Why do men who “don’t want kids” end up having one with the next woman they meet

[lalalapancakes]

Any ideas? Known of several who are adamant they never want children only to get into a relationship with someone else and have them… I’m sure sometimes unplanned pregnancies but often planned too.

If a woman is desperate for children and the man is totally against it ( or vice versa) why would anyone stay in the relationship for so long? They are obviously not compatible if they have different goals in life

The new woman puts her needs first and the man follows suit.

I would also say that these feelings aren't even conscious a lot of the time.

Most of the people I knew in relationships in their early 20s did not consider them "starter" relationships. Most people in their early 20s can't properly imagine life 10 years down the road, I know I couldn't. They all thought that this was as good as a relationship got. And for a lot of them, that feeling was good, but not enough to want to bring children into the relationship - so they thought they didn't want children at all.

Then it turned out the relationship wasn't good enough to last (par for the course in your 20s, hence how with the wisdom of age we can see "starter" relationships for what they are). And then along came a confluence of the right person and the right timing... and people's feelings change completely.

I think men want to spend their 20s and 30s having fun and being free. They enjoy their youth, unencumbered by children.

Then in their 40s and 50s they want to see what else life has to offer, they've slowed down. They think they might as well experience having children.

Basically what George Clooney did.

I saw a Seth Rogan quote recently where he says he and his wife and psyched to be childfree, lying in bed smoking weed and watching movies etc. when I read it I thought, I bet he'll have children with his next wife.

I think sometimes emotionally immature men will have a child with the next because they think it will keep them. They don't like going through rejection, maybe they put the rejection down to not having a child with you. They have the child to keep the next as you've made them realise children are what women want and they want a woman.

Nice genuine men may just feel differently in a different relationship.

I have a friend who married young neither him nor his wife wanted children and they didn’t have any. She actually left him and he was devastated. He was mid forties as was she.

He did OLD and met a woman who was late thirties, children were non negotiable and she would have ended it. So he became a Father at 48. His ex wife also remarried and they have remained friends. He would happily have remained childless but he didn’t want to lose her.

It’s pretty obvious in many cases where they have changed their minds it’s mainly that they love the woman so much they won’t risk losing her.

I had a lovely BF when I was at University that wanted to marry me. We both settled in to great jobs. We met each others families, even my big brother liked him but it just didn’t feel quite right. He wrote a beautiful acknowledgment to me in his PhD. After three years I broke it off, I hope he met someone who loved him as much as he loved me. The heart feels and we cannot force it either way.

I'd also add that they realise how hard it is to actually bag an actual child-free woman. We don't tend to prioritise finding a relationship, certainly not with the time pressure a woman who wants children will feel. We tend to be career-focused, happy with our lives as they are, and only want a man who will actively enhance what we have already. We don't tend to compromise ourselves for a man. The child-free women I know are either all with their perfect partner, or happy to do their their thing solo indefinitely. We're free to have very high (or very partiucular standards) and most men do not meet them.

This is a bit patronising to them. Why would you think a child-free couple in their 40s wouldn't last? DP and I are psyched to be child-free entering our 40s for very similar reasons.

Spending my 20s and 30s having fun and being free has been terrific, I fully intend to keep this going into my 40s and 50s.

Sometimes you might genuinely think you don't want kids, but then you get with someone else and realise it was just that you didn't want a family with THAT person. It's not necessarily a conscious thing, they may not have done it on purpose.

I did this. I was with a guy for over 10yrs. I never thought I wanted children despite him being desperate for them. We broke up, I met someone new and got married and had children with them. The relationship just wasn’t right before, I wasn’t as in love as I thought I was.

Children are what SOME women want.

You mean they trap men who won't take responsibility for their own contraception?

Of course, my reference was to the op and the question that was asked regarding the men who I presumed were in relationships with woman who did want children but were sure they didn't want them then changed their minds.
Also were I am talking about emotionally immature men from my experience do think that all women want the same.

However I would never assume that all women wanted the same thing, how absurd!

What most people said - they didn’t want kids with the previous woman and do with the next one. Happens a lot. I don’t think it’s that complicated.

Yep agree with this.

They just didn’t want to settle down/have kids with the previous person.

This.
To be honest as long as they were clear on their position and weren't dangling the "maybe we will have kids one day/in 2 years etc" lines like carrots then it's fine for them to say to anyone they're in a relationship that they don't want kids, because it's true at that point in time. Their partner is free to decide if they want to remain in a relationship with a man who has openly said he doesn't want kids or they're free to leave.

Everyone is allowed to change their mind and have different priorities in the future as their circumstances change.

Met my partner when he was almost 40 and he reckoned every single one of his exs was on birth control so unplanned pregnancy was never an issue. I think if those woman wanted too there could have been a 'surprise' baby and he'd have no idea. My best friend did this actually, she got pregnant on the pill (lies, she stopped taking it but that's only between me and her). Luckily they are married now and have been for over a decade.

Easy, didn't want them with you.
It's like men who say 'they don't want to marry".
Does this story sound familiar?:
You've been with this guys for 8 years, (you've moved in together- obviously - no one says that if they don't get to sleep with the girl) he says he doesn't want to marry, what is marriage anyway, it is just a piece of paper etc. You break up, he marries his next girlfriend within a year!
Yep, he just didn't want to commit to YOU

Timing with men. When they're ready for marriage and kids they'll marry and have kids with whoever they are with at the time.

The odds of this happening can be greatly increased if the woman treats him like a prince with words and coddling whilst also putting her own agenda first to move her life forward the way she wants it to go.

This does not mean though that he's definitely going to be around for the long term for her and the child, let's be honest.

Every single mum knows that once the next woman come along more often that not, he will forget he has children that he needs to actively raise and support emotionally 50/50 for every. day. of. their. life.

So if you're ever thinking why not me? if he has children with the next one. Re-think that. Maybe it was a blessing not to be life-tied by children with him, whether you split or not. And if the timing wasn't right with you, you would never have been the one, it's literally not about you.

Time will tell.

Fact is in this scenario he practiced being ready for 8 years, played house etc...thought yep I could do this I've learned what I need to learn, let me go and do it for real with someone now.

Finds the next girl and away he goes.

Someone I know was married and did not want children with his wife he didn’t trust her with contraception so had a vasectomy.

They divorced, he remarried, had a reversal and successfully had two children.

He says now, he did not want children at all with his then wife as the mother.

Mostly it’s “I don’t want kids with you”.

Occasionally it’s because they lost the previous person over not wanting kids and so they change their minds because they realise that stance is a deal breaker and they don’t want to lose another person over the same issue.

This. Some women are much better at putting their needs forward and not taking any nonsense.

They just didn’t want to settle down/have kids with the previous person.

This - though I don't necessarily thing it's always stringing along or filler - but maybe their age or some indefinable thing that changes - or just next partner is up front and very firm about their desire for kids.

I think there a lot of really shit advice aimed at girls and women - have fun don't talk though big issues till marriage/stable point ahead - sleep walk though life.

I met DH at 18 but knew wanted kids but not for years and knew education and career plans mentioned them and asked his as part of general chit chat conversations - I wanted someone who wanted kids - if we hadn't had long term compatibly life goals and outlooks we'd have had fun for bit and parted - instead of staying together checking periodically on same page and slowly nearly a decade getting to point we could have first.

Obviously some men lie about long term goals - DSis first ex did that with endless excuses or would take a step when it was clear she was near end - buying house - engagement with no wedding date ever - then walked out when she accidentally got pg.