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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I have done a terrible thing

607 replies

Vacumwondering · 16/03/2024 17:39

DP and I been together for 3 years. He was my childhood sweetheart and we separated late teens due to watching different things in life (education/music career).

15 years later, single, we meet back up, both have DC with other people. We fall in love, life is perfect, DC’s get along we are the perfect couple. We move fast. He moved in with me and my DC.

Then his job started to take a turn, horrible manger, unreasonable hours, terrible pay, so I tell him to quit and take some time to figure what he really wants (I earn v. Good salary so bills etc were not an issue short term) plus I love him so why not want best for your love.

Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody. Again for the ‘family’.

That was 8 months ago. Since he has not got another job. A couple of days here and there. I pay for everything. As the woman/mum, I do most of everything. I had to sell my car due, we had to cancel our holiday, Iv had to borrow money from family (as has he) due to financial issues.

im resentful. Have tried to discuss it but it doesn’t really work/nothing changes. And tbh I think Iv fallen out of love. We don’t have any fun anymore, it’s all just work, kids, slog, money issues, petty arguments. We haven’t really spoken in 2 days and I don’t think I really care.

He tells me he loves me all the time etc but I don’t see any of that, he will then make OTT demonstrations of love and I just can’t be doing with it.

But essentially, he doesn’t have a job, wouldn’t be able to have his DC 50/50 without me and my support, he has no home and I feel that by supporting him in these things I have kind of made my bed and it would be heartless to end it now.

Any advice?

OP posts:
MrsDoubtfire24 · 16/03/2024 18:03

Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody.

This old chestnut. Funny how they only want 50/50 when there’s a new partner to take on the workload.

He is a user and a lazy bastard. Get rid.

SilverBranchGoldenPears · 16/03/2024 18:05

You did this and you can undo it! 😊 positive thinking. Give him 3 months notice and get rid. Ta daaaa!

ForTheMemories · 16/03/2024 18:05

Vacumwondering · 16/03/2024 17:56

Typing all this out makes me sound like Iv gone mad!

Show quote history

You’ve not gone mad, you have just been taken advantage of and let it go way too far. It happens.

You can sort it out and its not the end of the world. Tell him to move out, sort the car situation and you’ll learn a good lesson from it. You’ll be ok. 💐

Original poster
Vacumwondering · 16/03/2024 18:06

Pinkdelight3 · 16/03/2024 17:58

You don't love him. He's drained your love and taken the piss. Be heartless. Cut him loose. It's only been 3 years and his DC are not yours to support. You have your own DC and he's impacting their quality of life and making you unhappy. It's so clear what you need to do with this cocklodger and the only thing stopping you is the very trait that got you into this mess. You gave the inch, stop giving the mile. Draw the line and move on.

He has drained me tbh. I think this is how I feel, completely drained. As with any other relationship, there is other stuff too but this is the main sticking point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vacumwondering · 16/03/2024 18:07

ForTheMemories · 16/03/2024 18:05

You’ve not gone mad, you have just been taken advantage of and let it go way too far. It happens.

You can sort it out and its not the end of the world. Tell him to move out, sort the car situation and you’ll learn a good lesson from it. You’ll be ok. 💐

Show quote history

Thank you!

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 16/03/2024 18:08

SilverBranchGoldenPears · 16/03/2024 18:05

You did this and you can undo it! 😊 positive thinking. Give him 3 months notice and get rid. Ta daaaa!

Three months is too long. He'd use it to wangle his way back into her heart and guilt her into having him back. One month is plenty. As PP says, the DC have a mother, it's not like she's making them homeless and their his responsibility not hers anyway. She's done more than enough. He can move back to his mum's or onto his mate's sofa like the deadbeat he is and build up from there. OP needs to put herself and her kids first and get to ta daaaa asap.

romdowa · 16/03/2024 18:09

I'd be telling him to move out ASAP. Wouldn't give two hoots where he goes either. Stop supporting him and his children to the detriment of your own children.

Tempnamechng · 16/03/2024 18:09

Oh @Vacumwondering, please get rid. He's pulling you down and taking money that should be for you and your dc. Think how much better off financially you will be without him. He is a user, end of. Please don't feel bad.

Original poster
Vacumwondering · 16/03/2024 18:11

Tempnamechng · 16/03/2024 18:09

Oh @Vacumwondering, please get rid. He's pulling you down and taking money that should be for you and your dc. Think how much better off financially you will be without him. He is a user, end of. Please don't feel bad.

When it was just me and DC we had a good life tbh, tough at times but holiday every year etc completely different now

OP posts:
Luckydog7 · 16/03/2024 18:12

Any relationship should have some give and take but in BOTH directions. You should both see a net benefit.

In your situation. He has all the gain, and you all the loss. Does he even pick up the slack at home? He should be doing the vast majority of the house hold tasks, cleaning, cooking, mental load. Something about your story gives me the impression this isn't the case?

HopeFloatsAbove · 16/03/2024 18:12

Ask yourself if the shoe was on the other foot, would he be so understanding towards your finances? Or lack of?

When you entered the relationship I am positive you did not count in that this scenario you are finding yourself in, would happen, right?

You thought he would have a job, provide and take part in everyday responsibility like an adult.

So you are not responsible for how things have turned out since he quit his job 8 months ago. If you were not his financial anchor he would have to provide and step up. He is now very comfortable telling you all the beautiful things to keep his setup secure. He has got it good with you. A house, car all paid for, food too, regular sex and childcare, all that comes with it with zero financial input by him, and so I get he is less sexy to you, as this is off putting for life. He clearly thinks this is ok. Its not love, its lazyness. No man goes without a job for this long. Not a decent man anyway. Yes this bloke may be a good talker, nice, say all the right things, but OP 8 Months? You own him nothing. He came with nothing and now you are paying for his car and insurance on that? Why?

