I love my husband too much to have a baby

[willyoutakethisrose]

I’m a new user and I’m hoping someone will be able to give me some advice.

I’m 30, my husband is 31. We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re currently trying to work out if we want to have a baby.

The thing that most holds me back is that I worry that my husband and I are too happy to introduce another person to our dynamic. We are an incredibly happy couple - we’re very in love, we have very healthy communication, we’ve been through some extremely difficult times together (serious illness, bereavement at a very young age, moving cities for one of our careers etc.). I don’t mean this to be saccharine but I genuinely don’t know any couple who seems to be as happy or get on as well as we do. Our relationship is the absolute best thing in my life, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. Every time I think about having a child I just can’t help but feel like this whole new person would ruin it - I don’t know how we would add a new person to our dynamic, I hate the idea that we wouldn’t be able to talk as much, and most importantly (and weirdly, I know) I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me. I also can’t imagine I would feel like that either, which makes me feel I would be a bad mother.

I’m being really honest in my above thoughts because I’d like to know whether anyone else has ever had these fears? All I ever read online is that babies ruin relationships, and when I speak to my friends who have babies they often say that they don’t get to talk about anything apart from the babies, and they never seem to spend any time together any more. One of them told me that I would love my husband more after a baby because “nothing he’s ever done will ever make you as happy as when he brings you a cup of tea after a long night”. That just makes me feel so sad inside that our relationship would be reduced to that.

I’m an only child and I’ve always struggled with the idea of “sharing” love. I think I can only see having a baby as being forced into sharing the love we have for each other, and therefore diminishing it. The very close friends I have spoken to about this laugh and find it insane, which it is, but it doesn’t change that I feel it.

My husband doesn’t really get my line of argument - he thinks if we decide to have a baby it will be fine and he won’t love me any less. He also says that if we had a child our relationship would still be the most important thing to maintain to make a happy, stable home and he thinks it wouldn’t be hard to do that because we’re so strong and happy and have such a good foundation. But everything I read online says it’s so hard to maintain a good marriage when you have a baby…

Any thought on any of the above would be appreciated, even if anyone has any advice on where I can go for more help and clarity with any of these thoughts.

Your heart expands, there isn’t a set amount of love to go round. It sounds like you would be a wonderful family, yes the relationship is tested and changed but what could possibly be better than a baby that’s part you, part him? A family is a team, a unit, the most wonderful thing in the world.
However, if you don’t have an urge for a baby don’t be peer pressured into it.

Don’t have one then. It sounds as though you are quite happy as you are.

I don't think you (or anyone) should have a child unless/until they really long to be a parent. But I am concerned that all your emotional eggs are very much in the one basket of your relationship with your husband. Yes it wonderful that you are still so 'loved up" but actually it also makes you vulnerable in some ways, and as you are finding now, it can make you "stuck", terrified to rock the apple cart.

To carry on with my garbled analogies, I think perhaps you could do with a broader emotional base in life.

I get the only child/sharing love thing. But like PP have said, your heart expands. There is always plenty of love to go around, and of different kinds.

The people I know who had children had a burning desire to have them that just made all concerns melt into insignificance. Perhaps the case is that you and your husband just don't have the urge to have children. You and he are enough.

On the other hand when you have children, or dogs to be honest, more love just seems to come from nowhere. There's no limit on the amount of love you can give and receive.

It's a different type of love and one that you share the experience together, it's not the child that ruins relationships if it wasn't already strong.

Ok so you've given all your reasons for not wanting a baby. Consider why you do want one. What are your, and his, reasons for wanting a child? Because if you're just doing it because it's "the done thing" that's not really a good reason. It's not compulsory, you can be very happy without them.

Only have a child if you both really want one.

You can’t quantify love. There isn’t a limited amount to “share” around.
I think it’s good that you’re self-aware enough to realise these fears, but before you even consider having a baby, I’d respectfully urge you to get some serious therapy to explore these thoughts. You’re young, and you don’t have to rush into any decision.

The purpose of creation is to recreate.

If you have such a close, strong and loving bond the natural progression from that is to have children together and raise them in your loving and happy environment.

