I think I have done a terrible thing

[Vacumwondering]

DP and I been together for 3 years. He was my childhood sweetheart and we separated late teens due to watching different things in life (education/music career).

15 years later, single, we meet back up, both have DC with other people. We fall in love, life is perfect, DC’s get along we are the perfect couple. We move fast. He moved in with me and my DC.

Then his job started to take a turn, horrible manger, unreasonable hours, terrible pay, so I tell him to quit and take some time to figure what he really wants (I earn v. Good salary so bills etc were not an issue short term) plus I love him so why not want best for your love.

Then he wanted to see his DC’s more. So we got 50/50 custody. Again for the ‘family’.

That was 8 months ago. Since he has not got another job. A couple of days here and there. I pay for everything. As the woman/mum, I do most of everything. I had to sell my car due, we had to cancel our holiday, Iv had to borrow money from family (as has he) due to financial issues.

im resentful. Have tried to discuss it but it doesn’t really work/nothing changes. And tbh I think Iv fallen out of love. We don’t have any fun anymore, it’s all just work, kids, slog, money issues, petty arguments. We haven’t really spoken in 2 days and I don’t think I really care.

He tells me he loves me all the time etc but I don’t see any of that, he will then make OTT demonstrations of love and I just can’t be doing with it.

But essentially, he doesn’t have a job, wouldn’t be able to have his DC 50/50 without me and my support, he has no home and I feel that by supporting him in these things I have kind of made my bed and it would be heartless to end it now.

Any advice?

Would you want the relationship to continue if he was self sufficient and pulled his weight? Or is it over for you entirely?

Either way, I think it’s fair to tell him that he’s got a month to get a job and take on his own bills including his car. You supported him in the short term but you cannot sustain it any longer. A month will give him either time to prove himself or time to move out.

In response to him whining saying ‘but you said you’d support me’ etc, it’s ok to respond with ‘well I’ve changed my mind. I feel like you’re taking the piss and I won’t be supporting you anymore’. It’s ok to change your mind!

Ok,so if depression isn't a factor then is he is financially abusing you?

He needs to know that you are a couple and you should not be paying for something unlimited which he owns... I dunno but it's very unbalanced.

Has he suggested claiming benefits to help the family?
What would he say if you said he needs to do school runs everyday?

Blended families are not easy and as with first marriages - it's not usually the man who is unhappy with the imbalances.

He is a cocklodger, OP :(

He can go back to his parents.

Some people are like this.
Life is too much for them and they scale back their responsibilities as soon as that opportunity arises.

He's not even cooking the dinner every night.

For some reason your car disappeared but his car stayed. Somehow you offered to pay for his car. He could have asked his mother to pay his car.

There's a lot of rescuing going on so there's no unpleasantness.

You put his needs first ahead of your own.

He had uncomfortable feelings in his job, so you couldn't tolerate him having unpleasant experiences so you gave him an out.

I suspect he gets airtime to whine about how life's circumstances have done him wrong, but you don't bombard him with your problems.

Time to put you and your kids first.

As the woman/mum I do most of everything.

This is going to sound harsh OP but bear with me.

Do you really want that sentence to be what your children learn about relationships?

That men do what they want and women do everything for everyone else?

That men don't have to work if they can't be arsed because a woman will do it for them... and do all the life admin too?

That cooking, cleaning, childcare AND working are women's responsibilities. While men have none?

It's a terrible relationship dynamic to be showing them.

And every pound you spend on subsidising him is a pound you could be spending on them or saving for them, to make their short or long term life better.

And every minute of extra work you have to do to subsidise him is an extra minute you could be spending with your children.

And every bit of headspace he takes up by pissing you off with his laziness is a bit of headspace you could be using to give them a happier, calmer mum.

Put them first. Get him out.

I manage to work FT and take my kids to clubs etc as a single parent with no car - and I have the kids almost all the time.

You know he’s just making excuses and trying to deflect and distract. He is draining resources away from you and your children.

why on earth did you get rid of your car and pay for his instead? He’s absolutely twisted things around so you feel guilty about him treating you poorly.

Just kick him out. You don’t need to feel bad about the consequences for him. He’s an adult. He needs to sort himself out. He’s currently the big fat cuckoo in your nest - evict him so your family can thrive.

Christ this is exactly it!

i pay all his bills - including his phone bill, DC’s clubs etc!’ Because they were in it before the arrangement started and they enjoy it 😔

OP, you need to get out of this. It gets worse with every post. Free yourself and have a good life with your children.

You will be doing him a kindness by ending the relationship. He will then be motivated to look for work and pay his way.

You need to really set some boundaries here and stick to them. And work really hard to properly frame things so you stop absolving him of responsibility.

Stop paying his bills and for his kids clubs. He needs to sort that out. Do not feel bad about it - everything you pay for his phone, his car, his kids clubs is money your kids are not getting. All the time you’re spending running around after him and his kids is time your kids aren’t getting (or you!).