He is banking off you.

I am sure this is now a financial convenience to him and without you taking charge of your life again, he will happily walk into your finances further, he is already making you take a loan so you can support your side of the family, open your eyes OP. He will always feed you the romance in order to secure his setup. Always.

I had one of those men in my life and once he was gone my finances just drastically changed for the better, and so did my emotional well being. He does not love you.

If this was your best friend or sister in the same scenario as yourself, what would you advise her?

Luckydog7 · 16/03/2024 18:12

Also why is he 'putting feelers out to friends) for work? That's not how most people get a job!

Original poster
Vacumwondering · 16/03/2024 18:13

Luckydog7 · 16/03/2024 18:12

Any relationship should have some give and take but in BOTH directions. You should both see a net benefit.

In your situation. He has all the gain, and you all the loss. Does he even pick up the slack at home? He should be doing the vast majority of the house hold tasks, cleaning, cooking, mental load. Something about your story gives me the impression this isn't the case?

He does do washing, Hoovering etc when I’m working but tbh those jobs take 5 minutes really. He doesn’t cook or do anything major really. He isn’t completely useless indoors and he does play with DC and do the school runs if I’m working, if not, I do them but I need more than that

OP posts:
almostthere75 · 16/03/2024 18:13

Could he be depressed?
It's important to know what he has going on,yes it's daunting finding a job to fit around children but in the end something must fit him.

It would be ok if he was pulling his weight house maintenance wise & keeping occupied.

Your lives are blended but something needs to be adjusted.

Noshowlomo · 16/03/2024 18:13

Think of it this way, you are taking money from your own kids to spend on him and his kids. He’s accepting this with no issues because it benefits him and his kids. There is no benefit to you and your kids

Weonlyhavealoanofit · 16/03/2024 18:15

If he was doing ‘his bit’ it would be horrible to be falling out of love, and feeling horribly guilty about separating, but then again if he was ‘doing his bit’ you wouldn’t feel this way and you’d muddle through any £ problems and work together. He’s not doing what he should be doing, to make this work. He's taking advantage of you, and this crisis is his fault, it is not caused by external factors beyond his control. He has made some selfish choices and you’re picking up the slack. You were comfortably off, now you are moving into serious £ constraints and working your socks off. Harsh words but true…he wants someone to subsidize him. Is that what you want?

betterangels · 16/03/2024 18:16

Noshowlomo · 16/03/2024 18:13

Think of it this way, you are taking money from your own kids to spend on him and his kids. He’s accepting this with no issues because it benefits him and his kids. There is no benefit to you and your kids

Exactly. He's got it made.

You don't have to live like this, OP.

K8ate · 16/03/2024 18:17

He needs to be doing all the ‘home stuff’ while you’re the bread winner doing all the ‘out of home stuff’

Can you / have you had that discussion?

opentoadvice88 · 16/03/2024 18:18

Are there any positives to staying with this man?

Original poster
Vacumwondering · 16/03/2024 18:18

Again thank you all for your comments.

I fo feel guilty because I mentioned it all because I loved him and wanted to make him happy. But I see now that he doesn’t care enough to put back in to the relationship now it is hard because it would inconvenience him and his pattern currently.

don’t think he is depressed, nothing to suggest that.

very bored of coming in from a 12 hour day (office day yesterday) having dropped and picked up all the kids from various places/clubs etc and stopped for bits in the shop on the way home to then be pestered for sex!

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 16/03/2024 18:20

He’s the one that’s done a terrible thing

he’s not bothering to work so he can clothe and feed his kids
you’ve supported him to your own detriment

Original poster
Vacumwondering · 16/03/2024 18:20

Weonlyhavealoanofit · 16/03/2024 18:15

If he was doing ‘his bit’ it would be horrible to be falling out of love, and feeling horribly guilty about separating, but then again if he was ‘doing his bit’ you wouldn’t feel this way and you’d muddle through any £ problems and work together. He’s not doing what he should be doing, to make this work. He's taking advantage of you, and this crisis is his fault, it is not caused by external factors beyond his control. He has made some selfish choices and you’re picking up the slack. You were comfortably off, now you are moving into serious £ constraints and working your socks off. Harsh words but true…he wants someone to subsidize him. Is that what you want?

Tbh, even though it’s now blatantly clear I suppose I didn’t realise it was taking money from my DC too! I do make sure they have what they need but not nessessarily what they want anymore

OP posts:
RadRad · 16/03/2024 18:21

Sorry OP, don’t blame yourself, to me it sounds like he had actually planned it all out in this exact order. I might be wrong but the timing of everything after you have moved together rings alarm bells. I would look for an exit.

PurplePansy05 · 16/03/2024 18:23

Vacumwondering · 16/03/2024 17:56

Typing all this out makes me sound like Iv gone mad!

Show quote history

Yep, he's a parasite. Glad you've woken up, OP!

Pinkdelight3 · 16/03/2024 18:26

very bored of coming in from a 12 hour day (office day yesterday) having dropped and picked up all the kids from various places/clubs etc and stopped for bits in the shop on the way home to then be pestered for sex!

This is sickening and crazy to keep going. He's clearly not depressed, not that that would be your problem nor any excuse for him to take the piss so badly. I'd take yesterday as the last straw. No more bullshit gestures or fake promises from him. Those would only be self-serving to keep the money hose flowing. Remember that day and call time so you're back in control of your own life and DC and know it won't happen again. Honestly, you need to stop blaming yourself. You did a nice thing and he massively took advantage. Learn from it and stop further facilitating his selfish behaviour. He certainly isn't wasting any energy feeling guilty about you.