Why do men who “don’t want kids” end up having one with the next woman they meet

[lalalapancakes]

Any ideas? Known of several who are adamant they never want children only to get into a relationship with someone else and have them… I’m sure sometimes unplanned pregnancies but often planned too.

They just didn’t want to settle down/have kids with the previous person.

This

There are men who genuinely don't want kids, but some portion of men that say this actually mean "I don't want kids with YOU." You're good enough to serve my needs until I'm ready to have kids and I don't GAF if you waste your chance of ever having kids because of my lies. It's a really nasty and selfish way to treat someone.

Yeah because they didn’t want them with the woman they were with, or it was an accident with their new woman, passion overtook!

Yep

They just didn't want children with you.

Well they don't have them alone I presume the women who get pregnant have some say in it?

Because they weren’t fully committed to the relationship and didn’t want to be permanently tied to that specific person.

Because they didn't want children with that person in particular.

Happened to me, he had a really poor relationship with his mum, so when he just couldn’t do marriage or children, I empathically assumed he had deep rooted issues. I loved him so despite the hurt I felt, I was prepared to sacrifice my needs for this love.

I was bloody stupid!

He cheated with his ex girlfriend, left me, married and had a child within a year. They divorced a few years after that, cheaters gonna cheat.

Luckily, I was just into my thirties so had time. In retrospect, it was the best thing he ever did for me!

So yep, he just didn’t want children and marriage with ME!

I actually know a few men like this who genuinely never did want children and they told all their partners this who seemingly accepted it. They then got into a relationship with a woman who this is a non-negotiable for and who they are desperate not to lose so they make the compromise for them. I don't think their desire for children actually changed.

Some appear decent fathers and others still seem reluctant even when the child is here. I think it's a big gamble for a woman to have a child with a man that has no Intrinsic desire for a child.

They don't have the time pressure women have so they can afford to weigh up their options.

A counter question could be...how many women have babies with the wrong man for fear of not having time to meet anyone else?

I know someone like this. He was married for 12 years or so, met early 20s. Always had an excuse why no mortgage or kids, need to pay off this first, need to do this first. In the end he left her for an affair partner who he impregnated instantly. They're still married now 10 years on, and as far as I know very happy together, but the way he went about it is unforgivable as his previous wife didn't see it coming and thought they were having children in the future. She doesn't have any children to this day and I can't imagine will .

Surely they're allowed to change their minds though? I mean a lot of women don't think they want children until they meet 'the one'. I knew my ex was desperate for children and so I had two, even though I never felt maternal, obviously I love them but it wouldn't have bothered me to stay childless. If I was to meet someone new, and I knew they wanted children, I would have to really think about it. Knowing now that ultimately it will be me holding said child when things go tits up.

I agree with BumpityBumper

My DH was a bit like that. I told him that I wanted kids and it could be with him or someone else.
I also told him that since he was in his 30's, the next woman he found was likely to feel the same as me. So if we split up he would only be kicking the problem down the road and would end up in the same dilemma with someone else. He saw sense.

A friend of mine got her DH to agree to keep D's with the same speech

Stupid autocorrect. Should read "Got her DH to agree to kids with the same speech"

I think this is true.

In my experience the ones who didn't want kids, who then DO have kids with a woman will fuck off after the kids have arrived eventually. Like @Usernamechange1234 describes.

I find a lot of people (men and women) don't actually know what they want out of a relationship and just happily go 'yeh yeh yeh' to whatever their partner says if it keeps a warm body in their bed.

I agree with @Bumpitybumper
I've seen it happen a few times with good looking Jack the Lad types. They like having girlfriends but swear they'll never get married or have kids.

Then eventually they aren't so good looking and get a bit podgy but still want a young good looking partner, and find they can't attract or keep one without offering more. So it's a kind of compromise.

There will be various reasons, but at a guess I'd say that he just didn't want them with previous partner, fear of losing new partner over same issue, and only being ready when there's a certain amount of pressure are probably some of them.

This is one of the consequences of having normalised long term relationships before marriage, together with reliable birth control. I say marriage because it is often a time where important life decisions are discussed, such as having children.

As things are today there will inevitably be women who miss out on having children. On the other hand there will be women who are happy to have not had children with their first long term partner. I suppose it all depends on how old the woman is when they are together.

I understand some men ‘go along with it’ but some seem to do a total 180, go from not wanting them and allowing a relationship to break up because of it and then getting a new girlfriend pregnant and proposing within a year of their own volition. Obviously the new woman might feel more ‘right’ for them but I don’t know as many women in relationships who go from absolutely not wanting kids to suddenly wanting them when they meet someone new, it implies men must have ‘filler girlfriends’ much more often than women imo, whether they know it or not

• they did not want to have children because they were not committed long term to that partner and always kept an eye out for someone else. The woman allowed herself to be stringed along...

• the new partner is a person he wants to commit to

• or she is simply better at having boundaries and making it clear she wants to have children/marriage now so he goes along with it not to lose the relationship.

I think the take away from this is that if you really want kids don't stay with a man who is not giving you what you want because you are hoping he will change his mind...make your expectations clear early on and move on if necessary.

Maybe it was an accident or they were trapped into it.

I know a few men who have done this. I don't think badly of them really. Presumably not having children or getting married was a mutual thing in their first relationship, and their second relationship was based on different terms.

It is a bit like saying you don't want to get married - then marrying your next partner. Which I am guilty of. I didn't see the bloke I was living with as a 'filler' boyfriend, but I didn't want to get married - I didn't believe in it, just a piece of paper etc. When we split up and I met my now husband, suddenly marriage was something I wanted. People can't help how they feel.

I suppose no one likes to think of themself as a filler girlfriend so it's there's a lot of denial.

I think some of them realise what they've lost too. My ex was the same - don't think I want them etc etc. maybe one day blah blah.
Fuck that, I left. He saw another friend who lost his partner too and realised that he needed to make some compromises rather than stringing along 30+ year old women.

He also went on to get married and have a child. I do think it takes some men much longer to grow up and consider the women's body clock than others.