I love my husband too much to have a baby

[willyoutakethisrose]

I’m a new user and I’m hoping someone will be able to give me some advice.

I’m 30, my husband is 31. We’ve been together for 10 years and we’re currently trying to work out if we want to have a baby.

The thing that most holds me back is that I worry that my husband and I are too happy to introduce another person to our dynamic. We are an incredibly happy couple - we’re very in love, we have very healthy communication, we’ve been through some extremely difficult times together (serious illness, bereavement at a very young age, moving cities for one of our careers etc.). I don’t mean this to be saccharine but I genuinely don’t know any couple who seems to be as happy or get on as well as we do. Our relationship is the absolute best thing in my life, and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardise that. Every time I think about having a child I just can’t help but feel like this whole new person would ruin it - I don’t know how we would add a new person to our dynamic, I hate the idea that we wouldn’t be able to talk as much, and most importantly (and weirdly, I know) I hate the idea that my husband might love the baby more than me and put the child ahead of me. I also can’t imagine I would feel like that either, which makes me feel I would be a bad mother.

I’m being really honest in my above thoughts because I’d like to know whether anyone else has ever had these fears? All I ever read online is that babies ruin relationships, and when I speak to my friends who have babies they often say that they don’t get to talk about anything apart from the babies, and they never seem to spend any time together any more. One of them told me that I would love my husband more after a baby because “nothing he’s ever done will ever make you as happy as when he brings you a cup of tea after a long night”. That just makes me feel so sad inside that our relationship would be reduced to that.

I’m an only child and I’ve always struggled with the idea of “sharing” love. I think I can only see having a baby as being forced into sharing the love we have for each other, and therefore diminishing it. The very close friends I have spoken to about this laugh and find it insane, which it is, but it doesn’t change that I feel it.

My husband doesn’t really get my line of argument - he thinks if we decide to have a baby it will be fine and he won’t love me any less. He also says that if we had a child our relationship would still be the most important thing to maintain to make a happy, stable home and he thinks it wouldn’t be hard to do that because we’re so strong and happy and have such a good foundation. But everything I read online says it’s so hard to maintain a good marriage when you have a baby…

Any thought on any of the above would be appreciated, even if anyone has any advice on where I can go for more help and clarity with any of these thoughts.

It would potentially jeopardise your relationship. For all the relationships made stronger and deeper by having children, there are at least as many made weaker or that throw up selfishness/unpleasant traits you never knew your partner had.

You're also thinking of this as what a child would bring to you, not what you would bring to a child.

I felt a bit like you at 30. Had a lovely relationship and lifestyle. I didn't particularly like children. Only did it in mid-thirties as thought I might regret not. We were both put off for a long while by horror stories from our friends. Despite all of that my children are the absolute loves of my life. I definitely didn't know what true unconditional love was until they were born. Yes it was hard work and we've had challenges but I've never regretted it for a second. Our relationship has changed of course but I've seen him grow into a wonderful father which has made me love him more in a way. Having said that I have two and although I don't regret the second it definitely put more of a strain on us than just one. We had them close together which I think is tougher in the early days as we were ships passing for a few years. I think we would really have struggled with more than two personality wise as we both need our downtime and sleep!

Don’t have a child. You have outlined quite completely why you aren’t able to, emotionally. It would be so unfair on the child to have to grow up with your potential ambivalence and resentment, too, if you push yourself past your natural wishes.

Maybe a few years down the line your husband will get the urge for a family, and head off in that direction, but that’s irrelevant to your clear feelings about it. Let your intuition about this decision guide you. It’s absolutely fine and justified to decide not to be a parent.

With kindness, your post reads as incredibly selfish and somewhat possessive. So I would start by looking at that and work out what's going on there before considering bringing a new life into your situation. I say this as someone in a very affectionate, loved up, sickeningly romantic marriage- my husband and I have children and have been together nearly 2 decades. We have never stopped being soppy, lovey dovey mushy. Having our children honestly just increased our love and affection- seeing him become a father and seeing him throw himself into parenting has made me love him even more. Seeing him be so selfless and putting his family first is the most attractive thing to me. I'm more surprised you seem to have not had any of these discussions with your husband before marriage though- being on the same page with this stuff is so important for both of you.

I think her husband wants a child. She doesn’t. As she needs to come first and she wishes to be the priority for her husband at all times.

