Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do men who “don’t want kids” end up having one with the next woman they meet

153 replies

lalalapancakes · 13/03/2024 05:20

Any ideas? Known of several who are adamant they never want children only to get into a relationship with someone else and have them… I’m sure sometimes unplanned pregnancies but often planned too.

OP posts:
fuckyourpronouns · 13/03/2024 07:44

FWIW when I met my husband I said to him, I want kids and marriage. I'm 30 so it needs to happen in the next couple of years. If that's not in your future don't waste my time.

YetAnotherSpottyDress · 13/03/2024 07:45

HeadNorth · 13/03/2024 07:42

It is a bit like saying you don't want to get married - then marrying your next partner. Which I am guilty of. I didn't see the bloke I was living with as a 'filler' boyfriend, but I didn't want to get married - I didn't believe in it, just a piece of paper etc. When we split up and I met my now husband, suddenly marriage was something I wanted. People can't help how they feel.

Edited

Exactly the same.

Except I wasn't living with my previous boyfriend becaise I vehemently didn't want to do that either

But it was just that none of the men I dated was right for me until one of them was.

It's nt always cruel or manipulative. Someone might genuinely believe it's not what they want until they meet the right person and it is.

vidflex · 13/03/2024 07:49

My brother in law did this. He was with his ex for many years but insisted he didn't want marriage or children. They lived together, had a nice home etc everything except the marriage and children. His ex decided she did want children but he wouldn't agree so they split. She was devastated. He moved on very quickly and then asked new partner to marry him within a year. They had a child the year after. Then split the year after that!. A right shit show.

He massively regrets not marrying and having a child with his first ex. He only had a child with the subsequent partner because he realised that every woman he was going to meet would most likely want a child so he went along with it as he says he felt like he had no choice.

What a knob

Librarybooker · 13/03/2024 07:49

Back in the 80s I knew a chap who was a high C of E Anglican. He wanted a nuptial mass at his wedding. He left his fiancé for a married woman with an influential father. They got married in a registry office. He’d always said he wasn’t keen on kids. They had 2 straightaway. One was the eighth grandchild for his wife’s family and they called her Octavia. He joined the family firm. It was all about money

Kwasi · 13/03/2024 07:52

The desire changed when they met the mother of their children. DH never wanted kids but when he met me, he said he wanted to have a family with me.

I didn’t want kids either but now have a gorgeous little boy.

EverySporkIsSacred · 13/03/2024 07:53

I know someone who had this happen. IMO the man was fully committed to the first relationship, but wasn't mature enough to either maintain the relationship (by compromising, changing bad habits etc) or be a father.
In his next relationship he learned from his mistakes, matured, and did feel ready for kids.
Yes it's a bit of an oversimplification and it may not be true for everyone.

LoveSandbanks · 13/03/2024 07:56

I’m not a bloke but I was adamant that I didn’t want kids until I met my now husband. And even when we first met I told him I didn’t want children. Then I had a complete 180 and ended up with three.

I guess it’s the same for men

Travelban · 13/03/2024 07:59

My DH was like that. I was friends with him before we got together and despite living with his girlfriend, he told me he would never get married or have kids.

Then he left her for me and we got married and had 4 kids in 5 years! We are still married 20 years later and he is an amazing dad snd husband, he says when we got together he suddently wanted it all. I didn't push for it btw either!

Travelban · 13/03/2024 08:01

Ps I do know a good looking Jack the lad who ended up agreeing to have kids as a compromise. So there is definitely that type too!! But that wasn't DH.

silentassassin · 13/03/2024 08:04

Several reasons, some of which have already been mentioned:

  1. They just didnt want kids with you as didnt want to commit to you
  2. They met someone they completely fell for and it was non negotiable for the woman so they had them to keep the woman
  3. They changed their mind- maybe their friends were all settling down and having kids and they felt like they were missing out in some way or maybe as they got older they suddenly felt the need to have a child
  4. It was a complete accident/unplanned pregnancy
gannett · 13/03/2024 08:19

I think in almost every case I've seen the desire not to have children at the time of splitting from the long-term girlfriend is real. And then it changes for reasons that are kind of obvious when you think about it.

End of a long-term relationship (which has probably got to the state of cruising along in default mode) is always going to trigger a bit of self-reflection. What you want out of life, what went wrong, what you need to change in yourself or in who you're looking for. Almost everyone I know who made wholesale changes in their lives (not always related to children - often moving country, changing career, taking up new hobbies) did so after a break-up.

Timing-wise the end of a long-term relationship will often occur in someone's early 30s, which is when a lot of people change their minds about having children. Plenty do this within relationships! I know at least five people (men and women) who were adamant they'd be child-free throughout their 20s who then had children in their mid-30s. I never changed my mind so I can't really explain why they did, but it happens. I suspect there's a bit of a domino effect as well (personally I find this a bit pathetic and sheep-like but again, it happens, and to women as well as men).

