Why do men who “don’t want kids” end up having one with the next woman they meet

[lalalapancakes]

Any ideas? Known of several who are adamant they never want children only to get into a relationship with someone else and have them… I’m sure sometimes unplanned pregnancies but often planned too.

Moonlitwalk , sorry I disagree. I think pressured is the exact word.

Really? how is it pressuring to meet someone online if they make it clear from the beginning that they want kids and you don't?
If you choose to date them knowing that, its not pressure at all- its your own choice to compromise

It might be different if they lie to you about it but if they're open from the beginning and you go along with it knowing its not right for you then thats 100% on you

Some men do want kids - I married one - DH was a researcher in office with many young men they all got broody when we had our first all eventually had kids but many years later as were sensible building two careers buying houses.

Every pg either I or DH have been let go in some fashion - we had number of kids we wanted anyway but it not great experience.

One of DH mature student said having kids very young means there there and you just plan life round that - all our friends late 20s early 30s for parenthood could all buy that argument.

I remember some famous writer being interview which touch on IVF him and wife had - he said she literally on her 40th - him older - had to sit him down and say it now or never for kids - he said he argued didn't feel old enough though wanted one- any way in end they had a child he took them to park realised he was 20+ years older than his dad doing same and that he was quite old to have a child that young.

Insecure housing and employment and general infantilising of young adults I think pushes many to feel too young - and men don't get the biological ticking clock messages women are bombarded with.

Data scientist who goes on about birth gap data argues men and women leave it too late and then have regrets - it's later than you think argument - now counter argument is it was that important to be a parent they'd have done it earlier.

Maybe these men in new relationships are having the epiphany - I am getting older and time and chances are running out.

When I met my husband we both did not want any more children, we both actively looked for a partner who had children/didn't want any as we knew it wasn't something we wanted.
When we got married we both knew we wouldn't have more children- he'd had a vasectomy when married to his first wife so it wasn't really an option.
6 months after our wedding I got an overwhelming urge to have another child. I thought it would be something I would need to live with as I knew he didn't want any more children. However when we discussed it it turned out he felt the same. He had his vasectomy reversed and we are currently trying for a baby. He is just as keen, if not more so, than me.

From my perspective I would only want a baby with him. It's about him and our relationship and I wouldn't just want a baby unless it was his if that makes sense.

I think in some groups of men, it takes one to propose or have a baby or commit to buying a house or something with their partner, then it makes it more palatable for the rest to follow suit. Competitive? Not wanting to lose face? Not wanting to be the first to make jokes about the ball and chain, but happy to be the second or third, as the element of lack of choice about it means they can dodge their responsibilities in future if needs be? 🤡🙄

Also I suspect a lot of them do actually feel a masculine urge to prove that they aren't wrong, wounded by their fragile masculinity about imploding their ex's whole life and her reproductive chances, so they feel they have to go all-in with the next woman, baby and all. To "prove" that they haven't fucked everything up and behaved terribly and are a shit human.

I also think a MASSIVE amount of (shit) men are just along for the ride, quite literally... Just living, going through the motions, even up to marriage and kids. They don't really give a fuck about what ultimately happens because essentially they are free to walk away from most situations and society/the patriarchy doesn't judge them for it. So a sudden baby/marriage/second relationship doesn't hold the same weight as it does for the women involved. A form of punishment, even, in the ones that hate women the most. A nice neat fuck-you to the ex, wrapped up in an easily disposable bow.

Hahaha!

Same with marriage. They claim they don't believe in it or some other BS. String you along for 10+ years only to propose to the next one instantly. Has happened to me twice because I'm clearly not marriage material which I've now accepted

Same with marriage. They claim they don't believe in it or some other BS. String you along for 10+ years only to propose to the next one instantly. Has happened to me twice because I'm clearly not marriage material which I've now accepted
It's not stringing anyone along if someone says they don't want marriage and don't believe in it. They're being clear that they don't want this relationship to end on marriage.

When someone says they aren't up for marriage the other person has a choice:

1. Remain with someone knowing that marriage isn't on the cards
2. Leave the relationship because they're not on the same page and want different things.

Same with children. If someone says they don't want children there's a choice:

1. Remain in the relationship and know that children isn't on the cards
2. Leave the relationship because they're not on the same page and want different things.

Nobody has to stay in a relationship with someone who wants totally different things in life.

This is nothing to do with you being 'marriage material', whatever that is.
Personally I think it is more to do with the fact that they probably didn't ever want to get married but the next one was more forceful about it.
Or they lost you and felt crap about it and so married the next one so they'd find it harder to get away.

In my experience they said they wanted marriage early on. As I had said that's what my intentions were in a relationship, just to ensure we were compatible. Few years go by, they change their minds and claim they no longer believe in it, or aren't ready. So I personally see that as stringing along. If you went into the relationship KNOWING they weren't in it for marriage, then no. You know where you stand, you either stay or go. But if you were made to believe they were just to keep you happy then that's being strung along

In my experience they said they wanted marriage early on. As I had said that's what my intentions were in a relationship, just to ensure we were compatible. Few years go by, they change their minds and claim they no longer believe in it, or aren't ready. So I personally see that as stringing along. If you went into the relationship KNOWING they weren't in it for marriage, then no. You know where you stand, you either stay or go. But if you were made to believe they were just to keep you happy then that's being strung along
The stringing along was them saying they wanted marriage for a couple of years.