I think this is spot on. I think maybe OP is realising that there's something huge in their lives that her and her husband don't actually agree on and that's scaring her.

I don't know how thinking like that is healthy long-term, child or not

You really don't sound like you want to have a child. I'm very much in the camp of, if you're not absolutely yearning for one then you really shouldn't do it (I know others will disagree with this).

Oh my goodness - don't have a baby! You don't want one. That was my first thought.

Nobody here is going to convince you it will be fine and it would be awful if they did.

I really wanted children and so did dh luckily for me! I really feel we are closer because of our children. If we hadn't been able to conceive, I think we'd have tried to adopt if possible, as we really wanted to have a family.

But, I'd be lying if I said it was all easy peasy.

It is more work at home (a lot more if you have a few dcs), one of you may need to step back in your career to care for the dc(s), you will almost certainly be worse off financially and you'll need a bigger home to house all of you. Unless you really are cinvinced you want a family, you'd be mad to do it.

Also, threads about being child free by choice come up on here a lot these days and more so on other SM platforms. It is not a given anymore that you must have babies to fit in (good thing too)!

Being a parent isn't necessarily valued by society as a whole; nobody is going to give you a medal for gritting your teeth and having a baby.

Basically, you need to really want to be a parent and you don't. That's sort of all there is to it!

Having a child puts a huge strain on a relationship and many don't survive it.

A lot of my friends blame their marriage breakdown on having children.

The happiest couples I know are ones that are childfree. There are no divorces amongst them either

You really shouldn’t have a child if you don’t want one. Having children is exhausting but equally the most amazing thing in the world but you have to want them for their sake. It would be unfair to bring a child into the world otherwise because children know when they are not wanted and you have to be able to put their feelings ahead of your own. If you’re not able to do that just yet, you shouldn’t have children.

It’s interesting that you don’t want to share your husband’s love with your child too. It’s two very separate things for your husband to love you and love his child, so I agree with a previous poster that you should dig a little deeper about why you feel this way as if he wants children that could become an issue for you in the future.

Don't have one then. It's not compulsory.

I have to say though, as an old bird, your husband may not always be the person he is now. Or you may not be. I didn't want a life with just my husband in it, personally. I wanted more people to love. But you don't have to want that.

How much does he want one? How far apart are you both on this?

Not having a child could also end your relationship.
An unexpected pregnancy could end your relationship.
An accident or illness could end your relationship.
life changes.

I suggest therapy to explore your anxiety and help you establish healthier relationships. You are very vulnerable at the moment.

When you understand yourself better, think again about having a child.

The decision you make isn’t final until your fertility declines.

Me and DP have a lovely relationship - we have a newborn and yes they are all consuming. But at the moment, I love DP more. We are a team .
Lots of rough days and nights so far but I think creating our own little person was the best thing we ever did.

But, this is something we really wanted and we were prepared to give up ALOT to have it. It doesn't sound like you want to make the sacrifices so maybe would be unhappy with a child? You do have to really want it and be prepared to be selfless.

You could wait a couple more years to decide. There's something a bit odd (and very smug) about your post, you sound incredibly emotionally reliant on each other. Do you have your own friendship groups, family relationships, independent hobbies etc? We saw a baby as enhancing our relationship and growing our shared family. Yes, it can challenge relationships - but I think you can commit to make the effort with your relationship.

I would say my situation was similar to yours, me and DH got on fantastically, never argued. Whilst I had plenty of love to go round, I would say that adding children gave us stress and pressure we had never experienced before. I think they change you, and I just wasn’t prepared for that. You’ll love any children you have, but they will take over every aspect of your life, you will not have the time (well you might, but it’s far far less) for just the two of you.

Just to add too that a baby doesn't necessarily cause strain to a relationship.

My relationship wasn't as perfect as what you are describing, so had all the potential to really get torn apart by adding a baby into the mix. But actually I found watching my partner become a father made me fall more in love with him. And I found we had a new sense of being a team in raising our little human that is half of both of us. You've already been through difficult things together, a baby is difficult sure but the good times are out of this world and you get to share that as a family.

However you obviously don't have to have to start a family and you really need to weigh up the pros and cons that are personal to you both.

Yes I think it would kill her relationship. If her husband witnesses her competing with her own child for his attention or resenting the child it would likely kill any attraction he had for her.

and yes, she’s looking at what a child can benefit her. The issue is her husband wants kids. And that’s a big issue. Major. Is he willing to forego fatherhood as she is so self focused? Or if she has one, will he be able to stomach it if she continues to behave this way?

