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Why do men who “don’t want kids” end up having one with the next woman they meet

153 replies

lalalapancakes · 13/03/2024 05:20

Any ideas? Known of several who are adamant they never want children only to get into a relationship with someone else and have them… I’m sure sometimes unplanned pregnancies but often planned too.

OP posts:
ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 13/03/2024 12:33

They do want kids but just not with that one person. Easier life to say they want none rather than say they can't see themselves having kids with that one person.

OneOffPoster · 13/03/2024 12:35

DH and I are 40 and 42 and have been together for 20 years. We're blissfully married and have never wanted kids.
In this relationship there is nothing missing, we're each other's soulmate, and we absolutely love our life together.

I've insisted DH doesn't have a vasectomy - as he's suggested - incase I die and he goes on to want kids with another woman.

We both agree that, in a new relationship with someone you've only known for a year or two - frankly - you wouldn't have much to lose, and so might end up having a baby either by following the path of least resistance, or for something to do together.

NavyPeer · 13/03/2024 12:45

talk of accidental pregnancies and being ‘baby trapped’ by the next women are just denial and wishful thinking.

99% of the time they just weren’t that into you and didn’t want to be tied to you. But when they meet ‘the one’, everything changes and they WANT to have a family with her. It is a complete 180.

for many men- their desire for children and their eventual relationship with those children are an extension of their love for the mother. Unfortunately why so many blokes are absent dads to family number 1 when the relationship ends.

terfinthewild · 13/03/2024 12:48

fuckyourpronouns · 13/03/2024 07:44

FWIW when I met my husband I said to him, I want kids and marriage. I'm 30 so it needs to happen in the next couple of years. If that's not in your future don't waste my time.

I did the same. He still teases me about how I 'forced' him to have kids.

Mistymist · 13/03/2024 12:53

They didn't want children or settle down with that particular person. It's not new and it doesn't happen to men only.
I am woman and I didn't want to have children or get married to my previous long-term partner, however I married my DH and we also want children together.

kkloo · 13/03/2024 12:59

MississippiAF · 13/03/2024 09:10

Honestly, this is the kind of thing your well-meaning friends tell you after a breakup, when the truth is he just wasn’t that into you. Denial is strong, as a PP said

In my experience men have always got very broody once they fell for me....and one of them specifically told me that he wasn't sure if he wanted kids but he had a huge urge to have a baby with me because he was in love.

So I don't think it's a wild notion, especially if the previous relationship had died a long time ago and there was no passion etc, the contrast of the old dying relationship versus the new passionate relationship could really make the man feel like the new relationship is something special.

Add to that the fact that many people think that in brand new relationships, but then the cracks show and they break up before the year is out, and I can see how some people could rush in to having a baby early on with someone new, but perhaps if they waited they wouldn't have!

Just googled it out of interest and there's actually truth to it!
https://www.newscientist.com/article/mg21328515-700-falling-in-love-makes-you-broody/#:~:text=FALLING%20in%20love%20really%20does,the%20outset%20of%20a%20relationship.

However it does says they're either broody or that they're only responding more to baby stimuli because they're so on guard that the woman might want one 😂but I'd say that in many it does make them broody seeing as it does seem to be quite common that they go on to have the baby!

Falling in love makes you broody

Parents and those newly head-over-heals show greater activation of brain areas related to parental attachment when they see a baby than single people

https://www.newscientist.com/article/mg21328515-700-falling-in-love-makes-you-broody#:~:text=FALLING%20in%20love%20really%20does,the%20outset%20of%20a%20relationship.

Cas112 · 13/03/2024 13:03

They dont mean they 'dont want kids' they mean they 'dont want kids with you'

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/03/2024 13:03

Timing with men. When they're ready for marriage and kids they'll marry and have kids with whoever they are with at the time.

Nearly every other post shows this isn’t the case.

occhiazzurri · 13/03/2024 14:57

I think it depends on age and whether they are looking for marriage/relationship. Plenty of men on OLD seem to be keen to become fathers in their 40s and even 50s so clearly some me can not want kids in their 20s/30s and decide they want them later in life. For a lot of them that is also the only way that they can date someone 10-15 years younger so some will go along with it for that reason.

Travelban · 13/03/2024 15:15

In my personal experience the 'being ready'bit doesn't feature much

It's either they are not with the right person, not feeling it, or like someone else said a jack the lad getting older and realising he is not so good looking anymore and needs to give something to keep younger girlfriend happy.

I think the being ready for men is a bit like the 'I am not ready for a relationship'. Just an excuse.

Plenty of men have kids whilst not ready emotionally or financially!

oldtiles · 13/03/2024 15:46

My experience is less the usual take that “men do want kids just not with you” and more that with some men you need to strike while the iron is hot and that they are more amenable to things like marriage and babies in the earlier stages of a relationship, during the honeymoon phase.