Once they said they didn't want it then that's no longer stringing anyone along.

The men who say they don't believe in marriage aren't stringing anyone along. They're clear what their position is. If people choose to stay with them past that point it's on them.

Agree that as they get older and fatter and can't pull the 20's any more they realise they'll end up on the shelf unless they grow up. FWIW I know a jack the lad who refused children with long term girlfriend and the one he cheated on her with (far younger), shagged a few more 20yo's then found a woman a little younger than him who had her own house/car/savings and actually gave her the whole "I've never wanted kids with anyone but you!" spiel. She very nearly fell for it and came off BC, was looking at rings and wedding venues before discovering quite a sordid past (the finer details of who he cheated on the long term gf with, very grim).

So men can certainly try to trap women into having kids when they see money and a more lavish lifestyle ahead. Luckily my friend found out when she did or he would have had his feet under the table.

I don't want kids, 'coincidently' last 4 dates I've had have all been met with 'me neither'.
Now what are the chances that I'm 4 for 4 on men who don't want kids? Unlikely.

More likely men who don't feel particularly strongly one way or another, have no problem saying they don't want them. Especially if it gets them another date.

Men on the fence don't want them...until they do. They have no problem saying they don't want them because they don't even think about them. Because they don't have to. There's no biological hurry or reproductive cycle to make it forefront of their minds. If they have one, they can even abandon it with little repercussions.

Meaning one day they can flippantly decide they want kids in the same way you or I would decide we needed a new wardrobe or to repaint our kitchen.

My husband was one of these men. Never wanted children. Wouldn’t date a woman with children. Moved on from a couple of girlfriends because they wanted children and he didn’t.

We started seeing each other very casually, I have 2 children from a previous relationship who he didn’t meet for some time. Eventually he met them and enjoyed spending time with them. We now have one child together. He is a fantastic father.

His reasons for not wanting children prior to me were partly to do with his exes but also his insecurities of not being a good dad and not wanting to change his lifestyle.

I laugh because his exes must think I trapped him because he really did do a U turn on his thoughts.

Same here! Child free by choice and loving life in my 60’s! Long May the good life continue! 🥂🏖️

I didn’t want children or marriage at all, and was adamant about this with all my previous long term partners. But with my husband, who was 6 yrs younger than me, I started to want different things, and we got married and had children.

I think part of it was that I had grown up a little, and started thinking about these things in my early thirties, and part of it was him.

My ex decided he didn't want children about 6 weeks before our third child was born. He left to 'find himself again' and a couple of months later he had not only found himself but also much younger partner. Two years on he had remarried and they had a child. New wife makes it very clear that she hates his children by his first marriage and unfortunately takes it out on them by being abusive. I tried arranging for them to go over one at a time but this didn't make things any better.
Only our youngest still sees him occasionally and NW arranges to go to her mum's.

This. I accidentally did this, didn’t want children with 1st husband. We split up, then a few years later l had IVF twins with my 2nd husband. 1st husband is probably rather annoyed but he shouldn’t have been so lazy and selfish. He wouldn’t do his share of household or organisation in our relationship but swore blind he would change if we had children and funnily enough l wasn’t willing to take that chance. Ironically him and his 2nd wife can’t have children, after him having an affair with her and leaving her for me. Think she promised him marriage, children etc

I have been this person.

I wanted children all of my life - then in my previous relationship I didn’t want them any more. The want to have them slowly dwindled the worse the relationship got.
Once I was out of that relationship I came to the realisation that I just didn’t want a family with him.

I now have 2 children with my partner and my children were very much wanted.

@Librarybooker Was the man called Garth?

Random question I know, but could be an old friend of a next door neighbour (I didn't know them personally, but scenario fits and one of the children was Octavia). We used to get neighbours' old Christmas cards to cut up and I was fascinated by her name.

Or it could be a coincidence.

My ex didn't want children because art, you know.

The pram in the hall is the enemy of all art.

After 10 years, I ended up jumping ship and had a lovely baby boy just a few years after (I was mid 30's by then) with DH.

Still friends with ex and I do sometimes wonder if he regrets not settling down. He went on to a disaster relationship which left him quite heartbroken.

He once mentioned, long after we split, seeing families in the street and wishing he could be one of them. I refrained from comment!

No different name 💕

1. Because contraception isn't 100%
2. Because they changed their mind
3. Because they didn't want children with you, but did with someone else.

Men aren't a hive mind. We all do things for different reasons.

The hive part is most of the reasons usually involve sex.
The one thing men can be guaranteed to ruin their lives over.

Yes, all men are controlled by the penis. We must do what the penis wants, no matter the consequences.

It's not like there's multiple posts on the front page of this board right now from women who's husband's aren't bothered about sex.

Sex with the poster anyway.
Wait for the follow up.