I think I have done a terrible thing

[Vacumwondering]

DP and I been together for 3 years. He was my childhood sweetheart and we separated late teens due to watching different things in life (education/music career).

15 years later, single, we meet back up, both have DC with other people. We fall in love, life is perfect, DC’s get along we are the perfect couple. We move fast. He moved in with me and my DC.

Then his job started to take a turn, horrible manger, unreasonable hours, terrible pay, so I tell him to quit and take some time to figure what he really wants (I earn v. Good salary so bills etc were not an issue short term) plus I love him so why not want best for your love.

Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody. Again for the ‘family’.

That was 8 months ago. Since he has not got another job. A couple of days here and there. I pay for everything. As the woman/mum, I do most of everything. I had to sell my car due, we had to cancel our holiday, Iv had to borrow money from family (as has he) due to financial issues.

im resentful. Have tried to discuss it but it doesn’t really work/nothing changes. And tbh I think Iv fallen out of love. We don’t have any fun anymore, it’s all just work, kids, slog, money issues, petty arguments. We haven’t really spoken in 2 days and I don’t think I really care.

He tells me he loves me all the time etc but I don’t see any of that, he will then make OTT demonstrations of love and I just can’t be doing with it.

But essentially, he doesn’t have a job, wouldn’t be able to have his DC 50/50 without me and my support, he has no home and I feel that by supporting him in these things I have kind of made my bed and it would be heartless to end it now.

Any advice?

I find it really odd that having his kids 50 50 means he decided not to work. Has he never heard of child minders, nurseries or wrap around care?

I have mentioned that many people work! Me and my DC’s dad both worked when we were together! But he doesn’t see how that could be possible now 🙄

So he is making it all about him and his children and completely ignoring yours - I feel for them do they get any respite from this

No-one falls in love faster than a man who needs a place to stay (and host his kids so he doesn't have to pay CM).

I believe someone coined the term "hobosexual".

It's only 50-50! Plenty of people have kids 100% of the time and work.

They use child minders, grand parents, daycare, after schools clubs etc.

That is the reality for most families.
They need two or at least one a half wages coming in.

He can't work cause he hasn't got a car ....but you had to give up the second car because he's not working.

He's does a great line in circular, catch 22 ism, doesn't he?

Wouldn't he be able to afford a monthly payment on another (modest) car if he actually got a job??!!

I'm curious, OP,
Is he a musician?

So you are supporting this man and his children while your children go without? That's awful! You know what you need to do here, OP.

Send him back to his mammy

HE does have a car!

I sold mine, I pay the finance and insurance on his 😔

No. Not in any formal way

I know the type!

Oh come on op wise up, he's totally taking the piss

Tell him to get back to his parents, with his kids

Good riddance

You gave the inch

He took the mile...

Tell him to pack his bags.

OP, you're being taken for a mug. Start disentangling yourself. You say you caused this mess - well then, you can put it right. I have faith in you.

Nope, was quite happy single just working, me and DC. I knew him before so gave him more chance/benefit of doubt than anyone else would have got

Okay, so it has been clearly established that you "did a terrible thing".

Which you already knew.

What are you actually going to do to rectify this?

*He was my childhood sweetheart and we separated late teens due to watching different things in life (education/music career).

15 years later, single, we meet back up, both have DC with other people. We fall in love, life is perfect*

I totally understand this op. I got involved in a mess of a situationship with a guy I'd been acquainted with at school, with all sorts of things I'd have been super wary about in a new/unknown/unfamiliar man .... Because I had this romanticised notion of already sort of knowing him and or it being some kind of fate. (And I hadn't even had a romance with him, unlike you).

It's so easy to be trusting and romantic and think it's fateful.

It isn't fate.

It's just chance.

And there are very good reasons these guys were single.

In a way it’s good that he was previously living with his parents.

No need to give him any notice.

Cancel your payments for his car, tell him to pack up and get out, he can be back at his mum and dads by teatime tomorrow.

Thank you for messaging! You kinda understand how I have let things slide wayyyy more than I would have if it was just someone off of Tinder!

I know that’s sounds silly but I mean it, I think of that bit all the time - when I was single, I used to read posts like this on here and think crikey have some respect but I have completely romanticised the fact that we were ‘meant to be’ as as he tbh, and Iv let things go more than I ever would have

OP this is relatively simple. You don’t love him anymore. You are not contracted to stay with him forever, nobody is. Situations change, feelings change.

Give him notice that he needs to leave with a specific date. Prepare to have some friends to be there on that date to help him leave.

If he got a job would you consider staying with him? Sounds like you’re done. Stop paying his car costs and get your own car.

His laziness has taken money away that you could have used for your DC.

You can do this OP. In the bin with him.
💐

He won't get a job until he has completely bled you dry, then he will find someone else to bank roll him. Tell him you can't carry on paying finance or insurance for his car. When will this end, when you have to put your house on the market?
You supported him when he was unhappy, he's showing you he won't do the same for you.

I think you've already got a very good grasp of what you need to do.

I look forward to you returning to this thread to say he's gone.

Honestly he sounds like such a limpet.

I'm imagining he'll try all sorts to stay though... my bet is a marriage proposal!

So don't let him stay too long as the longer he stays in your house the more likely he is to make a claim to a share of it - like 1/2 it's value . It has happened in the past. Do not marry him. As others said - he went 50/50 for his child because otherwise he would have to pay maintenance and get a job.