Why do men who “don’t want kids” end up having one with the next woman they meet

[lalalapancakes]

Any ideas? Known of several who are adamant they never want children only to get into a relationship with someone else and have them… I’m sure sometimes unplanned pregnancies but often planned too.

No idea what sort of men you are meeting...!!

I've met a lot of men who wanted kids; who have kids because they wanted them; who love them very much and who have great relationships with them.

I also know some who didn't and don't.

My son is 25 and he would love to get married and have children one day. He has since primary school!

Its easier for men to want children because in the end its not them who are ultimately responsible in 99% of cases. Its women who are beset with the pressure to have kids from all sides, its women's lives and bodies who are most effected while a man's life is often unchanged unless he chooses to actively engage more as a parent, many do not.

Lots of men do want children. My other half said he always wanted to be a dad and his actions supported this. We should not be telling young women that ALL men are reluctant to had kids. This just encourages them to stay with men who will be at best reluctant fathers, and at worse string them along until their fertility is over.

All the men I have known who left their long term partner and quickly had children with someone else re-partnered with a younger woman. From an outsider looking in, it seems like it was a compromise on their behalf to keep a younger and more attractive woman interested.

Lots of liars out there then saying they want kids if they don't 🤔

I think lots of men don't have any particular desire for kids. But they'll go with the flow if she does. I mean, it's not like it's their bodies that'll get ruined. Or even that they have to stick around if the going gets tough.

As someone who doesn't want them myself I'd like to think that those who say they don't are genuine. But I recon many men who don't want them are on a flimsy fence tbh.

If a survey was done with people who are actively TTC, trying IVF etc. and it was done 100% honestly on a scale of 1-100 of how invested they are in having children where do you think women would be compared to men?

Seth and his wife are incredibly happy and will never have kids.

How deeply patronizing.

They are lovely people who have been happily in love for 20 years.

They are also known for their work with Alzheimer's advocacy in BC. They have very full meaningful lives.

And yes I can speak from experience. They are amazing people.

Because they don't want to lose another woman like they did the last, the grief makes them dwell and question their choices. It's not about not wanting a kid with the one before. It's the mental process of going through a break up and not feeling like that again.

That seems so sad though.

You basically told him if he didn't have kids with you he'd end up alone because all women want kids?

How is that "seeing sense"?

That's just trying to manipulate someone.

My Dh's first wife had severe fertility issues. He said he was ambivalent, neither for or against, but she wanted to try, so they had a few failed IVF attempts. They divorced shortly after for many reasons, mostly that he wanted to relocate overseas and she didn't.

Fast forward 20 years, ( now in his 50s)he is a step dad to my three, since 2021. He says that living with the kids has been ultimately, one of the most surprising and fulfilling parts of his life. He is involved, knows/ makes them a priority and takes the relationships seriously. There have been bumps with the integration, of course, but there has always been an honest dialogue that is solution driven.

He left his last long term GF as she wanted kids and he thought that he didn't want to change his lifestyle. I know that she finds his new step dad persona hard. And I understand why. The options were that he lied to her about not wanting kids and/or didn't love her enough. It is a hard pill to swallow and I would feel the same as her.

Men self prioritise, if they don't want to do something, they won't do it for someone else. Only if they want to, for themselves.

@MaxTalk Of course men want kids. It is societies that have more equality for women that have the lower birth rates, not the other way round. I am struggling to think of any men I know who doesn’t/didn’t want kids.

You need to read this if men want to prevent pregnancy they need to take responsibility:

We have been brainwashed:

https://designmom.com/twitter-thread-abortion/

The relationship isn't the one for them

They are not ready yet

They do not have the financial set up they want

Exactly this!

Same reason as why some men say they don’t want to get married but then quickly marry the new woman.

They never saw a future with the previous partner and was only with her until they found someone better.

It must be so hurtful if you thought he genuinely didn’t want kids/to get married and so you chose not to either and then he goes off with someone else and does it straight away.

They just don't want DC with the partner that they said that to.

Clearly they did want DC if they had them with someone else.

Omg all of this! Seen it happen multiple times

Their mates start having kids and less friends to spend time and do the bachelor thing with. or they start thinkng that going to football with your son might be fun.

Biological clock. giving your family name and plant your seeds and all that crap.

Meeting then right person. Wanting to keep the right person

realising women around you have kids and just agree to it.

Assuming it doenst change their lives.

Pressure from people around you. The benefits for your career

Then eventually they aren't so good looking and get a bit podgy but still want a young good looking partner, and find they can't attract or keep one without offering more. So it's a kind of compromise

Yep- I have seen this many times before too. It's easier to have all these deal breakers when you are young, hot and fit. Not quite so easy when you are ageing, have let yourself go a bit but still want to attract the kind of woman you got in your 20s when you were young hot and fit. Its funny how the deal breakers seem to fall away then 😆

They actually have the same time pressure if not worse, men on average become ill and die earlier. They also produce worse quality sperm after the age of 30 which leads to many birth defects. Older fathers is one of the reasons many people are born with issues these days. It just isn't.talked about, easier to blame eomen for everything.

I find this quite sad as a child-free woman - that anyone who doesn't want a child is pressured into having them.

Though having said that, all the child-free people I know, men as well as women, are not especially relationship-focused either - they're happy being solo and a partner is an optional extra. The kind of man who needs to be in a relationship will inevitably have to compromise, I suppose.

Last year I was out drinking with a few friends, including a child-free gay couple and a straight guy who was the only parent there. He asked one of the gay men whether they'd have had children if they could have done so as easily as a straight couple (yes, I thought this was an odd question too, he was a bit drunk and didn't seem in a great place) and seemed surprised when the answer was "absolutely not". It seemed like it had only just occurred to him that not having children might have been an option for him too.

It's quite strange that not having children - which basically involves doing nothing except making your contraception as iron-clad as possible, if you're hetero - is the life path that involves a conscious, active choice. Whereas a lot of people have children without even being aware that a different choice is possible. Maybe that sense of inevitability strikes men on the dating scene in their 30s but I find it sad.

I find this interesting, I've noticed bit before too.
An uncle insisted he didn't want DC him and his first wife divorced over it.
He remarried and had his first DC in his late 40s.
He is a good Dad.
Feel sorry for his first wife who desperately wanted DC and never had them- was in her early forties when they divorced.
Uncle told my Dad " he wasn't ready" until his late 40s.

Agree with this totally. I worked with a guy who reluctantly agreed to have a child and he regretted it, almost from day one.

I find this quite sad as a child-free woman - that anyone who doesn't want a child is pressured into having them

But it's all about choices isnt it?- if you meet someone you fancy who wants kids and you don't want kids then don't date them- not really hard. Sure, it might take longer to find someone compatible because as you get older your pool of dating becomes smaller but if you really don't want kids then that should be your dealbreaker. I wouldnt call it "pressure" at all- I met many guys when I was younger that I really liked but their visions for the future did not align with mine so I didnt date them because I could forsee trouble ahead down the line. Even though I liked them, we werent compatible. Thats really not pressure if you know upfront that someone wants a life that you don't want for yourself. I think pressure is not the right word here as that implies you cant do anything about it or are some kind of victim when thats really not true at all.

Oh yeah I do agree with this - I meant more that it's sad that some people give ground on their dealbreakers so easily, and don't wait to find someone they're truly compatible with, and let themselves be pressured.