He is a grown man with children. He needs to get a job, pay his bills, house and clothe his children. None of that is your job. His children won’t be missing out because of you; they’re missing out because he isn’t supporting them or providing for them.

saying no does not make you the bad guy. It just exposes his failures. Expose them. Let him take responsibility for sorting himself out.

Stop paying for his car and get yourself a car. It’s his contract so his problem if he can’t pay it. If you don’t currently have the deposit, save the money you have been spending on his car (and his phone, his food, his financial responsibilities towards his children… ) and get a new car when you have saved enough.

OP, I agree with everyone else, he is a cocklodger. But I'm wondering how your DC view it all. Do they like him? How do they feel about sharing half the week with his DC? How does he pay his child maintenance? Or do you pay that too?
You really need him to go back to his parents. If there are any real feelings left in your relationship maybe when he has got a job and sorted himself you could consider seeing him-but definitely not living together. Good luck.

I think that the fact that he has killed all the love you had for him by his behaviour, says it all.
Give him an ultimatum get a job, within the next week, pay what he owes you for his car payments etc or you will pack up his stuff and evict him.
There are plenty of jobs around if you're not picky, he can do warehouse or labouring work until he finds something more suitable. He is being so disrespectful to you and your children, he cannot love you as he is not showing you any respect!

My DC are teens so just tolerate him really. Sometimes they get on, but I don’t think they would mind either way if he was here or not.

They have noticed the difference in our lifestyle though. They were probably a bit spoiled before but as PP have said, I have worked hard to give them a nice life.

The next time his kids are not with you, pack his stuff and change the locks. Brief your kids about the change in living arrangements and tell them not to open the door to him.

Send him a text telling him that he is no longer living with you. This may sound callous, but he has more than just taken advantage of you - he has CONNED you. He doesn't deserve your well meaning consideration for his welfare.

Once the dust has settled, invest in a new car a d some counselling. Work on your self esteem and boundaries. Women Who Love Too Much and The Six Pillars of Self Esteem would be useful books for you to read.

My best friend is you OP.

Her boyfriend complained that she sends one of her kids to private school ( the older one goes to grammar), and his kids don't so he was whinging that my friend either needs to take her kid out of private or she works harder to send all the kids ( his kids) the same opportunities.

He hasn't worked for a year either.

Don't make your kids suffer. They don't deserve a shit man.

.

Cock lodged to long me thinks
time to
get shot

Please stop parenting this man baby and improve the lives of you and your dc by making him leave. This man will drain you of everything you have, time, finances, emotional well-being etc if you let him, and then what will be left for yourself and your children?

Haven’t RTFT, just the OP.

So you encouraged him to leave his job with nothing to go to, on the basis you were going to support him, and now you’re annoyed and resentful he doesn’t have a job.

so I tell him to quit and take some time to figure out what he wants

I read this bit and before reading any further thought – jesus what awful advice. Now he’s going to be completely reliant on you, and by my reckoning if you’re not lucky enough to find your next job within 3 months, you’re in dangerous waters mentally. Have you ever been unemployed OP? FYI, it’s not a great place to be in trying to present yourself confidently in interviews while being aware you’re unemployed, homeless and reliant on a gf / bf to keep a roof over your head (no protection of marriage), and who might suddenly decide they don’t want you living there any longer. Very vulnerable position to be in.

I can’t believe you didn’t anticipate this might put a strain on the relationship (not to mention both of you individually).

Newsflash: you can’t always get a new job at the drop of a hat. And you actually say in your OP you wanted him to ‘take some time to figure out what he wants’. How much time?

I feel sorry for your boyfriend. This situation would have been bad enough if you’d remained supportive. Now he’s got a relationship breakdown to add to his woes and presumably potential loss is of joint custody. The one thing I will say is he was foolish also to walk in to this situation. At best you’ve both been very naïve to think this was a good idea.

@Rainwind65 I hope she’s told him to fuck off

Get rid of him

His mum can house him and pay for his car and his kids' activities.

You and your kids were happier and better off without him.

You need to bin off your embarrassment - you shouldn't be embarrassed - and tell your family and friends.

And get yourself a bloody car. What a selfish twat he sounds, having you pay his car finance whilst you have no car.

I do completely get this side of the argument.

I should have said in original post, we agreed 6 weeks. But this was also on the premise that he received a final salary payment which he didn’t because apparently he took all his A/L before the end of the year which I was unaware of at the time. So he ended up with nothing. We managed for 3 months, then things started running dry, savings etc, so I mentioned about work but he was immediately resistant. He has watch me struggle since. It was a vulnerable thing and I knew he was putting trust in me, but I thought it was for us, to make our relationship stronger as he would be happier in a better job and with his children more, but it’s not worked out like that.

Do you still find him attractive?