And timing-wise, getting back on the dating scene the men in question suddenly realise they're getting old. They probably can't compete with 20-something men in terms of energy/fun/fitness. So they have to compromise a bit in terms of what they can offer.

Wheelz46 · 13/03/2024 08:19

I have a female friend who was adamant she never wanted children, she was very up front about it and at that time could never imagine her with children.

She was in a serious relationship and I guess it ended up being a deal breaker for her then partner. Not sure if he thought he could change her mind or that it wouldn't bother him but ultimately it did and he left and eventually met, married and had children with another woman.

My friend was heartbroken when they broke up, said he was the love her life. In time she also met someone else who desperately wanted children, she didn't want to go through the heartache of another break-up so had a child with him and she was besotted, went on to have 3 in children in total. She is a wonderful mum.

I am guessing some guys might feel the same way.

Starlight1979 · 13/03/2024 08:46

Firstly I don't think this just applies to men. I was with someone for years and never wanted children. I loved my ex massively but he had a lot of mental health issues which impacted our relationship and I couldn't have even considered bringing a child into that environment so I just never entertained the idea.

I got with my now DP and almost instantly my feelings changed. It can just be a case of not wanting them with a specific person which I think is fair enough! A child is a commitment tying you to that other person for life - if you have doubts about it then don't do it!

I would far rather a bloke tell me he doesn't want to have children with me than to lie and bugger off / be a shit dad once the child has arrived!

Same applies to marriage.

lala567 · 13/03/2024 08:55

They probably do want them they just don't see the first relationship as long term.

Hoplolly · 13/03/2024 08:57

Maybe he doesn't want kids with that women? Men are also allowed to have those feelings the same as women.

silentassassin · 13/03/2024 08:59

And timing-wise, getting back on the dating scene the men in question suddenly realise they're getting old. They probably can't compete with 20-something men in terms of energy/fun/fitness. So they have to compromise a bit in terms of what they can offer

Yes, agree with this too. It might be that they've had to compromise because women will just swerve them if they say they don't want kids and they cant compete with younger men or men their own age who do want children.

DrJoanAllenby · 13/03/2024 09:06

I have seen this a lot in the financial sector that my husband works in.

Wealthy men, wives that don't work and enjoy the lifestyle but do charity work etc and are married for years with lots of holidays etc and no children/

Out of the blue he leaves and gets with a younger woman and starts a family whilst first wife has a huge divorce settlement but is now too old to have children.

kkloo · 13/03/2024 09:07

Some seem to do it very quick so I would imagine in some cases it's because they get confused by the honeymoon period in the next relationship and a baby seems like the right thing to do because they're so in love! If they waited a while they probably wouldn't have went ahead with it 🙈

MississippiAF · 13/03/2024 09:10

kkloo · 13/03/2024 09:07

Some seem to do it very quick so I would imagine in some cases it's because they get confused by the honeymoon period in the next relationship and a baby seems like the right thing to do because they're so in love! If they waited a while they probably wouldn't have went ahead with it 🙈

Honestly, this is the kind of thing your well-meaning friends tell you after a breakup, when the truth is he just wasn’t that into you. Denial is strong, as a PP said

Mylovelygreendress · 13/03/2024 09:11

I have a friend who was with a man for more than 20 years . He was adamant he didn’t want children or marriage . She did but she stayed with him as she kept hoping he would change his mind . When she was 40 he left and within a year was married with a child on the way .
To say she was devastated is an understatement.

mrandmrsrobinson · 13/03/2024 09:14

Or women trap men with "unwanted pregnancies"

Rosindub · 13/03/2024 09:15

lalalapancakes · 13/03/2024 05:20

Any ideas? Known of several who are adamant they never want children only to get into a relationship with someone else and have them… I’m sure sometimes unplanned pregnancies but often planned too.

Planned by one half of the couple anyway...

Foxblue · 13/03/2024 09:16

Lots of great discussion here - also from memory the accidental pregnancy rate in the UK is something like 45%, so I'd imagine that factors in.

mrandmrsrobinson · 13/03/2024 09:17

It works the other way too. The guys that want loadsa kids and trap the women into having three and then ................

Starlight1979 · 13/03/2024 09:22

Mylovelygreendress · 13/03/2024 09:11

I have a friend who was with a man for more than 20 years . He was adamant he didn’t want children or marriage . She did but she stayed with him as she kept hoping he would change his mind . When she was 40 he left and within a year was married with a child on the way .
To say she was devastated is an understatement.

But if she would have had children with him he'd probably have left anyway as he was clearly unhappy??? So surely it's better to not have children in that instance?!

Swipe left for the next trending thread