Your biological clock will start ticking any day now OP. If you don’t want children then that is fine, but remember that while your potential fertility will be reducing month by month your husbands fertility won’t be. If he decides in ten years time that, yes, he wants children he probably wont have any fertility issues to stop him. You on the other hand………

I wonder if there other issues that concern you about pregnancy, like medical concerns, body image, fear of actual childbirth, general health anxiety etc. it seems just a bit too slick to claim that you are the perfect couple whose lives are so entwined that you can’t imagine having another person intervening.

Of course she’s self focused. Everyone is. Especially before you have children - she just has the self awareness to express it.

I consider myself quite self-focused too and I think it makes me a better parent. Happy mum, happy baby. I have two children and they are happy, get lots of love and attention, but I’m not a martyr and I make sure that I still look after myself as well. I consider it a positive.

OP - I had similar thoughts to you before I had a baby - of course it disrupts a relationship. I found that the romantic part of our relationship was kind of on hold for a year or so just because we were tired and didn’t have headspace. But we were still a strong team and enjoyed being our little family unit. And then rekindled the romantic bit.. and then had baby number 2 and started all over again. I think if you’ve been fine through all the tough experiences you’ve described then a baby will be fine.

Relationships are often destroyed because it turns out that one person (the mum) is doing a lot more of the work and then resentment builds. If you think your DH will truly be an equal partner then you don’t need to worry about that.

I never had the burning desire to have children - it’s more that I stopped not wanting to have children. But I’m very pleased with my decision.

Some people never have any doubts, or indeed give it much thought - that doesn’t mean they’re going to be better parents.

Don't have one then. It's not compulsory.

This.

My kids are best thing I've ever done - also the hardest and most worry inducing. I never worried about my relationship with DH as we both wanted kids - did worry about going from 1 to 2 kids - but as PP say heart expands.

However if you are not sure do not do it - it's one of the few decisions in life that is permanent. You have roughly a decade probably to change your mind but until you reach point you really want kids - don't do it.

I don’t agree with your view, simply as the ops view is extreme, you need to be able to prioritise your kids and be self less a lot , parenting involves lots of sacrifices.

This.

As others have said love isn’t finite so you would be able to love both your baby and husband.

However, the baby should come first in terms of your priorities and having its needs met and it should be the same for your husband. If you can’t accept that then you shouldn’t have one.

So many interesting replies, thank you so much! I’ll try and respond to some of the recurring questions:

I didn’t want to make my original post even longer by going into detail about our other thoughts about having children, because I specifically wanted advice on this main blocker for me, but as so many have asked for context here’s a brief summary of our other thoughts. Interesting that everyone assumes my husband wants them - he’d be happy either way, but his default is that we won’t have them because he doesn’t think I do. That’s not an issue in our relationship - we had extensive conversations about it before we got married and married on the basis that we wouldn’t have them. It’s me that’s reopened the conversation in the last 18 months because I’ve begun to feel that it’s something I need to think about again as the clock is ticking. There are times when I think I would like a child (we’re pretty sure we’d just have one if we had one), and there are lots of aspects of family life that do appeal to me. But then there is this feeling I articulated in my OP, and also I have some medical trauma from a previous experience and know I wouldn’t be able to have a baby through the NHS so that would involve a much higher cost to having a child.

For people saying I seem too reliant on my husband for my emotional well being - I don’t think that’s a concern. We both have circles of very close friends and have good relationships with our families, but that doesn’t mean that he isn’t my favourite person to spend time with, and I’m his. I don’t think that’s particularly unusual for a married couple - there really is no one else we enjoy being with as much as each other!

I have no qualms about him as a co-parent - he takes on much more of the load of the house as it is and does all of our household admin. We have a very happy domestic set up and are both very happy to call each other out if we feel the other isn’t pulling their weight on something. I’ve lived with him for my whole adult life so I don’t think either of us are likely to change on that once a baby comes along!

So it really isn’t (unfortunately) as simple as I don’t want them, or that he does. We’re really on the fence. I also find it interesting that some people say you shouldn’t have a child unless it’s not even a question, because some of the best parents I know are ones who really thought about it beforehand. I just have no idea if I would be one of them!