We had a baby because it happened, I do totally get people who don't want children it really is not for everyone and I want people who want to have a baby to have them and not because they think they should

But your post is coming across as a little odd, I really can't put my finger on it I don't mean possessive as such but if you genuinely don't want a baby dont, there is no return policy

Do you want a baby? Answer seems to be no.
Does he? Answer seems to be yes.
This disagreement is your actual problem, but you're skirting around it because you're scared that the disagreement itself is going to rock your marriage OP. But you can't really avoid it I think? Best of luck.

It’s a different kind of love and another part of your life for each other at the same time. However, I’d revel in the just the two you a little while longer.

Why would you want a kid? You don't give any reason.
It's fine to be childfree, I am, and life is bliss and easy.

I agree with pp that love expands.

However, the difficult times you mention don’t tell us anything about the kinds of issues that are magnified when children come along. E.g whose career is more likely to take a step back? What happens if DC has additional needs and one of you will have to be a full time carer? Will he pull his weight with night wakings, school runs, taking time off work when DC are sick etc. Does he pull his weight now with housework/mental load? How will he expect your finances to be split when you’re on maternity leave/possibly going back to work part time? Will you/he be happy to leave your child with a babysitter, will you go away for couple time without DC etc.

It doesn’t sound like you actually want a child at the moment so if I were in your shoes I’d maybe revisit the situation in a couple of years.

I didn't have the same fears as you when we had DC but we were very happy and had a great relationship. I'd say initially having a baby was like putting a grenade in the middle of our relationship. It blew it to pieces. When everything settled down though it felt like the pieces formed into a new relationship that was just as good, if not better because it had a new element to it. I'd do it all again in a heartbeat but it is also a perfectly valid choice to stay child free as it is undoubtedly a risk.

You don't sound like you want a baby? So there's your answer.

If you do decide to have one though, have therapy first - because no, this isn't a normal way of thinking and wouldn't be fair to a child. I also agree with a PP that you'd probably benefit from expanding your support circle a bit.

It's lovely that it's so nice now but if something goes wrong you'll find it easier to deal with if you don't only have him!

If you don't 'really really' want a child then I don't think it's ever a good idea to have one. Having a child absolutely turns your life upside down and you have to consider them in everything you do.

This is a really interesting post (I say, sat here as a single mum of two kids).

The fact you're questioning it so much, sums it up I'd say. If there was no societal pressure, would this even be a question? Seems like no, you'd happily continue as you are..

I think the PP who said you could do with a 'broader emotional space' is spot on though. Isn't it scary to have all of this love and enjoyment, based solely on one other person?

I'd suggest you dig deep and really start exploring all the things in life you, without a question, you DO want.

Wish you all the best 🌹

I don’t think you should have a child as you’re very self focused , and would likely struggle to put a child first.

it doesn’t matter if people think you’re thoughts are insane. It’s how you feel. You need to come first and feel you come first. So as that’s the base issue, this isn’t a person who should parent.

You should only have a child if both parents want and are ready to (financially, emotionally etc.) to have a child, fully understanding that they then have a long term responsibility to this human they have created, even if their relationship with each other changes.

If you enjoy just being a couple and are unsure about parenting - then don't do it.

I think her husband wants a child. She doesn’t. As she needs to come first and she wishes to be the priority for her husband at all times.

The love you have for your partner is totally different to the love you have for your child.

It seems like you feel cocooned in your little bubble of bliss and you don't want anything popping the bubble but really, your marriage can't be that perfect if you don't have enough faith it in to change the dynamic a bit. However, that said, if you are so unsure then do not have a baby. It sounds like your DH is more keen than you, but there is no compromise, you both need to be certain.

It sounds like you don’t really want one. You don’t have to make excuses not to have one, it’s not compulsory!

I was the opposite to you, I was with a partner who wanted one and I didn’t, couldn’t really say why, turns out I wasn’t completely in love with him. Met my husband and fell so in love I wanted to have a baby.

I have quite a few friends who are married but don’t want a baby. They have a wonderful life.

There’s no rush to decide, but don’t have one unless you really want one and it doesn’t sound like you do.

It's not compulsory. It's a choice, it sounds like you know that it's something that you do not want to do, and under those circumstances it's best not to. Given there would be a small human needing a willing parent on the other end of your decision.