You are industrious and building a life and he is holding you back and piggy backing on your hard work. This won't change because for all his love, fun, charm, he is who he is, and he's not what you want. Tell him before resentment builds and becomes active dislike.

Here's a way to reframe it that might help: what's more heartless, depriving your own children of holidays and the lifestyle you can afford to give them - and have worked damn hard to give them - or supporting a man who can't be bothered to get a job?

Your children are your priority OP, do it for them if not yourself. (Just to be crystal clear I am saying this to be helpful not to imply you're doing something wrong by your kids now! I think you've been had and you're not to blame).

Well that is also good news - if you stop paying, it's him that's defaulting on the debt and not you, and you're not married so hard luck on him.

This is crazy OP.

He's "putting out feelers with friends" for a bit of work - he should be applying for jobs - whatever he can get!

He says he can't work because he has his kids 50% of the time and you occasionally need to use his car - wtf?! Most parents with school age DC have them 100% of the time and still manage to work! And has he ever heard of public transport, lift sharing, or even getting another car (which you could presumably afford if he was earning).

And he's still letting you do most of the cooking and running the kids to their activities etc. If he isn't working he should be doing ALL of that!

I do understand the romantic image of your first love. But honestly OP this just isn't working.

I’m pretty much guessing the reason he was having trouble at work is that he is a lazy arse and they were not happy with him.

OP he doesn’t have nowhere to go, he can move back in with his parents, and he can have his kids stay over there. Do not feel guilty! He’s a lazy man, this is such an unattractive trait, please give him his marching orders. Don’t be paying his car either, cancel that asap! That money could be going into savings for your own DC. For your own good, please wake up and get rid.

Unless you kick his sorry arse out, you will have a lifetime of this.

Vacillating will only cost you, and more importantly, your children, time and money. He is a CL of the first order and sees you as an easy mark. You won't see any joy until you pack his bags. He can go back to his parents.

I might be speaking from a similar experience.

You don't have DC together so no need to live together, he can go back to his parents and look after his own DC.

OP the best piece of advice I got after my marriage ended was before you commited to anything, imagine buying a house with with your new partner. Is there equity (not just financially, but in the familial load). Does the thought of it make you content? If the answer is no, it's not something to continue with.
It hasn't worked out. It's sad when you've involved both your kids but these things happen. It's not your fault; sometimes it takes tine for people to show their true colours. Kinder for your kids (and his) not to drag things out

Think that you need to send him back this mum. He obviously finds the real world too difficult.

This man is bringing absolutely nothing to your life OP, no sex is worth this drain on every aspect of your life.

If you're feeling generous I'd give him until the end of March to leave, then forcibly dump his things outside.

You'll be living so much better without this leech dragging you down.

Oh dear.

Thank you all for your responses.

Im just sitting down with a large glass of wine to seriously consider next steps.

There will be no talking to him tonight as he has had a few beers with the football 🙄 so will just have to do another night in silence and think about things. But what you all say is just what I needed to hear. I have friends and family but have been too ashamed to speak to them about it

As the woman/mum I do most of everything. This is the bit that really got me. So since he met you he has moved into your home, left his job and not got another, decided to go for 50/50 custody of his dc, and even with all of this, you do pretty much everything? And you have had to sell your car, but cock lodger still has his, you are a mug. Get rid of him ffs.

you have nothing to feel ashamed of @Vacumwondering
not one thing

him on the other hand…….
Enjoy your wine and look to your future. There has been absolutely nothing stopping him being present and shouldering the burden of real life whilst in a relationship. Just as he made his choices so can you.