I’ve known many men who are with their long term girlfriends say since uni then their girlfriend of 7 years starts talking about buying a house, getting married and trying for a baby. As a woman she needs to plan ahead if she wants kids due to a more limited window, fitting it around her career, getting married, buying a home etc. For a guy out who has been with the same girlfriend since his early 20s that might be the first real thought he has given it. He loves his girlfriend and is comfortable In the relationship but he also harbours fantasies of what he might still do, what he’d do if he were single. It is mostly all just idle fantasy but that and being out of the loved up, honeymoon phase means he feels trapped and pressured by talk of mortgages, marriage and babies at 28 or 30.

Sometimes the guy will in time accept that if he wants to stay in that relationship he will need to commit more seriously but other times the woman will dump the guy if he isn’t moving fast enough or the relationship is damaged by the pressure. Equally I know other women who stopped pushing for marriage and babies and then they get pregnant at some point anyway and everything works out fine. A uni friend of mine who is now “happily”married with two kids to his uni girlfriend was dumped by her one Christmas due to his failure to propose, he did eventually go crawling back to her with an engagement ring but not before he had tried to hit up me and no doubt other women to see if he might have a less pressured option elsewhere. I don’t think she knows he used that period to explore his options before going back to her.

My brother in law was in two long term relationships which were ended over pressures for marriage and children in his 20s and early 30’s. He then met a woman his age at 33 and within a year they were married with a baby on the way. It’s not like they have a fairytale marriage or that she was just magically the right person but she having been through it before and knowing she wanted kids and a husband moved quickly to lock things down while he was still loved up and amenable. Those who know them well know the marriage isn’t perfect or even all that great but from the outside, perhaps to his ex’s it looks like a textbook situation where he moved fast when he’d met the right person he did want kids and marriage with. That is just one example out of many I can think of.

There is probably also some truth to men finally settling down when they feel like their player days are over and they don’t want to end up alone so they finally settle and behave themselves, you certainly see this with a lot of rich or famous men who suddenly seem to meet the right one in their 50s, it’s perhaps less that the wife is loved so much more and more that temptation no longer abounds for them as it did in their younger days.

WhatNoRaisins · 13/03/2024 16:05

I think a lot of men have unrealistic ideas of their worth (I know that term sounds horrible but couldn't think what else to put) on the dating market but don't realise until they discover it for themselves. Some probably need a wake up call that they can't just walk into another chilled out child free arrangement and have to rethink what they want.

SoRainbowRhythms · 13/03/2024 16:08

I'm childfree by choice and was upfront with my stbxh about this very early in our relationship. He confirmed he didn't want children either, and was very vocally childfree throughout our relationship.

8 years later and he's left me, citing among many reasons that he did always want children but just "went along with it" for me. Whispers on the grapevine tell me he's got someone 16 years his junior pregnant.

It was hard enough being abandoned, but throwing my choices which I have never hidden or changed in my face has stuck in my throat.

oldtiles · 13/03/2024 16:11

@WhatNoRaisins I do think quite a lot of guys if they have been in long term relationships since they were late teens early 20s and have effectively had a long term girlfriend/ relationship smooth their edges and improve their SMV as well as perhaps having a bit more money and looking a bit better than they did imagine that if only they were single again they’d be “slaying” left right and centre. I think it’s mostly just a fantasy but I think a lot of guys harbour fantasies of making up for missed opportunities when they were younger.

MarmaladeOrangey · 13/03/2024 16:13

WhatNoRaisins · 13/03/2024 16:05

I think a lot of men have unrealistic ideas of their worth (I know that term sounds horrible but couldn't think what else to put) on the dating market but don't realise until they discover it for themselves. Some probably need a wake up call that they can't just walk into another chilled out child free arrangement and have to rethink what they want.

I agree.

Someone I know bounced out of their marriage of 15 years and was, if not already, on apps the first week. 2 years of constant rejection didn't fare well on them. In the end they lowered their standards as low as you can (and yes I will judge women who bring their 4 and 8 year old to sleep over at a mans house they have known a week and only met twice)
She was obviously after a meal ticket and he earns in the top 5%.
The situation lasted 4 months, was very fractious and when ended she said to him 'what will I tell the children', like he cared, he had 3 of his own children and didn't bother seeing them.

MarmaladeOrangey · 13/03/2024 16:15

oldtiles · 13/03/2024 16:11

@WhatNoRaisins I do think quite a lot of guys if they have been in long term relationships since they were late teens early 20s and have effectively had a long term girlfriend/ relationship smooth their edges and improve their SMV as well as perhaps having a bit more money and looking a bit better than they did imagine that if only they were single again they’d be “slaying” left right and centre. I think it’s mostly just a fantasy but I think a lot of guys harbour fantasies of making up for missed opportunities when they were younger.

