I think I have done a terrible thing

[Vacumwondering]

DP and I been together for 3 years. He was my childhood sweetheart and we separated late teens due to watching different things in life (education/music career).

15 years later, single, we meet back up, both have DC with other people. We fall in love, life is perfect, DC’s get along we are the perfect couple. We move fast. He moved in with me and my DC.

Then his job started to take a turn, horrible manger, unreasonable hours, terrible pay, so I tell him to quit and take some time to figure what he really wants (I earn v. Good salary so bills etc were not an issue short term) plus I love him so why not want best for your love.

Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody. Again for the ‘family’.

That was 8 months ago. Since he has not got another job. A couple of days here and there. I pay for everything. As the woman/mum, I do most of everything. I had to sell my car due, we had to cancel our holiday, Iv had to borrow money from family (as has he) due to financial issues.

im resentful. Have tried to discuss it but it doesn’t really work/nothing changes. And tbh I think Iv fallen out of love. We don’t have any fun anymore, it’s all just work, kids, slog, money issues, petty arguments. We haven’t really spoken in 2 days and I don’t think I really care.

He tells me he loves me all the time etc but I don’t see any of that, he will then make OTT demonstrations of love and I just can’t be doing with it.

But essentially, he doesn’t have a job, wouldn’t be able to have his DC 50/50 without me and my support, he has no home and I feel that by supporting him in these things I have kind of made my bed and it would be heartless to end it now.

Any advice?

OP you sound awesome. Hard though it is you know you're going to have to bite the bullet and end things. Far, far better things are waiting for you and your kids round the corner, you just need to be brave right now. Good luck.

I think if you can reframe it in your head it might help you to give him his marching orders. Your own children are going without for this man. Can you even imagine sleeping soundly at night knowing you were living rent free with someone and having them bring up your kids when they are there. He is doing this. I bloody couldn't. What a waster.

Come on op you don't owe him nothing at all he's a grown up, a father. He should be providing towards his family.

Imagine, @Vacumwondering , you could have invested all the money you spent on this cocklodger in ISAs for your children's education.

Time to pull the plug. And henceforth prioritise you own interests and your children's.

Yuck, a sex pest and cocklodger-you need to ask him to leave OP, what positives is he bringing to your children's lives? He is literally taking food from their mouths.

You need to get out of the mindframe that you have somehow done something terrible and get a reality check. He is not doing his bit because he knows you will put up with that is. Simple.

What you allow is how you get treated and he is telling you what he feels you deserve by his lack of financial accountably.

He is very clever as he has found a set up where you feel guilty for not making him happy. Is he writing on mumsnet or dadsnet on how terrible he feels having quit his job, how he makes his partner pay for all his upkeep including his kids, how he is not getting sex on tap? what do you thing people would advise him?

And no one is responsible for someone elses happiness, only you are to you, and he is to himself. yes you can add to each others happiness, but you can not become the reason they are happy.

This is a not uncommon story on here op.

One can guess as to some of the reasons these bloke's marriages to the mother's of their kids broke down.

You don't want to be "heartless" - well he's ok being heartless to you;, living off you, making you bear a much much greater burden in your household, missing out on things - you and your kids are much worse off, yet he's apparently ok with all that.

Maybe you should take a leaf out of his book in terms of looking out for yourself, hmm.

Even if you did suggest it or "give him an inch" you're allowed to change your mind.

You don't need his permission to do this.

It's not working for you. You don't owe him anything.

Prioritise your children, at the moment you are compromising there space with forcing them to live with others, habing quality of life diminished in both financial terms and time with you and they are not getting the best you. Because rather than admit what you did as a teenager which that he wasn’t the right one for you you aren’t setting him free. A man who is leeching off off you

Could he be depressed?

I'm more worried about op's mental health, with the position he's wrangled her into.

very bored of coming in from a 12 hour day (office day yesterday) having dropped and picked up all the kids from various places/clubs etc and stopped for bits in the shop on the way home to then be pestered for sex!

A cock lodging, nom weight pulling, parasitic sex pest.

Can't imagine why his marriage/ltr broke down.

I don't understand what his reasoning is in not applying for jobs. Certainly sounds like a cocklodger ir piss taking twat unless there is something we don't know.

Your lives are blended but something needs to be adjusted

They can be "unblended".

Op perhaps jumped in too fast, she can and should remedy that.

I'm sorry, he doesn't work and still can't facilitate his kids 50:50? What the hell is he doing with all his time? Why isn't he doing the majority of the childcare and housework when he's unemployed?

It sounds like you've tried to be supportive and he's taken the absolute piss out of you.

It used to be because he got his DC 50/50, now it’s this and the fact we now only have one car because I had to sell mine

Turf him before he drags you down even further.

He does some house work and does a few bits with his kids, they are younger than mine so he will put them to bed and make them dinner if they eat different to me and mine (my kids older and much better palette than his) not a dig just eat more varied food than his

Asking friends for work, knowing there really isn’t any but, see, ‘he’s trying…’ get rid, he’s an albatross round your neck!

The only mistake you’ve made is judging him by your own standards.

In other words, had it been the other way round, you would have busted heaven and earth to get back on track and again.

He on the other hand is a sad lazy cock-lodging leech.

I couldn’t have any respect for him and I would boot him out.

Don’t beat yourself up, this isn’t uncommon, and it’s a very good lesson in life to learn.

Where did he live before he cocklodged moved in with you?

With his parents after the relationship with his DC’s mum broke down

Yeah, all of this.

Please tell us you are going to kick him into touch OP. You and your kids would be much better off, in more ways than just cash

Wow. What a freeloader. He will always have an excuse.

Is he not ashamed of himself? And of course he has plenty of energy to pester you for sex 🤢

Do you feel appreciated?

Could he be depressed?

^

Yes.

He could also be a cocklodger.

Which is more likely??

He's taking you for a mug, op, and he is happy to do so.

He is allowing you to keep on working, shouldering all the mental load and associated stress.

He is happy with this arrangement. He allows you to do it.

Oh good Lord. So he’s walked into the relationship with a suitcase full of clothes and a car, into your ready made fully furnished home.

After previously living with mum and dad.

That was the first red flag. That he didn’t even have it in him to house himself and his children.

This man just depends on everyone else to house him, doesn’t he. He’s a total freeloader.