I agree, see my post above.

TheSnowyOwl · 13/03/2024 16:21

It’s always

1: he wanted children but not with the woman he was with.
2: he didn’t want children but he wanted her enough to agree to them.
3: the pregnancy unplanned (by him at least) and he stays with her (see 2).
4: he didn’t want children until that stage in his life.

oldtiles · 13/03/2024 16:27

kkloo · 13/03/2024 12:59

In my experience men have always got very broody once they fell for me....and one of them specifically told me that he wasn't sure if he wanted kids but he had a huge urge to have a baby with me because he was in love.

So I don't think it's a wild notion, especially if the previous relationship had died a long time ago and there was no passion etc, the contrast of the old dying relationship versus the new passionate relationship could really make the man feel like the new relationship is something special.

Add to that the fact that many people think that in brand new relationships, but then the cracks show and they break up before the year is out, and I can see how some people could rush in to having a baby early on with someone new, but perhaps if they waited they wouldn't have!

Just googled it out of interest and there's actually truth to it!
https://www.newscientist.com/article/mg21328515-700-falling-in-love-makes-you-broody/#:~:text=FALLING%20in%20love%20really%20does,the%20outset%20of%20a%20relationship.

However it does says they're either broody or that they're only responding more to baby stimuli because they're so on guard that the woman might want one 😂but I'd say that in many it does make them broody seeing as it does seem to be quite common that they go on to have the baby!

This is my thinking as well, I think it makes more sense than the idea that men suddenly know x person is the right one to have kids with and marry. As always we are usually less in command than we think we are!

RhubarbGingerJam · 13/03/2024 16:31

I do think quite a lot of guys if they have been in long term relationships since they were late teens early 20s and have effectively had a long term girlfriend/ relationship smooth their edges and improve their SMV as well as perhaps having a bit more money and looking a bit better than they did imagine that if only they were single again they’d be “slaying” left right and centre

Overheard more than once some of DH mates saying that to him in early 20s - that he should ditch me and play the field - they are late 40s like us now - none of those men are unhappy but none are married with kids either.

Rainynight09 · 13/03/2024 17:18

Sometimes it can be that the next woman baby traps him. It happens more than you think it does. Or it could be that he just wasn't that into the woman he was dating previously.

SabreIsMyFave · 13/03/2024 17:48

@Rainynight09

Sometimes it can be that the next woman baby traps him. It happens more than you think it does

I really do loathe this misogynistic and demeaning phrase. If a man doesn't want a baby, he should use protection and not take the word of a woman who says she is on the pill. No man is 'baby trapped.' He was just too stupid and too lazy to use a condom, and then cries and complains and says she 'baby trapped' him. I despair for humanity if you are a woman! Hmm

Also @lalalapancakes I agree with the majority here. Men who don't want a baby, do want one eventually (most of them,) just not with that particular woman.

I am not buying the reason being because the new woman demanded a baby or she'd leave him (as some posters have said.) Like fuck would a man be having a baby he didn't want because his girlfriend said 'I will leave if I can't have a baby.' Nah, it wouldn't happen.

Rainynight09 · 13/03/2024 18:04

SabreIsMyFave · 13/03/2024 17:48

@Rainynight09

Sometimes it can be that the next woman baby traps him. It happens more than you think it does

I really do loathe this misogynistic and demeaning phrase. If a man doesn't want a baby, he should use protection and not take the word of a woman who says she is on the pill. No man is 'baby trapped.' He was just too stupid and too lazy to use a condom, and then cries and complains and says she 'baby trapped' him. I despair for humanity if you are a woman! Hmm

Also @lalalapancakes I agree with the majority here. Men who don't want a baby, do want one eventually (most of them,) just not with that particular woman.

I am not buying the reason being because the new woman demanded a baby or she'd leave him (as some posters have said.) Like fuck would a man be having a baby he didn't want because his girlfriend said 'I will leave if I can't have a baby.' Nah, it wouldn't happen.

Of course baby trapping exists! Women lie and say they are using contraception or they prick holes in the condom. Do you seriously think that does not happen? I despair for humanity if you ever breed.

Drool · 13/03/2024 18:13

A lot of men don’t want children. They just go along with it to keep the peace and not rock the boat. That’s why it’s easier for them to walk away when the relationship breaks down.

MaxTalk · 13/03/2024 18:22

How many men really want kids? 5% if that?

WhatDoesThisMeanForUs · 13/03/2024 19:20

MaxTalk · 13/03/2024 18:22

How many men really want kids? 5% if that?

Really? My experience is men want kids as much, if not more than, women.